Monday, May 30, 2016

Comfort with the Unknown

I do not wish to be known by the things that vex me most and so I write about the things I aspire to achieve, the states I aspire to reach and the frames of reference I most wish to hold in this world.  As I cut a path through lavender fields of Jacaranda blossoms on the way to work yesterday, I realized that I had not written in quite a while.  I’ve not gone out to take pictures, drawn, painted or taken an aware stroll in nature.  My life has not been about those things of late.  So, what have they been about some might wonder?  I would say, “Experience and the perceptions of my experiences in the absence of judgment.”  Following a period of just being with my thoughts, just being with my perceptions without any desire to change anything, well, it changed everything.

I cannot begin to pull you into the journey I have taken these last many months of existence in my frame.  It would be too difficult, too boring and at the same time, too unbelievable.  I may even be a bit premature in my venturing out of my voluntary silence and solitude of sorts.  But, none-the-less, I am here – we are all here just living, loving, learning, leaving and starting over and over again in the minutes we weave into the days, weeks and years of our lives.

Some observations of late and conclusions I have temporarily arrived at is that I can no longer write and tell you what is right, what is wrong, what is blue, yellow, red or purple.  I cannot tell you precisely what I have experienced because to do so I would have to commit to believing that any of it happened the way I perceived it.  Truth be told, I’m not really sure what the truth is any more about anything.  In some ways, I suppose, a tiny break in my former reality is where I’ve been while continuing to exist, work and function within it.  That is quite a strange experience, I must say but an incredibly valuable one.  I have lost myself in sensation, the richness, the aliveness, the beingness for no other reason than I could.  I have not changed and yet, I cannot say that I have not completely gone and left everything that was me behind me, or, well, maybe I have recovered a more authentic version?  What I find today is there are many things I once feared, that I fear no longer.  There are things I never thought of before that I now think of and realize that no matter how bright I am, I can never reach the nth of the nuances my mind craves to reach.  I  just can’t “brain-that” or try to any more.  A part of my once very blind optimism has disintegrated not into reality but rather into an extreme sense of presence that I can claim neither as realism nor optimism any longer.  I like idealism but that isn’t reality either.  I rather prefer a new space or frame and that is one of neutrality, joyful, benign and calming neutrality.

I tire of those who require me to choose a side, choose Democrat or Republican, choose dark or light, choose in or out; define yourself by labels?  No.  I no longer wish to.  Whether I do or not I’ll be judged by the perception of others and even that judgment has no bearing on my perception of reality.  It may color my experience lonely or full but what is that any way?  Why is it important?  Do we not already place an over abundance of importance on things that don’t really add to the totality of the whole of existence with any true significance?  I do not wish to settle for the superficiality of existence any more and I also do not wish to let this psychological core of my existence drive me into behaviors or actions I’ll just have to later suffer until I gain the lessons great from which I may learn and prosper or succeed in life in some way. What if there is no “succeeding” and what if we are already quite prosperous in our ability to take breath, exist, dream, sleep, wake, enjoy a morsel or beverage or the rays of the sun dancing on the rooftops followed by starlight chasing away the chill of the night?

As I said, it is possible I am a bit premature in my venturing back into the world of writing and blogging.  More time yet may be needed to just sink into the newness of sensation, satisfactory existence, beautiful and blissful neutrality, balance and equanimity.  I don’t know.  I may publish this even if it is difficult to follow because it is real and it is me right now.  I’m happy and sad, I’m elated and mad.  I love this life immensely and I shall no longer fear it.  I want to really live it.  The time I have spent sorting through my thoughts and tapping them out like mad on these keys may or may not be coming to somewhat of a close.  Perhaps it is just a momentary transformation.  We are continually transforming in every breath and step that we take into a newness of being we know not the true origins of and that is just simply okay.  It doesn’t matter.  Past lives, do not matter.  Future lives do not matter.  Who you’ve been matters not, who you’ve planned to become matters not.  What really matters is this one moment that you are in – how do you feel – what do you feel?  Can you find any form of gratitude in that?  If you can – good for you.  Step one and done.  Life is amazing, let us never forget this.   The boring drudgery of the day in and day out can dull your senses to the point of sheer madness and senselessness.  It’s okay. Just let it be. Breathe in and out and feel the unique essence of your body, your energy, your presence right here and now.  Maybe, there is nothing else and maybe that is perfect.  The search truly is over.  The new frontier is where we’ve always been and will ever long be.  Not knowing is the cause and acceptance is the key.  Blessings for your perfect journey.

© 2016 Jaie Hart (photo and words)