Monday, September 10, 2012

Set Me Free

I watched Sirius rise in an early morning summer sky and I let my thoughts drift far and wide and they came right back and rested on a dream.  Three dreams, in fact, all in sequence for three nights in a row.  I don't understand why they have come at all.  What part of me is it that wishes to torture my own soul?  I don't know, I just don't know but I smile here in the darkness realizing the one thing you wish to move away from will sometimes come back to you until its done and I guess its done when the life of its own it has taken on decides its over.  I don't know.  Its always been easy for me to move away from a topic.  I decide the matter is closed and turn my sights elsewhere, align all of my thoughts and emotions thusly and then the rest is history in time.  But not so this time and these dreams come unbidden.  Perhaps the other side of the dream is not finished with me yet.  I can only wager a guess because I made never a promise and prepared myself to live with it.  Oh no, it hasn't been easy as my tears can willfully attest but my emotions do not control this matter.  In my mind I can see the truth and logic holds my true direction.  No other thing can be done here as far as I can see.  To continue the path I had been walking before was madness for love and because of love, I chose another direction and yet walking away also was madness.  And, so, I resigned myself to madness, found the strength to stand when gravity pulled against me so hard I thought I might lose my mind and in a way I think I did lose my mind.  No matter, the path is set and sail I did off into the unknown taking with me my beautiful and unexplainable memories.

It's hard sometimes when we come upon a cross roads where decisions must be made - Heart or Head - which will it be?  I chose to follow my head this time contrary to my typical decision making and I do not regret it.  It was what it was and to stay meant to hurt another that I could never hurt and yet to walk away meant possibly hurting another I could never hurt and there was no easy answer and this was no easy choice and through my tears I tried with all of my heart to see the direction I walked.  All I knew was that it was away from a place in time that I stood - A place in time I have stood many times and well, I thought I could be free and I know that's what the other side of the dream would want for me, all things considered.  But damn these dreams they keep haunting me and now in procession.  I used to long for the nights because of this dream and curse the day because the dream ended.  And now it is the nights I curse as well because there is no freedom for me in them.  But I'll fight, oh yes I will fight because I have created this dream and now I wish to uncreate it.  Not out of spite but out of the deepest strongest love in all of the universe and I will not fail.  No, I will not fail.  But these dreams make me weak and these dreams make me cry and I can hold them no longer.  With all the intent, with all of the words, with all of the power of emotion I hold right now in this moment - if this situation cannot be changed from what it is right now in this moment then please grant mercy upon my aching soul and set me free of it completely in every regard right here and right now, please hear and feel the honesty of my truest wishes Universe of compassionate love.

I pause in the darkness and stillness once more.  I return my gaze to Sirius twinkling violently in an indigo sky.  Memories swirl from this life and other lives and I see them like smoke in the crescent moon's light and I beg the wind to carry them away for a time until I can stand to hold them again without this ache in my soul.  And to the dream itself I beg, please release me completely on all levels and all dimensions as I release it in the highest regard, with the greatest of love and in the beauty of all that is good and light - I release you on precious feathered wings unto new horizons.  I bid you a very fond farewell with the greatest love and great wishes for a peaceful and safe journey.  Forgive me and so please now, let me be - set me free.

(c) Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)

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