Sunday, December 30, 2012

Beware (Be Aware of) the "Click"

Word to the wise from the dating archives...Sometimes the "Click" is just not good.  The "Click" is that sentiment that most look for when dating ... that feeling upon meeting someone that you just, well, you know, "Click."  Well, please, please, please be aware that if you grew up in a dysfunctional home that "Click" can sometimes turn out deadly.  I am one who grew up in quite the dysfunctional home.  I refuse to disparage my parents here but I will just say that they did the best that they could with the challenges they faced emotionally.  I often thought that I made it through childhood unscathed.  Despite growing up very poor, from a broken home and not much of a good outlook by the statistics, I did alright.  I didn't know what college was growing up, only that it cost money and with no encouragement that I should ever seek it out, I didn't.  I went to work immediately and escaped the dysfunction of home.  I grew up, developed a successful career in management and married a nice guy and had kids.  But something was always missing.  After 7 years together, for many reasons, it just could not continue and so I filed for divorce, we ended things amicably and I returned home from the opposite coast where I had it all.  Those were some tough years, let me tell you but they were amazing years in terms of learning.

When I got back on my feet, I entered the dating arena.  I look back now and see that for sixteen years, I very unsuccessfully dated.  What I didn't realize was that I picked in my partners every form of  challenge that exists and even included those hopelessly addicted to pain.  Now, all of these folks are fine individuals with good souls and are so beautiful to me and I loved every single one but they had challenges in many arenas that just didn't work for me in the long run.  I do not wish to disparage them, the focus here is not even them but me and my own challenges I dealt with quite unconsciously.  I realized somewhere along the way that through my partners I was unconsciously trying to heal my parents and so I'd date and have no problem finding those I immediately "Clicked" with.  I didn't understand the "Click" and the reason it existed.  The "Click" existed because they bore aspects of their personalities very close to my parents in one way or another and this was just the worst thing in the world for me and there was no way I could ever truly be happy in those relationships.  So, I left every single one of them when I realized I faced a very similar and familiar challenge that I faced in childhood.

Over the holidays my brother asked me if I would consider making amends with my mom. We've been estranged for more than five years (and many periods over my young life off and on). He knows not what he asks of me.  Mom is one of the disordered and has a long history of addiction and behavior I find wholly vexatious, vengeful, vindictive (have I covered all the "V" words here?) and entirely unhealthy for me.  I'm an empathic soul and feel everything including sympathy for those who suffer even at their own hand for their own decisions.  Around such souls they can rant and rave all they want to and I'm clear on what is about me and what isn't but the fact that I kept finding myself amongst those souls that I "Clicked" with came into greater focus upon my brother's innocent request.  I gave his request honest and sincere consideration but have decided against it.  My life is so peaceful and so serene that I do not wish to go back to filling it with vexatious souls unwilling to seek help for what truly ails them and I refuse to stand in answer to those souls for their own mistakes that bring them pain.  I am not above assisting those in need but you see, the way I grew up, such behavior in me is considered enabling behavior or co-dependent behavior and so, like an alcoholic who abstains from alcohol, it's imperative that I abstain from consorting with the emotionally, mentally or financially disordered and misguided.

I realized that the "Click" is my clue and guide.  The "Click" that everyone else looks for, I too look for but for very different reasons.  When I find one I "Click" with, I know that at an energy and soul level I am comfortable for one reason and one reason only, there is something about them like my parents and if I wish to avoid the pain that has come time and time again, I must discontinue any close interactions with any soul I feel the "Click" with.  Instead, if I should ever become interested in dating anyone again, I  must find a soul there is no "Click" with...a soul who's energy is wholly unfamiliar to my long educated engagement of disordered energy of those who used to flock around me.  I am free from that energy now and it is like a breath of pure, pristine and fresh air.  I can never go back to it.  I do not begrudge the disordered from finding love, they just cannot engage me in romantic love.  I'm not that gal any more.  I'm interested in something wholly healthy, mature, no instant sense of fake and false intimacy that immediately precedes some form of emotional manipulation, no hiding disharmony and discord, no blame, no victims and villains, just pure bare honesty, mutual respect, mutual accountability, mutual responsibility and mutual and unconditional love.  I will not settle for anything less and should I never find that, I am content in my life at present as I've learned to find the beauty and love from within and within all things and all souls who cross my path.  I need nothing and no one to complete me as I have learned, finally after all of these years that I always was complete.

So, I encourage you to understand the "Click."  If your story is even remotely like mine, be aware of the reason for the "Click" and be prepared to make other arrangements if you truly desire a healthy normal dating adventure of the honorable kind.  As far as dating, I'm not sure I'm interested any longer.  After 16 years of learning the rougher aspects of my own delusions, I'm rather content just enjoying my kids, life, spirituality and helping others in much more healthy ways these days.  There isn't a lot of room for dating.  I sometimes miss it but for the most part, I honestly don't.  I'm happy now, happy with what I've learned, happy about every experience with every soul that I've ever dated because I learned to uncover the truth within me and it has NOTHING to do with the the labels of psychological transference and projection once vicious slung by more than I wish to count.  I stepped out of the victim and villain psychodrama a while ago and learned that it is not in me to ever venture back.  Life is too short and there are too many things that hold infinitely more meaning for me.  If you're out there testing the waters, stand in your own light and keep both feet firmly planted on beautiful Terra Firma, eyes wide open and your soul-senses acutely tuned.  Only then will you understand what comes before you.  Live, love and learn but do so with heart, mind and soul open to sensing everything. Beware the "Click."   ~Blessings for blissful adventures dearest dreamers.  Enjoy the play!

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)

No comments:

Post a Comment