The Heart Break of Letting Go and Healing

At so many different points in my life I have faced the agonizing decision of letting go.  I have let go of jobs, places I loved, People I loved and even family pets that I loved so much.  None of these can be faced, I think, without encountering some level of intense grief in the act of letting go.  I don’t deal with these situations very well.  When I realize these are manifesting in my life for whatever reason, my body physically starts to fight back hard with that deep and heavy feeling in the chest, that sinking feeling of horrendous anxiety, or those doubtful feelings of failure, of losing something important or realizing you just can’t hold on anymore either for self-preservation or it’s just time for others to go.  So, letting go becomes the only option for many reasons.

 

In my time on Earth, I have had some pretty epic letting go scenarios.  The first and the hardest were letting my parents go. One through death, the other through substance and resulting extreme toxicity that I could no longer bear.  The latest, a beloved pet I raised from a puppy.  For some reason this feels like the worst letting go of all of them.  I’m not sure why really but I suspect that the grief of any letting go is cumulative.  You don’t ever heal from letting go and each time a new scenario presents itself and you must decide again that you must let go even when you don’t want to, all the pain from all of the past letting go’s come straight back out to the light of day from the depths of your soul.

 

They say grief and pain heal in time.  Sitting here today, I know that isn’t true.  You can come to terms with letting go, the emotional whirlwind of grief but when you love so deeply and must let go, there is no real recovery.  You must learn to expand who you are, stretch your very capacity for understanding, love and compassion and learn to live despite the pain.  It’s the hardest thing to do.  But what I can offer is that there is something I discovered along the way when dealing with the heart break of having to let go.  I mean, first and foremost, counseling is helpful in managing the processing of emotion. Given.  Important.  Please do it if you face extreme pain in letting go whether mandatory of voluntary. 

 

Next, what begins must end.  Nothing stays the same forever. On this planet, in this dimension and framework, things begin and end.  Or, well, things shift focus.  What is of primary emotional focus, will not be so in 365 days more than likely, or 6 months, or 1 month or whatever.  The same is true of emotional pain. The time leading up to the imminent decision of letting go is the worst, the moment of feels worse yet and then days that immediately follow are pretty bad.  When it comes to letting go of people and pets, there is an energy separation that feels very physical.  That intense energy separation period seems to be its worst for the first 3 days following the letting go.  The rest of the next week, moments of feeling normal wash in like waves from time to time in increasing intensity.  The next week after that is the same.  Emotional moments and more normal feeling moments come. The pain starts to lose intensity at times and you start to have more blocks of time where you feel normal again.  As you continue to engage in moving forward, the third week really starts to cement the new habits.

 

Now, you can step back and freeze yourself in these early stages if your push yourself into denial or bargaining, which the mind may want to do. But if you could just acknowledge these arising when they do whithout curling up into the fetal position when you encounter them, you can keep forward progress. 

 

The year of firsts is really a thing.  Key dates that first year will be difficult, as your mind wanders through memories or temporarily forgets that you had to let go, these moments can be painful.  Acknowledge the pain and know, the level of pain is equal to the love. That thought really helps you to give yourself some compassion.  Of course, it hurts, you loved.  They go hand in hand.

 

Now, when the letting go is voluntary, extra care is definitely needed.  Your mind could potentially dream up all sorts of scenarios where – you wouldn’t have to say good by if only this or that had happened.  But backwards thinking, wishing or fantasizing cannot change today.  You can also worry or doubt yourself into oblivion about whether or not you did the right thing but here is where a big dose of self-assurance and trust comes in.  If you gauged a situation as any form of danger whether that be emotional, physical or financial, to the point you felt letting go was required, trust yourself.  At the end of the day, the person you owe is yourself. Setting health boundaries means that sometimes you will need to let go of all that is not in alignment with what you need. There will be no shortage of challenge, judgement or harassment for boundaries and letting go when you felt you needed to.  If you are concerned, get counseling to vet your thoughts and decisions before you invoke them.  Then trust yourself to do the right thing by yourself.  Your happiness and quality of life matter.  That happiness and quality of life is something within your power to control.  You cannot control other people.  You may be able to influence them or their behavior, but you cannot change the reality of the exchange.  If it is toxic or dangerous for you in any way, letting go may help you preserve you.  Even though pain in such an instance is seemingly self-inflicted, it’s really no different than an involuntary letting go.  You must work through the steps and if you can steer clear of second guessing yourself or entertaining the harassment of those who don’t agree with your decision, you will move on and eventually learn to live your life again despite the pain.

 

Pain isn’t the enemy. When I feel it, I’ll be honest…a part of me panics.  I may actually have panic attacks of the kind where I lose consciousness as my system is overwhelmed with anxiety and emotion.  It is really uncomfortable.  I face the same reaction whether the letting go is voluntary or involuntary.  Although it is definitely made worse by outside harassment after I have decided that the best thing for me is to let go.  I know that if the decision to let go comes to my mind, I have already done all I can do, managed all that I can, considered all other options for me and must do what I feel is right. That is my right.  Bottom line. Dealing with the pain, as I said is similar.  Getting over heart break and the panicky feelings of the first days is hard.  You cannot heal them completely, but I think “getting over” is a better way to put it.  You learn to accept in time as you continue with your life, and you expand enough to do that. The pain may always be there, and you may even be reminded and feel that twinge of pain from time to time but sometimes letting go is the only thing that you can do.  No matter what anyone else says, the way you deal with parting is individual and unique.  My experience here may not be true for you.  I’ve just observed the energetic aspect – that physical feeling of separation that is the hardest at first. That energy deficit does calm down and right itself within about 3 weeks.  Emotional pain may take longer to work through, and each path is different there.

 

The most important thing that you can do for yourself when you are facing one of the many “letting go” periods of your life is to be really good to yourself.  Honor the emotions you feel, acknowledge them, give yourself time to feel them.  Emotional times aren’t necessarily times for action though.  Keep in mind that when you are grieving, you are impaired when it comes to things like decisions.  Rely on your circle to help you through any decisions that must be made during grieving.  Any important decisions that can be put off while you are grieving, put them off for a time.  Turn your focus inward kindly and gently.  The things that have helped me most during times of grief were just the simple acts of daily living.  Getting up in the morning when I don’t feel like it, showering, getting dressed, getting myself presentable as normal or eating, working and taking care of my home.  Take it easy on yourself but do keep up with as many of your responsibilities as you can.  Get outside if you can.  Breathe in nature with your lungs, with your eyes, with your ears and with your heart.  These things all help.

 

Letting go is part of life.  As I said, everything changes – nothing ever stays the same. We must learn to roll with the punches, flow with the changes and some days this will take epic amounts of energy and sheer force of will.  That’s okay.  Just keep going.  Even when it seems like life his horrible and dark, it won’t aways seem that way.

 

© 2023 J.L. Harter (photos/words)

Walking You Home

Written September 5, 2017:

 

My heart is so heavy it feels as if it cannot bear even the tiniest increment more of this pain.  Grief is a process and mine has only just begun.  I lost a very dear friend today.  I didn’t lose him in the usual way.  He got sick.  He was not going to get better and so I had to compassionately release him.  It happened so quick and he was gone.  For almost 14 years of my life he was there for me every single day.  He was sweet, so very sweet.  Every morning he would greet me as I went down stairs to make my coffee.  He used to wait at my door but as the years went by, he stopped hopping up the stairs like he used to.  He would hear me on the stairs and start meowing.  We would talk while I made coffee and got him his breakfast.  So much have we been through, he and I. 

He was the most beautiful and majestic kitty I have ever seen.  His sweetness was beyond anything I’ve ever known in a furry friend.  I remember the day we brought him home.  He was so tiny that he fit in the palm of my hand.  He was so beautiful, long black fur, and those huge yellow eyes.  My youngest daughter was only 1 and over the years, they became best friends.  I used to love to watch the love that they shared.  It made me smile from the center of my heart.  It was just simply beyond beautiful.  I'd honestly say it was truly extraordinary.

Today was beautiful too.  We brought him home from the ER having already gotten the news he would never recover.  I made a tough call because I loved him so much and just could not bear for him to experience any more pain, no more stress of vet visits and finally be at peace.  We all had the afternoon off to spend with our little family friend.  We played, as much as he could.  We loved as much as he would let us.  We gave him his favorite treats. We each sat with him and stroked his still so very beautiful, long black fur.  For brief moments, all seemed normal even though there was a heaviness in the air.  The clock ticked quickly and the hour came.  The hour came...

We drove to our wonderful vet.  They explained what would happen and we braced for it and it happened lightening fast.  So fast that if you blinked, you’d have missed it.  His spirit was gone soaring.  Our hearts broke and broke and broke. They break still.  We reached a point where there would be no more thinking about the tomorrows.  He was where he was, sick, deteriorating and sometimes the most  compassionate and loving thing you can do is let go.  So, we let go.  And now, now there is grief and wishing it hadn’t happened but knowing it did, it has and we can’t go back.  We have to cry, mourn and face the empty space in our lives he left us with.  He was so sweet.  His energy of just being there was so precious to me.  I’m so very grateful for my little friend.  It might seem silly to feel so much for a cat.  But he was not just a cat.  He was my friend, a true and good one.  He was the littlest member of our family and we just loved him so.

He brought so much to our lives in the simple things, with his constant presence and the joy and laughter he seemed to often inspire in all of us.   I am so very grateful that he was part of our lives for as long as he was.  Our little furry friends can be so very special in our lives.  We mourn because we loved and that can never be wrong.  I hurt and I hurt a lot but you know what?  I wouldn’t change it.  I wouldn’t change knowing him or any day that I had with him in my life.  The memories of him, we will always treasure and today?  Well, we got through it as a family.  As hard as it was on each of us, we walked our little friend home with love, with dignity and with great appreciation for all that he gave us.  Good bye Zacky Midnight, my little special friend.  I pray God has the most special place for you in Heaven.  You deserve that and so much more.  We love you and miss you.

Hold your fur babies close and love without any fear.  Sometimes life is great joy and sometimes too, great sadness.  The point is to love.  The point is to experience.  The point is to share.  Our little fur babies share so much with their sweet innocence and never ending love.  They are truly treasures.  If you are grieving the loss of a family pet, my heart goes out to you.  I know your pain and I know that pain means you loved and were loved by a precious little fur baby.  Even if it doesn't last forever, the love never dies.  It just never dies.  May your God or Goddess be with you and your fur babies no matter whether they are here or happily and patiently waiting for you somewhere near the Rainbow Bridge. 

A Split Decision and Peace

I had occasion to visit a local theme park a few days ago.  Aside from letting my inner child out with much excitement, I made an unexpected discovery.  I’ve never been one for amusement park rides or fast-moving roller-coasters that take you way up high away from the Earth’s normal pull on your being and let you free fall quickly back down.  There is a feeling in it that I just never cared for.  To describe it might sound strange or to some of you, not but its that tightening sensation at the core of my being during free fall that I just never ever liked.  I don’t care for the feeling of gravity forces on me at any rate of speed.  I guess I just never found any joy in it.

Well, upon my recent visit to the “Happiest place on Earth,” I went on one of those rides…not a big one or a fast one, mind you, but one with a bit of a drop.  This time as I  approached the few seconds before the drop I knew would be coming, instead of tensing up, I let go.  I let go and let whatever would happen, happen.  The rise in the darkness came and then the drop and I relaxed so fully into the experience of it I felt near out of body.  Time slowed in my consciousness and I felt a very familiar sensation.  It was nearly just like that moment in the void during my NDE (Near Death Experience) where there was no motion, no body to tense, no light, no anything but just me, my consciousness and a presence.  Well, that is what I felt this time.  I let go so fully without any concern.  I found myself for mere seconds in a state where nothing in my life held any significance for me and that meant, there was nothing for me to fight against.  In that moment "life" as I knew it didn’t hold significance because I knew whether I tensed up or relaxed, all was going to be as it was.  It needed no interference from me focused or not and it would go on as it was meant to.  It's hard to put the exact sentiment into words.

When I reached the bottom of the drop, my senses came back to me with the sounds of rushing water and the screaming of exhilaration from the children I traveled on the ride with (grown up ones too) and I just smiled from somewhere deep inside of my being.  I knew what was coming, I knew I didn’t care for the feeling of gravity pulling me back to Earth but I enjoyed it truly for the first time in this life.  Now, I’ll not be setting my sights on bigger and faster roller-coasters for that just isn’t my way.  I don’t derive joy from getting a fix of my own adrenaline.  Every day life does that enough for me, honestly.  But, I did feel a sense of triumph.  Not for making it through the amusement park ride but rather for a moment of letting go so completely that I felt myself disappear into a place of pure peace, quiet and freedom.  I can’t explain it any better than that.

It was a perfect day in every other way but in this moment, I found the day to be extraordinary and it took the least amount of effort.  It took only a split second decision to shift my focus from a point of resistance to a point of complete and total surrender and I have to tell you that it freed a part of my psyche in a way I can’t say I’ve enjoyed much in my life.  Now, I don’t intend to run around the rest of my life extrapolating tiny moments of decision making to give myself a little buzz of triumph but I will hold gratitude for every moment that I am granted and have wits about me enough to recognize that in much of this life I am given a choice in terms of how I will experience something.  That, to me, is an epic outcome to a simple and yet at times very complex, adventure…Life.

Copyright 2017, (photo and words), Jaie Hart

The Entirety of the Universe in an Infinite Drive

The Earth has turned past that point at which we enjoy the vibrant fiery display of colorful light bending and brightening along the horizon.  Cerulean blue skies are gently fading still.  The sea breeze has picked up and I can hear wind chimes tinkling in the distance.  They bring a pleasant emphasis to the end of a beautifully temperate summer day.  One breath and a glance around me and I notice the silence and stillness is palpable as people have already returned to their dwellings and settled in for the night.  I let my outward glance linger a little longer and notice the beautiful trees outside my window swaying in the breeze while singing a song that sounds like a beautifully rushing river.  The rustling leaves I somehow feel stirring something deep within my soul and I think to myself that this moment could not be any more perfect.

I’ve slowed down in my writing quite a bit lately, for months actually and it has been intentional.  I've been blogging for more than eight years and have rarely had a shortage of things to say or thoughts to think.  But my life experiences these past many years have left me with so much to contemplate and process offline that I finally took the time to pause a bit more.  As I think about it, it seems funny to me that with all of those years of writing and time spent reflecting I still feel as if I have barely scratched the surface and at any moment this amazing something is just going to come rushing up and out of me and that'll be it for me.  I'll be spent!  I've been too busy to reflect in a way I might have liked because I took out a very big life lesson plan and my, has it been all too easy to be overly focused there.  I think after so many years of reflection quite openly, I’ve needed to focus more on the present.  Not just being in it but learning to breathe it in, accept it as it is, remain okay with all that I have created and learn to appreciate all the things tangible and intangible in this life that I can touch or that touches me. I needed to sit more quietly and to just feel.

So, one of my many journeys has ended over the past couple of years and I’ve had to slow down to process it and really come to terms with all I’ve learned.  The discoveries have been beautifully eye-opening and well, completely mind bending.  I’m left with a much emptier bag of beliefs from the point at which my conscious spiritual journey began almost 30 years ago.  I don’t have as many questions as I once had for they have been readily answered.  I did not have the benefit of a single wise and gentle elder who guided me specifically.  No.  I walked through every possible lesson I could with the best of intent and fell to my knees often in agony for what I did not see until it was upon me.  But then again, as the tears stopped falling, this infinite well of gratitude opened up within me and I began to understand much of what I was truly searching for.  Many thanks, as always, to the hundreds of teachers who crossed my path with a word, a smile, an emotion, a drama or quiet acknowledgement.  I sincerely thank every one of you.

As I shook away the last vestiges of torn beliefs and worn out stories, I started to reflect a little more relying on the only source I truly had at my disposal.  That source was my own consciousness.  I had to learn to sit with just my thoughts, my anxieties, my fears, my worries, my inadequacies, my pathological never-ending-seeming blind spots and the lingering effects of my environmental psychology as well as the after-effects of everyone else’s.  What did I learn?  The next book will explain much of it but suffice it to say that I learned letting go was all that was needed and that meant letting go of belief, of hopes, of dreams, of desires all born of the desires of a version of me that is now a bit of a stranger to me.  I guess I just needed something to hold onto as we all do.  That is no easy thing although I tap it out as if it were trivial.  I guess as we age we all have our defining moments to consider and reconsider again and again to make sure we’ve gleaned enough of life’s important lessons in order that we might continue more meaningfully.  Am I done yet?  Oh Heavens no...not even close.

My goal now is dealing with the emptiness that I have created unconsciously and yet so meticulously and with so much faith.  I’m letting go of everything I thought I should have been, could have been or would have been and embracing the reality of who I am even though I’m not yet, despite near 50 years now on this Earth, certain of who precisely that is.  And the funny thing is I’m okay with a little mystery in my life.  In general, I can feel what I need to know and I’m satisfied with that.  I’m happy at my core to know and understand the beauty of every single thing I’ve created as I have made my way through life this far.  A prior frame of my thought process would have had me writhing in agony over the imperfect execution of much of my journey up until this point.  But something snapped a few years back and it's not that I stopped caring but that I suddenly realized the futility of the prior impetus for my own motion and resulting perceptions.

My mind grows curious again about what comes next but there is much less urgency to it, there is no fear of not finding it and no worry now that I’ll miss it.  I’ve learned so far that we truly have everything we really need at the moment we need it most.  For now that need I have truly is just to be, to exist, to continue to experience with eyes wide open not in expectation but with an eagerness to participate and to choose to embrace what comes my way.   What other choice have I really?  Well, I suppose I could become all fearful and worried or delude myself with some quest of great mystical or magical importance.  But I’ve learned the secrets are by far more simple than that.  No complex constructs are necessary to feel, to breathe, to watch as the sun climbs to the center of the sky and makes it way all the way across again.  It is so simple to recognize that unmistakable light in a child’s eyes or calm peace of your pet, the chaos of loving family life and the oh so important day job of course.  It is all really perfect and beautiful.  Just don’t over do it on the seriousness part. There is a gentleness in the energy around you when you open your heart to your own well of compassion and let it spill out all around you in every direction.

I came into this world facing a vast chasm of inherent dichotomy and striving so hard to reconcile it to perfection not realizing this world of opposites and everything within it was already perfect and not needing reconciling.  The traces of the many illusions I once held begins to leave me a little more and I take more time in the dark of the night to open my eyes to nothing for in the nothing I perceive lies everything that matters, the peace, the love, the compassion, the beautiful energy of All That Is and all of the universe only one tiny subtle feeling away.  And all of this came crashing into my mind as I drove home from work last night.  I looked up at the sky watching the blue fade into the brightness of the beginning of sunset and I realized what I could not see was there none-the-less and how I was moving at a set speed, while the Earth turned and rotated around our sun as our Milky Way Galaxy spiraled itself out amongst the other stars and galaxies into the beautiful dark matter that surrounds every drop of light.  I felt it then, infinity and it took my breath away.  I paused all other thought in that very moment and waited patiently for my breath to find me.  As it did, I smiled from somewhere so deeply inside, the light and the energy I felt rivaled that of our beautiful sun.  The traffic light in the near distance turned red.  I slowed to a stop resolute, comforted on the edge of everything not at all okay.  With perfect calm, I lifted my hand and I turned up the radio. I left my thoughts of the infinite universe trailing behind me as I turned to the nearest human in the car to my left and smiled with a deeply profound sense of appreciation for all of humanity.  Life is so very tenuous and still we strive.  I let the thoughts finally rest and made my last turn.  I finally made it home.

  © 2016 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

Loving Flow

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When we find something or someone good, we tend to want to hold on to it or them forever.  But is forever meant to be for you, the thing or the person?  In rare cases, the answer may be yes but more than likely the majority of the time the answer is no.  It seems unfair doesn’t it?  I mean, why can’t we have everything we want, the way we want it without change?  Well, here is the funny thing about this thought.  We invite things and people into our sphere for a specific purpose.  Once that purpose has been fulfilled, it’s sometimes best to let go and relax into any change that begins to occur. 

I know how hard this is.  It’s so much easier when things stay exactly as they are and nothing changes.  The only thing wrong with that is that everything changes.  Even you, right now are changing.  Your cells are dividing, replicating, repairing and doing all sorts of things they were programmed to do.  You are never the same and are never in the same place (think cosmologically).  So, how can we seek security in holding on to people or things and expect things not to change without great suffering on someone’s part and primarily your own?  Honestly, we can’t.  It’s quite impossible without creating pain or usurping free will in some cases.

Situations, things and people will come and go in your life and it’s okay.  It’s okay to feel angry and sad when forced to let go but let go anyway and know that it is perfectly okay to grieve.  Know that no matter what it is that occurs in your life, there is a silver lining in it and it will primarily come about in your eventual understanding.  Think back across the span of the life you have lived up to this point.  Is there really not one shred of a silver lining you can find in letting someone or something go?  Sometimes we need to change things for our own growth.  Sometimes we need to allow change for the growth of others.

What if we could find security in change knowing that no matter what the body faces or what the thoughts we think or the emotions we create as a result that we were going to be okay?  Would that not help us live with a little less suffering?  If we could but try, we may find ourselves living a much more peaceful existence.  You cannot trap a thing into a state of no change.  You cannot trap a person into your life who is finished with their learning and must move on for their higher good.  Sometimes, the most loving thing for you to do for yourself is to let go realizing not everything in this world is about you.  Sometimes the things that you encounter have more to do with another.  Whatever it is and regardless of which side of the lesson you stand on, realize it’s a lesson in growth.  It is what we came here to do in part.

Count on change not as an enemy but a friend.  Count on those who are the impetus of change not as adversaries but as friends (even if well disguised).  Change and the people or situations that create change for us when we are unwilling to create that change for ourselves are actually doing us a great service even if we can’t see.  So, wish no ill, hold no regret, hold no thoughts of anger or vengeance, just love yourself through the change that comes and let the rest unfold as it will.  In time and with introspection, understanding will come.  You will come to uncover the truth of a thing, a situation or even a person’s presence or lack there of if and only if you are willing.

Life can be hard but you, you are strong, resourceful and amazing.  You can learn to find comfort in change and let the emotions work themselves out without taking action to stop change from occurring.  I think of this aspect of life like a living moving stream of water.  It flows as it will.  If it is dammed, it builds up pressure until it overflows what blocks it.  If it changes direction, it doesn’t try to go back, it just flows in its new direction.  You can learn this too and with some practice you too can learn to go with the flow, relax and find meaning and purpose even if it’s hard.  Don’t be afraid.  Just breathe.  Take one loving step after another on this beautiful Earth and know everything happens for a good reason even if it doesn’t feel good or even if you don’t understand. ~Blessings of perfect loving flow.

(photo, fortunate random internet find)

Motion and Growth

I could probably say this a thousand times and every time the sentiment would still run as deep.  This world is such an amazing place.  Life can seem so very difficult at times, I know.  But consider something you may not have considered before, the things occurring in your lives are ultimately for your greater good in some way.  It may not seem so at times when you are trying to see with the tears of pain, frustration and anguish in your eyes but know that when the emotion fades and the heart has had a little time to heal, you will see the truth if you but open to it.  In life there are often phases of "clearing away."  These phases serve a great purpose.  Sometimes people and situations you have grown fond of and quite comfortable with must be cleared away to free up your energy and focus to bring in new energy and situations that are for your ultimate higher good. 

When you find yourselves is such a place of clearing, find the courage within to let go with love, let go with curiosity and let go knowing that you are able to stand and accept with grace those things that are coming to you.  Realize that although at times you may find yourselves lonely and feeling the effects of loss and change, you have a divine ability to create in your world and sometimes your creations must be set free to fly, to move and grow and when you let go, you may face a time of sadness and a seeming stasis sense of life around you.  Know that everything is always in motion, even you.  You're standing on a hunk of rock that spins on its axis at approximately just over 1,000 miles per hour (if you are on or near the equator) and while it spins, it is orbiting the sun at over 33,000 miles per hour (realizing many adjustments for elliptical versus circular orbit and many other variables and modifications).  Everything is moving, changing, growing, shedding, and regenerating.  Nothing ever stays the same.  This is not necessarily a bad thing although it can, at times, be quite painful.

Use moments of beauty and inspiration to soothe your soul until those things intended to manifest within your sphere of existence, manifest.  Find uplifting things to do, study, create and do things that feel good until the moments of emotional difficulty pass.  Embrace the change that comes because new things, people and situations can bring you the stuff of your deepest and most beautiful dreams.  Stand tall, curious and courageous beautiful dreamers and know that Source always provides an abundance of grace from which you can accept your fate and pursue your truest dreams.  Life is ultimately good even with all of its changing and shifting with people coming and going and the emotions swirling and turning within. ~Blessings of love, peace and higher wisdom dearest souls.

(c) 9/12 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

All the Wiser For It

The water seems murky as I walk along the shore.  No cerulean skies today but this thick gray blanket of clouds.  Its fitting I think considering my mood.  I take a deep breath to shore up my emotions not wanting to let them loose standing here in broad day light.  There are moments in life that the lessons just really sink in.  Some of that knowledge is pure bliss and joy but some of it too can hurt to the core.  It's all part of life and for me, it stems from the same theme.  I've been assured that I've passed the test this time but I wonder about that because I feel pretty certain that I failed and failed often.  If this past year cannot floor me and I can still get up every morning and smile, I must have a soul made of pure titanium.

I'm sad right now and that is just quite okay with me.  I've suffered quite a few loses this year among many aspects of my soul that I found.  I'm cautiously grateful and hopefully optimistic that as the sadness of loss fades, the gravity of the truth I came by quite honestly if even unintentionally begins to sink in.  These lessons of late both rocked my foundation and yet, at the very same time reinforced the very strength of it.  In some moments I wanted to crumple in a heap grieving and crying but I couldn't do it - not for longer than a few minutes any way.  I realized even in my darkest moments when the harshest parts of the lessons were unfolding that I am not who I thought I was.  As I sit here a little dazed I realize how very not unhappy that thought is to feel just now.

Human interactions can seem so tough some times but if you master the emotion of it by letting them be and exist instead of running away in fear, you learn a lot about yourself and your true place in this crazy dream.  It is not a place for unconscious creation and yet we do it - I've done it so much.  I laugh out loud and the waves mask the sounds.  I stare out into the sea and I see nothing but elsewhere...all of the elsewhere's I have been and with all of the people I stood there with.  We've come and gone again I guess and hopefully this time a bit more the wiser for the effort.  At times I have felt as fragile as glass this past year but I have learned I am not that and I am as strong as they come.  Yes things hurt and hurt deeply sometimes but I know that we don't go through pain for nothing.  It has great purpose or we would not create it. 

Oh the scenes I have created.  More amazing than the stuff of fantasies great and I loved every single moment of it regardless of what happened just before the curtain fell at the close of the final acts.  I smile knowing I gave my best as I stood witness in a role with complete amnesia for my part.  I sigh a little now and my soul struggles to stay within my body.  How can a single soul contain this much sorrow and yet this much bliss?  The dichotomy is so strange to me but I understand emotion a little better now and I understand the dream, the roles and the plays.  I understand the parts I played at least and I hold nothing but love and gratitude for all of those who joined the scenes we wished to act out together for a time.  A time, yes...a moment, beautiful moments.  I continue my walk and know without a doubt that I must look as far away as I feel.  My soul feels half here and gone and I'm glad.  It means I have learned how to feel the difference these past many months and the energy, well now that's another matter...that is the source of the bliss...it comes with love, compassion and understanding and I hold that for myself first and foremost and I hold it for the precious others who with me shared a line...a scene of our lives.  I pray one day they forgive me my role but perhaps one day they may also recall they signed up to be cast and we learned as we let loose every line and we are all - all the wiser for it.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo, beautiful random internet find).

The Other Side of the Coin (The Art of Letting Go)

In human interactions we often only see one side of the coin, one view, ours.  We make assumptions and assess judgments on others all from our often very narrow emotional point of view.  Without realizing this, we unwittingly create a lot of unnecessary pain for ourselves.  One thing I've noticed that seems to set people off is the need for the other partner to go away, on their own and in complete silence for whatever reason.  This one scenario in particular seems to create all sorts of unnecessary pain for the one suddenly faced with silence.  One of the best ways to deal with this one quite simply is to try to understand, pull your thoughts from an outward focus to an inward one and hold a space of love knowing that sometimes love means letting people exercise their free will and walk away from us or even take a temporary time out.

Sometimes silence is misunderstood and considered an attack.  It isn't.  There are times when there is just nothing more to say, time and space are needed for another to gain perspective and clarity concerning an interaction and well, maybe even just separate for the purpose of healing pain.  Unleashing a vengeful attack in such circumstances serves only to create more misery and pain for all involved.  Its hard when we want someone to stand in our presence, face us and what we want them to know and well, we can't do that because they've pulled away.  The best course of action is to just let them go, love them unconditionally and let them do what they need to do.  No other course will bring you balance and a loving space for healing too.

Go back to your assumptions and realize some universal laws.  Of primary importance is free will.  Every soul must be free to take whatever actions they need to take to make themselves okay.  Yes, it may hurt those left behind but the pain of separation can only be healed when you allow someone to go.  Making assumptions, assigning blame and adding misunderstanding to the equation will do nothing to promote your healing and will only leave you mired in negative energy making it near impossible for you to heal and grow.  People need to leave us sometimes either temporarily or permanently.  It is selfish of us to demand they stay just to make us feel better.  Think about it, if someone you love really wants to go away do you really want them to come back just so you won't be in pain?  What if that causes them pain?  Would really want them to be there for your sake only when they need to move away to gain clarity and peace?  If you answer yes, I would suggest it is not necessarily love that you hold for such a person and would further suggest that a part of you actually holds contempt for yourself. If you would hold another to you against their will, what parts of you are you suppressing and holding back from the freedom of unconditional love?

We humans hate change.  We want everyone and everything to stay the same.  This is an impossible expectation to hold and is wholly unrealistic if you ever wish to find a measure of serenity.  Step back to a place in time where someone tried to hold you against your will.  Did you like it?  Did you really need to just get away from that person and yet you couldn't because they held you?  How did that make you feel?  Another side of the coin is this, every soul must be free to come and go in our lives like it or not.  If we hold someone to be of such importance that we can never let them go and be happy, we're being sent a very important message.  We, in such beliefs, are giving away our power or willingly putting our happiness in someone else's hands.  This is such a hard lesson to grasp but that doesn't make it any less true.  You command your own happiness and nothing can wreck your happiness quicker than handing over your power to some form of attachment and it doesn't matter if that attachment is to things, people or a particular feeling or even a moment in time.  Another one of the laws in the universe is that everything is in motion, everything vibrates and moves.  We cannot hold things still for long.  If we can learn to love, embrace change and give everything and everyone the freedom to grow and change, we empower ourselves with that very same freedom.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was to learn the art of letting go.  There is an art to it and it takes a lot of practice.  However, once you begin to master it, letting go may still be painful but only at first.  When you seek the wisdom and understanding of the gift letting go brings you and letting things or people be free to be what they are whether with you or without you, the pain is thin and doesn't last long.  With time and understanding you can accept the things you cannot change (like other people and their choices) and you allow yourself to be who you truly are.  Non-attachment does not mean emotionally disengaged.  It means that you love and respect things as they are and allow yourself the knowledge and understanding that everything must always change.  It is the way of this world and it doesn't matter if it takes you an hour, days or years and lives to learn this.  One day you'll master it because you love yourself enough to maintain your power and give yourself permission to be free.  Just some food for thought.  Many blessings of love, light and healing!

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (Photo is a random internet find)

So it's Over, Now What?

So, it's over
Now what?
That thing you thought was everything
Whatever it was and whatever you thought it would be
It's over
So now what?
Will you lie there defeated, deflated and wounded?
Will you hate, seek revenge, sink to the depths of despair?
Will you calculate, seek to commiserate and drive the wounds in deep?
Are you the victim of a villain?
Are you a victim of circumstance?
What are you in this? 
Have you given it thought?
You look back at the days and weeks
But do you see what happened?
Do you truly comprehend the purpose of the experience?
You didn't want change did you?
You wanted to take this one thing and possess it, hold it there for eternity unchanged
Did you think that was reasonable or realistic to hold a thing static to appease your fears?
Really?  Was that a reasonable expectation to towards your serenity
In a world where everything is always in continual motion?
So, it's over
Now what?
Will you sort through the facts or hold to your provisional truths
So carefully created with environmental psychology?
Will you stand in the darkness?
If so, how long?
What will it take to propel you toward transcendence?
What will it take to reveal your own hand in your seeming undoing?
Think about it.
Things in this world do not happen to you randomly while you try to have a good time.
Things in this world you experience are created by you, for you
Either consciously or unconsciously
So, it's over
Now what?
Is it time yet to look again
And see what was really there in the absence of hate and fear or rejection?
Is it time yet to embrace the lesson you  just couldn't see?
Is it time yet to wake from your deep and dark slumber?
It can be if you want it to be
So, it's over
Now what?
Can you take the steps towards the light on your own two feet?
Can you realize you created the scene so perfectly?
Can you comprehend the bad thing can be a good thing in terms of your soul's growth?
You can but free will dictates that concept, that pure and beautiful action
Is entirely up to a matter of your choosing
You can remain mired in the darkness and like a black whole suck all the life out of
Everyone and everything around you to validate you, vindicate you from responsibility
Or, you can seek the deeper meaning, gain understanding and embrace the change
That was inevitable to bring alignment with your soul's truest desire?
So, its over
Now what?
Stand up, live, love and breathe...you are that powerful and nothing can take you down but you.

(c) 2009 Jaie Hart - photo is a random internet find...

Note:  From a new book in the works by Jaie Hart. :)

Comfortably Numb

We, as a people, are so epically under developed in terms of our senses.  Day in and day out our senses become numbed beyond comprehension by egotistical pursuits and pain and we are so unaware.  We don’t appropriately understand the need, I mean core-level need, to have about us all of our God-given faculties.  We pursue people, things, feelings – all outside of ourselves to feed the insatiable ego at the expense of the state of our souls.  We are not intrinsically bad in such endeavors, just unaware and the truth is that for every moment we remain unaware, we commit ourselves to this vicious cycle of same, same and same.  I don’t know about you but quite some time ago, that concept became so distasteful to me.  I was probably the leader of the pack in terms of pursuing those things that kept all of my senses, all of my hopes and all of my dreams in this thick, murky and nebulous comfortably numb state of total unawareness.  I’ll tell you what it brought me – years and years of blindness and pain to the truth of this world, the truth about life and most definitely, the truth about me.

Other cultures and societies on our own planet Earth learned to tap into these God-given senses and they were so often ridiculed, persecuted and judged by an ignorant and fearful majority that their great lessons are lost to antiquity.  Some of us strive so hard to recover the truths these other cultures have found.  For one who looks, even just a little, you will see the traces of this knowledge and understanding on every continent that now covers the Earth.  Yet, still, the ignorant and fearful majority ridicules, persecutes and judges those who pursue the truth.  It’s a sad state in reality.  I cannot judge them as bad for their actions because at heart I understand truly the nature of fear and how it has the capacity to warp and twist a mind, heart and soul.  In our own lack of faith and trust in what we can feel as the truth, we lock ourselves away in our own prisons of heinous thoughtless design.  There it is we stay until we become so spiritually toxic, so emotionally sick and so mentally frustrated that we begin to look within for some way out.

I cannot present a problem without a solution.  There are many solutions to be had in this world and so many can be found right inside the hearts of us.  There is more than one language for example.  We have the languages of literal written and spoken symbols used across the globe.  It is just as don Miguel Ruiz writes, these symbols are inadequate to fully express the truth about anything.  Until we can learn to feel the power of the strength and feelings within our bodies we will be unable to understand some of the things our limited symbols do not cover.  When speaking to a soul on planet Earth, if you listen only to the words they are speaking, you are missing volumes of very valuable and pertinent information that needs to be understood in order to truly hear what a person is really saying.  It’s only guesswork to try to read between the lines because your own egotistical wounds and filters will tell you only what it wants to perceive in order to make it better than the person speaking.  If we cannot learn to “feel” and I mean really “feel” what the other person is trying to tell us with all of our senses (mind, heart, body, soul and spirit), we will only ever learn bits and pieces of a lesson presenting itself and may miss a beautiful opportunity to participate in life.  We may also mistake what we think we are hearing if we get so hung up on the words and syntax alone.  There is more, so much more and you cannot read these separately and get the whole picture.  You must learn to take them in all at once.

So much on this Earth presented to us can be misread and misunderstood creating emotions, assuming the worst possible scenario driving us deeper behind our walls of fear.  These fears exploited by governments, politicians and the crafty egotistically wounded people can drive you into seeking numbness in order to exist and feel safe.  These designs force you into protective mode and perpetuate cycles of bare existence moving from one distraction to the next that continues to dull the senses further. 

Reconnect to the human race, the truth about who we really are and what we are capable of.  Forget about complacency and the seeming safety of known evils and ignoring what your senses are telling you.  Get quiet often and learn to feel your way through things, conversations and situations.  Everything is speaking all the time, as a dear soul to me so often says.  Its true.  A rock will speak to you.  A tree will speak to you.  Even a bird will speak to you.  Oh, not in the limited language of inadequate symbols but through the heart, through feeling and through the soul.  There are frequencies of information playing on low in the background, like a radio with the sound turned way down, all the time.  When we begin to listen for the sound, the feeling and the meaning, you will begin to hear the languages and through repeated listening, you will begin to feel and understand and awaken all of the senses you came to this Earth with.  Forget comfortably numb.  Don’t remain part of the problems of this world.  Step outside the comforts of complacency and learn how to listen.  Your life will become so much more rich, fascinating and ultimately joyful for you.

Rant over, I’m off to finish cooking dinner.  I love learning and learning to truly listen with all of my senses has been one of my life’s greatest discoveries and I am still learning.  I am just absolutely loving every single minute of it.   I hope you discover the beauty of learning and feeling along these lines too.  If you haven’t found that space yet, just set your intent, relax and open up to it.  With practice, it will come as will people to help you understand.  ~Brightest blessings dearest souls.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo, random but beautiful internet find)

The Season

A rather prophetic poem I wrote some time ago for someone who meant the world to me but who never knew.

The Season

I will walk with you
If you want me to
I’ll be your refuge
Your pause from the world

I’ll be here for you
If you want me to
To listen when you need it
And go when you ask

I’ll stay here and hold you
If you want me to
And give you love and kindness
Without any strings

I’ll keep inside what I feel for you
If you want me to
But you know that I care too much
And at some point I’ll have to go

I’ll walk away from you
If you want me to
Perhaps that’s the best thing for me
And maybe the best thing for you

I’ll let go in time
If you want me to
But I’ll never forget the season we shared
Or how much I loved you