Sunday, June 10, 2012

Voluntary Solitary Social Confinement

And so it goes, another day in this voluntary solitary social confinement I find myself contemplative in.  I'm sipping coffee in the coolness of a gray morning.  The birds are singing as they so often do.  The sound, sweet music to my ears gently stirring this gypsy heart of mine.  I never thought of myself as a gypsy before but considering the moves I've made at a couple levels of existence, I suppose my heart is quite restless.  Perhaps it is my own desire to understand that I have committed myself to this solitary social confinement.  In the absence, completely, of the typical conflict I encounter in this world I find I have greater ability to feel and to see the truth of a good many things.  Enamored by the silence, enchanted by the stillness and caught walking the corridors of my own mind unhindered has given me a freedom I have not before known.

It is hard to maintain this commitment for so very many reasons but I've learned enough lessons in life to pay heed to my soul and honor its murmurings.  And so, I wander the shores of the sea in my own mind taking in diffused light in tiny drops of emotion I'm soaking in with great pleasure.  Through the anxious seeming feelings of alone on the periphery, I do find a certain measure of peace.  This feeling, this rare and treasured feeling calls forth love from the deepest depths within me.  This isolation is nothing new.  Often have I been isolated from the world around me.  I observe the happenings within this world, the roles conducted by the directors and actors of many plays and I feel so disconnected with a very strong feeling of "I have already wandered through that dream."  In an emotional sense, it is but a rerun I've seen at least a thousand times and I no longer wish to participate in such plays, nor do I wish to sit through them again.  I want something by far greater.  I want something deeper.  I want something much more meaningful.  I live in the depths in terms of spirituality and emotion.  I cannot suffer another day of engaging in the superficial egotistical psycho dramas of the great majority of this Earth's inhabitants.  I wish to be free of it's pointless and senseless superficial meandering.  It plays in the background of every scene like a discordant tune that grates on my senses in every way.

"But this is life in this world called Earth," says an angel in my dreams.  "You wished to be here or you would not be.  It is this place that called to you from the Heavens as home and so you descended deeply into the dream to dwell yet again among the souls of men on this blue world called Earth.  Although you may not recall the specific reasons why, there are reasons great that you would be here learning again dear one," he said as I sat there motionless, emotionally distant as I heard the words and felt even more disconnected.  "Why are there so few here like me," I asked "And why is it I find it so hard to find them."  "Time dear one, in due time," said the angel as he faded from view.

I continued to walk the shores knowing I am connected to so many souls here fulfilling agreements, lending the support of my energy to them as they do for me and all without understanding the reasons why but driving from the core of my soul toward one dream in particular, one strong and true desire.  I wonder often if that one shall occur in this life time at all.  In nearly 46 years I feel I have never lived the life that I most wanted. It took me so long to understand the power of unconscious creation.  I exit such thoughts of disappointment, frustration, lack and yearning knowing the stirring emotion of those sentiments will bring them to fruition manifesting in this life in silence.  I do not wish a lifetime sentence of "more of the same" and remind the world and all who will hear me in this moment that when you voluntarily commit yourself, you can walk out whenever you are ready.

A smile reaches my lips with a memory of what feels like another time.  There, walking hand and hand are two silhouettes against the sinking sun.  Is it a memory or the vision of a dream yet to be?  Is it both perhaps?  I deeply with every fiber of my being...yes, I wonder.  The beauty of the vision is beyond words as I feel it from inside of me as if I were one of those silhouettes and I can feel the warmth of a hand there in mine and I smile knowing the answer will manifest right on time.  And so, it shall be.

(c) 6/12 Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)

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