Saturday, November 17, 2012

Anxiety's Grip

I stood under a dark sky filled with stars as so often I do.  I watched pale clouds move across the stars seemingly in slow motion.  Despite the beautiful peace that I knew I could feel on the perimeter, it could not reach my core due to anxiety producing thoughts.  There are sometimes frustrating aspects of the journey that we all must face, think through and contend with.  This occurs mostly because we have become engaged in things our hearts just are not in.  Sometimes these things can be helped and sometimes they just can't.  So what then, to do in the interim?  I am not really sure but this is my attempt to figure it out.  I wish to figure it out because this is a state I would call, discomfort.  The reasons why are not important as I've already quite adeptly pinpointed that for myself.  The matter is what to do about it without ascribing rippling effects outward that may, in fact, serve to create even more least temporarily.

Everything in life matters and everything happens for a very good reason.  The one thing I have learned in my nearing fifty years on this planet is that when we are not quite in the right place, be that physically in terms of our home's location, the right job, the right relationship or the most supportive circle of friends and acquaintances, stress will ensue.  When we are engaging in things out of sync with our truest core and desire, discomfort can result.  I find myself in such a state and the answers while seemingly easy, are not easily attained.  As I sort through each nuance, option and potential resulting consequence, I am feeling stunted, a little worried and well, even more discomfort ensues.  Not much can be done about circumstance that I, myself have created and created out of a very good and valid necessity other than sort through those thoughts that are resisting what IS the most.  Pinpointing those thoughts and finding ways to restructure them - not to create a fantasy untruth about what IS to ease my mind but to try first and foremost to understand the heart of this lesson I face.

I'm not sure how to get there.  I know what I'm doing about it but what I do will take time.  A change is in order, of that I am certain and even if uncomfortable, I am one to embrace change because only through it can we bring in more opportunity for love and greater light.  Sometimes it is time to move on from all of the structures one has built and seek to rebuild certain structures with a different design, work from a different premise and then focus more acutely on the desired outcome while preserving aspects of highest import.  It's time for very focused thought and attention and much more in the positive rather than letting my mind run rampant with fearful and anxiety producing thoughts.  I am understanding of what must be on the periphery I think...but I'm not really sure I have not understood my own motivation for staying in a certain situation, right precisely where I am.  It is almost as if this nebulous something calls to me.  But I feel that nebulous something might actually just be boredom, frustration, the wrong kinds of challenge that seem to require effort with little to no real progress nor reward.  But then I wonder why it might be I would put myself in such a situation to begin with.  There must be a very good and valid reason because if I've learned anything in this life, it is that I can implicitly trust me and my soul and my Soul's Source to lead me, to guide me and help me to understand those things I most wish to consciously comprehend.

I can feel the anxiety in my soul and know that somewhere I have crossed a line perhaps that I shouldn't have crossed and not with anyone else but myself.  So, going back again...rethinking the premise, the platform from which I built what I have created.  I have created a wonderful something out of nothing and yet I am dissatisfied with what it now requires or what is seemingly required of me to maintain this structure.  I think that I shall stop attempting to limit my thoughts and instead realize the pleasing parts of what I have built are part and parcel of my own soul and so will be present anywhere I decide to focus and move.  I may just find that if I tear certain structures down and rebuild them, I may find myself in the same stance of a certain dissatisfaction and then, so, why put forth all of the effort at all?  Such thoughts create an immoveable stasis that is quite unproductive and very much anxiety producing.  So, I come back again to my own thoughts realizing the common denominator.  An emerging thought begins to form and take hold deep within the heart of me.  This structure I dreamed of, created a vision for and executed quite adeptly on I am proud of but this structure in this one area of my life is not me.  Without it, I would still be me.  Without it, I would find other things perhaps more in line with the authentic core of me.  That's it...that's the crux of the issue.  I cannot be other than authentically me and those who desire I be anything else, well, they will ultimately be greatly disappointed for no more will I live up to the expectation of others in certain regards.  I am more concerned with the state of my soul and what I offer this world rather than meeting the expectations others place upon me.  Expectation is sometimes a challenging thing.  Sometimes expectation can result in retroactive contracts...even when spoken, we may decide that we thought we wanted to live up to an expectation but we've learned that we simply cannot.  We cannot be deterred in life by learning such truths about ourselves.  Rather than disappointment, perhaps we should relish the splendor of realization of our truth and authenticity.  Discovery of truth is not often bliss inducing.  At least not at first.  Bliss comes when the alignment of love truly enters the whole of our being.  And then, acting in alignment, there comes the joy, the love and the light to embrace.

I look down this path, glad for what I have built but I also embrace this emerging opportunity for changing, for embracing new thoughts and for courageously placing one foot in front of the other even though I cannot clearly see in this moment just exactly where I am going.  I feel deep within the core of my soul it's a good place and so I trust every breath and step.  I am now feeling the release of anxiety's grip on my consciousness and I'm grateful, so grateful.  There is no situation you cannot think and love yourself through.  The way may not always be clear nor easy but trust you and then do whatever it is you must do to find that loving alignment within that brings forth the supportive and authentic thoughts that are your truest gift to this world. ~ In love and in light, I send you clarity of thought and the capacity for and the reality to receive love in the highest.

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