In Between

 Pearl Jam - Release, a glass of white and a slowly sinking sun to end this day.  I am at peace in this moment...lost in thought and the words..."release me...release me" play on in the background.  I can certainly resonate with that concept just now.  There has been something I've been working through for over a year.  Its one of those things that grips you at the level of the soul and takes so much time to truly understand and then, just when you think you've got it nailed down, it shifts and changes and then you shift and change and then the original concept couldn't even know itself if it stood looking in the mirror. 

Mmmmmm, Beethoven, Moonlight Sonata just shuffled into play and the tones resonate so deeply I am momentarily lost, adrift in a beautiful sea of pure emotion.  The trees are all etched now in fiery gold signaling progress with the sunset.  Finally a sea breeze to chase away the humidity a bit.  A rare quiet moment alone is in store this evening.  These are such a treat for me.  They give me time unhindered by obligations to think and more importantly, to feel my way through life lessons.  It's one thing to consider a lesson but it is quite another to allow yourself the space to breathe through the emotion of it.  Emotion can be a challenging thing sometimes but I assure you, it's ultimately good no matter which end of the pendulum the emotions swing.  It's acting when emotional that can become a problem.

I wish I could speak more plainly but sometimes its more important to focus on a theme and protect others involved who are also learning.  Have you ever wanted something and not wanted it at the same time?  I think that is the space a lesson has lead me and I don't understand the dichotomy.  I will in time because I refuse to give up and I never give in.  There is purpose for everything and everything matters.  But this thing, I'm learning a lesson in closure I think and this one is as complex as a summer day is long. So, I seek the bits and pieces of it that I can and I try to wing may way through the rest but there is an aspect that holds me back.  I can't move on from it and yet I can't quite let it go.  I have wrestled with this for a very long time.  Part of the equation has resolved itself and yet my thoughts do not coincide.  This is an important lesson as it leads to another that shall soon become my full force of focus.  I can feel it as surely as I'm sitting here breathing.

Perfect, Temple of the Dog, Times of Trouble shuffles in.  I laugh at the random shuffling of my music tonight.  I like to let the music choose itself sometimes and just go with it to see where it leads me.  Music and emotion go hand in hand as does a beautiful fiery sunset in the summer.  Gosh it feels like heaven just now.  A beautiful display and the wine is cold, ever so slightly sweet.  I savor the taste and the chill as I consume it.  Lately it seems feeling everything has become such a focus.  Pulling the all of you in tune with all that is just isn't an easy thing.  But if I don't pull all of these lessons together, synthesize them properly, I will be doomed to repeat them.  While we have all the time in the universe to learn what we must, I hate retaking a class.  I never liked reruns or leftovers either - well, except for pizza.  It just goes great with coffee sometimes (I know, I know...ewh).

If life were not so amazing and beautiful, I'd be rendered to tears just now.  I am kind of teary eyed from the pure pristine beauty I see so often.  So many souls have entered my sphere in the last 18 months and each brought me a lesson of great worth...a lesson of unimaginable value and each revealed a facet of something bigger I have been working on for a very long time.  It's not the "meaning of life" kind of stuff.  I guess you could say it's more the meaning of my life.  Everything I thought I held as truth has disintegrated into something even more amazing and beautiful and yet, I find I struggle with the freedom of it.  I guess like a prisoner caged, you get so used to the cage that you cannot comprehend what it means to step outside of an open door.  You've forgotten what an open door was or how to use it. 

Wow, the music is really on point tonight - Pink Floyd, Coming Back to Life just shuffled in and hearing that guitar intro while the sun makes its final descent into the horizon - there could be no more perfect audio visual for me in this moment.  The energy rises for me at this time of night.  It's palpable almost what happens in the transition times - that pause between day and night...and then again...from night to daylight.  Perhaps it is that concept I struggle most with...my life is in that in between state from night into daylight and it's been a long pause to consider everything up to this point.  And the words...Staring straight into the shinning sun...yeah...I can see it setting and metaphorically rising into my view for this phase I find myself.  I may not get it all figured out but I can bravely face any day I've learned.  I've walked through fire and ice, mastered many of my own evil seeming demons time and time again...I stand here tested, a bit weary but more than ready to face the day that begins to dawn.  I think I'm going to see if I can find some pink clouds to shoot with my trusty friend Nikon and relax myself into a pleasant and quiet meditation for a time.

I hope that whatever plagues your mind with worry, that what ever lessons it is your mind is trying to understand, that you realize the sunrise always follows the darkness and it will shine on you once again.  Don't give up hope and never give in...give this life your best and it will give back to you in kind.  ~Blessings dear dreamers.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (words and photo only)  Video copyright is posted on youtube. :)