Friday, March 30, 2012

Feeling My Way Through

Emotion struck out of the blue and before I knew it, I was headed towards the coast.  The sun was getting ready to set and the sky had already begun to turn a hazy gold as the fog began to slowly roll in off the coast.  I turned up the stereo so loud I could feel it.  I love to drive when I need to think.  There is something about having total focus on the road that frees the mind to put forth ideas while being temporarily removed from your normal surroundings.  My coastal contemplations always leave me feeling so much more peaceful and peace was what I needed.

As soon as I got close to Pacific Coast Highway and caught sight of the water, the rush of emotion hit me like a tsunami.  I didn’t even try to stop it and never do.  Sometimes in life we carry things, burdens and thoughts that we are not even aware of.  I’m so guilty of that sometimes.  I’m a trooper in my life.  I just keep going and pushing through things without giving myself enough quiet alone time to just feel, be and think.  But thankfully, the body can speak and it will through emotion.  Whenever I feel it and I just go with it, I find my body will just purge itself of any emotion that has been pent up.  When I listen to my body and let it fulfill it's need to feel emotion, it usually ends up being a beautiful experience for me even if a little painful for a time. 

I found a parking spot in the first place I looked, pulled the truck in and just sat there a few moments collecting myself watching that gorgeous light radiant orb as it sat silent in the sky.  It was so beautiful to me in that moment.  It looked like it was perfectly hung in the sky.  I just wished, for a moment, some clouds would gather around it.  Disregarding that thought for a moment, I grabbed my camera, my sun glasses and headed towards the water.  The breeze was cool and the gulls were just migrating back from inland haunts.  They return to the shore about this time each night.  I watched them soar letting my thoughts wander through memories of Jonathan Livingston Seagull.   In thinking of that story I let myself feel the loneliness that had snuck up on me unnoticed.  My goal was to grab a thought, any thought and just feel my way through it and then worry about dissecting it for origins later.  Sometimes, the sources of emotion are not as important as just feeling it without thought or judgement.  The body sometimes just needs to feel its way through emotion and everything returns to normal.

After about 30 minutes, the emotion began to subside.  I stopped sky gazing briefly to take a phone call and when I was almost done, I noticed some clouds had nestled perfectly around the sun and the golden hazy colored sky was beginning to turn bronze and opalescent pink and orange.  Struck by the sheer beauty, I readied my camera to take a few more shots.  I found my core standing there watching the sunset as my mind ran lightening speed through this lifetime and beyond.  There are things, experiences and people I am so incredibly grateful for.  There are also some I sorely miss.  I sighed a moment as I decided to let go of the rest of the emotion and I stood there breathing in the golden rays of the sun.  I noticed that it felt like the emotion was literally being  pulled out of me as if the waves took every ounce of emotion in me away.  A few more breaths and I was completely at peace.  I stood there a few moments longer recollecting this last year on this Earth.  It has really been amazing and wonderful.  I have realized the importance of appreciating experience and being grateful for those who brought experiences and life lessons to me.  Thank you – all of you, who have crossed my path in this life and others.  Things may change and we’ll come and go in each other’s lives but we’ll always have the experience, the memories and the beautiful lessons learned.

The sun has now set behind the clouds and all warmth has left the air.  It’s time to go home, I think.  I took one last look at the clouds that now fully covered the sun.  Dark gray clouds etched in fiery orange was an absolute pleasure to witness.  I could feel my consciousness pulled into the view and again, I was grateful.  I'm stalling now because it's so gorgeous standing here.  I really need to get home though.  I've got family there who love me and I'm eager to see them.  I realized as I made my way back to the truck just how blessed I am to exist in this life, to see the things I see and to feel everything I feel.  Life is really an amazing privilege and I'm really happy to be here.  I leave the beach smiling.

(c) 2012, Jaie Hart (words and photo)

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