Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I started a particular journey six months ago, almost to the day. When I started out, it seemed like I was at the bottom of Mt. Everest with a fierce blizzard blowing through me and spilling my emotions out in every direction. I didn’t even want to begin the climb because unfortunately, this climb was familiar. However, I knew the journey must begin and as the Tao Te Ching says, even a ten thousand mile journey begins with a single step. So, step I did. I placed one foot in front of the other not looking at the top of the mountain but focusing instead on the journey. I’ve navigated smooth plateaus and gaping chasms I feared would swallow me whole but I didn’t stop and I didn’t give up. I just kept going.
This particular climb was nearly 3-fold with 3 major life stressors happening nearly all at once. I felt battered and bruised along the way, tired, angry, shredded emotionally but I just kept going. I knew somehow I would make it, that I would undo wrongs done and find forgiveness somewhere along the way not only for the other folks involved but also for myself. I think I’ve finally achieved that state of forgiveness I sought because at this point of the journey, so near the very top, I am mostly at peace. The peaks and valleys along the way are leveling out and it’s just a few more hand holds to get to the top along with time. These last few steps find me a bit reflective. I’ve learned a lot. Mostly I’ve learned that I need to think a whole hell of a lot more before I make decisions and make sure when I make those decisions that I am in a state of peace and serenity.
The main focus of my current “climb” is the receipt of my final divorce decree from marriage number 3. It was one I probably should never have engaged in. My heart was in the right place but my judgment was clouded. The man was a good one but not good for me in the way I needed him to be. I hope he’s well moved on by now finding healing and happiness somewhere else and that I will soon be a long forgotten memory; a life lesson along the way. I’m hoping that I maintain my own happiness, continue to find peace and serenity too. As I said, it’s been a long journey, a hard journey but one I made it through nearly to the end. I expect that next week some time or the following I should have my decree and I’ll crack that bottle of champagne I’ve been saving to celebrate my liberation from my own limitations.
I see the world so much differently today than I did six months ago. It’s not the bleak world I thought it was and along the way I seemed to have truly learned the value of friendship and how much the love of friends means to me. Were it not for my beautiful friends I would not be here sane as I am today. I would not be here peacefully writing at my computer and contemplating a hard-won victory over myself. I’m grateful, eternally so. I’ve reclaimed ground on the work front for me too after a year long break. That’s a significant accomplishment I’m also very grateful for. The remaining front still holds some battles for me but with an addicted loved one, those battles don’t end until they give up their poison or succumb to it completely and finally. That one will take some time and I’m prepared to finish that journey where ever it might lead me.
Tonight I’m at peace, watching the presidential debates and getting ready to go play tennis. I’ve got lessons tonight and for the next two weeks. Then I’ll likely go into a bit of hibernation until January but I plan to write a lot. I’ve got a lot of wonderful things happening in my life that I treasure. New friends, reconnected friends, the tried and true ones and the love of my family. My heart is still open after all I’ve been through and that makes me smile as that was no small feat!
I’m going to sign off now on a good note. I want to remind you as you climb your own proverbial mountains that it’s not the view from the top that’s important, it’s the journey and how you navigate it along with the love you give and receive along the way that matters. The reality is, as soon as you get to the top of that mountain, you’ll enjoy the view for a moment only to learn there are other mountains you must climb and if you don’t pay attention to the current climb as you take each step, you may not have the skill and experience needed for the next mountains and the next ones. The journey is the destination.