Sunday, October 19, 2008


Sometimes in life things just don’t turn out as you planned. From the grand scale to the small, we have expectations, plans and dreams and then something happens…the universe, other people, Our Maker even, steps in and shows us what we thought we had in store was not what we thought. Is it bad? Sometimes it feels like it but what about this…what if our disappointment on a small scale for a change in direction saved us from something that would have been more painful or meaningless? I don’t know anything about anything…a wounded healer of sorts I am. It’s easier by far to give advice to others than to think things through and make logic out of the chaos that is often my own life.

I don’t do a lot of things right. In fact, I do quite a lot of things all wrong. My heart is usually in the right place but I do get hurt a lot. I think about that often. I’ve got choices there like everyone else. I can decide I’m sick of the pain and just not put myself in a position to get hurt. But then I think, that’s no good…look at what I’d miss…particularly in the romantic realms. Yes, I’m tired as others are of having their heart trampled on or taken for granted but you know, I just can’t seem to give up on what I really want and I trust that because of that, I’ll have it and eventually, just like I want it. In the mean time, I’m not going to mope or despair. I’m going to just keep placing one foot in front of the other trying to focus on the lessons I ought to be learning.

Sometimes I feel like I’m tired of learning and would just like to coast a while. Well, there is plenty of time for that later I suppose. For now, it’s all about experiencing life. I’m not getting any younger and I don’t want to take my last breath wishing I would have been more open to love in all of its forms. I'd rather take my last breath knowing definitively that I gave love at every opportunity, that I loved, have been loved and if nothing else, I made a good mark on this world with a caring heart. That’s just me though. Some might call it naive or fantasy but I really don’t care. If most people knew the entirety of my life’s history, they probably wouldn’t think much of decisions that I have made but they would be struck by one thing…I always seem to learn, better myself and try to give back to others through the lessons that I learned.

I’m not feeling down on myself. That only happens when I compare myself to others, which I try often not to do. It’s pointless. No one has lived my life like I have. No one has seen the sadness I have seen with my eyes. No one else has felt the love I have felt from within my soul. We’re also different but we have a similar drive in terms of love. I think I enjoy that fact of life more than most. It’s a beautiful thing and someday I know I will find someone similar, who shares my wonder and curiosity. I already have many in my sphere who get me at least a little. That’s enough to make me smile. I’m not so complex…just a mere mortal woman with hopes, fears and dreams. Whether my dreams come true or not does not depend on fate or the universe, it depends on me and whether I will remain open and try to stop throwing roadblocks onto my own path. It’s funny how we do that without even realizing it.

I guess my thought for today, although convoluted, is to never give up hope…be who you are, love with all of you always at every opportunity. For then, and only then, can you truly realize your dreams and find happiness.

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