Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Burden of Expectation

I learned today that there are just some burdens that are too heavy a load to expect a soul to carry.  One of those burdens is the heavy weight of another's expectations of you.  Nothing is more disappointing than to have another tell you that if your behavior does not change to suit them, they will withdraw from you.  It's a harsh thing to hear but I understand it so very clearly now.  I spent a good long time angry about an expectation someone placed upon me today and I finally, in this moment, understand why it bothered me so much.  For many years now I have been in a very rapid growth cycle and for very good reason.  One theme that has played consistently was my love for someone leading me to carry the burden of their expectations of me.  I tried, I really did but always seemed to find the burden of that expectation so heavy that I could no longer carry it.  I laid it down several times over the years only to be railed against, had vengeance played out upon me and even suffered stalking and insane attack just because I could not carry someone else's expectation of me.  Even though I set the burden down with one person and suffered the backlash for my inability, I turned right around and found someone else had taken their place and silly me, I did the very same thing again and suffered nearly the same result.

Today, a friend laid an expectation on me that made me incredulous and with it I was told how I should behave and I rose lightning fast to very deep anger and resentment.  I didn't understand why at first until I took a look a the theme.  What was the theme, what was the thing that has hurt me the most in the last ten years and then as I looked at my own timeline with people and relationships a thread began to glow and i picked it burned in my hands as the tears burned my eyes.  When understanding dawned it was all I could do to stand upright and breathe.  Realization dawned and it became crystal clear.  My main complaint for these past many years was realizing that I was never allowed to be me and be loved for being me.  I had to be what everyone else needed me to be and without consciously understanding why, I would escape and mourn the loss.  But the lesson repeated.  I received a message not long ago that was so simple when I was facing this theme just a few months ago...the message was "stand in your own light."  I didn't fully understand it then but I do now.

I'm exhausted in this moment with the energy expended to face this, my biggest lesson in life.  My tears of anger, frustration and soul wrenching disappointment turned to tears of pure joy.  I stopped shaking from the core of my being and I looked up at a cerulean blue sky and just then a cool breeze came out of no where and took my breath away.  It literally felt as if gentle arms had wrapped around me in congratulations.  The world stopped for me in that moment and all motion and thought ceased as I felt years and years of pain and anguish leave me, finally.  When I could breathe again, I took a deep breath filling my lungs as if it was the first breath I had ever taken and it was beautiful sweet.  I felt the pure lightness of release from something that has plagued me as long as I have lived it seems.  I cannot live up to anyone's expectation of who they think I should be, how they think I should act, how they think I should think or how they think I should love.  I can only be me and being me has always been enough and those restless souls requiring my conformity had no clue the grievous insult and burden they laid upon me.  I hope some day they learn.  But that's not my focus any more.  I've learned in all of this emotion today that I can only be me and those who seek to manipulate me or change me into something else with sweet words, promises and lies are lost and I need not concern myself with them.  If they were to approach me now, they'd only fall away because I've learned the truth and the truth has set me free.  I don't have to carry the burden of guilt, shame and failure any more.  I didn't fail at anything but not being me.  I'm okay with that. I was always righting the wrong in the end but without understanding why I was acting I couldn't fix the problem at the core.  I will never apologize for being who I am.  I'm a good soul with a heart of gold.  I'm compassionate and passionate about life.  If those around me cannot see that and love me for who I am, I simply do not need them in my life and I will let them go in full knowledge of exactly why and I now realize, they really won't come any more.  I find I am reborn in this moment and I'm so elated I am moved to complete silence.  I'm going to go celebrate in my own way under this beautiful sky and setting sun. ~Blessings dearest souls.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart, Photo - Random internet find. :)

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