It's All About the Journey

I used to think it was important to be the best I could be at this goal or that goal throughout my life.  To my wonder and amazement, I achieved each of the things I set out to do.  Of course I found my very egotistical moments of, "Hey not bad for a girl who grew up dirt poor in the welfare system." 

But I noticed that each time I achieved this goal or that goal and I had that moment or sense of momentary satisfaction at achievement, it was truly only very short-lived and really kind of empty now that I recall each one more fully with all of my senses open wide.  Then, I thought if I could just materially attain this or that or make this much or hold that position, I'd feel better and well, just good about me. 

Well, I achieved the material possessions and the positions and I felt good about them, but again, only for a moment.  These things and achievements felt good to strive for and good even for just a moment to finally attain.  But again, only a moment's happiness did they bring me truly. 

There are really too many things I've come to realize in my life but of those things a couple are more important than all of the rest.  For starters, any soul, regardless of of upbringing, financial status or environmental psychology can achieve goals they set for themselves if they but try, never giving up or disbelieving in their ability. Great lesson!  Yes!  Of course.

But despite this one thing and the many more I have learned on my journey, a question has gently floated to the fore of my consciousness.  The question seemed bigger, brighter and more important than all of the goals and achievements I can recount and proudly call my own.  The question I ultimately considered, "Why did I strive for those things and what was it I was trying to prove to no one else really but me?" 

I have done nothing but consider this question for about 18 months now.  I think I have finally answered after much thought and well, more accurately, feeling.  I have answered that question a good number of times and in a good number of ways for me.  I now further question everything that I thought I wanted.

I think I have finally come to the conclusion that money can buy a nice roof temporarily, cool clothes can put on a nice exterior, position can give you egotistical stature if you're lacking self-confidence in your own right or light and even public acknowledgement if you need that validation but, if there is no lasting contentment and joy in life that lasts as a result of all of these energy burning and very tiring efforts, I guess I just see no point in them any more.

So, now I think some more and I wonder whether I ever care to achieve position again, whether I care any longer to have more and ever more money because with it comes its own sort of problems.  What I care to achieve is contentment in my present focus no matter what it is that I might be focusing on.

Considering my former and present thinking carefully, it feels as if I am finally read to give up on most destinations I once thought important for me in my life and I that I no longer care for the thought of doing anything other than what I want for my own approval in tune with the dictates of my own deepest inner soul.  More than anything else in this world, I wish to see only love in everything and maybe to strive more towards finding contentment in whatever I do from scrubbing a floor, to laundry, to driving to work (with gratitude at having a job), to talking with loved ones and strangers or merely sitting alone at peace staring up at the leaves swaying in the breeze in beautiful contrast with a vast cerulean blue sky.  What good are things in life if you cannot find lasting contentment?  The journey's purpose I think at least for me, is to learn to truly see love in every single thing in existence and to find contentment no matter what presents itself to me on my journey for good or ill purpose.  And so, a new journey begins as my thoughts begin to shift and change with greater focus on the journey itself.

Change is in the wind, a welcome change, a beautiful change and a wondrous life-altering change.  I welcome it with the mind of a curious child filled with a desire just to experience the amazing wonder that is life here on planet Earth.  Silly?  Maybe.  Crazy?  Maybe that too.  But, well, I'm off to explore these thoughts and feelings some more.  ~Blessings for your journey to true and lasting love and, well, contentment too.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo, very fortunate and oh so beautiful random internet find)

Voluntary Solitary Social Confinement

And so it goes, another day in this voluntary solitary social confinement I find myself contemplative in.  I'm sipping coffee in the coolness of a gray morning.  The birds are singing as they so often do.  The sound, sweet music to my ears gently stirring this gypsy heart of mine.  I never thought of myself as a gypsy before but considering the moves I've made at a couple levels of existence, I suppose my heart is quite restless.  Perhaps it is my own desire to understand that I have committed myself to this solitary social confinement.  In the absence, completely, of the typical conflict I encounter in this world I find I have greater ability to feel and to see the truth of a good many things.  Enamored by the silence, enchanted by the stillness and caught walking the corridors of my own mind unhindered has given me a freedom I have not before known.

It is hard to maintain this commitment for so very many reasons but I've learned enough lessons in life to pay heed to my soul and honor its murmurings.  And so, I wander the shores of the sea in my own mind taking in diffused light in tiny drops of emotion I'm soaking in with great pleasure.  Through the anxious seeming feelings of alone on the periphery, I do find a certain measure of peace.  This feeling, this rare and treasured feeling calls forth love from the deepest depths within me.  This isolation is nothing new.  Often have I been isolated from the world around me.  I observe the happenings within this world, the roles conducted by the directors and actors of many plays and I feel so disconnected with a very strong feeling of "I have already wandered through that dream."  In an emotional sense, it is but a rerun I've seen at least a thousand times and I no longer wish to participate in such plays, nor do I wish to sit through them again.  I want something by far greater.  I want something deeper.  I want something much more meaningful.  I live in the depths in terms of spirituality and emotion.  I cannot suffer another day of engaging in the superficial egotistical psycho dramas of the great majority of this Earth's inhabitants.  I wish to be free of it's pointless and senseless superficial meandering.  It plays in the background of every scene like a discordant tune that grates on my senses in every way.

"But this is life in this world called Earth," says an angel in my dreams.  "You wished to be here or you would not be.  It is this place that called to you from the Heavens as home and so you descended deeply into the dream to dwell yet again among the souls of men on this blue world called Earth.  Although you may not recall the specific reasons why, there are reasons great that you would be here learning again dear one," he said as I sat there motionless, emotionally distant as I heard the words and felt even more disconnected.  "Why are there so few here like me," I asked "And why is it I find it so hard to find them."  "Time dear one, in due time," said the angel as he faded from view.

I continued to walk the shores knowing I am connected to so many souls here fulfilling agreements, lending the support of my energy to them as they do for me and all without understanding the reasons why but driving from the core of my soul toward one dream in particular, one strong and true desire.  I wonder often if that one shall occur in this life time at all.  In nearly 46 years I feel I have never lived the life that I most wanted. It took me so long to understand the power of unconscious creation.  I exit such thoughts of disappointment, frustration, lack and yearning knowing the stirring emotion of those sentiments will bring them to fruition manifesting in this life in silence.  I do not wish a lifetime sentence of "more of the same" and remind the world and all who will hear me in this moment that when you voluntarily commit yourself, you can walk out whenever you are ready.

A smile reaches my lips with a memory of what feels like another time.  There, walking hand and hand are two silhouettes against the sinking sun.  Is it a memory or the vision of a dream yet to be?  Is it both perhaps?  I wonder...so deeply with every fiber of my being...yes, I wonder.  The beauty of the vision is beyond words as I feel it from inside of me as if I were one of those silhouettes and I can feel the warmth of a hand there in mine and I smile knowing the answer will manifest right on time.  And so, it shall be.

(c) 6/12 Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)