Fallish Contemplations - Waxing Philosophical - Spiritual

 

I think when the Universe was seemingly taking a baseball bat to every structure in life that I built, I tended to write a lot more.  As I wrote about this or that, I tended to start to sort things out so I could try to figure things out.  This went on for years and years and then something happened.  Well, maybe it was a string of things but one day, I opened my eyes and there was nothing there but peace after a night of dreams where everything seemed to be in my favor.  I thought, is it over?  Is the chaos of quadruple PhD level life lessons coming all at once finally over?  Well, maybe not but the intensity of emotion and the victim feelings and also the feeling of emotional upheaval and panic was definitely was over.

 

What came in the place of all that chaotic emotion?  To put it simply, Understanding…not just of the universe and all of its many and infinitely varied machinations, not just of psychology and how in each of us healthy psychology is dotted with moments of a childhood (and past lives even) frozen within us in time creating actions, unconscious reactions and the like. That understanding left me with greater compassion and a very clear knowing that the world is not black and white – it is gray, violet, red, green, blue, turquoise, white, fuchsia, orange and hot pink!  It left me with greater understanding of what I remained open to, what I was closed to and what I remained ever so curious about.  I’ll be honest, years and years of upheaval triggered a kundalini awakening nearly 10 years ago and then everything sort of fell apart belief-wise within me.  It all started to dissolve – what I wanted for a career, illusions about family, friendships and what makes us good or bad or wrong or right.  They should really have more clinical help for those who go through a kundalini awakening.  It is a physical-mental-spiritual crisis-like experience that can take years to sort out (if you ever sort it all out).

 

In a way, it helps to purge those things within us that really no longer serve if (and that is a very big IF) and only if you are willing to let things go, remain curious enough to see more sides than just your limited experience and perceptions of things (which are incredibly shaped by your psychology – yep).  The further I got from my peak experience, the harder it became for me to write about anything.  I sort of lost my interest in trying to figure everything out and instead, as much as I could, I tried to just focus more on beingmore present, breathing, letting things and people be as they are and learn to fully trust myself to show up and deal with whatever showed up on my path.  And I have and I know that I will continue to do so (even if I have to do that scared sometimes).

 

Heavy duty and prolonged emotional stress takes a toll on a body and mind.  If you do not change the way you look at things or the limited beliefs that perhaps unwittingly skewed your perspective up to the point you encounter intense and prolonged stress, you may fold up within it.  That's not necessarily a bad thing - to fold up within it and take some extra time and self-care to manage it. Our fear of that happening is actually worse than it is.  I had a near nervous breakdown within months of my kundalini experience.  In my best recollection it seems like so many unconscious things were attempting to resolve themselves lightning fast (more quickly than I could contemplate what was going on, prepare to manage and respond to).  I worked through that period carefully, with tons of help and support and I finally came out the other side not unscathed but stronger.  Not just stronger but more grounded, settled, self-reliant, more willing to show up for and stand up for myself, more willing to follow my inner urgings of what I want and need most, and more able to take things as they come. 

 

I don’t have all the answers I thought a kundalini experience would bring but I got to feel something that is beyond words. In memory, it now seems like it was an experience of conscious me touching the purest part of the soul of my higher self – no judgement, no fear, no worry, just utter love and complete acceptance within a beautiful moment in time.  I guess when you touch something like that, it is bound to change you and I do, in fact, feel very changed.  Now, back to what reminded me of all of this...  It was the shockingly vibrant and gorgeous colors of the setting sun the other night.  So many colors I can’t even name but neon red, pink, orange and yellow, pastel blue, pink and purple, smokey gray, light gray and punctuated beautiful by stars.  Yeah, stars – the first ones in the fading light that followed.  In that moment, the beauty was so pure and simple, it reminded me of my kundalini experience – the explosion of colors that you don’t just see but feel and hear, touch and taste in this inexplicable way no one has every prepared you to experience.  It was a good memory.  It was truly a beautiful sunset. 

 

As the color slowly drained from the sky, the fiery display having peaked and now waning, I looked back at how far I have come in my life, the decisions made, actions taken, hard work completed and even some still ongoing.  I sat there in the nearing dark for many quiet moments smiling from ear to ear and feeling the Earth turning deep within the soul of me.  This is a good life.  I love this life.  I love all who are experiencing it at this time.  I love all who have come before, those who will come again and those who have yet to come.  Wishing you blessings for sense making of your life lessons, healing for all the things that pain you, patience for all the things that vex you and compassion for every moment you need it. 

 

© 2021 J.L. Harter (photo and words)

Unanticipated and Unintentional Learning

Driving home from work a few nights ago I watched scores of birds flying in formation across the remnants of a hazy sunlit sky.  Red tail lights for miles is all I could see before me. I just wanted to get home and judging by the view of the road up ahead, I was in for an unexpectedly long drive.  I took a deep breath and rolled down the window and heard a cacophony of different genres of music as if they were all one horrendous song.  I looked up from the road as the sunlight caught my attention.  As I looked up I noticed that the sky changed in an instant from a pale water color picture perfect hazy autumn sunset to a vivid neon light display.  My irritation at being stuck in traffic melted away like a Popsicle on a hot summer day.  What a dazzling display I thought, perfectly perched on a traffic laden hill which gave me a moment of spectacular perspective as the sun began to drop ever so gently below the cloud line.

My thoughts went quiet as often they do at sunset and I moved into a complete state of being.  There was no hectic day left in my mind and the traffic ahead became insignificant.  In that moment of conscious decision to just breathe, a dark fog of anxiety lifted and I breathed a huge sigh of both awe and relief.  Months of frenetic and chaotic activity has had me feeling quite uncomfortable within my skin.  There is much change afoot in a part of my world that has been so very stable for a long time.  I guess the stress of it has played just out of reach of my conscious cognition much like a background program running on a computer.  You don't notice it too much but its effect is still present and can stress the operating system's capabilities a bit.

In that moment that seemed like an unmoving eternity, I was free.  I was free from the worries and cares I have held and I laughed a little knowing the prior feelings were only my own resistance to participating in my world in a way I don't really wish to.  But as many humans on the planet, I have bills to pay, a nice roof over head and plenty of creature comforts for my family to enjoy.  It is their comfort that is my impetus for continuing parts of my journey some days I'd rather not.  "This too, shall pass," I said out loud.  It all will pass.

The traffic began to inch along on this crowded popular route into my home town.  Feeling the city's energy at this point in my drive was interesting to say the least.  When I opened my senses I felt, relief, sorrow, anxiety, excited anticipation and then from within, my own deep love and appreciation for home.  Not my home on this planet but the home deep inside of me that is where ever I am.  My thoughts trail off chasing a whisper of a concept that we're all seeking to get "home" not realizing the "home" we seek is truly right inside of us.  That loving place of complete connection, total understanding and limitless possibility is always within us.  We just don't realize how the mechanics of that works because we either don't care mired in the ego's superficial pursuits or we don't know how to find it.  When the connected part of me took over, the landscape before me changed.  Well, my perspective of it changed anyway -- nothing was going to move these cars out of my way any time soon so I had a choice to make.  I could go back to irritation and frustration or I could sit back and realize that this too is just another projection I have chosen to participate in.

My beautiful neon light sky display dissipated into the half flight of a quickly setting sun.  An amazing seeming phenomenon at this time of year I witness now near daily. I normally love the autumn but have barely even noticed it until this moment caught in Friday night traffic during rush hour.  Gratitude replaced my former anxious irritation and I decided to just enjoy the ride.  The night got worse before it got better and even that didn't seem to phase my elevated state much.  I had errands to run after I finally made it home.  Not used to turning on the garage light before I stepped the two steps down to the floor, I missed one mid-conversation with my partner and have no recollection of what happened next.  One minute I was talking and the next I was falling in darkness landing knees first, thank goodness.  I didn't move right away centering my focus into my body for signals to let me know I'd not injured myself too much.  I sat down with my worried family rushing over to help me up.  Without any worry and fighting back tears of pain, I realized with relief that miraculously I'd not broken anything.  Every single muscle was on fire with life in a way I didn't appreciate all that much but I got up and got on with it.  The errands were run and finally I was back to the safety of my physical home.  Once there I took note of the many sensations I experienced in a short span of linear time.  I walked through them so curious...frenetic thoughts of a very busy work day, frustration in traffic not wanting to be where I was, letting that go to embrace a beautiful sun set and getting on with the business at hand rather hurriedly only to be warned it's unwise to walk quickly down darkened stairways.  I laugh now but it's funny.

There is a lesson to be learned here about not becoming distracted as well as refusing to let negative emotions run rampant if even unconsciously.  In our distracted states, we lose our connectedness to our true "home" and clarity of focus.  In our hurried states, we miss opportunities to see what is right in front of us.  In the absence of some forethought we can risk the unexpected and unintended misstep.  While seemingly negative, these are all good things to be mindful of.  For a few days, I'll have some painful reminders of the importance of paying closer attention to not only my physical state, but the state of my thoughts and the speed with which I let them roam unfettered, while labeling things in fearful and resistant ways.  It took a painful reminder to get that.  Sufficiently reminded is a concept I'm fully physically aware of in this moment.

I hope all are having a wonderful weekend enjoying time with family and friends.  Relish every moment of your beautiful lives as you live them.  Everything matters in more ways than you realize.  Blessings for a beautiful day.

(c) 2013, Jaie Hart (Photo, random but fortunate internet find)

Ruby Throat

The sun spills through the tree branches in wide swaths of golden light.  The leaves outside of my front door look electric right now and just a moment ago when I was absolutely elated at my fortunate view, a ruby throat humming bird dropped out of the sky and hovered directly in front of my face as if to say hello.  I was so still not wanting to alarm my beautiful tiny friend and he stayed there for a little while probably with as much wonder about me as I held for him.  Have you ever watched the sun set in the fall and in the rays of the sun you can see the small flying things dancing in the light of it?  It takes me away, so far away in my memories to another place and time and the humming bird was perfection...right on queue.

It was so warm today I thought I might melt but I was so grateful for sunlight today.  In fact, I have a very long list of things I'm grateful for.  I'm listening to the birds sing the sun down and its the most beautiful music I've heard in a while.  Electric energy kept me moving through the mundane today and not even a trip to the dentist dampened this mood.  There are those beautiful moments in life where even the simplest things magically click into place unnoticed and the effect is intoxicating and mesmerizing to say the least.  The Earth holds so much beauty and the states of mind we can ascend to in a mere moment...breath-taking.

I took a flight last night in my mind's eye and hovered over an amazing landscape.  Elsewhere it was and I could see all of my favorite places, time spanning, moving slowly, quickly and the adventures come and gone.  Just as I thought my heart couldn't hold any more joy, the scene changed as I was called to a part I had never seen before.  On the other side of the cliffs and a beautiful waterfall, there is a different landscape altogether on a beautiful coastline.  The beach is more rocky there and as I focused in my view, I could see a castle.  Beautifully polished and perfectly placed light gray stone created its walls and keep.  The color contrasted beautifully against the deep blue of the ocean and the emerald green of a lush landscape. Inside it was light and bright although I could see no source of light at all.  Oh how I wanted to stay there.  Have you ever opened up your mind and allowed it to create beautiful places to explore for the sheer joy of the exploration?  Flying is an interesting thing even when inside of one's own mind but the exercise of it is more than beneficial.

I think that visit and communing with the Source gave me great impetus for returning to the love and light inside last night and maintaining it all of the day today.  The blissful feelings stayed with me all day and increased just now as I caught the golden light of sun set.  More memories now come to mind and I am content here now to sit with them a savor the remembrance for yet a little while.  I pray you set yourselves free to roam through the recesses of your mind some time...just to explore and see the beauty you can return to in your memories or create just for the joy of creation.  Blessings for a beautiful and creative week beautiful dreamers.


(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo copyright holder is as noted on photo)

In Between

Mesmerized by a water color painted sky, I drove west just to watch the last rays of the sun fading from view.  The silhouettes dark and crisply drawn before me was a perfect framework for the horizon.  This dreamy and ethereal feeling strikes me at this time of day.  It's the in between time of transitioning light and dark.  It has the same effect on me early in the day as well as night transitions into the day.  The in between is it. It holds something.  What is that something that always captivates me in a rare and calmly energetic state?  In such moments I can feel the heart beat of the Earth, I can breathe in the cool breeze and expand more easily for some reason.

We go through life moment to moment without much appreciation for that time of transition.  Those moments we step out or into the shadows of twilight and feel our way through the very alive moments of existence.  Things unseen take on new light and new life in the spaces between moments, the silence between sounds and the blending of colors transitioning moments as we move underneath the Earth's sky.  I breathe in deep and feel the energy pulsing within my core and despite the deep thoughts and twinges of less than perfect happiness of late, I too am in a state of transition between all of those things and experiences that came before and those yet to become.  I feel it with every fiber of my being and I'm quite honestly grateful.  The spaces between moments are where understanding dwells, more questions needing answers rise to the surface and the searching deeper within begins again in earnest.  It's a beautiful and peaceful time.

I continue driving aimlessly just moved by my vision, by simple sounds emitted from my car's sound system and the rush of the wind as I speed through it with the windows down.  I know where I have been and I finally do know where I'm going.  So, in the mean-time I shall endeavor simply to enjoy the ride.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (Painting:  Artist unknown but signed - see lower right).

Voluntary Solitary Social Confinement

And so it goes, another day in this voluntary solitary social confinement I find myself contemplative in.  I'm sipping coffee in the coolness of a gray morning.  The birds are singing as they so often do.  The sound, sweet music to my ears gently stirring this gypsy heart of mine.  I never thought of myself as a gypsy before but considering the moves I've made at a couple levels of existence, I suppose my heart is quite restless.  Perhaps it is my own desire to understand that I have committed myself to this solitary social confinement.  In the absence, completely, of the typical conflict I encounter in this world I find I have greater ability to feel and to see the truth of a good many things.  Enamored by the silence, enchanted by the stillness and caught walking the corridors of my own mind unhindered has given me a freedom I have not before known.

It is hard to maintain this commitment for so very many reasons but I've learned enough lessons in life to pay heed to my soul and honor its murmurings.  And so, I wander the shores of the sea in my own mind taking in diffused light in tiny drops of emotion I'm soaking in with great pleasure.  Through the anxious seeming feelings of alone on the periphery, I do find a certain measure of peace.  This feeling, this rare and treasured feeling calls forth love from the deepest depths within me.  This isolation is nothing new.  Often have I been isolated from the world around me.  I observe the happenings within this world, the roles conducted by the directors and actors of many plays and I feel so disconnected with a very strong feeling of "I have already wandered through that dream."  In an emotional sense, it is but a rerun I've seen at least a thousand times and I no longer wish to participate in such plays, nor do I wish to sit through them again.  I want something by far greater.  I want something deeper.  I want something much more meaningful.  I live in the depths in terms of spirituality and emotion.  I cannot suffer another day of engaging in the superficial egotistical psycho dramas of the great majority of this Earth's inhabitants.  I wish to be free of it's pointless and senseless superficial meandering.  It plays in the background of every scene like a discordant tune that grates on my senses in every way.

"But this is life in this world called Earth," says an angel in my dreams.  "You wished to be here or you would not be.  It is this place that called to you from the Heavens as home and so you descended deeply into the dream to dwell yet again among the souls of men on this blue world called Earth.  Although you may not recall the specific reasons why, there are reasons great that you would be here learning again dear one," he said as I sat there motionless, emotionally distant as I heard the words and felt even more disconnected.  "Why are there so few here like me," I asked "And why is it I find it so hard to find them."  "Time dear one, in due time," said the angel as he faded from view.

I continued to walk the shores knowing I am connected to so many souls here fulfilling agreements, lending the support of my energy to them as they do for me and all without understanding the reasons why but driving from the core of my soul toward one dream in particular, one strong and true desire.  I wonder often if that one shall occur in this life time at all.  In nearly 46 years I feel I have never lived the life that I most wanted. It took me so long to understand the power of unconscious creation.  I exit such thoughts of disappointment, frustration, lack and yearning knowing the stirring emotion of those sentiments will bring them to fruition manifesting in this life in silence.  I do not wish a lifetime sentence of "more of the same" and remind the world and all who will hear me in this moment that when you voluntarily commit yourself, you can walk out whenever you are ready.

A smile reaches my lips with a memory of what feels like another time.  There, walking hand and hand are two silhouettes against the sinking sun.  Is it a memory or the vision of a dream yet to be?  Is it both perhaps?  I wonder...so deeply with every fiber of my being...yes, I wonder.  The beauty of the vision is beyond words as I feel it from inside of me as if I were one of those silhouettes and I can feel the warmth of a hand there in mine and I smile knowing the answer will manifest right on time.  And so, it shall be.

(c) 6/12 Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)

Feeling My Way Through

Emotion struck out of the blue and before I knew it, I was headed towards the coast.  The sun was getting ready to set and the sky had already begun to turn a hazy gold as the fog began to slowly roll in off the coast.  I turned up the stereo so loud I could feel it.  I love to drive when I need to think.  There is something about having total focus on the road that frees the mind to put forth ideas while being temporarily removed from your normal surroundings.  My coastal contemplations always leave me feeling so much more peaceful and peace was what I needed.

As soon as I got close to Pacific Coast Highway and caught sight of the water, the rush of emotion hit me like a tsunami.  I didn’t even try to stop it and never do.  Sometimes in life we carry things, burdens and thoughts that we are not even aware of.  I’m so guilty of that sometimes.  I’m a trooper in my life.  I just keep going and pushing through things without giving myself enough quiet alone time to just feel, be and think.  But thankfully, the body can speak and it will through emotion.  Whenever I feel it and I just go with it, I find my body will just purge itself of any emotion that has been pent up.  When I listen to my body and let it fulfill it's need to feel emotion, it usually ends up being a beautiful experience for me even if a little painful for a time. 

I found a parking spot in the first place I looked, pulled the truck in and just sat there a few moments collecting myself watching that gorgeous light radiant orb as it sat silent in the sky.  It was so beautiful to me in that moment.  It looked like it was perfectly hung in the sky.  I just wished, for a moment, some clouds would gather around it.  Disregarding that thought for a moment, I grabbed my camera, my sun glasses and headed towards the water.  The breeze was cool and the gulls were just migrating back from inland haunts.  They return to the shore about this time each night.  I watched them soar letting my thoughts wander through memories of Jonathan Livingston Seagull.   In thinking of that story I let myself feel the loneliness that had snuck up on me unnoticed.  My goal was to grab a thought, any thought and just feel my way through it and then worry about dissecting it for origins later.  Sometimes, the sources of emotion are not as important as just feeling it without thought or judgement.  The body sometimes just needs to feel its way through emotion and everything returns to normal.

After about 30 minutes, the emotion began to subside.  I stopped sky gazing briefly to take a phone call and when I was almost done, I noticed some clouds had nestled perfectly around the sun and the golden hazy colored sky was beginning to turn bronze and opalescent pink and orange.  Struck by the sheer beauty, I readied my camera to take a few more shots.  I found my core standing there watching the sunset as my mind ran lightening speed through this lifetime and beyond.  There are things, experiences and people I am so incredibly grateful for.  There are also some I sorely miss.  I sighed a moment as I decided to let go of the rest of the emotion and I stood there breathing in the golden rays of the sun.  I noticed that it felt like the emotion was literally being  pulled out of me as if the waves took every ounce of emotion in me away.  A few more breaths and I was completely at peace.  I stood there a few moments longer recollecting this last year on this Earth.  It has really been amazing and wonderful.  I have realized the importance of appreciating experience and being grateful for those who brought experiences and life lessons to me.  Thank you – all of you, who have crossed my path in this life and others.  Things may change and we’ll come and go in each other’s lives but we’ll always have the experience, the memories and the beautiful lessons learned.

The sun has now set behind the clouds and all warmth has left the air.  It’s time to go home, I think.  I took one last look at the clouds that now fully covered the sun.  Dark gray clouds etched in fiery orange was an absolute pleasure to witness.  I could feel my consciousness pulled into the view and again, I was grateful.  I'm stalling now because it's so gorgeous standing here.  I really need to get home though.  I've got family there who love me and I'm eager to see them.  I realized as I made my way back to the truck just how blessed I am to exist in this life, to see the things I see and to feel everything I feel.  Life is really an amazing privilege and I'm really happy to be here.  I leave the beach smiling.

(c) 2012, Jaie Hart (words and photo)