Memories

I felt the Pacific calling from within my soul the moment I opened my eyes this morning so, I made about my routine in haste and hopped in the Highlander (no more truck) and headed out the door.  I usually pass by a Starbuck's drive through on my way for coffee but this morning the Starbuck's across the street from my house kept popping into my head and so I decided to stop there instead.  I walked in and noticed it was not crowded at all and then realized it wouldn't be on a week day at just after 9:00 am and made my way to the very short line to order.  I walked up to the counter when it was my turn and before I could speak, the nice young man looked me in the eyes and said, "You have three kids don't you."  I was puzzled and gave him a funny look and said "Well, 4 now and smiled."  He smiled back and said, "I'm Nick*, I used to live right below you.  Remember me and my brother Brian*?  You raised me."  My mind reeled back through the years and found the space, that place in time and a blond haired boy of about 13 or 14 and his younger brother - brown hair and big smile came to mind.  I remembered him and his younger brother along with many other kids I some how managed to have "adopted" at that time in my life. 

It struck me funny for a few moments, that time in particular because it just so happened to be during my 3 year hiatus from participating in much of life.  I had decided to just focus on what was and wasn't working in my life and hold it together for my kid's sake along with their many friends who practically lived at our house all of the time.  Snapping back to the present I said, "Oh my gosh, Nick, I didn't even recognize you all grown up.  I remember all of you kids practically living at my house.  I can't believe it.  Look at you all grown up."  Smiling from a place I had nearly forgotten, I went to pay for my mocha and Nick said, "Nope, it's all taken care of."  "Awh, thank you so much, " I said and put a tip in the container at the register.  I so wanted to catch up with him and hear about how life has treated him and his brother and dad too but he was working and busy so I let him know we lived right across the street and I would definitely be by with the kids to say hello.  Before I left I asked if he was on FB and he said he was so I let him know I would find him.

As I left the store and made my way to my car smiling.  I thanked the Universe for prompting me to take an alternate approach to my normal routine.  I was rewarded with connecting with one of many children that have come into my life and who I had the honor and pleasure to get to know and care for.  Especially one that was actually really special to me.  He was special because I knew the heart of that him and I felt his struggles.  The reason I knew this one was special was that he might have been rough and tough with the other kids but at the time I knew him, I was a single mom of three, one of which was a baby..as my youngest started to grow, I watched how he was with her.  He was so sweet and kind to her and played with her sometimes.  I would watch and I could feel the energy and love inside of him.  He may not appreciate my saying this so I might just change his name in this post (I did) for the sake of his privacy.  But he's special and I don't know if anyone ever told him but you can see it in him now full grown into a young man.  Not to forget his brother - he too was a good kid at heart and he was so funny he always made me laugh.  Today, the light shines in Nick's eyes and I was so proud.  I could see his mom in the background beaming pure joy at the child she brought into this world.  She left us about 11 or 12 years ago and with tears I remember that day and the moment his father told him and his brother that mom wouldn't be coming back.  I was there looking out my window, feeling their sorrow right along with them and trying with all of my might to send as much loving and healing energy as I could.  Oh gosh, that memory tears at my heart just now.  But she went home and is at peace now.  I've seen her from time to time over the years in a way I can't readily explain but she's proud of her boys and well she should be.

As I pulled out of Starbuck's and headed for the coast, I thought about that time once again.  There was another neighborhood child  around us then too.  Mahlee, I'll call her as so often I did (not her name though - protecting her privacy). She too had lost her mother not long before then.  So during that time of my life I was so overwhelmed being a single mother of three and these three additional beautiful souls were around me too and I grew to love them all. Mahlee entered an essay contest and the topic was about mom's for Mother's Day.  She wrote something wonderful about me and she received an award, a garnet.  She gave it to me in a beautiful box she painted.  She knew I always made those painted boxes for others but never got to keep one for me.  Now I do.  I still have that box and the garnet she gave me.  I remember the day she graduated Junior High School and she invited me to participate.  She gave me a rose reserved for the moms and I cried as I watched her...I could see her mom smiling there right beside her too and my tears were of pure joy - not just mine but from Mahlee's mom too.   There truly is nothing more precious than being honored to be a positive influence in the life of a child (okay - tears of epic proportion now remembering this time).  I need to shift topics a bit so I can wrap this up without running for a box of tissues.  :) 

When I finally got to the shore of the Pacific, I made my way to tower 24 at Dog Beach in Huntington.  It's my thinking spot.  I sat down and immediately noticed two grommets (also known as very young surfers) in the surf.  They were paddling out to catch the waves.  They caught my attention because of the contrast between them.  They were both caught in a very strong part of the tide.  One boy struggled to move and was just stuck.  He'd paddle and kick just to not move an inch.  But he kept trying to paddle to the shore.  He did this until he was so tired he just sat there unmoving letting the tide carry him until he rested enough to try again.  The other one turned and went with the flow of the current and headed back out to the waves, caught one and then came back in.  Finally, a surf coach tromped through the surf to help the other little grom get to his feet.  She helped him get into a better position and then he swam back out and successfully surfed his way in past the section of strong current.  I was reminded of so many things it would take a novel to fully articulate.  In summary, as I watched the scene before me I realized that there will be times in life we can flow with the current.  When we struggle against the current, we just won't get anywhere.  If you don't give up and you keep on trying, help will eventually come along and if you accept that help and allow it to be, you'll make your way out of what keeps you held back and struggling.  Then too, I came back to the fact that these were children out in the water.  We're all like children out at sea trying to find the perfect wave or current that will carry us where we think we want to go.  Sometimes the current will change and if we find ourselves opposing the flow, we'll struggle until we find a way to go around it or use it to our advantage.  So many more thoughts blow through my mind like this sea breeze as I sat there watching and then it came, yet again - the voice of the sea and echoes of Elsewhere and I thought, "Could this day or this moment be any more perfect than it is."  It was a perfect moment.  I was feeling so much love running through memories and letting my thoughts find purchase in curiosity and hope.  Those two things, curiosity and hope...they are the tools of transformation and joy. 

I didn't stay at the beach long today.  I was eager to head back home and find Nick and his brother on FB.  I found them and well, I hope I get the chance to catch up with them and that reminds me it's time to check in on Mahlee.  I've not heard from her in a while and would like to know how she is.  Easy to remedy thanks to Social Networking!  Life is good.  No, not just good but REALLY good.  I'm grateful in this moment for every single moment I have had to breathe here on Earth.  I just really am.  I hope you look back on your life from time to time to see just how perfect certain events unfolded with pure purpose even if you couldn't see it at the time.  If you can see this, just one event, no doubt it'll have you smiling knowing the Universe is amazing, this life is a Treasure!  Be blessed!

(c) 2012 photo/words Jaie Hart *Names changed to protect privacy. :)

Seeing Clearly

I watched storm clouds roll in last night off the coast.  They were huge white clouds that appeared to be rolling and tumbling like waves onto the shore.  For a brief moment, I watched a large mushroom shaped cloud with tendrils hanging all the way to the ground.  I had never seen anything like it in my life and then suddenly it disappeared and reformed into a typical cloud right before my eyes.  I was immensely grateful since I was driving right into it.  It was a good feeling knowing the instability was calming as I was headed into that situation.  It reminded me of my life.  So often have I seen very tense and seemingly untenable situations on the horizon only to head right into it seeing that it’s not so bad and definitively NOT insurmountable.  I spent most of the rest of the late day and evening watching the clouds—winds of change carving and shaping clouds into miraculous pieces of temporary art.  It was quite beautiful.  When the sun finally dipped over the horizons, the sky was just absolutely amazing.  I wanted to head down to the coast but sadly, I was just too tired to make the trip.  It’s been a very long seeming couple of weeks with time barely seeming to move.  I think that when that happens, it’s time to pay attention.

The past year has flown by for me in a day and I had gotten used to it and suddenly, time slows down and I feel, hear and see things differently.  That has been part of my goal of late – to see things not as I ‘think’ they are but as they truly are.  I see the themes in my own life, the ones that repeat and I realize they repeat because I have not yet seen the truth.  The universe in its infinite wisdom brings me opportunity after opportunity to see the truth and so I go within to understand at a much deeper level why?  What is it that I have unconsciously created?  What is it that I fail to see time and time again?  These questions are a very good place to start.  However, rather than seek to beat myself up for those things I have unconsciously created in the past, I will shift my focus onto what I wish to consciously create…the real truth.  I think the only thing I can come back to and feel on solid ground about is that if nothing else, I can stand in my own light…not the shades others attempt to paint for me…but in my own light.  As much as I have unconsciously created in my world, others have also participated unconsciously creating and now that I look back, I see so much so very differently.  It brings me hope and comfort.  It is as if I meet myself in the light of truth for the very first time and now, now I can let go of the assumptions I have held as truth for far too long.  When you can stand in your own light, bravely…courageously…and completely unafraid to see the truth about you and use the love within you to see the truth about others, things, situations well…Well, it changes something within you.

I come back to my memory of the clouds again and see them perfectly formed.  I see the ragged lines joined to perfectly painted opalescent soft lines that expand and grow the moment I focus my attention on them.  I am reminded in the sky right in front of me a truth I have always known but misapplied many times.  What you focus on…the thoughts you hold inside of you about what you see—these are the seeds from which what you plant will grow and flourish.  It’s a beautiful design and so perfectly tuned to each soul as they dream and create within this larger dream we call life.  I stand under the same sky today and I see not a single cloud but the rays of the rising sun.  I am at peace and it is those thoughts I shall hold close and in clear focus today.  The truth is, I am the creator of everything in my world and I have designed everything perfectly and in just the way I most needed things to be.  Now, I understand.  As a new day dawns I find an interesting freedom that blows through my soul.  I stand in awe.  Blessings dear souls.  May you find the truth within you, be courageous enough to face you and find the strength always to stand in your own light! 

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo is a beautiful random internet find)

Feeling My Way Through

Emotion struck out of the blue and before I knew it, I was headed towards the coast.  The sun was getting ready to set and the sky had already begun to turn a hazy gold as the fog began to slowly roll in off the coast.  I turned up the stereo so loud I could feel it.  I love to drive when I need to think.  There is something about having total focus on the road that frees the mind to put forth ideas while being temporarily removed from your normal surroundings.  My coastal contemplations always leave me feeling so much more peaceful and peace was what I needed.

As soon as I got close to Pacific Coast Highway and caught sight of the water, the rush of emotion hit me like a tsunami.  I didn’t even try to stop it and never do.  Sometimes in life we carry things, burdens and thoughts that we are not even aware of.  I’m so guilty of that sometimes.  I’m a trooper in my life.  I just keep going and pushing through things without giving myself enough quiet alone time to just feel, be and think.  But thankfully, the body can speak and it will through emotion.  Whenever I feel it and I just go with it, I find my body will just purge itself of any emotion that has been pent up.  When I listen to my body and let it fulfill it's need to feel emotion, it usually ends up being a beautiful experience for me even if a little painful for a time. 

I found a parking spot in the first place I looked, pulled the truck in and just sat there a few moments collecting myself watching that gorgeous light radiant orb as it sat silent in the sky.  It was so beautiful to me in that moment.  It looked like it was perfectly hung in the sky.  I just wished, for a moment, some clouds would gather around it.  Disregarding that thought for a moment, I grabbed my camera, my sun glasses and headed towards the water.  The breeze was cool and the gulls were just migrating back from inland haunts.  They return to the shore about this time each night.  I watched them soar letting my thoughts wander through memories of Jonathan Livingston Seagull.   In thinking of that story I let myself feel the loneliness that had snuck up on me unnoticed.  My goal was to grab a thought, any thought and just feel my way through it and then worry about dissecting it for origins later.  Sometimes, the sources of emotion are not as important as just feeling it without thought or judgement.  The body sometimes just needs to feel its way through emotion and everything returns to normal.

After about 30 minutes, the emotion began to subside.  I stopped sky gazing briefly to take a phone call and when I was almost done, I noticed some clouds had nestled perfectly around the sun and the golden hazy colored sky was beginning to turn bronze and opalescent pink and orange.  Struck by the sheer beauty, I readied my camera to take a few more shots.  I found my core standing there watching the sunset as my mind ran lightening speed through this lifetime and beyond.  There are things, experiences and people I am so incredibly grateful for.  There are also some I sorely miss.  I sighed a moment as I decided to let go of the rest of the emotion and I stood there breathing in the golden rays of the sun.  I noticed that it felt like the emotion was literally being  pulled out of me as if the waves took every ounce of emotion in me away.  A few more breaths and I was completely at peace.  I stood there a few moments longer recollecting this last year on this Earth.  It has really been amazing and wonderful.  I have realized the importance of appreciating experience and being grateful for those who brought experiences and life lessons to me.  Thank you – all of you, who have crossed my path in this life and others.  Things may change and we’ll come and go in each other’s lives but we’ll always have the experience, the memories and the beautiful lessons learned.

The sun has now set behind the clouds and all warmth has left the air.  It’s time to go home, I think.  I took one last look at the clouds that now fully covered the sun.  Dark gray clouds etched in fiery orange was an absolute pleasure to witness.  I could feel my consciousness pulled into the view and again, I was grateful.  I'm stalling now because it's so gorgeous standing here.  I really need to get home though.  I've got family there who love me and I'm eager to see them.  I realized as I made my way back to the truck just how blessed I am to exist in this life, to see the things I see and to feel everything I feel.  Life is really an amazing privilege and I'm really happy to be here.  I leave the beach smiling.

(c) 2012, Jaie Hart (words and photo)