Saturday, October 4, 2008

Pain in My Heart/Music to My Ears

It’s a cool Saturday afternoon in October. There are huge clouds up in the sky and it’s sprinkling off and on today. I’m in a favorite pair of jeans, a t-shirt and just relaxing. I’ve got a cup of coffee in hand at 5:00 in the afternoon. I’ve been updating my iTunes and organizing my music. I’ve been so lost lately emotionally it seems so I thought I’d make myself some new music mixes. I had nearly forgotten how much I loved alternative music. It’s stuff that doesn’t evoke intense emotions in me at the moment so that’s the focus of the afternoon. I’ve got myself a nice little mix of Chris Cornell, Temple of the Dog, Pearl Jam and Stone Temple Pilots recording on a little CD. I intend to replace all of the CDs in my car disk changer. I need new thoughts and music is a perfect way to usher that energy in. Especially music you’ve not touched in a while.

I have a wide array of music I listen too. Some of my favorites include Tool, A Perfect Circle, Staind, all of the above. Along with that I have a ton of chick music, Dixie Chicks, Jewel, Chely Wright, Sara McLaughlin, Trisha Yearwood, Cheryl Crow, etc. I’ve also got a bunch of the hits from the seventies like Carly Simon, Carol King, Cat Stevens, Jim Croce, Joe Cocker, etc. I love music. I love intense music. I love deep music. I love slower paced heavy metal sounding stuff and I even love my Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies…Punk Covers of the songs from the seventies. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the punk version of One Tin Soldier Rides Away or Mandy.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching through music lately. iTunes has been my best friend and counselor today. I’m not sure what I’m searching for. My collection of music has often represented new influence of people in my life. They introduce me to things I never heard before or never really paid attention to. So now I have this great collection of music but I must admit that at times, I grow sad listening to some of it. It reminds me of times long past, the way I thought or felt and the things that I experienced. Much was good but it’s always hard for me to look back. Take a recent 70’s mix I think I posted the other day. Whenever I hear Linda Rondstadt sing “…and I think I’m gonna love you for a long, long time,” I cry. When I hear John Denver sing “Sunshine on my shoulders make me happy. Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry,” guess what I do…tear up. Those songs remind me of the past. In the seventies is when I became aware of my family dynamics and started to learn all was not right in my world. The music is beautiful and I love it…it reminds me of home but then it quickly reminds me of bewildered times, frightening times and I can’t take it for long.

Then there are those days when I plug in Tool and hear Maynard sing “Why can we not be sober, I just want to start this over…” I think of my second ex-husband and the happy times we shared in our little house in HB and then I grow sad realizing how much we had and let slip away. It’s hard to remember. Then I plug in Temple of the Dog and I’m reminded of an old and still dear friend who once brought me a copy. The music is alternative…easy to listen too and deep in a different way. In reminds me of my friend, who is also my nine year old daughter’s dad. We’re still friends today and I’m grateful for that. I remember so much about the music that he liked and introduced me to. Interesting and thoughtful times.

When I’m in love I lean towards the Dixie Chicks, Jewel, Trisha, etc. I love those songs that cause me to emote even more than I normally do but then, when things go wrong and I’m not in love, that same music brings me to tears. That’s good because sometimes I’m too tough to cry and that’s not good…I start reverting back to my old ways of locking myself up and away and the tears want to fall but won’t. I remember someone close to me, someone I hurt telling me that when he hears the song by Simon and Garfunkle, “…I am a rock, I am an island…I’ve got my books and my poetry to protect me…I’m shielded in my armor” it made him think of me. I remember those days and how shut down I was emotionally and didn’t have a clue. I didn’t know but I didn’t ignore that comment and spent ten years opening up and trying my best to heal the scars that made me an island unto myself. Not a good place to be.

Forgive the rambling this evening…all this music just has me in an interesting mood and I was compelled to let the thoughts have voice. Well, I’m off for more coffee. May you dance with your ghosts to a happy tune this evening as I will with mine…and I’ll send them home at midnight as I drift off to peaceful sleep.

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