This morning I watched the full moon set in a clear sky just as it transitioned from the black of night into the beautiful blue of the day. Not long after, I watched the sun rise and brighten the silhouettes of the trees outside my window. The clouds moved in and the gray skies added such a beautiful contrast for the Crepe Myrtle tree outside and the green Sycamore leaves that soon will fall. In my mind I walked back through the memories of my experiences of life on planet Earth this past week. For whatever reason, the anxiety and fear generally felt all week was still overwhelming. As a soul that leans heavily towards the empathic, you learn after some time and experience what is your “stuff” versus what belongs to others in terms of energy and emotion. This week the sensation from outside felt like it was coming from within. But it was only this morning I realized the fullness of what I felt was not entirely mine at all. Much of it truly had nothing to do with me. I’m just feeling more lately and I find that interesting.
Anxiety and fear are great messengers if you understand their purpose and the fullness of the message these two sensations in particular can bring. Both are of the same source truly. I don’t really care much for the reasons why, the source or what lead to the feelings. I only know that I cannot carry things that are not mine to carry. I woke up this morning with the remnants of the sensations from my week – the lingering energy and I thought, “Wow, really? Why on Earth would you carry this?” I got up realizing that it wouldn’t help to beat myself up for my own sensitivity that left me feeling slightly less than awesome as my first thought for the day the moment I opened my eyes. So, I cleared it all away in a little shower-meditation. You literally just visualize letting the water pull away all of the negativity. It is truly an amazing thing to do after a week of high-stress!
When I came down stairs and saw the moonlight spilling down to wash my patio in a beautiful silvery glow, I paused and just took in the beauty of that gorgeous orb seemingly hanging in the sky to punctuate a beautiful and serene moment. I made some coffee and engaged in some mindfulness meditation to allow the rest of my week’s experience to drop back into the background with my full and complete acceptance of it. My realization of what I was feeling and the true origins helped me feel more peaceful, more understanding and much less anxious. I’m going to allow myself to just feel as I feel, be as I am and stop the fear that rises with these thoughts. Even that fear is a beautiful messenger. For me in truth, it is a worry that I am not handling all that is before me “perfectly.” “What a silly fear,” I think now by the light of day. What does it matter if I am not perfect? I am not here for that. None of us are here to be perfect. We are here to be who we are and to learn to see, understand and allow others to be as they are. The challenge comes in when others lay their expectations on you and think or even secretly demand that you should react to their expectations for no other reason than they have them. I learned this week that sometimes you just have to say “No." The “No” may have repercussions and that just really isn’t your problem.
For a recovering people pleaser such as me, I can admit that I wince when I have to say “No” sometimes still. My life’s experiences have taught me that quite often your “No” is followed by much conflict and heavy duty sales tactics by others to try and turn your “No” into their desired “Yes.” But something happens as you age in this realm. You start to gain wisdom and you realize that no amount of people pleasing will insure you against someone else’s displeasure. When you realize fully that another’s displeasure has nothing to do with you, you stop a really negative process from perpetuating itself into oblivion. You stop taking on the pain of others and chose to throw off their pain and just stand in your own light. This is not a painful process really and if you stand firmly and confidently enough in your own light, you begin to see the truth of this. When you say “No” to something, there are no shortages of people or situations that will rail against the “No.” Too bad I say. Sometimes the “No” is about self-preservation, it is about your own peace, tranquility and happiness and sometimes you just have to choose your own happiness over someone else’s and still be okay. It isn’t easy but truly, with practice it feels like the only thing you can do from the point in your life you begin to understand why standing in your own light is the most important thing you can do in your life.
So, I come back now to less heavy thoughts and the precious beauty of my surrounds. I’m grateful this week for all of the conflict I felt, for all of the emotions I encountered, the stress and anxiety even. For these things have taught me to be open and curious about what is going on inside of me despite all of the noise outside of me within my environment. I am responsible for myself and my thoughts and feelings. I am understanding and compassionate towards the thoughts and feelings of others and I bear no shame in standing up for myself and my own needs. Come what may from it, I’m happier in this moment for all of my experiences. I’m grateful in this moment for every soul I’ve encountered this week along with everything done and said. It’s been fine week on planet Earth and I’ve many things to consider about all that I’ve learned. A new perspective dawns and I’m glad. I don’t know where it will lead but I’m sure it’ll be great!
© 2016 Jaie Hart