Found My Way Home

I cannot help but wonder a bit about the space I've found myself in recently.  I write and put it out there publicly in the hopes that something I write about my experiences might help others but what I've encountered is something entirely different than what I had anticipated.  When you step outside of yourself in any means publicly, others tend to develop certain expectations about who you are and what it is that they want or need you to be in order for them to feel okay.  Sometimes that expectation is too much of a burden to carry.  I've written about this before but the lesson lingers on and so, there must be something more to it than I had originally considered.  My ego reacts terribly to people who try to tell me what to do, how to think or who to be.  My ego reacts this way because it is a direct, even if unintended insult, right straight through the the heart and soul of who I really am.  Please consider this the next time you lay your expectations on someone else.  Is it really about them or is it really about you and the healing and accepting you need to do on your own.

I am a student of life, an observer with natural keen analytical ability.  I take things in, learn the frame work and then dissect it completely for one purpose and one purpose only...to understand it.  I write about my observational experiments because as I write, it helps me to understand what I think I am perceiving more clearly.  I am a human being just like everyone else on the planet.  I get out of bed every day, shower and make myself presentable to a world that doesn't really care who I really am - they care how I show up.  Sometimes the world seems to expect me not to be who I am but what it needs me to be.  I look at this one thing and see it as the very nature of much discontent and conflict in all human interaction.  I've bumped up against this one several times in the last few weeks and have suddenly come to realize how much this has materialized on my path in life and I look back nervously now as I see how many times I twisted, bent and contorted myself to be what others expected, demanded or even nicely asked that I be for them.  Its an unreasonable and untenable request - an unfair request - and ultimately, one I can no longer grant to any soul on the face of this Earth.

I can only ever truly find happiness if I show up and present with my heart wide open, my mind wide open and curious but I have to do that my way and I cannot cave under the duress of threat that someone won't like me or they will take their love and respect away from me if I don't behave the way they want me or need me to.  Not one single soul on this planet is above making mistakes or being human so let him who has never made a mistake be the only soul with a right to throw a stone at me.  I'm laughing as I type this and want you to know that I say these things truly with a light heart and to be a bit "cheeky" as my friend Annie would say.  In my 46 years of learning I have come to know the greatest life lesson there is:  To thine own self be true and for no other reason than to uphold your own sense of honor, honesty and integrity because at the end of the day or the end of your life which one day will come at the end of the pavement that is the road of your life...the character you build in matters of the heart and soul are all you take with you.  Being the best at acting to meet other's needs and please those around you in exchange for superficial "love" (that isn't love at all) will win you nothing but a trip to the void where you'll have to figure this out pretty quickly in order to move beyond and into the afterlife.  If you don't figure out who you are now and find a way to love yourselves for the beautiful divine representation of love that you are, you'll be beset one day, much like now, with the monsters and villains of your own creation.  It's not a good path if you ultimately wish to find love and happiness.

I have learned that in life, I tire of fighting the expectations that others have placed upon me and I will never succumb to those expectations again.  Rather, I shall move away, far away from those who think so little of themselves that they can influence others and manipulate them into being something they want and need for instant gratification.  Oh, it is never done with malicious intent I do believe, but rather a great heaping pile of misguided misunderstanding.  If you want to look up to someone and raise them above you - you have immediately cut yourself down.  Stop that right this instant as you do not deserve that.  Do not idolize anyone or anything ever because to do so minimizes you and you are no less than a child of light...a beautiful child of this amazing universe.  Take your rightful place in this world by finding and seeing the love within.  Quit seeking flattery and adoration and instead rebuild the structure of your thinking.  You are so beautiful just as you are and if another cannot accept you, then walk away.  I have walked away all of my life from those who laid the burden of their expectation on me about who I should be to them or for them.  I hope above hope and I pray that one day, one bright and beautiful day will come those who have fully embraced the hearts of who they are and who, like me, have decided to lay down the world's expectations and be the loving, joyful and wonderful souls that they truly are for the pure joy of it...rather than fake something or act just so others might adore them find me and together we will merely enjoy a moment in the sun.  I am not on this Earth to be adored and I am not on this Earth to cut myself down by placing others above me in my own mind.  We are one.  We are equal at many levels.  Our understanding, perceptions and assumptions are the only things that separate us.

Be courageous enough to accept you for who you are.  Be curious enough to discover the things you do not know about you.  Be compassionate enough with yourself and others to see your kindred equality and then you might see what the true light of heaven really looks like.  Heaven never was a place, dearest souls.  Heaven is a state of being...a state of knowing...a state of grace...a state of love...and a state of mind.  Thank Source I finally found my way home.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart