Sometimes when we begin to see the things we could not see before, a strange sensation takes place. There are moments of connectedness and flow but there are also great moments of separation when you look out into a sea of illusions and watch them slowly dissipate. Surreal moments descend upon consciousness and one begins to wonder what comes next. How do you live in a world of illusion, including all those that were once self-created? What comes then of desires and dreams when the premise from which these things were created disintegrates? I really don't know but it is such a place I now find myself. Freed from many illusions that kept me going and fighting for understanding for so long have kept me focused, driving me to move and go and seek. But now, now that's all gone. At my core, I am happier than I have ever been. In the center of my soul there is a peace I have never known. In the heart of my spirit is a feeling of bliss. So why am I ill at ease? I think it is that in all of my searching and fanning the flames of my illusions, my mind was occupied, it knew what to do - dive into sorting and figuring and analyzing and now, now that is not necessary.
I do not know what comes next. There is a strong urge to take all of those things I collected and dump them. I have the strongest urge within me to take every single thing I own not in use and give it away or throw it away. I do not wish to collect "things" any more. They seem to have lost their luster, significance and importance in my consciousness. The only thing that seems to drive me now are the intangible things like true love, unconditional love both the giving and receiving, the understanding, the reaching farther and higher for even greater understanding. This place, it is such a strange and yet wholly wonderful place. It's freedom from the foggy thinking that had me mired for so long in a state of frenzy and unhappiness. This feeling, I know, is ultimately good but it definitely takes some getting used to. I think I like this very much but I just don't know what to do with it, what to do within it and where in my mind I now most wish to go.
I hate to say it or think it but it is very much like getting the summer off between grades. You have the motion and commotion of lessons and learning with other students right beside you and then summer comes and everyone goes away and you are left in the sunshine quietly contemplating the view, knowing as the clock ticks, fall comes and a whole set of new classes, with new lessons and new fellow students. I sigh in my realization and in mere seconds have decided to just enjoy the peace, this break to rest and recuperate. The lesson plan has been so very hard and difficult to master. I cannot rest much on my laurels thinking, "I made it." I wish I could. My mind is naturally inclined to wonder what comes next and how I shall prepare to give it my very best. I can at least trust that from me. Enough of these thoughts for now. I will put them away and face this day with cheerful optimism. The sun will shine and the clouds will slowly crawl across beautiful cerulean blue and I'll take notice and feel them and then tonight, under the stars I shall meditate and send up my gratitude, my sheer appreciation and all of my love.
(c) Jaie Hart (photo, fortunate random internet find)