Fallish Contemplations - Waxing Philosophical - Spiritual

 

I think when the Universe was seemingly taking a baseball bat to every structure in life that I built, I tended to write a lot more.  As I wrote about this or that, I tended to start to sort things out so I could try to figure things out.  This went on for years and years and then something happened.  Well, maybe it was a string of things but one day, I opened my eyes and there was nothing there but peace after a night of dreams where everything seemed to be in my favor.  I thought, is it over?  Is the chaos of quadruple PhD level life lessons coming all at once finally over?  Well, maybe not but the intensity of emotion and the victim feelings and also the feeling of emotional upheaval and panic was definitely was over.

 

What came in the place of all that chaotic emotion?  To put it simply, Understanding…not just of the universe and all of its many and infinitely varied machinations, not just of psychology and how in each of us healthy psychology is dotted with moments of a childhood (and past lives even) frozen within us in time creating actions, unconscious reactions and the like. That understanding left me with greater compassion and a very clear knowing that the world is not black and white – it is gray, violet, red, green, blue, turquoise, white, fuchsia, orange and hot pink!  It left me with greater understanding of what I remained open to, what I was closed to and what I remained ever so curious about.  I’ll be honest, years and years of upheaval triggered a kundalini awakening nearly 10 years ago and then everything sort of fell apart belief-wise within me.  It all started to dissolve – what I wanted for a career, illusions about family, friendships and what makes us good or bad or wrong or right.  They should really have more clinical help for those who go through a kundalini awakening.  It is a physical-mental-spiritual crisis-like experience that can take years to sort out (if you ever sort it all out).

 

In a way, it helps to purge those things within us that really no longer serve if (and that is a very big IF) and only if you are willing to let things go, remain curious enough to see more sides than just your limited experience and perceptions of things (which are incredibly shaped by your psychology – yep).  The further I got from my peak experience, the harder it became for me to write about anything.  I sort of lost my interest in trying to figure everything out and instead, as much as I could, I tried to just focus more on beingmore present, breathing, letting things and people be as they are and learn to fully trust myself to show up and deal with whatever showed up on my path.  And I have and I know that I will continue to do so (even if I have to do that scared sometimes).

 

Heavy duty and prolonged emotional stress takes a toll on a body and mind.  If you do not change the way you look at things or the limited beliefs that perhaps unwittingly skewed your perspective up to the point you encounter intense and prolonged stress, you may fold up within it.  That's not necessarily a bad thing - to fold up within it and take some extra time and self-care to manage it. Our fear of that happening is actually worse than it is.  I had a near nervous breakdown within months of my kundalini experience.  In my best recollection it seems like so many unconscious things were attempting to resolve themselves lightning fast (more quickly than I could contemplate what was going on, prepare to manage and respond to).  I worked through that period carefully, with tons of help and support and I finally came out the other side not unscathed but stronger.  Not just stronger but more grounded, settled, self-reliant, more willing to show up for and stand up for myself, more willing to follow my inner urgings of what I want and need most, and more able to take things as they come. 

 

I don’t have all the answers I thought a kundalini experience would bring but I got to feel something that is beyond words. In memory, it now seems like it was an experience of conscious me touching the purest part of the soul of my higher self – no judgement, no fear, no worry, just utter love and complete acceptance within a beautiful moment in time.  I guess when you touch something like that, it is bound to change you and I do, in fact, feel very changed.  Now, back to what reminded me of all of this...  It was the shockingly vibrant and gorgeous colors of the setting sun the other night.  So many colors I can’t even name but neon red, pink, orange and yellow, pastel blue, pink and purple, smokey gray, light gray and punctuated beautiful by stars.  Yeah, stars – the first ones in the fading light that followed.  In that moment, the beauty was so pure and simple, it reminded me of my kundalini experience – the explosion of colors that you don’t just see but feel and hear, touch and taste in this inexplicable way no one has every prepared you to experience.  It was a good memory.  It was truly a beautiful sunset. 

 

As the color slowly drained from the sky, the fiery display having peaked and now waning, I looked back at how far I have come in my life, the decisions made, actions taken, hard work completed and even some still ongoing.  I sat there in the nearing dark for many quiet moments smiling from ear to ear and feeling the Earth turning deep within the soul of me.  This is a good life.  I love this life.  I love all who are experiencing it at this time.  I love all who have come before, those who will come again and those who have yet to come.  Wishing you blessings for sense making of your life lessons, healing for all the things that pain you, patience for all the things that vex you and compassion for every moment you need it. 

 

© 2021 J.L. Harter (photo and words)

Better Than Ever

Engaged in quiet meditation was I, enjoying fully the peace and stillness and noticing with amusement that there seemed to be no silence at all.  In growing quiet and turning within I heard sounds that had nothing to do with the outside world and not one single voice was spoken but I felt beautiful words conveyed in tones.  One was so high, like the highest tone of very small wind chimes or even the imaginary singing of angels.  The sound was so pristinely pure and so high it was nearly inaudible.  This sound, so faint, was steady strong as I observed from my spectator position nestled safely within the confines of my own mind.  There too, was a very deep and rich tone that reminded me of the deep sounds of a violin or a cello.  It reminded me of the Earth, so hauntingly beautiful it steadily played on in the silence while I felt it’s tune.  Somewhere in between several more could I hear and feel in that moment.  I realized with delight it was energy I heard.  Out of the various tones I perceived in that moment, I picked one familiar, my own and observed it playing in tune with the sounds of the Earth and the Universe.  In one second of observing the tone changed and took on a strange sense of rising.  It became infinitely vast and resounding with a depth I could not fathom an end to.  Just then, I physically felt a very strong and powerful and yet gentle swirling of the energy at the base of my spine. My sensation of the world rippled and became much less solid with every revolution of the energy as it swirled.  No sooner had I noticed the physical sensation of movement when I felt also the warmth of an internal fire beginning to spark to life at the base of my spine.

I could not move, gripped with curiosity and maintaining an observer position so I would not get in the way of whatever it was that was most definitely transpiring.  The energy began to inch it's way up my spine gently.  The further it moved, the warmer it became.  With that sensation, many more began firing as all of my nerve endings seem to come alive all at once bringing waterfalls of tingles from head to toe.  I sat there still, quiet, eyes closed observing.  The sensation moved to my heart center and exploded in heat like the hottest day of summer and with eyes closed the light inside my mind’s eye glowed bright as the sun in rich gold, tangerine and purple with white, moving and glowing and speaking a language I did not understand.  The energy moved up into my throat and there resided a little while longer and the light in my mind’s eye changed to sage green and blue radiating still more warmth and intensity.  It was becoming harder to breathe from the sheer heat of the moment and the infinite seeming strength of the energy but I sat there calmly willing myself into observance.  The energy moved to my brow and the heat grew even more intense but there it sat and not uncomfortably so at all.  I realized the heat was not the physical heat we typically experience here on Earth somehow. It was different and it did not burn.  A calm peace descended as it moved to the top of my head and a thought came then, “open.”  I felt then the stream of energy running freely and an interconnectedness to everything in existence.  "Pure unadulterated bliss" are the only words I can struggle to define it.  

I sat there in the afterglow for minutes that turned to an hour and I found my steady breath once again as the solidity of my physical being seemed to be returning.  This moment, this one moment in time I shall never forget, the love it brought me and left me still feeling.  One week ago it came and has visited me repeatedly since.  A new light and clarity of my vision ensued.  For a very ordinary existence, so very routine, the past 10 days have been so very precious to me.  Something inside me has been burned away and I feel an almost giddy sense of mourning which is so very hard to convey.  Life can change so quickly in seemingly quiet moments.  This moment I shall treasure and each moment that follows even more so.  I love this life and all that it brings.  The design is so much more perfect than we can truly understand until that precious and invaluable moment comes when we do, finally, at last understand and then nothing will ever be the same again.  No, never the same...but, better than ever. 

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo, fortunate random internet find)