Wednesday, July 4, 2012

All the Wiser For It

The water seems murky as I walk along the shore.  No cerulean skies today but this thick gray blanket of clouds.  Its fitting I think considering my mood.  I take a deep breath to shore up my emotions not wanting to let them loose standing here in broad day light.  There are moments in life that the lessons just really sink in.  Some of that knowledge is pure bliss and joy but some of it too can hurt to the core.  It's all part of life and for me, it stems from the same theme.  I've been assured that I've passed the test this time but I wonder about that because I feel pretty certain that I failed and failed often.  If this past year cannot floor me and I can still get up every morning and smile, I must have a soul made of pure titanium.

I'm sad right now and that is just quite okay with me.  I've suffered quite a few loses this year among many aspects of my soul that I found.  I'm cautiously grateful and hopefully optimistic that as the sadness of loss fades, the gravity of the truth I came by quite honestly if even unintentionally begins to sink in.  These lessons of late both rocked my foundation and yet, at the very same time reinforced the very strength of it.  In some moments I wanted to crumple in a heap grieving and crying but I couldn't do it - not for longer than a few minutes any way.  I realized even in my darkest moments when the harshest parts of the lessons were unfolding that I am not who I thought I was.  As I sit here a little dazed I realize how very not unhappy that thought is to feel just now.

Human interactions can seem so tough some times but if you master the emotion of it by letting them be and exist instead of running away in fear, you learn a lot about yourself and your true place in this crazy dream.  It is not a place for unconscious creation and yet we do it - I've done it so much.  I laugh out loud and the waves mask the sounds.  I stare out into the sea and I see nothing but elsewhere...all of the elsewhere's I have been and with all of the people I stood there with.  We've come and gone again I guess and hopefully this time a bit more the wiser for the effort.  At times I have felt as fragile as glass this past year but I have learned I am not that and I am as strong as they come.  Yes things hurt and hurt deeply sometimes but I know that we don't go through pain for nothing.  It has great purpose or we would not create it. 

Oh the scenes I have created.  More amazing than the stuff of fantasies great and I loved every single moment of it regardless of what happened just before the curtain fell at the close of the final acts.  I smile knowing I gave my best as I stood witness in a role with complete amnesia for my part.  I sigh a little now and my soul struggles to stay within my body.  How can a single soul contain this much sorrow and yet this much bliss?  The dichotomy is so strange to me but I understand emotion a little better now and I understand the dream, the roles and the plays.  I understand the parts I played at least and I hold nothing but love and gratitude for all of those who joined the scenes we wished to act out together for a time.  A time, yes...a moment, beautiful moments.  I continue my walk and know without a doubt that I must look as far away as I feel.  My soul feels half here and gone and I'm glad.  It means I have learned how to feel the difference these past many months and the energy, well now that's another matter...that is the source of the comes with love, compassion and understanding and I hold that for myself first and foremost and I hold it for the precious others who with me shared a line...a scene of our lives.  I pray one day they forgive me my role but perhaps one day they may also recall they signed up to be cast and we learned as we let loose every line and we are all - all the wiser for it.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo, beautiful random internet find).

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