Friday, December 27, 2013

Feeling Moment

The sun is not yet up and the sea breeze is chilly floating in through my bedroom window.  The trees outside once sang like the rain as their beautiful leaves rustled in the wind but not so now.  They are near barren now in full preparation for the winter.  A humming bird chirps in the distance and the sparrows sing as if at play.  I’m wrapped up warm in a blanket sipping coffee waiting for the sun to rise. 

I’ve had too many thoughts inside my head of late, contending with the life I have created, smiling at the beautiful parts, wincing at the more challenging parts but knowing from somewhere deep inside that it is perfect just as it is.  I realize how important it is in this moment to ensure we take the time to empower ourselves to just have a feeling moment.  I don’t mean one in which we let the ego’s superficial emotion wreak havoc or take control of our perspective but instead I mean taking a  moment to open up to all as it is just as it is and simply breathe.

I look back for a moment over the past year (well, couple of years honestly) and see just how much that I have truly learned and all of that learning culminates in a realization of late.  A decision I have finally come to that I can’t change comes ever greater into focus.  I’m ill suited for certain endeavor I have been engaged in for some time. I didn't choose it purposely but it helped me to do the things I needed to do for a very long time.  I've grown too comfortable in the functioning of it to change it but suddenly I realize the feeling within me tells me I am truly too uncomfortable not to change it.  At my age that is no easy task but miracles have always been at work in my life and I always expect them to arrive just on time at the perfect moment and they always do. Is that luck?  Nope.  It’s calculated awareness, taking action where action is needed and being silent where that too is needed.

I’m readying myself to engage in what I’ve known all along would make me happy but I never knew how to get there from here.  So, to be quite honest, I still don’t but I am not disheartened.  Allowing change to occur and life to unfold on its terms isn’t such a frustrating or impatient making experience if you don’t let it be.  I’ve found of late that if one sets their intent and holds the vision of what is most desired from the perspective of feeling that exists beneath the ego's superficial emotion, miracles can and do happen (the ability to notice the difference between the ego's superficial emotions and your true feeling is a bit of a miracle itself).

The very tops of the trees are now etched in fiery orange and gold, the birds are singing even more in anticipation of the rising sun and the traffic of a nearby freeway provides a hum that actually seems to add to the music of my morning in a wonderful way.  I think sometimes we can find peace more easily if we can accept what is, change what is truly within our power and just go with the flow in the mean-time for all else. 

After a night full of the real world intruding upon my dream scape, it’s now time to change those things in my life that are definitively within my power.  I can do my share and be content that the rest is out of my hands and fear not because even the parts I cannot control will ultimately bring about what it is I most desire.  I don’t know how I know, I just know.  ~Blessings of peace, acceptance and wonder dear beautiful souls.  I hope you enjoy every moment of every day you spend here fully awake and aware here on Earth.  You’re always loved and never alone.  Not one thing or effort goes unnoticed ever.  Don’t forget that not even for one single moment.

(photo is a random internet find and I lay to no claim to it's copyright)

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Sleepy But Awakening Mind

I'm continuing a theme of sorts I started with my last blog post.  Well, if you have read any of my posts throughout the past many years you would likely see a very consistent theme unfolding.  That theme is a lesson in learning how to let life unfold on its terms instead of my own.  Now, having said that, I in no way intend to intimate that I am giving over my power to whatever and whoever decides to manifest within my reality.  Actually, the fact is that my sleepy still but awakening mind and heart begins to understand the truth of my life bit by bit, moment by moment and interactions from person to person throughout the whole of my physical incarnate existence.  I can look back and see how in certain instances with a lack of awareness I thoughtlessly gave away my power to whomever or whatever it was that seemingly threatened or frightened me in a moment.  I can see also how I rebelled against a prison of my own making in so many situations.  It makes me giggle sometimes the way my lessons have so perfectly come and unfolded in the perfect manner, at the perfect time and through the most benevolent and beneficial encounters.

I can assure you that it can at times be quite painful to lift one's self out of former paradigms of thought and action in the world.  Change can be quite unpleasant but as we all know from the existence of a butterfly that it arrives here on the planet in one limited and not so beautiful form, only to pull itself inward, cocoon itself off and allow the transformation that will inevitably come.  Once completed, newly unfurled wings begin the process of unfolding and dry in precious beautiful sunlight.  Once complete, a beautiful butterfly takes flight in sweet and beautiful currents of air flapping it's wings and imparting a beautiful sensation of freedom to those who stand still and are fortunate to witness with an eye towards understanding.  Life, when you begin to understand its intricacies and processes is so very beautiful I am often moved to tears.  In my childish states I sometimes give focus to, I am frustrated and tearful.  I'll pout and rail against whatever it is I think is unfair or unjust in my somewhat skewed assessment of this or that.  I'll engage in a poor me thought process for a time and then come through that by knowing that my allowing of understanding will transform my child-like state to one of a more peaceful, clear and fully understanding reality of what it is that I truly face.

This has been a long and strange trip thus far in my physical existence.  I could judge it and label it, find many who would agree with me, lay blame or take it in if I wanted but I don't want that.  What I'm after is the truth, what I'm after is understanding and what I'm really after is a return to the authentic human I came here to be.  I've learned of late that one of the truest forms of unconditional love for others is to let them think of me whatever they like without fear that their label can change the existence of the truth of who and what I truly am (Thank you Toni for helping me crystalize this thought).  Actually, my thanks should go out to every single soul who has ever imparted to me any action or words that I internalized in some victim manner of thinking.  I realize now these were mere perfectly timed lessons to help me understand that which was obscured by my own thinking and lack of awareness.  I hold no grudges, I hold no ill will and in this moment in time I feel nothing but love, forgiveness, absolution (as Toni would put it) because in a state of absolution it is almost as if you come to the true realization that there really is no transgression to forgive at a much higher level than normal human consciousness. 

Life is sometimes like going to a movie.  You watch what is projected upon the screen and view, interact or think of it as if it is separate from you.  Something you watch or engage in as you think right.  The reality is that life is how you create it, at least from the perspective of your own thoughts and emotions.  However, if you were to clear away your thoughts, labels, judgments and resulting emotions, you are left with a feeling and that feeling is the truth of a thing.  There is a difference between feeling an emotion and getting in touch with the truth of a feeling that comes from the core of the heart of your soul.  You have to learn to observe the difference but I assure you it exists.  As I learn to observe interactions from this state and this place, I have no urges to engage, circumvent or control.  I am at peace, tranquil, loving and understanding.  We all have our truths to uncover and I begin to uncover my own and loosen the grips of a tightly woven prison I created for myself with false beliefs and fears.  I hold them no more and will find each trace and nullify them as well.  And so it IS! 

A present particular challenge I face I have created for myself with my thoughts as a rock and a hard place.  At first I felt the pain, frustration and pure grief of this space in a certain area of my life.  I cannot rail against myself, a system or a paradigm that I, myself, have created for my own learning and at some level, amusement.  So, I began to shift my thoughts and the pressure increased.  The pressure knocked me to the ground hard and I kept crawling and feeling a sense of failure.   What I have come to realize is that I have not failed at all.  It is only a matter of a much needed and perfectly timed transformation from which I can allow things to be as they are and unfold as they will in the absence of fear.  I know from somewhere deep inside this change...this transformation is perfect, necessary and beautiful even if parts are perceived as painful.  We are always in motion, changing, growing, shifting and increasing understanding about things as they are and hopefully learning to allow things to be as they are instead of what we require them to be.  I cannot hold another's belief about me as truth because it's simply a perception that is not even my own.  I've done this the whole of my life and finally finding the smoke of this matter, following it's trail to a painful flame burning has sent me to a place inside where I can love the pain, love the fear and bravely face life unfolding just as it is.  It's perfect as it is...every word, every action, every thought and every reaction. 

In the process of my resistant understanding, realization has begun to dawn and my sleepy mind and heart awaken a little more.  I feel as if I've just been through a horrific battle with my arms tired as hell from swinging a broadsword of illusion.  There is no fight and nothing to flee from.  Life is just life, beautiful, changing, evolving and filled with grace and perfection unimaginable.  Learning to look for it and not only see it (that's just the beginning) but learning to feel that beauty from the inside out is a precious blessing and gift.  THIS gift I readily receive - again, and so IT IS!  I'm feeling a bit like the butterfly breaking free of the cocoon.  I suddenly realized I was in one and I'm ready to venture out, unfurl and dry those wings of mine and not only fly but soar.  That is my destiny.  It will be.  ~Blessings for your journey beautiful souls.  Every breath and step you take matters.  In love and light may you receive all the beautiful blessings your lives will continually bring you.

This post, I dedicate to all the powerful and amazing teachers in my life.  I thank you all from the center of my being.  I send you all my love always.

(Photo was a fortunate random internet find)

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Internal Frontiers

Sometimes I wonder about my own thoughts.  I don't tend to even notice them until I feel them somewhere within my body, or lately, as a stressful condition takes hold of my focus.  I have a problem it seems.  I tend to take on too much.  Now mind you, I love, love, love peace, stillness and tranquility so very much.  But, I also love to learn about everything.  I'm so curious about anything and everything I find myself pulled this way and that and before long, all those curiosities stack up against the things I must think about and do.  Resistance sets in and the stressful thoughts are triggered.  I realized a long time ago that stress is very specific result to internal resistance.  Resisting what is instead of accepting things as they are will result in stress or feelings of discomfort.

I have to think about the sources of my own stress.  I am all too familiar with them but I'm not quite sure I can do anything to change circumstances at this time.  However, I am working on getting to the fundamental challenges that live deepest within the core of my being...who am I and what am I as well as whether I am living up to those things authentically day in and day out.  Sometimes I can say yes but very often I would have to say no.  I'm not intentionally inauthentic, it is just that I must focus a good portion of my time for now on what I seem to be losing interest in.  Is it burn out?  Maybe.  Am I just growing up and learning what's important to me?  Maybe.  Is it mid-life crisis?  Maybe.  All I know is that the stress begins with my own thoughts and the feelings behind them pushing me towards what I really want which will ultimately lead me away from an aspect of where I am. 

I realized something tonight driving home with the view clouded from my own tears.  Sometimes things are painful because it's time to change.  I realize deep down how very much I have changed.  My thoughts have changed, my desires have changed and the real person deep inside of me is breaking through this image of me I've allowed to take over as an existor (new word??? LOL) in my life.  All toxic horizons have been traversed and left behind me except for one and now that one becomes so painful for me it is all I can do to just breathe sometimes.  There are some themes and situations that can sometimes make us feel so hopeless and helpless but I know by far better than to give into those temporarily destructive thoughts.  I got what I wanted and that was to break through to the truth of who I am and what I wanted.  It's just that now I look around at some of the things that I've created and while satisfied in a way, I feel a sense of completion and an urge to move on.  So, with this last toxic seeming frontier I've created I've only one thing left to do.  That is, allow the change inside my heart and my thoughts to take over with a beautiful energetic magnetism and bring forth the change I most want.  The only thing I need do is be open, aware and stay positively curious about what unfolds next.  I need not despair toxic frontiers because I know I created my own discomfort just in time.

Change is always on the wind it seems in my life and honestly, I welcome it.  What beautiful blessings will this next series of changes bring me?  Who knows.  But I'm ready to make a change and take it all the way whatever it is that truly means.  I guess that's going to have to be enough to go on for now.  I'm tired of trying to make something work that can't and so, I give up and give in and do so gladly knowing that it is no failure to give in in this instance.  What it is I'm doing is realizing I've accomplished what I set out to do and now that it is done, I can move on to other things.  Time, time may not seem such a great friend at the moment as I wax impatient from time to time and become frustrated and tearful with the things I am feeling. In truth, at the heart of my soul I'm more peaceful in this moment than I've been in a long time.  The road to endings in preparation for new beginnings can take more courage than one thinks they can muster but that courage and strength is there and begins in the heart of a beautiful well of love deep within.  This, I know I can  So be it. ~Blessings for a grand adventure dearest souls.  Life might not always feel or seem perfect but truly it is and beautifully so.

(photo was a random internet find)