Thursday, December 31, 2009

Unchain Your Reality - Happy New Year

There’s a blue moon out tonight and the breeze is chilly coming in off the coast.  The street noise is light with lots of silent spaces in between rushing motors with participants headed to a night of celebration.  The sounds of the natural night seem unaware that the month is ending, the year is over and that humans are rethinking plans and goals for the New Year.  The owls are still flying in search of prey, the hawks circling in search of a meal and critters large and small carry on as if nothing is different about the day.  We’re actually the unaware ones thinking this day holds any more significance than the day before or the day to come.  We don’t need a new year to remake ourselves.  That power is ours in every moment of every day but we’re just not aware enough to realize what it would take to do that.  Well, and some of us have no interest in things deep or contemplative and that is our choice in a world were free will exists. 

I had a rather mind expanding conversation with a new friend yesterday.  In that conversation I realized how limited my thinking was.  Many realizations dawned on me all at once.  I was already on that path of changing thought and loosening the chains of limits I had set in my own mind. But I discovered that I was still so very limited in what I allowed myself to contemplate concerning my life.  With the doors blown open wide I realized that my thoughts carry weight in this world.  Everyone’s thoughts create gravity in this world and once thought, those thoughts become real and take on a life of their own like a child being born and growing and maturing moving out on its own in the world.  It’s stunning to think about.  Until you’ve seen that concept in action or taken the time to notice, it’s hard to grasp.  But really our reality is manifested by what we think and how we perceive our reality.  Whatever limits we place on ourselves will manifest in our reality.  Our perceptions and perspectives mean so much more than we even bother to think about in our work-a-day world where we give our time in exchange for things we’ll just throw away.  We don’t give much thought to the state of our thoughts.  We get lost in the superficial that the advertisers salivate to get us to think about.  They aren’t evil, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just that if we keep ourselves so distracted in search of the next thing that we think will make us happy, we’re condemning ourselves to a life of misery…a life of never having enough because no matter what we find in the outside world, it can never truly fill us up the way we seek to be filled.  We will condemn ourselves to a place where our personal power is always laid in the hands of some unknown thing, event, person or even worse.

I could go so many directions right here and now but this is a blog and not a novel—so, I’ll pull myself back in for a minute here.  We are so very, very powerful here and now, we just don’t know it.  Our power lies in knowing how related we are, how we all buy into a collective often referred to as the Earth school, how we all believe in the rules set before us we never even questioned and how we miss so much by not challenging what we think we are seeing.  We don’t challenge our feelings, we don’t challenge our assumptions or even realize when we’re making them.  We think work is hard and must be worked at day in and day out…we buy into that game but we don’t have to.  We can change our thoughts, our minds, our perspectives and our dreams.  We can focus more on the “heart” and soul instead of the mind and “things.”  We can push ourselves to ask ourselves what is really important and for our higher good and we should.  But I wonder if we did, would we even listen or trust what we get back in return for such efforts.  Listening to the silence and the stillness is a very hard thing.  We must cut ourselves off from the things we think we know and go within and get to know us and who we really are.  We are not the things or people we accumulate and attract to us.  Those are just rampant thoughts manifesting as our reality.  If we’re happy with our reality, that’s great—keep going and good for you.  But if we’re not happy, we’re not fulfilled, it’s time to do something differently—anything differently.

It’s hard to shift your perspective.  Someone showed me something simple about perspectives in an amazing way once.  I can’t remember the teacher’s name but she came back from a near death experience and she taught people about the things that she learned.  She was an amazing woman and taught me some interesting things.  But, this one thing was a simple shift in perspective.  She asked us if we had ever seen an aura.  We all said “No.”  She then asked if we wanted to see one and we all said “Yes.”  So, she asked a student to come up to the front of class to stand against the wall and she asked us all to look at the student.  She asked what we saw…we all said, “The student.”  She said, “Now look again.  Focus your attention about 6 to 12 inches above her head…don’t look directly at her but above her and tell me what you see.”  The oohs and aaahhhs were amazing.  About 6 inches above this student’s head was a clear sparkling liquid-like shadow that was not a latent retinal image.  We saw this girl’s aura.  So, that amazing shift in perspective wasn’t enough. The teacher wanted to make sure to reinforce the lesson.  So, she stood in front of the class and asked us all to look at her aura.  When we all confirmed we saw it she said, “Wait, now watch this.”  She took a few yoga breaths and pushed her aura all the way to the ceiling and then brought it back down!  Every person in the class room saw it.  I was stunned.  I’d never seen an aura before.  But, after that shift in perspective, I saw them everywhere.  I saw the aura trees give off, flowers, kids, adults and even animals.  I don’t see colors physically but I can see auras.  It took someone to point out how to shift my perspective and then I could see.  So, it’s like that with our reality.  If we perceive pain and negativity and accept and expect that, that is all we will see and experience until someone shows us how to see things differently.  And, we can see things differently if we are willing.

So, as I sit here in the moonlight my world comes undone a little bit but in a very good way.  The limits I placed on myself are now falling away.  The pain I’ve carried for so long can now be put down—it was just a perspective I was taught to hold and now I know I no longer have to hold that perspective.  I don’t have to limit myself with my thinking because I am free—free to think whatever I want however I want and I am at least a little bit aware enough to realize anything I see or perceive is only my reality and not anyone else’s so judgment must be reserved and compassion must ensue.  Understanding that we’re different but related and that we share a reality based on a common understanding and agreement is key to changing our perspective.  You have to know where to look and where to shift your perspective in order to see things differently.  I now know how important it is not to align myself with any belief too strongly because my beliefs are based on provisional truth, with one exception.  That exception is that I can experience love and I know that when I view the world through the eyes of love, I can think positive, I can understand almost anything and I can hold compassion for my fellow man.  Those things are important to me and the more I hold those things, the more I’m grateful.  I find that the more I am grateful, the more my goals and dreams come into focus.  The more those goals and dreams are in focus, the more they begin to come true.  I’ll write more specifics in a future blog.  What I intended to impart to you tonight, on New Year’s Eve as I sit under a blue moon, is that limiting your thoughts and perspectives limits your ability to be truly happy, truly peaceful and truly loving.  When you are limited, your energy cannot flow easily and you look outside yourself for love and happiness.  That’s chasing an illusive dragon in my experience but again, that is only my perspective.  I’ve walked through emotional fire and torrential rain and come out completely unscathed.  Not because I’m a miracle or I’m anything special…I made it through what I made it through just because I believed that I could.  I believed I could learn and grow from horrible experiences and it happened.  So, think about it…where are you limiting yourself..where are you holding on to pain and stress?  Those are the clues or the hints to achieving the next level in this game we call life.
I wish you all a very, very happy and prosperous New Year.  Believe it will be what you dreamed, open yourself to receiving your dreams and feel good with every step you take.  Blessings!

Rules for Successful New Year's Resolutions

On Money: Do NOT focus on eradicating debt or being debt fee in 2010. With such thoughts the only vibration you’ll be sending out to the universe is send me “debt.” What do you think the universe will deliver? You guessed it, DEBT. Instead, be grateful for all the material things that you have, see your bank account expanding, SEE checks coming in the mail, SEE spending money in a state of joy and happiness. If you want a New Year’s resolution related to money, see a healthy, abundant and happy relationship with money as if you are in state of already having it.

On Love: Do NOT focus on being lonely and wanting a cure for loneliness. Do NOT focus on Love to cure you, rescue you or make you whole. Do NOT focus on asking the universe to bring you what you do not have. That feeling of loneliness, jealousy or lacking love will be the energy vibration you send out to the universe and what do you think the universe will deliver? You guessed it, more loneliness and feelings of lack. Instead, be grateful for the love you have within, the love of family and friends and for being a loving individual. When you truly love yourself and see yourself loved and fulfilled and feeling good about that, you are more in a state of already having it and you will actually draw that to you.

On Health: Do NOT focus on the pain and disease states that you are in. Such a focus will only reinforce your pain and diseased state. Instead, see yourself whole, healed and at ease rather than diseased. Keep your intent focused, feel it even if only in your mind and you will naturally draw to you more positive and healing energy.

On Work: If you are unemployed do not focus your intent or resolutions on what you do not have. Again, be grateful that employment and employment rewards come easy and frequently and hold those thoughts of satisfaction as if it is already happening. You will then send out more positive vibrations to bring you what you want.

On the Past: Don’t orient new resolutions and goals from a base of past pain. If you do, you will draw that very thing to you. For example, if you were married to an alcoholic and you vow never to date an alcoholic again—that focus on “alcoholic” will draw another one to you. Stop telling your past stories of love woes and pains—let them go and focus on gratitude for the wonderful things you have and are attracting to you and you can shift the vibration. Create new stories about what you’re going to do and do the thinking and feeling behind those thoughts only in the positive. You will then receive positive in return.

Focus in the positive on who and what you want to be, who and what you are. Know you can be and do anything you decide to as long as you believe in you.

My New Year’s resolution is to resolve to make no resolutions but rather to focus even more visually, and with more passion on my goals and dreams. The more you can do that in your own lives, the more you can draw those goals and dreams ever closer. Be open and ready to receive your dreams and never, ever give up hope no matter what may or may not happen.

Keep the Law of Attraction in mind—it’s real, your thoughts are that powerful so keep that in mind. This post most definitely and positively inspired by The Secret!!!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Telling Stories

We’ve all done it…had something really horrible happen to us, it caused us great pain and we unwittingly sought validation from friends or loved ones because of the horrors or frustrations we’ve just been through.  We not only sought validation but we also sought sympathy.  Energetically speaking, someone took our energy away and we sought to fill that back up by gaining energy from someone else.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing as we do it quite innocently—we don’t know any better.  What we also don’t know and understand is that there are unintended consequences of these actions.  When we take on any kind of victim stance in life, we send out a vibration.  The more we tell our tales of woe, the more we unconsciously ask the Universe to reinforce that vibration and then the Universe in it’s infinite wisdom responds with more of the same. 

If you don’t like how that feels, realize your story is a past life lesson that you learned from—forgive, forget and let it go.  Think healing thoughts of your energy being restored naturally by being kind to yourself, realizing people can only take from us the energy we permit them to and that you are not any form of the representation of your painful stories.  Truly, you are not.  You are a bright, shining and sparkling soul.  You are in command of who you give energy too.  The things that you resist will persist in this area…so if you resist your hand in any part of your tale of woe (and we always have a part, big or small) the negative energy or tale will persist within you maintaining that vibration.  The way out is forgiveness…forgive yourself, forgive the person that may have hurt you and choose to let it go.  It’s only through these actions that you can change your vibration in a healthy way.  Think of surrounding yourself with kind and loving people or companions who will support your position in life and not attempt to take you down and you will change your vibration and attract those kinds of people to you.

If you want to think about it another way, we all have emotional baggage—the pain that we have suffered or delivered for one reason or another.  The more we own and identify with that baggage and carry it with us, the more our vibration and energy attracts more of the same level of negativity.  If you have noticed certain negative patterns and themes in your life (and they are there if you’ll be brave and courageous enough to look for them), chances are you are carrying emotional baggage.  The simple answer is as I stated above—forgive the other side/forgive yourself, forget what they did/you did and let it go. 

If you are asked questions about your past and you are sharing, restate the lessons learned in the positive.  Don’t tell the tale of woe but explain it as the life lesson it was, what you learned from the situation in the positive and try, if you can, to see the positive outcome of whatever it was that happened.  When you tell your tale in a positive light, you do not bring back the negative vibration of the time.  You keep yourself, your thoughts and your story “positive.”  When you can tell a positive story, you keep a higher vibration about you.  When you can tell your story with compassion for yourself as a loving soul, and the other parties involved in your story with compassion as loving souls, you maintain a higher vibration.

I’ve had some not very nice things happen in my life.  In fact, some would call them core-level emotionally disrupting things.  I would have agreed a year or two ago, but today I see my hand in my own undoing, my involvement, where I unwittingly gave my power away but more than all of that, I see the experiential value and life lesson learned.  I take that as an extreme positive and I hold compassion and forgiveness for myself and all parties involved in my various stories.  Because I allowed myself to forgive myself and forgive the other parties, I’ve allowed myself to forget the pain, the self-righteous indignation and betrayal feelings and I’ve let go of the experience in the same way I finished the 10th grade in high school, I’m now healed and whole.  My vibration won’t draw those kinds of lessons to me again.

Remember, you are not your story.  Your story is a limited perspective—yours, consider other possibilities, consider your actions, consider the fear, the worry and pain of other parties who may have hurt you.  People do only what they know how to do in any given moment and beautifully enough, we learn and grow and hopefully do things differently.  So, I challenge you today to think about the stories you not only tell others but the ones you tell yourself.  Are they positive?  If not, rewrite them in the positive!  You’ll change your vibration and really learn to live.  Life is a lot more joyful without carrying emotional baggage.
I hope you have a beautiful day.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Illusion of Control

In Southern California, the weather has turned cold. I took a short drive last night and wood smoke permeated the crisp night air. So, I’m sure folks around the U.S. would say 40 degrees is cold?—that’s shorts and tank top weather where I live! Well, be that as it may, when you’re not used to the cold (just two weeks ago it was 85) drastic temperature drops take time to get used to. A lot of things in life take time to get used to. Changing jobs, friends, residence and other things can really feel uncomfortable. But as uncomfortable as change can seem and as painful as it might feel as you’re in the thick of it, know this…without change there can be no growth and nothing new for you to think about, do or participate in. We humans are so funny. We like our $4 coffee, we like our homes to feel like summer in the winter, we adorn ourselves with designer items we cannot afford to fit in with everyone else buying designer items they cannot afford to fit in. We like our lives just exactly the way they are often, including the people in our sphere of existence. We don’t want to change our commute, our routines and the company we keep. We go to great lengths to manipulate and control. Yes, I know…those are strong words but those two tactics are employed by people who do not like change and have been hurt by it. It’s okay, I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. What I’m saying is manipulating and controlling things and people to keep your sense of being okay is just, well, exhausting. The really crazy part is we put so much energy into such endeavors and get very little pay off.

Don’t believe me? Have you ever tried to get the guy going 30 in front of you in a 45 zone to move faster? Your blood pressure starts to go up and then you notice everyone else has boxed you in too. More stress comes to the fore and then what…well, if you keep pushing and keep going trying to manipulate and control your environment in that moment what do you think will happen? Heart attack? Road Rage? Nothing? You could be right on all accounts but one thing is for sure, you’ll expend a whole lot of precious energy and time in negativity with little to no pay out. If there is any pay out at all, it would be only an illusive egotistical boost for a moment that is certainly fleeting and then will create a desire for more ego feeding to feel good. It can be a vicious cycle that goes on in the background mostly unnoticed like the hum of the fan inside your computer.

So, why does any of this matter? Where ya going with this Jaie? Well, here’s my thought. I wrote about this the other day…stress, to me, equates to being in a moment and doing things I really do not want to do…I have a deep desire when I’m stressed to manipulate and control my environment to make me feel less stressed. So, what’s wrong with that?, you might think. Well, we cannot control our environment indefinitely. We can make small strides by intimidating others to cooperate with our desire but that will only ever be short lived because once those folks are outside and away from our intimidation, they’ll snap right back to being who and what they are and maybe wreak more havoc with our serenity again and we’ll expend even more energy to try to re-fix it again! Then we go home to our family or friends grumpy and snappy and not sure why we don’t feel so hot and then hey, maybe the universe in that moment—since you’ve sort of got a negative energy thing going anyway, will decide to leave that little IRS notice in your mail box, a bill you forgot to pay on time or one you did pay on time and got a late charge anyway!

So, like attracts like. Unless you want to get into an argument about magnets…but, if you’re thinking negative thoughts, victim thoughts, etc., the universe delivers more until you cry UNCLE! But it sometimes won’t stop there. Sometimes while the negative things are going on, you’ve got to proactively think positive and trust that things will soon go your way. You have to decide at some point that if your own need for manipulation and control and going about it by struggling with the external things and people in your environment you mistakenly think you have control over is really what is making you crazy and stressed out, it's time to change. What if you knew that alleviating stress was a simple as changing your perspective about what you’re doing or facing? Do you know that takes by far less energy and is much less draining to pull your focus and attention inward to your own thoughts and actions and change them instead? So, you have to pay rent and your job makes you feel bad a lot! You can’t quit but you really hate it. How do you think your days, weeks and months are going to go at that job? Probably not really well. And you might have some measure of success with threats, intimidation, goofing off, blowing people off etc. but that all backfires on you when you least expect it. If you change your attitude and thoughts and accept where you are and what you’re doing, you’re no longer swimming upstream—you’re no longer engaged in something you hate to do and taking that out on people—you’re controlling the one thing and only thing you truly have the power to control—YOU.
Food for thought! Have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Serenity Base

So, serenity was in fact a fleeting illusion for a couple of days but I really did enjoy it.  The stress of the day had my blood pressure up as I stared out the window wishing, plotting and planning an escape…yeah, just get in the truck and drive as far as the ATM card will take me!  Nah, just playin.  There is no escape from the things that are inside of you and I noticed the very thing I noticed the day before—resistance.  I was in an uncomfortable place and I was resisting where I was at.  Why? Well, that’s easy, deadlines and more work than one soul can do in an 8 hour day and in the absence of lots of over-time, no way to catch up any time soon.  What that further means is that I will get no sense of accomplishment for awhile…treading water in a sea of paper and emails.  But, I chose this path and there are just days like these so what then?  Well, time to get back to that feeling I had with the rain pouring down—acceptance.  Ever heard of the Serenity Prayer?  In summary – Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference.

I love that line.  It’s on my refrigerator in the form of a magnet that sits right underneath a mirrored one that says, “dream.”  Things I like to remind myself of every morning when I go to grab some delicious creamer to pour with a heavy hand into my first cup of coffee.  I stand there for a few minutes every day and read both magnets and realize why I bought them…to put more positive thoughts into a very busy life that can tend to feel a little oppressing with responsibility at times.  But, there are the weekends and those days are filled with creativity—picture taking, writing volumes of poetry and working on my new book, “Star Gazers.”  Someday I will write full time and focus more attention on giving more to the world but for right now, I’m focused on my job and doing it well.  That means something to me.  It doesn’t matter what I do as long as I give it my all and find some way to gain a sense of accomplishment.  Some days that sense of accomplishment can only be tied to successfully treading water for a day.  I have a snorkel in my office to remind me that even if my head goes under, I’ll still be able to breathe!  LOL

Oh well, what would life mean without all of the challenges we face?  I don’t think perfect serenity day in and day out would be appreciated as much without days of turmoil and chaos to contend with.  Like we appreciate light more when we also notice the dark that defines it.  We’re like that, we notice our bad points or our good points more on some days but the thing is, our light and dark sides give us perspective, character and lots of fodder for really big thoughts on life if you’d like to let your mind go there.  Some days I focus on the good, others on the bad and when I focus on the bad I shift my perspective to one of understanding.  When we understand instead of resist what we have before us and we cannot change those things we’re trying to resist…understanding and accepting is the only place to go to keep from driving yourself mad.

So, well, rambling thoughts tonight.  I’m grateful I can still string a semi-coherent sentence together so there is THAT for accomplishment.  I’m tired now…one more day this week and that’s it…3 days off…Nice.  I hope you all have a wonderful evening.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Peaceful Feeling

My work day started at 6:30 a.m. and I finished up around 6:00 tonight. The last several days were so stressful but something happened yesterday. I’m not sure what it was but I could feel the stress rising, blood pumping, pressure building and it was pouring down rain. I got up from my desk and stared out the window. I could feel the chill from outside as I moved closer to the glass and I saw my breath fog the window. I stood there transfixed for the longest time and my consciousness shifted and suddenly the stress drained away. It’s just a job, it’s just work, the deadlines will be met or not and the day will go on and I’ll still be breathing. I relaxed into my day and even today knowing I had at least 12 hours of work to do, I was still peaceful. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but I liked that feeling. I was at peace when chaos swirled. For the first time in a while I didn’t get caught up in it. I’m grateful for the shift and the peace—the rain, the cold and all of the work I need to do. I’m grateful my house is a mess right now because I love the little people who made the mess.
When I drove home tonight, it was cold out and suddenly I smelled it—wood smoke. Nothing sends me over the edge quicker than the smell of woodsmoke…except maybe the smell of cut grass on a warm spring day. It’s the memories these scents induce in the span of a heart beat. Good memories of times past and they harbor hopeful feelings in the present somehow. I think I finally found serenity…the real thing and not some fleeting illusion of it. I think I found it or it found me when I stopped resisting what was before me, accepted and just did what I needed to do to respond to life. I’ve been fighting my life for so long and that act has just left me feeling drained and overwhelmed. So, I’m not fighting any more, I don’t like to fight. I like peace and serenity. In this space—my center, I am calm and peaceful, the house could burn down and I will not be moved. I will stay in the space for as long as I can hold it. I used to be this way but the last few years were just harder than hard—big life lessons, big painful lessons one right on the heels of another but now that’s done, now I’m strong again and I’m ready to face life on my terms. I say my terms but you have to understand what that means. I am not demanding that life give me what my ego wants. Instead, I’m seeing what I’ve created for myself and accepting the results of my toils and labors. I couldn’t know what I didn’t know all those times before now when I made decisions that weren’t the best. Hind-sight is always 20/20. So, I think somewhere I stopped beating myself up, stopped trying to be perfect and I stopped engaging in the drama.

Again, I don’t know how it happened exactly but it happened and this feeling is amazing. It feels warm, safe—like I’m so protected. The world is harsh and some people harsher but here I am anyway in this wonderful space of comfort I’ve created from within my own mind, from within my soul it seems. Maybe I’ve finally healed all the way and I’m ready to journey again, accept those things I was refusing to learn and now I can move on to more lessons in time. The lessons never end, that I also accept. I need to keep it short for tonight. I want to just sit here in the calm and peacefulness and enjoy how it feels so I never forget. I’ve not known this much peace in a very long time and I intend to treasure this very moment right now. May your Higher Power bring you peace and serenity tonight and every night. Blessings!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Wake Up Time

Not sleeping is a hazard of hormones and being forty-something.  It’s tiring when it occurs for days on end.  The world doesn’t stop so you can rest when you’ve not slept.  The obligations continue, the demands are still there and you have to keep going even when you want to run away, far away to a very big and soft comfortable bed and drift off to a wonderful dreamscape for a few more hours.  No such luck for a single mother.  I think that is a bit challenging at this point in my life.  I don’t have the help I need as there is always something more important it seems for people to do than to help.  It’s frustrating but it is what it is.  What I need most is freedom and it’s always out of reach.   There is no escape and holding on to feelings and desires for freedom would only be me torturing me.  It cannot be had in this frame nor do I really want total freedom—just a break…but no, that’s not going to happen either.  So, acceptance is the only note that can be played at this time.  There is a literal complex orchestra playing right now and I can see it and feel it.  All of the things in motion in my life right now, none of which I have any control over.  Oh goodness does that breed fear.  But, fear is not the answer or solution to this equation so, fearful thoughts must be packaged and tossed out with the garbage it really is.
I don’t know specifically what the future holds.  I know what I have prepared for and what it is I call to me every day in my thoughts and I’m reminded today to be vigilant with my thoughts.  The fear really has to go.  The uncertainty right behind it.  The doubt…it too must go because these things will become very big barriers to my plans if I let them and I do have a choice here.  I cannot control anything in God’s universe but I can control me and I can control my thoughts.  So, control I will.  I think its just lack of sleep that rattles my normal discipline of my thoughts.  Lack of rest and repose weakens me in ways I cannot handle without concentrated effort.  There is a root to this challenge that is more than hormonal and that plan is a little way off but it is there—the light at the end of a dismal seeming tunnel.  Oh, it’s not all bad and drudgery, it’s just sometimes you have to give up something in order to gain.  It’s like doing homework to get an “A” or putting money in the bank for a rainy day.  Sometimes you have to put in a painful time, a frustrating time, battle with fervor tumultuous churning thoughts and then, then eventually a break in the clouds and sunlight comes streaming down in big misty rays to warm your heart and fill your soul.  So, that’s coming.  It’s coming, I know…I trust…I believe.  And, so I go—into the day doing what I do not want to do in this moment.  I want to go back to bed but today my life is only partially mine.  Because of yesterday’s decisions, my life is partly under the control of the material possessions I own.  You can’t know what you don’t know and I didn’t know a lot and made decisions in line with that and now I have to pay the piper, literally, figuratively and at the same time, I will make proactive changes so yesterday’s decisions will haunt me no more at some future time.  Hopefully, proactive steps and willingness will put out the right vibration to draw to me what it is I really need right now.  I must just trust and believe, nothing more and that means the negative, fearful and doubtful thoughts must go now.  I set them free to roam somewhere else very far away from me. 
What a stream of rambling thoughts.  I probably shouldn’t write when I’m this tired.  3:30 am 4 days in a row will do it to you, apparently.  So, off with me then.  The sooner I start today’s journey, the sooner my truest desire for the moment and beloved destination will be mine as I curl up in my bed, with a good book and drift off to dream.  Maybe tomorrow I won’t see 3:33 am.  That seems to be the magic number this week…a spiritual reminder that I’m out of balance and must strive to restore it.  I love signs and I also love life even when viewed through very tired eyes.  I wish you all much success on your journey through life today.  I hope it brings you a measure of peace in some way, that you learn something new today and that you discover a little more love you hold inside for the beautiful souls that you are.  Good day!!!!

(Photograph Copyright 2009 Jaie Hart)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Silvery Moon Light

I stood outside for the longest time in the moon light tonight.  The full moon was so bright and I could almost feel this gentle pulsing magical feeling as the rays of moon light touched my skin.  A quick glance to my right and my gorgeous tree is etched in silvery moon light...every blade of grass the same thing.  I was transfixed, mesmerized for a time it seems but the weight of the world always brings me back.  It's a busy time and the Universe wholeheartedly is supporting my self-imposed social solitary confinement.  It's no longer a voluntary choice but one the Universe has seen fit to impose upon me for a number of reasons.  So, rather than fight it, I'm going with it...accepting it as a temporary need that must be fulfilled.  Really, it's more like forcing me to hold to a commitment I made to myself...6 months of no dating!  LOL

So, wow, focus.  I'm focused on setting goals and manifesting my dreams in more of a spiritual manner.  So far, so good.  I've done my part and now must maintain focus, intent and positive thinking and belief that all will manifest as I have outlined.   Some things have happened.  I never thought I'd be a published author and yet I now have 4 books published on my website and available at and  I've  begun to focus on some of my photography for print/sale and even a different type of book (Star Gazers - Coming Soon).  This creative desire is channeled in part by pain but through my creative endeavors, I'm not running from the pain or hiding from creative works...writing and photography force me to deal with it.  I write about what I've gone through...I'll take a mood or a lesson and capture it with the lense of my camera.  It's interesting the inspiration that pain brings.  I'm very inspired just now and will stay that way as long as I maintain focus and hope.

Oh, such heavy thoughts for now.  I think I'll step back outside and say goodnight to the moon once more.  For some reason, this full moon feels magical...more so than any I've seen in a long time.  Maybe it's that I'm so grounded now, focused not on when I' might find the next relationship (destination) but focused on what I want out of life and how I get there each day (journey).  I'm present in this moment whether I use it to define pleasure or pain.  I strive for neutrality, equanimity, balance and serenity.  Happiness will come and go.  Sadness will come and go but if I maintain presence in the present, life feels like magic an a very ethereal way.

Blessings, healing and much love to you all.

(Photo above copyright, Jaie Hart 2009)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Life - The Journey Continues

I've been very busy working on my latest two books, Spiritual Reflections - Poetry from the Soul and Life - The Journey Continues over the last month. Busy, busy, busy time. So, now I actually get a weekend for the first time in a long time and boy am I going to relax. I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving and that you're having a relaxing day.

You can check out my latest work (this one is over 300 pages of journals, articles and more).

Blessings! is where you can find all of my books. :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Shore Side Again

I'm sitting shore side again, thinking really big thoughts again while trying not to go in too deep. I've had a lot to ponder of thoughts, new experiences, spectacular views and lots of new people showing up in my life. Honestly, I welcome the distraction. Each person that crosses my path pulls me out of the painful thoughts and feelings in my heart and mind. Sometimes there can be such a thing as too much self-awareness and introspection. But, I just don't want to think about that any more right now. At the moment, my heart and thoughts are drawn to the sea...the waves are crashing in larger than life, peaceful and forceful turquoise blue...the cool salty air, the cry of the gulls...Oh God what this view does to my soul! Good medicine; very good medicine.

I've spent many moments shore side this weekend. I've been so busy processing tough and very deep emotions--wondering what I've done wrong and what I've done right... wishing, hoping, tears falling. But, yet, inside my core I'm smiling. I'm so happy to be here at this point in time. I'm waiting for a new direction and I feel it coming...the initial thoughts and energy of that just beginning to permeate my soul. I'm crystal clear with absolute acuity on where I've been. But, like the mists on the water this day...preventing the view, I realize I'm not sure where it is that I'm going just yet. I don't know how I'll get there. I don't know who I'm meeting but I know it is many someone's significant. It's learning time just now. That concept is so hard to articulate sometimes but maybe I've had enough thought for now. I know I feel enough right now and for now, it is simply enough to put one foot in front of the other as this beautiful journey continues.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

An Evening Post

I’m sitting here alone in the dark and cool of a late autumn evening. Music playing low but loud enough still to move my soul. I’m so contemplative this evening. I’m reaching so far outside of myself just now. I’ve been inside far too long, searching for answers and finding more questions. It’s okay, that’s just life and I love it, don’t misunderstand me. But these are hard core-level questions and the answers just aren’t easy to discern and I think I’ve come to the conclusion that some questions are not meant to be answered. Maybe it’s that some questions shouldn’t be asked and instead one should just move forward in a moment even if a direction is unclear or there is fog or sun, I don’t know. I hate the cross-roads. I always have. I don’t like the forceful pause that spins me into myself to recall lessons hard won but it’s a necessary part of learning and I must accept this if I desire to grow and I do, I really do. It’s time for a new journey and I don’t hesitate out of fear. My hesitation is lacking clarity for the direction that’s best. My mind is already made up so I’m not sure about my doubts. This is cryptic as hell and its meant to be. I can’t stand here completely exposed to the world and well maybe that’s it…standing up to exposure once again. The thought doesn’t really scare me it’s just I’ve been here before but this time I have no expectation and I don’t have any fear. I have curiosity. I have determination. I have intent and that intent is manifesting just so much quicker than I anticipated and I guess, well the speed with which a certain thought has manifested in my reality is a little frightening.

But everything happens for a reason and with such interesting twists and turns I find I just cannot bring myself to turn back. I have to forge ahead and see and learn and do and, well, love every stick and stone that crosses my path…sunlight, rain, fog, wind, cold and warmth. I don’t know where I’m going even though the path is clear, I think that’s it. It’s intriguing as hell so, off with me then. One foot in front of the other I go.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


I find myself caught in an interesting place with my thoughts. I’d normally just dismiss these kinds of thoughts but things never happen without a reason and in every moment there is an opportunity for growth. It’s up to us to choose what that growth will be and sometimes that requires a little contemplation. I’ve been around the block a time or two and as much as I strive to keep my focus in the present, periodically ghosts from the past do cross my path in interesting ways. My first thought about that is that things that are dead should be left alone. The ghosts sometimes need momentary acknowledgment, validation and then considering your own emotions, you may need to send them away with love.

The ghosts I speak of can be thoughts, memories or actual people. When these ghosts present themselves it’s important to consider your feelings the moment these apparitions arrive at your door. Your feelings are the most insightful things even if feelings are no more of a reality than the ghosts appearing before you. But, looking at the feelings will help reinforce the lesson the ghost was intended to teach. My ghost, at this point, is quite perplexing but I think I’m beginning to understand it’s appearance on my path. I’m at a cross-roads, so to speak, in a couple of different areas of my life. When you find yourself in such a place, it’s wise to momentarily consider where you’ve been before you can decide where it is you truly want to go. Then, of course, you must tune in very acutely to what is within you. Are your present choices and thoughts motivated by love or by fear? Search out the heart of your thoughts and feelings in such a moment and be very clear on your love or fear position. Where you are moving from a base of fear, it’s time to stop and love yourself some more or you are hard-life-lesson bound again and will choose the road to take you back where you’ve already been…again and again until you get it right. If you release the fearful things and instead choose a path of love, including making decisions that truly represent the highest form of self-love, you’ll find yourself moving in tune with the dictates of your soul, your heart and your dreams. Such paths will be even more rewarding for you.

But what about these thoughts again? Hmmm, I think I understand my ghost and the words and feelings it is trying to impart. I take away from this a haunting feeling of destiny, karma and contracts being fulfilled. Confirmation for decisions past as difficult as they were and although a little touched by this ghost's presence in the moment, I’m certain of my choice. It was a hard choice to make and I did it for me and regardless of the outcome, I’m in a good place with that thought. So, my ghost, I see you, I see the heart of you, I understand you more than you understand your presence and now I send you back to where you really belong with love and well wishes for eventual happiness for now and all time.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Self-Imposed Social Solitary Confinement

Sometimes when you learn something, it changes you forever. Life is full of such moments, those specific points in time where you know you can never go back to the way things were…you can never go back to being who you were. It’s a strange feeling, a significant feeling and a little bit of a sad feeling because things won’t ever be the same again. Although some types of change are good change, it still feels a little uncomfortable, unknown terrain, like driving into the sun…you can see a little but mostly not. It’s also a little like losing something, something intangible like when you were a kid and feeling freedom and accomplishment like never before as mom or dad let go of the back of your bike without the training wheels. You were flying like mad, the wind in your face, everything blowing by in a whir without a care at all until something happens unexpectedly and that bump in the road you were on propelled you from your seat of blissful freedom and suddenly gave you a lesson in concrete topography. You get back up and you try again but you may never have that feeling again, that feeling of trust, no fear, pure innocent exhilaration. That is until the first time you touch unconditional love, many, many years later as an adult.

Most of my adult life, romantic relationships were really about ego lessons, power struggles, compromising for control, stealing or preserving energy, suffering and delivering emotional manipulation blindly. That’s just the way things were in my ignorant state. In a way I think that ignorance was bliss for quite a while, never mind the fact that I had to keep starting, stopping, starting over again, stopping and starting over again in an endless heartbreaking cycle. For a while I shut my heart down altogether and pursued only the emotionally unavailable. What was inside of me manifested outside of me and I never understood why. I was a victim of my own mind, my own thoughts but through the years I gained a little wisdom and I learned to change my thoughts, change my heart and change my mind. Somewhere along the way, despite flying high, taking a tumble or two and learning about all sorts of terrain and topography as I was thrown to the ground again and again in my own emotional desperation, I learned something astounding. I learned something new. This one thing I learned changed me forever and I will never, ever be the same. I learned how to love without condition. But I couldn’t hold that because the rest of my thoughts had not made it to the level I somehow found myself. I hadn’t chosen very wisely, what I chose felt safe but the love I felt was real, it was unconditional and it was beautiful.

As I said, I couldn’t hold it and when it reverted to conditional and I saw that the individual I loved did not know about unconditional love, I saw how things would go and it had to end. He pushed the buttons, I did the walking. It was easy, it was mutual and then the emotions set in. Difficult emotions but it wasn’t so bad. I remembered what I had learned. So here I sit in my self-imposed solitary social confinement. I need time to think. I need time to breathe. I need time to heal some more. I need all of my thoughts to catch up to where I now know my heart is capable of going. I’ve now limited myself in a very incredible way, “a quality problem” a good friend of mine would say. I know that I can never go back to the types of relationships I’ve had in the past. I’ve tried dating some and my heart is open but I see so quickly now what spans out before us the instant we meet and one date is usually it. So, I’ve decided to take myself out of the game a bit…contemplate this “quality problem” of mine and decide what it means. It may be a little lonely for a while but thankfully, I’ve got my family, my work, my creative pursuits to keep me busy until I really finish healing, until I can really ascend to that place I almost claimed and then I’ll try again. What I am looking for is not easily found. I can never settle for a warm body and someone to feed my ego. I can never settle again for the mundane drudgery of compromises and reciprocal narcissism and I cannot start again until I find an equal at every level. I no longer feel the need to put a thing (relationship) before a person. I’m not afraid any more of being alone. Loneliness has become my best friend and that doesn’t make me sad not one little bit. It makes me happy because I’ll never again face those lessons I’ve already learned, I’ll never again settle for less than I deserve and I know I will never start something again I know I won’t finish. I am content to be and do and exist in my world moving in time with my own music, my own soul and the inner unconditional love I found. It’s an infinite well I learned and I know one day another soul on this path like me may be walking one night under the stars and maybe we’ll run into each other noticing Venus or Mercury in the distance and we might both realize we both will never be the same ever again.

I guess in a way I’m saying good bye. I’m closing a door that should have been closed a very long time ago and I’m not sure where I’m going or how I’ll get there but love is my truth and the truth shall set me free. Be well on your journey my friends, my thoughts…as always…are with you. Love and light!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Empty Feeling

That empty feeling…
That space that echoes within our soul,
That space that the unwary…
Seek to fill with love from the outside,
That space some attempt escape…
With food, alcohol or work,
That space is not a bad space,
And when you sit your consciousness,
Right down inside the heart of it,
It’s peaceful.

And when you’re really feeling that peace,
There is a still small voice that speaks to you…
Not necessarily in words…
But in pictures and feelings or memories,
That empty feeling is an interesting place.
When you’re sitting in the middle of it,
You can choose to sit
In the observer position within you,
And just notice the thoughts and feelings with
Non-judgment, non-attachment.

The thoughts just pass through,
The thoughts that drive assumptions …
Attempting to make you crazy,
Make you do something to disturb your own peace …
But the wise man knows,
Just observing the thoughts and feelings (which are certainly not facts),
Is key to developing serenity.
Sometimes in life I think serenity,
Is the real goal and not happiness.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Lonely Sinking Feeling

Cowboy Junkies
“Lonely Sinking Feeling
She says, 'i'm getting that lonely sinking feeling,
You know what I mean? '
With his hand on her back he's thinking,
'where does that leave me? '
Just when I think I've uncovered the secret
To peace and tranquility
That lonely sinking feeling creeps up on me…”

So, who hasn’t been here before? You know the feeling, that lonely sinking feeling that sneaks up on you, envelopes you and leaves you feeling so empty. Panic sets in, you want to run, you want to hide, you want to drink it away, work it away and just get as far away from it as possible. But, you can’t. At least not for long. You can’t escape that feeling. The only thing that you can do is settle yourself down right smack in the middle of that feeling and just feel it. It’s okay to feel empty and it’s okay to feel sad about feeling empty but you don’t necessarily have to do anything about it. When you sit right back into that feeling and realize that it’s okay to feel lonely, its okay to feel empty and it’s okay to feel sad there is no panic. We have these lonely sinking feelings come over us all now and then. We’re supposed to feel this way occasionally. We take on a lot, we do a lot, we ignore what’s going on inside of us a lot and sometimes that feeling needs to get very strong until we pay attention to it and understand what its really trying to say to us. If we don’t sit with the feeling and try to hear it’s wisdom, we may prolong our agony or we may make some pretty devastating decisions in our resulting panic. It’s not a good way to go.

Sometimes there is nothing wrong…our bodies are just adjusting to change and so we can respond by listening, by resting, by slowing down, being kinder and gentler with ourselves, eating better and maybe even taking vitamins…getting sunlight or exercise gently. If it is emotional, listening can lead us to the source, the core and once there we can uncover what is within our power to change to help accept the feelings. Sometimes the only answer or only solution is to find forgiveness…forgiveness for the universe, forgiveness for those in your past or present or simple forgiveness for yourself. There was a time in my life where that lonely sinking and anxious feeling settled over my soul. I panicked and felt something was really wrong. I fought that feeling with everything in me and all I got for my trouble was 6 months of insomnia. No bueno! I learned that there were some very important things trying to get my attention, things I had stuffed down, things I had run from and things I was choosing to ignore. I learned that panic on top of those feelings was not helpful. I learned that if I sat with the feeling it would eventually pass and there was no need for panic.

I don’t like waking up to feeling down or sad but now I know, when these feelings wash over me, there are thoughts at the core, judgments being made by me about me or there are things I’m holding onto I shouldn’t be holding onto. So, I get very still and I listen for as long as it takes to hear what it is my body and soul are trying to tell me. I’m kind to myself during such times and I find where I’m being hasty, in denial or otherwise not taking good care of myself. I adjust my thoughts. I adjust my diet. I adjust my exercise schedule. All of these things I do to help restore balance and then I can hear that still small voice that has been drowned out too long. If you can’t sit with the feeling on your own, I strongly suggest counseling to help you get to the core of what your body and soul are trying to tell you and then relax and let the process work and eventually you’ll start to feel the heaviness lift, the loneliness drift to the background and emptiness starting to fill with laughter and sunlight. Just like an injury…if you tense up, the pain is worse…it’s like that with those lonely, sinking and empty feelings too. Relax into them…don’t fight them and instead try to listen to what you body, mind or soul is trying to tell you. If you relax into the feelings instead of fight them and truly try to understand what is at the core and then finish up by taking healthy, appropriate and legal steps to right imbalances (and this has nothing ever to do with hurting yourself or anyone else) that lonely sinking and empty feeling will leave you.

Be well and be peaceful.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I Wonder.... it real or is it an illusion? I know that it feels real and that the vast majority of us act on emotion but what is it really? I'm no psych major so please don't expect that I'm about to dig into the psychology of the emotions or the ego. I think the ego may serve it's purpose but it's view is always wrong. Why? Because it generates emotion based on assumptions it likes to call thoughts. You might think that a jaded view but stick with me for just a minute and think about this. We often think of feelings as facts without checking those facts before we spring unwarily into action. That is so unfortunate for so many reasons. Well, that is if you are not a conflict/adrenaline junkie. I believe that feelings are mostly an illusion. Our feelings are based on our perception of something or someone. Our feelings are based on our perception of ourselves. Our feelings are based on our experience...based on our outcomes. Our feelings are based, often, on assumptions that have yet to be validated.

So, how can we tell if a feeling is real, whether the emotion is something we should take to heart or if we should trust what we're feeling at all? Well, fact check your emotions and feelings before you act. Simple right? Not so fast. It gets rather complicated turning our focus to our own thoughts and observing them from a place of detachment long enough to determine which thoughts are based on truth as we see it or which ones are based on assumptions. When you find the assumptions (here's a clue...double check the ones that involve you feeling anything negative about you), deconstruct them with pure and simple logic by asking yourself one simple question...are you ready? Okay, here it is, "Are the thoughts generating my emotions real?" Then, follow up with another question, "How do my thoughts are real thoughts or assumptions?" Consider yourself a detective gathering facts for a court case. As a detective you must validate every fact or it will be of no use for the impending court case. If a fact is not valid, you cannot use it and if you cannot use it, the emotions attached to it must not be real. If the emotions are not real because the facts aren't all checked, the emotion is an illusion and you can let go of that emotion.

So, I'll give you an example. You are driving on the freeway. A woman comes from the right hand side of the freeway, very fast and nearly takes off your bumper. Your thoughts..."That stupid idiot tried to kill me!" Maybe it makes you very angry. Well, let's deconstruct that thought. Do we know for a fact the person is stupid? What they did was probably not the best choice they could have made but it doesn't really make them stupid. So, we can't validate the stupidity. Is the person an idiot? It seems like it from their recent action but we really don't know them so we can't say for sure that the person who just cut you off is an idiot. On the last piece, did the person really try to kill you? Can you say they had intent to kill you with 100% certainty or is there a possibility this individual was distracted by something (probably emotional...LOL) and was careless? When the incident first happens, we could tend to be quite angry because we assumed someone was stupid and tried to kill us. You can line all of your thoughts up with that and chase the woman down, pull her over and yell at her, but what if you're wrong? What if you pulled her over and screamed at her and you noticed she was crying. She tells you she is sorry but she was rushing to the hospital because her child is in the emergency room and she has to get there fast before its too late. How bad might you feel for acting on your assumptions? You have a choice in what you allow yourself to feel and I'm not talking about denying your feelings. I'm talking about checking your "facts" before you let those "facts" give birth to your emotions.

There are many other examples I could give. The romantic arena provides plenty of fodder for this type of discussion. So, the next time you make an assumption and line up feelings about your partner...ask your self some questions like the ones above, discern whether your feelings are fact or assumption based and then act accordingly. Why? Well, because if we all acted on assumptions and we later determine our assumptions are wrong, we have doubled the negative emotions flowing in the world and it just becomes a horrible mess not only for you but now, someone else. It can be avoided if you are so inclined to have such interest.

So, I no longer believe that my feelings are facts. My feelings are based on the thoughts I allow myself to entertain. I don't like negative thoughts or emotions because it wastes the time I could be enjoying life with. So, I sort out the good from the bad by asking questions. Is this true? How do I know? Can I confirm with 100% certainty. If I can't validate my facts, I cut off the emotion and categorize the whole thing as questions I might just need to have answered...staying open to the possibility that I cannot assume or surmise the answers without going to the source.

Just some food for thought.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Taking long walks through long lonely hallways in my own mind. It's been an incredibly enlightening I won't soon forget. What I found was an immeasurable well of strength, of love, of understanding. What I found was acceptance for things not as they could be but as they are. I found faults and and magic. I found quiet stillness that was not frightening. I found the sun, the moon and the stars. I found life. I found meaning, understanding and even wisdom. I learned close is never close enough. Settling for less is not a sacrifice I can make long term...I learned that you should love with all of your heart or not at with all of your heart or not at all. Interesting journey...painful journey...rewarding journey...freedom at last.

...or so at the moment it seems. I have never been afraid of love but that's only because I have never been afraid of pain. Pain and love, love and pain...amazingly intertwined...that's the expectation one should have if engaging the heart. There is no finer reward. Having said that there are times I wonder just how many romantic starting overs I have left in me. I don't think I really have doubts that I won't stop until I find what I'm looking for and the thing is, I am looking for something. I've felt as though I've completed the part of love that I was looking for within and I'm always looking for that one person who can accept me for who I am as I accept others for who they are. That's called unconditional love. I've recently learned how to give it...what can destroy to heal it...hehehe, it actually takes more love. Interesting.

Any how, those are my thoughts today. I'm not sure if they're good thoughts but they do feel good at the moment and feeling good is a welcome change of late. I appreciate it immensely, now...mocha time! Peace!

Saturday, September 12, 2009


I want to talk about pain for a minute. A post I just sent to someone reminded me there was a topic I wanted to post about here...Pain. Pain is a feared and dreaded thing. In fact, most of us do some really crazy things to avoid pain. We stay in relationships, jobs and in friendships longer than we should to avoid what?...Pain. Well, here's the problem with that line of thinking. Pain is the great transformer, the great raiser of opportunity, and the great impetus for necessary change. Without pain prompting us to close doors on aspects or people in our lives that are no longer with us or good for us, we would not move onto the things and people we were meant to move onto.

I'm wrestling a fair bit with an ending and although I've closed the door and I don't fear the pain, it is still very difficult. I've embraced the pain. In fact, I welcomed her like a long lost friend when she came knocking...she was long over due and I'm grateful to have her here with me now...because that means I've achieved another level of much needed development, I've transcended the fog and muck I mired myself in for too long and now I'm ready to understand the lesson, let go and lock that damn door behind me (at least on one particular lesson). I don't hold any hatred or anger with the person on whom I had to close a door. I hold great love for this person but it was a situation that was NOT meant to least not long term. A part of me always knew it. A part of me knew I had compromised too far and it was time I set things right for me for my own peace of mind and soul. No regrets.

So, now I sit here in the aftermath telling myself "I told you so" and "What took you so long?" LOL I don't know the answers to that other than I often see things not as they are but as they could be. That's a beautiful thing to hold such optimism, to see the best in everyone and everything but there are draw forgetting the pain of a harsh reality...and that pain was really screaming for attention, screaming for changes to be made for my ultimate good. I'm glad I heeded that call, finally. So, now I can sit with these waves of emotion, these waves of sadness and allow to grow within me a new hope for a new door or opportunity in time. I already see it coming, it's just a little further up the road but I'm in no hurry. Right here, in this moment is where me, my thoughts and my heart belong.

It's not right to rush the current moment, the current moment is all we have. In fact, when I stay very present in the moment, I don't hurt so much. It's only when I look back or try to look ahead. In this moment, I am not anxious or frenetic, I am peaceful, I am whole and complete. I have hard won lessons in my heart and I'm grateful because I know that although some of those lessons were painful, I will never close off my heart. My heart is always open and I'm so proud of that. Love is the answer to everything but sometimes its not the kin of love you think. Sometimes the best friend for pain is love...self love, gentleness, loving thoughts and deeds from the self for the self. Healing sets in then, lessons coalesce into real tangible thoughts and then opportunities and change come in like a warm summer breeze.

So, yeah, I'm in pain currently but I'm also in a state of grace, a state of self-love, a state of forgiveness and a state of hope. It hurts a lot sometimes but then the good things are still there too and I smile sometimes with tears in my eyes because I won't panic when I feel pain. I know pain is just one aspect of the journey I must contend with, embrace, accept and plan for. But also, I must plan for joy, self-discovery, happiness and change. These are all good things. It's a fine day to be in a little pain and it's also a fine day to let it go. (sigh)(smiles)

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Contemplating the Seasons

It’s at this time of year I notice the sun’s position in the sky, realize the leaves on the tree once bright green are fading and notice the light’s daily display is a little bit shorter. The Summer is fading fast and soon the Fall will be on our door steps. It’s usually at these brief moments that I pause and look back. I think of the Summer fun I’ve had, the Summers of recent past and long-past. Technology has brought an amazing sense of happiness while thinking of those Summers long past since reconnecting with my dear childhood friends, my high school friends and then, folks I somehow lost touch with or the new people I’ve connected with.

This Summer has been filled with smiles and excitement. So much so that any disappointments that may have arisen are by far over shadowed. It’s been a good Summer and while I may be a little wistful at seeing it start to come to a close, I’m prepared to embrace the next season, Fall. Fall is my most favorite season of all. That feeling the Spring brings most people is lost on me. The Fall puts me in that heady, romantic and dreamy state for reasons I just don’t understand. Maybe it’s the cooler nights that eventually set in, maybe it’s the visible shedding of things past and the preparation for the bare nakedness of Winter…the moments just before rebirth. I’m not sure but Fall seems to be that season where I can let all of the things I’ve learned, good or bad fall away from the places in my heart and mind that I’ve collected them. As the leaves fall from the trees, the pain of lessons learned, the intense emotions of happiness and fun drop away as well leaving me centered, neutral and completely stable with my thoughts. It’s like a pause to relax, acknowledge and then slowly begin to move forward into Winter’s slumber.

This year has been an amazingly good year. So many triumph’s, milestones and lessons learned. Being drawn into the next two seasons leaves me feeling peaceful and accomplished. I see the changes all around me and embrace those changes with a completely open heart and mind. I won’t be carried away by politics, emotional drama or the pressures of the world that are not mine to take in. I will stand tall, accomplished, happy, proud of my progress, grateful for friends and family and simply enjoy this next season. My hope for everyone is that they might pause to think for a moment about the year’s progress, personal achievements, lessons learned (even if painful) and realize as the leaves fall from the trees, you can use such a time as a visual representation for letting go of the pain and disappointments from memories past, allow new thoughts and ideas to develop over the Winter and spring into fruition in just a few short months. May you all find a measure of happiness at any time of the year’s seasons, at any time in the season’s of your life. All moments are beautiful moments, all memories are beautiful memories and all lessons are beautiful lessons.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


I read a study today that indicates loneliness is bad for your health. Staying in a lonely marriage is bad for your health. Extroverts need friends more than introverts to avoid being lonely. I’m reading all of this and I cannot help but wonder if we continue to point at the finger pointing at the moon instead of looking at the moon. Stay with me here a moment and think about this. Is loneliness a real feeling or emotion or is it a perception that spawns emotions we choose to hold onto? Think about it before you jump right out of the gate and say loneliness is real.

Then, the next step is, if you decide that you really are lonely, what will you do about that? Will you sit there feeling bad because you think other people aren’t lonely or that other people have a mate, a friend or a family and are lucky they don’t have to be lonely? What if loneliness is just a want that you perceive can only be filled in a certain way? That means your perception would be set by certain expectations and those expectations may keep you lonely unnecessarily.

So, I’ve had lonely times in my life but I don’t mind my own company. I once purposely remained alone, aside from my kids, on purpose for 3 years. I wanted a good long amount of time to think about my life, where I had been, where I was and where I might be going. I couldn’t do that with the distraction of friendships of any kind. So, I became a hermit mom by choice. I felt lonely but never depressed because I was alone by choice. On those rare occasions where it got to be too much, I’d take myself out to dinner and eat at the bar where the other single folks dined. I’d strike up conversations with servers, bar-tenders, other customers. I’d go shopping and talk to people shopping. I’d go to the beach with a cup of coffee and smile at people, talk to people and just enjoy wherever I was and whatever I was doing. I’d then go home to a peaceful home.

Some people lock themselves into a lonely reality by taking the “green light” approach to life. All the lights must be green for 5 miles down the road before you could get into your car and head to a destination. But, what if instead, you made left or right turns? What if you threw your destination out the window, tossed convention, eradicated expectations and walked out into the world open minded with a sense of wonder and invited contact by being open to it? There would still be those days that people just weren’t talking and on such days, I’d think to myself that "This is a good quiet day." I’d get on the internet instead or read a great book. I would draw, write, fantasize, nap, organize, play cards or exercise. I ended up a bit lonely last year and so took up a tennis class. It was fun just for the human relation factor and it was not expensive at all.

When you drop expectations and allow yourself to be open to new experiences, people and new things, they come and loneliness becomes an indulgent feeling you mire yourself in. You’re only lonely when you want to be. If you want to talk, go talk to a neighbor. If you’re bored, go see if you can volunteer at the local elderly residential home or the hospital. You can offer to read books to sick children in the hospital. You can get involved in a cause. There are so many things that you can choose to do instead of sit inside the walls of your home feeling sorry for yourself and so sad that you do not have what you perceive you need. Live your life optimistically and never give up that optimism. Never give up options. Never lock yourself into only a certain way of approaching life or approaching the world and people in it and you will find that loneliness is a fleeting indulgent feeling. If you must indulge, accept that you are lonely, feel it for a few moments and then let it go by doing something about it. People won’t typically fall into your living room and want to talk. Sometimes you have to get out there and be the ear or voice that you need and that act will ultimately bring you friendship and people that will help keep you from feeling lonely.

Just food for thought.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Way There

Your criticism used to hurt me so much...
The way it was specifically designed
To push my buttons related to those things
I cared about most in the world.

I used to wonder if you got off on the fact...
That you held that much power over me,
That although you said you loved me,
Somewhere you must really detest me.

But, I learned that seeing that side of things...
Was truly seeing only what I wanted to see,
And I began to look deeper, look past my own pain,
And there it was, plain as the nose on your face…your own pain.

I came to realize that I’m certain of your love for me.
I trust that more than anything else in the whole world...
And I see now how it is that you analyze and criticize yourself most of all.
Inside you lives a harsh and critical judge…you see in me only what lives inside of you.

You can’t hurt me anymore in that way...
Because I’ve moved my buttons so you can’t get at them.
Nothing has really changed except now I see what’s really there.
I see the source of your criticism and the diversion it brings you.

You are in pain from so many sources,
And so you call it out in others in the hopes that they may heal it,
Because if they do and you can see that happen...
It builds hope for you that you can heal your own pain instead of escaping it.

I see you, straight through to your bare and beautiful soul,
There is no mal intent within you.
In fact, there is the deepest kindness, gentleness and caring.
And so, I don’t need to react, my ego is just not that wounded.

I thank my lucky stars that I’ve been given this sight,
This inner knowing that allows me to see behind the facade...
Behind the mask that you put on in such instances,
And I won’t give your pain the satisfaction of company.

Instead, I will show you nothing but balanced, focused attention.
Instead I will give you what you really want more than anything...
Love….compassion…acceptance and understanding.
This is what they call unconditional love, thank you for showing me the way there.