Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Truth Shall Set Me Free (I Hope)

The day yesterday didn’t turn out to be all that much better than the day before…vexing legal delays, Ugh! But, all good things do take time. I just don’t want to pay any more for something I feel I’ve already paid for with blood, sweat, tears and a good chunk of my savings account. Live and learn! It seems today I’m questioning my own existence, who I am and what I want. Something at the core of me is driving me to make changes, seek clarity and it’s making me increasingly uncomfortable. Lesson time I fear…there are a few lessons that have been floating around the perimeter of my existence and I’m apparently not getting it so they keep swirling, swooping in, knocking me off balance and then leaving me feeling like I’ve just been on a roller coaster.

I don’t like that feeling and I’m not sure the words pent up inside given flight will really make a difference here. I guess there is only one way to know for sure and that’s to set the thoughts and feelings free even if I make a fool of myself in the process. I guess there’s really no help for it as this compelling urge won’t leave me even though I’ve tried to ignore it, look at it differently and play out scenarios in my own mind. I realize that’s the core of the issue…playing out scenarios in my own mind concerning another whom I have no control over and realize I could be making a lot of off-based assumptions. I’ve held my tongue because I’m not sure that speaking would accomplish anything. The one thing that would be accomplished is making known the way I feel about something. I’m not sure why in this case it is so difficult for me to open my mouth. I’m not sure if it’s fear, I’m not sure if I’m worried about being careful of what I ask for, I just don’t know. Usually when we struggle and agonize over decisions of any sort, it’s because we know what is right for us and we’re avoiding.

So, I’m thinking this morning about what it is I’m avoiding and that circles me right back to a fear that can only be confirmed as real or imaginary by opening my mouth and talking to another person even if it seems the goal is pointless. I guess if nothing else it will net me confidence in expressing my courage to speak my mind no matter how pointless that may be. It’d require that I be true to myself and clarify my own feelings which I’m not 100% certain of at the moment. There are many reasons why I might doubt myself in this particular area. I’m sort of keeping my own counsel on that topic here and just brushing the surface of the challenge here. Maybe my struggles, meandering thoughts and fears might help someone else from following the same thorny path some day.

The thought for the day is to heed compelling urges, provided they are healthy and speak your truth with sincerity, kindness and in honesty. There is no better way and outcomes will be as they were intended to be regardless of what you want; regardless of what you fear. Sometimes setting things free can liberate you in amazing ways. Peace.

No comments:

Post a Comment