I think when the Universe was seemingly taking a baseball bat to every structure in life that I built, I tended to write a lot more. As I wrote about this or that, I tended to start to sort things out so I could try to figure things out. This went on for years and years and then something happened. Well, maybe it was a string of things but one day, I opened my eyes and there was nothing there but peace after a night of dreams where everything seemed to be in my favor. I thought, is it over? Is the chaos of quadruple PhD level life lessons coming all at once finally over? Well, maybe not but the intensity of emotion and the victim feelings and also the feeling of emotional upheaval and panic was definitely was over.
What came in the place of all that chaotic emotion? To put it simply, Understanding…not just of the universe and all of its many and infinitely varied machinations, not just of psychology and how in each of us healthy psychology is dotted with moments of a childhood (and past lives even) frozen within us in time creating actions, unconscious reactions and the like. That understanding left me with greater compassion and a very clear knowing that the world is not black and white – it is gray, violet, red, green, blue, turquoise, white, fuchsia, orange and hot pink! It left me with greater understanding of what I remained open to, what I was closed to and what I remained ever so curious about. I’ll be honest, years and years of upheaval triggered a kundalini awakening nearly 10 years ago and then everything sort of fell apart belief-wise within me. It all started to dissolve – what I wanted for a career, illusions about family, friendships and what makes us good or bad or wrong or right. They should really have more clinical help for those who go through a kundalini awakening. It is a physical-mental-spiritual crisis-like experience that can take years to sort out (if you ever sort it all out).
In a way, it helps to purge those things within us that
really no longer serve if (and that is a very big IF) and only if you are willing to let
things go, remain curious enough to see more sides than just your limited
experience and perceptions of things (which are incredibly shaped by your
psychology – yep). The further I got
from my peak experience, the harder it became for me to write about
anything. I sort of lost my interest in
trying to figure everything out and instead, as much as I could, I tried to just focus more on beingmore
present, breathing, letting things and people be as they are and learn to fully trust myself to show up
and deal with whatever showed up on my path.
And I have and I know that I will continue to do so (even if I have to do that scared sometimes).
Heavy duty and prolonged emotional stress takes a toll on a body and mind. If you do not change the way you look at things or the limited beliefs that perhaps unwittingly skewed your perspective up to the point you encounter intense and prolonged stress, you may fold up within it. That's not necessarily a bad thing - to fold up within it and take some extra time and self-care to manage it. Our fear of that happening is actually worse than it is. I had a near nervous breakdown within months of my kundalini experience. In my best recollection it seems like so many unconscious things were attempting to resolve themselves lightning fast (more quickly than I could contemplate what was going on, prepare to manage and respond to). I worked through that period carefully, with tons of help and support and I finally came out the other side not unscathed but stronger. Not just stronger but more grounded, settled, self-reliant, more willing to show up for and stand up for myself, more willing to follow my inner urgings of what I want and need most, and more able to take things as they come.
I don’t have all the answers I thought a kundalini experience would bring but I got to feel something that is beyond words. In memory, it now seems like it was an experience of conscious me touching the purest part of the soul of my higher self – no judgement, no fear, no worry, just utter love and complete acceptance within a beautiful moment in time. I guess when you touch something like that, it is bound to change you and I do, in fact, feel very changed. Now, back to what reminded me of all of this... It was the shockingly vibrant and gorgeous colors of the setting sun the other night. So many colors I can’t even name but neon red, pink, orange and yellow, pastel blue, pink and purple, smokey gray, light gray and punctuated beautiful by stars. Yeah, stars – the first ones in the fading light that followed. In that moment, the beauty was so pure and simple, it reminded me of my kundalini experience – the explosion of colors that you don’t just see but feel and hear, touch and taste in this inexplicable way no one has every prepared you to experience. It was a good memory. It was truly a beautiful sunset.
As the color slowly drained from the sky, the fiery display having peaked and now waning, I looked back at how far I have come in my life, the decisions made, actions taken, hard work completed and even some still ongoing. I sat there in the nearing dark for many quiet moments smiling from ear to ear and feeling the Earth turning deep within the soul of me. This is a good life. I love this life. I love all who are experiencing it at this time. I love all who have come before, those who will come again and those who have yet to come. Wishing you blessings for sense making of your life lessons, healing for all the things that pain you, patience for all the things that vex you and compassion for every moment you need it.
© 2021 J.L. Harter (photo and words)
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