Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Onyx Sky

An onyx sky with twinkling diamonds she saw when she first stepped outside this morning. She stood there in complete awe and feeling so small and insignificant while gazing up at the pre-dawn sky. The air was cool and damp as it should be on a fall morning she casually thought. She arose only thirty minutes before that moment feeling restless and anxious instead of peaceful after a long night’s repose. She wondered about that but the feelings were nebulous with no seeming source in sight. She went with it and moved about her morning business. First things first, the coffee is brewing emitting a warm aroma that eases the tense feeling somewhat. Routine is a comfort and she realizes in the moment why she holds to it day in and day out. Like a child needing discipline to feel safe her routine gives her a sense of control in an often chaotic life.

The children are all sleeping peacefully and she realizes how much she treasures waking up in the quiet of the morning, before the children awaken. Those quiet moments allow her to recharge her thoughts more gently, allow her to make more sense of the things she’ll face in the day. She realizes that she’s taken on way too much in this world but there’s no help for it now, no turning back. She must go on and keep it together, keep the juggling going so those around her will remain entertained and in their seats for the show of life. She has much to teach and much to learn and is luckily a very quick study. Except, it seems, in one small area…love. Love both drives and repels her in this life. The one thing she wants most seems always to elude her for reasons she can’t always understand. She tries though, she always tries.

She sips her coffee and navigates her way through her laptop that feels warm and comforting, like a treasured friend. When no one else is around to listen, she pours her thoughts out through the key board and onto the screen. She reads what spills out and seeks to understand. For some reason the thoughts seem more organized and cohesive when on the screen for her to read as if the thoughts come from without. She finds it easier to help others navigate this game we call life than it is for her to navigate her own and deal with her own emotions. Sometimes she thinks putting the words on the screen makes it seem like its someone else telling her about their woes, worries and troubles and she can better analyze what’s happening when she sees her thoughts from the outside in. It’s a hard place to sit, always questioning what she sees, second guessing herself.

She steps outside again in the damp and dark, same onyx sky and sparkling diamonds. She lights a cigarette and slowly inhales. As she exhales the thoughts of self-loathing begin because she hates the idea of smoking at all and wonders why she’s only been able to give it up for days at a time. She stops the self-loathing thoughts and realizes its her choice and once she wraps her head around the need she’ll be able to let it go. She says good morning to her neighbor as he leaves in the dark for work…a horse jockey and a really nice man, that one, she thinks. Alone in the dark again, on her front porch she continues to stare up at the sky. She talks to God in her own way each morning with deep appreciation for life, gratitude for friends and the people she loves. She’s grateful for a job that feeds her family and allows her to find shelter. She’s ultimately happy and optimistic despite everything swirling around her and beneath all of those thoughts a steady hum of other thoughts plays in the background of every waking moment. The thoughts of a man she’s spent a good deal of time with over the past several months. He’s a friend and a good one. Someone else she’s grateful to have in her life.

That line of thought is a whole separate story she thinks and decides to let the hum go without exploring the swirling thoughts there. It’s best to leave those alone and not analyze. In that area she knows she needs to just be in the moment in order to avoid so many mistakes from the past. Her center must be maintained religiously there in order to stop frenetic thoughts from flying out of control. She loves him she knows but not in a way others might expect of her. She’s learned in life that love is by far more than the infatuation driven chemical feelings of a fleeting romance. She knows this one is different, more important and not driven by the urgings of her ego. Thus the need for maintaining her center…to keep the ego disengaged, to keep it’s fearful and self-conscious thoughts at bay. She puts out her cigarette and watches the embers fade from bright orange to black. She lingers a moment with her hand on the door. It’s time to wake up the kids and get them moving. It’s time to mentally prepare for her routine departures from thoughts and emotions. It’s time to turn on the child-like wonder for the occurrences of the day. She lets go of her morning contemplations and moves into the daily routine again. It’s going to be a great day she thinks and she’s officially off to it.

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