Friday, May 22, 2009

My Time

I’m not shallow,
Nor am I superficial.
I’m not super courageous,
Nor am I overly fearful.
I am alone,
But I am never lonely.
I have big dreams,
And realistic plans.
I have strong desires...
Tempered by time and patience
I am alive...
More so now than I’ve ever been.
I’m fighting the past things,
That have no place in my present reality.
I’m anxious sometimes,
But then again, I am peaceful.
I’m a warrior when things go wrong...
And I’m a saint when everything is alright.
I’m young but wise in my thoughts,
But I’m not too old to not enjoy them.
I drift at times in a sea of emotion...
And when my feet hit the ground, I find them running.
I now know truly I have a right to not only be here...
But to be here happy and hopeful.
I’m not afraid of love,
But I will not sacrifice who or what I am to have it.
I keep going even when things fall apart,
Because there is no use sitting in despair.
I don’t live for tomorrow...
And don’t waste time with yesterday.
Right now, I’m ready.
Right now, I’m willing...
To see the things I’ve never seen...
To feel the feelings I want to feel...
To live my life in my way, in my time.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Honor, Honesty and Healthy

How can I inspire you? How can I make you understand and truly know that you have every right to be here right now, and be here free from guilt, anger and pain? How do I make you understand that what you face is of your own choosing in many ways? The things beyond your control are teaching you important things you need to learn whether painful or joyful and if painful, there is no need to give up on life and see the world forever as a place void of love, full of people and events designed to tear your world apart. Life is as simple or as complicated as you make it. Everything you see and feel is based on your perspectives alone…you alone choose the shade of the lenses you put on and through which you view the whole of life and the world at large. Did you know that? It’s the truth.

We get so tripped up on our emotions. Mostly we are tripped up by assumptions we make about people, their feelings and thoughts about us and the actions and consequential reactions in life. We haven’t figured out how to really use the term “That just isn’t about me.” We either don’t use it enough or use it when we shouldn’t. There really is a fine line sometimes between self-knowledge, delusion and denial. But, through careful introspection, life-time pattern analysis and self-outcomes, you can judge precisely whether or not your every action is healthy or based on damaged psychology. If, that is, you are willing to. It takes a willing heart and mind to see things differently and to try things differently when things seem not to be going well. So, if you like to just complain, whine and seek sympathy from everyone else in the world, know this…you are manipulating people for energy. Be honest with yourself about that. So, if you don’t like feeling bad, don’t be a victim. Take accountability for what is your stuff and do something good, healthy and positive to change the things in your life that net you negative far-reaching consequences. It’s up to you. You’re in the driver’s seat of the car that is your life whether you want to pretend you aren’t or not.

So, where do you want to go today and what do you want to do? Are you happy or are you sad? Are you joyful or are you fearful? Are you at ease or are you worried? What do you want to do about any of your feelings? Sometimes when we have feelings we feel urged to do something, mostly get even with someone we want to blame for the bad things that happen in your life. But, the universe just isn’t that personal when it comes to you so stop for a moment and consider: 1. Are you in a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your needs and they’re making you miserable? If you say yes…that’s your choice…get out if you don’t like it and stop waiting around for the person to change or you change your expectations. 2. Are you in a dead end job with people you don’t get along with? If you say yes…that’s your choice…find a new job and don’t give up until you do…you don’t have to tolerate what doesn’t work for you but you do need to eat…so get resourceful, get a plan to build new skills, go to conferences take classes to build your skills, grab the paper, talk to friends and family and find yourself a new job. The only thing that will limit you there are lack of acquired skills and lack of ability to do something yourself to make changes. 3. Are you continually embroiled in family drama? If you say yes, that’s your choice. You can either continue to get sucked into the drama or you can get some counseling, get a book, learn some skills on how to set healthy boundaries, calmly distance yourself from the emotional turmoil of other people in a healthy and non-threatening way. Learn some new skills to help you but don’t sit there and be a victim.

Now, sometimes in life bad and unexpected things do happen, things we cannot foresee and we cannot change. The range of horribleness can be minor or off-the charts but what is important is what you choose to do in the moments after that dictate your fate for the rest of your life. Focus on getting the help you need to get away from the horrible and unhealthy things, get psychological help, do the support group thing, focus on helping others like you, learn to write about it and inspire others to avoid or deal with what you dealt with…transform the ugly into something beautiful but don’t beat yourself up and don’t be a victim in your mentality forever after. That is a choice. In many cases, its totally reasonable to feel victimized but don’t own that to the point it becomes who you are. None of us are the labels we and others apply to us. We are human beings with minds, emotions and I believe, souls. We are not the adjectives that other people throw at us. We are human first while we are here in this life. Our lives, whether good or bad, can be experienced as we choose to experience them. Negative, positive or neutral frames are a choice we make (even if it doesn’t seem like it).

I’ve lost loved ones, I’ve had my heart trampled on by people you’d think should hold a sacred place in my life, I’ve been neglected, grew up in the system on welfare, went to rough schools, battled addiction in myself and family members, and I was told time and time again I could never succeed. For short periods in my life, I allowed those things to define me and erode my self esteem until I saw what I was really losing by making such choices. I lived in a continual state of fear, mistrust, worry and no love. No one has to live that way. I stood up and fought my way out of that by getting armed with information, reading self-help books, getting help where I needed help and doing the number one thing that makes all the difference in the world…changing my thoughts and my beliefs about me, my abilities and the world. I left high school in the 11th grade, with a certificate. I was told I could never get ahead in Corporate America. I was doomed to be a secretary forever. WRONG! I didn’t take no for an answer…I asked and researched what it would take to be ready for more and more responsible roles and I did the work, made the connections and now I’m a director…and I have no degree. What I have is ambition, what I have is positive thinking and what I have is a willingness to learn and do what it takes to get where I want to go.

I refuse to be told no but at the same time, I know my limits, what I’m capable of and I set limits in line with that. I’m no millionaire so I don’t go trying to buy mansions. I’m not a physicist so I don’t go around explaining string theory. I stick with my abilities, my real abilities and I build from there. If I’m lacking, I go learn or I accept my limitation in a positive way and move on. I fall back from time to time like we all do but never for long and that’s why no matter what, I will succeed. Failure is not an option and I will never be a victim for longer than is necessary to get my thoughts thinking in the right direction again. I have a great job, great friends, a beautiful family and a lovely cat! I have books I’ve written, one’s I’ve read, shoulders I cry on and I give a shoulder to cry on. I’ve realized that at 42 years old, the world, even with its ugly underbelly, is truly a magical place…a place where I can exist and do my best to make the whole of my part of this world a better place. That’s what I want to do. I want to leave my mark on this world with positive energy for those who are interested and those who come after me. I hope that they will bring with them mountains of hope, endless amounts of strength and optimism.

Life isn’t easy sometimes and the pain that we feel in life, although a choice, is very real and you have to learn that feeling pain is okay. We’re so conditioned to shove pain away, ignore it, hide from it or run away from it. That just prolongs the agony of it. Accepting the fact that we are in pain instead of fighting is the first step in healing. Understanding the lesson learned is the next step. Reinforcing the learning is the next step and then not repeating the lesson is the final step. Allowing yourself to make mistakes is okay, just learn from the mistakes and don’t repeat them. If pain gets to intense and you’re struggling, number one…get appropriate help. Some other simple things that you can make sure you do every day to continue to promote positive self thoughts and self-talk is exercise in some manner for thirty minutes a day (provided your doctor clears you for such activity), get outside (weather providing). If the weather is bad, look for far away and beautiful places on the internet or read a great book. If you can safely get outside, notice nature…the green grass, the trees, the scent of flowers, watch the birds, bugs anything that is alive. You might also step outside at night and look up at a star-filled sky. That one always makes my worries seem small and insignificant in a very huge way. Just try different things to fill you up in a different way.

So, I hope this post has given you some ideas. There are many more…use your imagination just keep honor, honesty, and healthy in your mind as a goal. Honor yourself, be honest with yourself and take healthy actions physically and mentally. It’s amazing what they can do for your psyche. Be peaceful.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tough Change in Three's

So, I'm noticing that when big changes come in my life, they come in three's. Lately, it's an ending, a move and my 9 year old wanting to go live with her dad. That is an unexpected change. But, as much as change can hurt and pull on your heart strings, sometimes there is a really good reason for big changes that seemingly land on your doorstep. You can judge them as "bad" or be a victim if you want to but the best bet is to keep an open mind, reserve judgment and let the changes unfold.

For me, the ending was incredibly difficult. I still love the guy and a part of me always will but to me, it seemed like there was no option. Love, in a relationship, is never enough and you must take care of that love, take whatever steps necessary to maintain that deep emotional connection or you'll lose it. I felt like I was loosing him so I just let go...again, not what I wanted. With my move, yes, it's a pain but the new place is so much better for us, really a welcome change. With my daughter, well, I've had her for half of her life so it's only fair her dad should have her for the other half. It's not like she's going very far away and it's hard for her because she misses him. Her dad is a great guy and a good friend. Things will be different and her younger sister will miss her terribly but she'll be here with us every other weekend so it's not like we won't see her.

Letting go of expectations can be a difficult thing but sometimes its necessary to manage emotional pain and stress. We create our feelings by our own thoughts and the things we judge as good or bad. What if things aren't good or bad but they just are what they are? We cannot function in a state of mourning all the time and if you find aspects of your life in drastic change, there could be a reason. For the last 5 years I have suffered the major changes continually. I had to detach from outcomes or commit myself to an insane asylum from emotional grief. An asylum just didn't sound like a fun time to me and I refuse to be a victim in my thoughts for more than a few minutes or maximum, a day...then my logical thoughts kick in and I find a way to either fight back if that seems right or to let go and go with the flow. Honestly, the later is the best from an energy and emotional level if you ask me.

Life is is a series of opportunities to learn things you didn't know so I like to think of life's happenings as lessons designed to teach me things I hadn't yet learned. The 3 repeating lessons are a source of aggravation but I realized I finally got that particular lesson and it won't repeat. Some lessons are about finding your voice, speaking your piece, understanding how you created the lesson, forgiving yourself, loving yourself and then letting go, test passed.

I've been sidelined for a couple of days feeling overwhelmed but when I woke up this morning, I felt free, less heavy by far and more optimistic about the future. I hold now positive thoughts for positive outcomes for all involved in every lesson I have faced and it will be just as I hold the thoughts. Now it's up to me to double check my desires, ensure they come from a whole and healed place and then keep holding those desires so I can manifest them into my reality very soon.

I trust that all will be well. I trust my ability to see situations clearly and honestly. I trust in what I've worked for and what I believe in. I will have what I want and need because I believe I will and soon at that!

Trust yourself, establish solid hopes, dreams and desires and then relax while they come to fruition. Peace.

Friday, May 15, 2009


All that came before this moment flies behind me like the wake of a ship on the sea. An equal aspect flows out for the things that are yet to come. At this point, zero point, this moment there is nothing at all. There is no pain. There is no anger. There is no fear. There is no frustration. There is this feeling of completion and beginning juxtaposed. It is quite peaceful and if I breathe into this moment, I can feel the light returning to my core sense of being. Such moments of awareness are rare for me because I don't slow down long enough to NOT think and NOT do and NOT be fearful.

These patterns repeat, love, fear, pain. They are part of the same circle joined by other descriptions with various origins and degrees. I am in my body experiencing what this moment feels like but at the same time, I am outside of myself watching the moment unfold (and no I am not on psychedelic drugs...LOL). This space is completely neutral. It is balanced perfectly between love and pain so that each cancels each other out. For one mending a broken heart, this is a beautiful place to feels real and it feel alive and it feels authentic, no judgment...just pure existence.

When dealing with pain we can be in the throes of it and try to fight what it is that's trying to get us but that only makes it worse. When you give up the fight and let the pain settle over your soul and breathe it in, it will leave you much more quickly and when it does, the space the pain existed in will fill with peace, calm, serenity. Have you ever noticed? It's true, at least in my experience. It feels really amazing.

I think I shall take advantage of the moment and turn in for some well-deserved rest. Tomorrow will be a beautiful day, like yesterday, like today. Perspectives will come and go, change and descend but the peace is there whenever we need it. Just something I learned this week. Peace out!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Love And Fear

Love and fear, fear and love. How can I think I feel both when I know it is impossible to have them both at the same time...they are not exact opposites and don't entirely cancel each other out. Well, with one exception...if you think you love someone and then you're afraid, it's not love. It's some indefinable (by laypersons) machination of the ego wanting to be fulfilled and not getting its feed and then fearful of harm through rejection. I can't articulate the thoughts well tonight.

I thought I loved someone unconditionally once. It didn't matter what this person said or did until he hurt me. I know why he did what he did and it didn't really have much to do with me. So, if I can see where it comes from, there should be no hurt feelings...but then the fearful ego stepped in and said wait a minute, you might be the cause and that created doubt and what felt like unconditional love disappeared when the fear stemming from the ego kicked in. Gosh it will take some time to untangle what happened but this I do know and must go back and fear cannot share the same space in your heart. Where there is true love, there is no fear and where there is fear, there is no true love. So, can love replace fear in time? Yes, yes absolutely...but you have to stop with the external thoughts on love and turn them inward. Sounds weird but it works. You forget everything happening or being said in the outside world and you love yourself until the fear fades...then you can venture out again and see the world through the eyes of love instead of through the eyes of fear.

I hope to one day learn what it really means to love unconditionally...I don't have to receive it but I want to learn how to really give it. It's important to me that I learn the difference. I can love my children unconditionally but no one else. That's not good and its deeper into my studies I will go, and I will learn and this fear won't trouble me again once I learn it.

Forgive my rambling sorting thoughts this evening. My poetry is inspired by these two things and so I seek to understand them both a little better. Peace to all.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Choosing Wisely

I choose my battles…
Carefully, most often.
Energy is a precious thing
And I need it just to get by.
What to do when someone challenges you
For choosing battles
Calling you weak?
It hurts and I don’t like it.
But I refuse to change who I am.
I assert myself where I deem appropriate,
Not before or when others believe I should do so.
I hold kindness and compassion as strengths…
Not weakness.
I hold love above confrontation.
Confrontation doesn’t equal communication,
And I communicate just fine.
Why won’t people leave me alone,
Let me be instead of attack my peaceful ways?
I’m no coward…again, I choose my battles.
I don’t understand.
Is the world so cruel, really?
Maybe not the world…
Maybe some people were bullied so..
That they know no other way to communicate.
That is not my battle,
Nor will I spend energy defending myself.
Think what they will.
I’m happy with who I am…
With what I have accomplished.
I just wish I had a little more faith,
To trust 100% that they are wrong.
Thus, a battle of sorts I do choose…
Consideration, contemplation.
My history betrays a moment when I had no voice…
For my younger years I was not permitted to speak
And I learned it was not necessary…
Everything seemed an ego battle any way.
I’m no victim of anyone or anything…
Just a soul, trying to understand,
Considering whether I’ve chosen not to defend wisely.
I believe I have…
And should I lose a friend who thinks me weak,
I’m afraid I had no friend in that soul to begin with.
That’s the sad part.
But life is full of comings and goings, lessons and learning…
No matter how painful.
I resign myself to make no change,
And I decide knowingly,
Fully aware of my approach,
And the success and beautiful rewards I’ve been given.