Fallish Contemplations - Waxing Philosophical - Spiritual

 

I think when the Universe was seemingly taking a baseball bat to every structure in life that I built, I tended to write a lot more.  As I wrote about this or that, I tended to start to sort things out so I could try to figure things out.  This went on for years and years and then something happened.  Well, maybe it was a string of things but one day, I opened my eyes and there was nothing there but peace after a night of dreams where everything seemed to be in my favor.  I thought, is it over?  Is the chaos of quadruple PhD level life lessons coming all at once finally over?  Well, maybe not but the intensity of emotion and the victim feelings and also the feeling of emotional upheaval and panic was definitely was over.

 

What came in the place of all that chaotic emotion?  To put it simply, Understanding…not just of the universe and all of its many and infinitely varied machinations, not just of psychology and how in each of us healthy psychology is dotted with moments of a childhood (and past lives even) frozen within us in time creating actions, unconscious reactions and the like. That understanding left me with greater compassion and a very clear knowing that the world is not black and white – it is gray, violet, red, green, blue, turquoise, white, fuchsia, orange and hot pink!  It left me with greater understanding of what I remained open to, what I was closed to and what I remained ever so curious about.  I’ll be honest, years and years of upheaval triggered a kundalini awakening nearly 10 years ago and then everything sort of fell apart belief-wise within me.  It all started to dissolve – what I wanted for a career, illusions about family, friendships and what makes us good or bad or wrong or right.  They should really have more clinical help for those who go through a kundalini awakening.  It is a physical-mental-spiritual crisis-like experience that can take years to sort out (if you ever sort it all out).

 

In a way, it helps to purge those things within us that really no longer serve if (and that is a very big IF) and only if you are willing to let things go, remain curious enough to see more sides than just your limited experience and perceptions of things (which are incredibly shaped by your psychology – yep).  The further I got from my peak experience, the harder it became for me to write about anything.  I sort of lost my interest in trying to figure everything out and instead, as much as I could, I tried to just focus more on beingmore present, breathing, letting things and people be as they are and learn to fully trust myself to show up and deal with whatever showed up on my path.  And I have and I know that I will continue to do so (even if I have to do that scared sometimes).

 

Heavy duty and prolonged emotional stress takes a toll on a body and mind.  If you do not change the way you look at things or the limited beliefs that perhaps unwittingly skewed your perspective up to the point you encounter intense and prolonged stress, you may fold up within it.  That's not necessarily a bad thing - to fold up within it and take some extra time and self-care to manage it. Our fear of that happening is actually worse than it is.  I had a near nervous breakdown within months of my kundalini experience.  In my best recollection it seems like so many unconscious things were attempting to resolve themselves lightning fast (more quickly than I could contemplate what was going on, prepare to manage and respond to).  I worked through that period carefully, with tons of help and support and I finally came out the other side not unscathed but stronger.  Not just stronger but more grounded, settled, self-reliant, more willing to show up for and stand up for myself, more willing to follow my inner urgings of what I want and need most, and more able to take things as they come. 

 

I don’t have all the answers I thought a kundalini experience would bring but I got to feel something that is beyond words. In memory, it now seems like it was an experience of conscious me touching the purest part of the soul of my higher self – no judgement, no fear, no worry, just utter love and complete acceptance within a beautiful moment in time.  I guess when you touch something like that, it is bound to change you and I do, in fact, feel very changed.  Now, back to what reminded me of all of this...  It was the shockingly vibrant and gorgeous colors of the setting sun the other night.  So many colors I can’t even name but neon red, pink, orange and yellow, pastel blue, pink and purple, smokey gray, light gray and punctuated beautiful by stars.  Yeah, stars – the first ones in the fading light that followed.  In that moment, the beauty was so pure and simple, it reminded me of my kundalini experience – the explosion of colors that you don’t just see but feel and hear, touch and taste in this inexplicable way no one has every prepared you to experience.  It was a good memory.  It was truly a beautiful sunset. 

 

As the color slowly drained from the sky, the fiery display having peaked and now waning, I looked back at how far I have come in my life, the decisions made, actions taken, hard work completed and even some still ongoing.  I sat there in the nearing dark for many quiet moments smiling from ear to ear and feeling the Earth turning deep within the soul of me.  This is a good life.  I love this life.  I love all who are experiencing it at this time.  I love all who have come before, those who will come again and those who have yet to come.  Wishing you blessings for sense making of your life lessons, healing for all the things that pain you, patience for all the things that vex you and compassion for every moment you need it. 

 

© 2021 J.L. Harter (photo and words)

Comfort with the Unknown

I do not wish to be known by the things that vex me most and so I write about the things I aspire to achieve, the states I aspire to reach and the frames of reference I most wish to hold in this world.  As I cut a path through lavender fields of Jacaranda blossoms on the way to work yesterday, I realized that I had not written in quite a while.  I’ve not gone out to take pictures, drawn, painted or taken an aware stroll in nature.  My life has not been about those things of late.  So, what have they been about some might wonder?  I would say, “Experience and the perceptions of my experiences in the absence of judgment.”  Following a period of just being with my thoughts, just being with my perceptions without any desire to change anything, well, it changed everything.

I cannot begin to pull you into the journey I have taken these last many months of existence in my frame.  It would be too difficult, too boring and at the same time, too unbelievable.  I may even be a bit premature in my venturing out of my voluntary silence and solitude of sorts.  But, none-the-less, I am here – we are all here just living, loving, learning, leaving and starting over and over again in the minutes we weave into the days, weeks and years of our lives.

Some observations of late and conclusions I have temporarily arrived at is that I can no longer write and tell you what is right, what is wrong, what is blue, yellow, red or purple.  I cannot tell you precisely what I have experienced because to do so I would have to commit to believing that any of it happened the way I perceived it.  Truth be told, I’m not really sure what the truth is any more about anything.  In some ways, I suppose, a tiny break in my former reality is where I’ve been while continuing to exist, work and function within it.  That is quite a strange experience, I must say but an incredibly valuable one.  I have lost myself in sensation, the richness, the aliveness, the beingness for no other reason than I could.  I have not changed and yet, I cannot say that I have not completely gone and left everything that was me behind me, or, well, maybe I have recovered a more authentic version?  What I find today is there are many things I once feared, that I fear no longer.  There are things I never thought of before that I now think of and realize that no matter how bright I am, I can never reach the nth of the nuances my mind craves to reach.  I  just can’t “brain-that” or try to any more.  A part of my once very blind optimism has disintegrated not into reality but rather into an extreme sense of presence that I can claim neither as realism nor optimism any longer.  I like idealism but that isn’t reality either.  I rather prefer a new space or frame and that is one of neutrality, joyful, benign and calming neutrality.

I tire of those who require me to choose a side, choose Democrat or Republican, choose dark or light, choose in or out; define yourself by labels?  No.  I no longer wish to.  Whether I do or not I’ll be judged by the perception of others and even that judgment has no bearing on my perception of reality.  It may color my experience lonely or full but what is that any way?  Why is it important?  Do we not already place an over abundance of importance on things that don’t really add to the totality of the whole of existence with any true significance?  I do not wish to settle for the superficiality of existence any more and I also do not wish to let this psychological core of my existence drive me into behaviors or actions I’ll just have to later suffer until I gain the lessons great from which I may learn and prosper or succeed in life in some way. What if there is no “succeeding” and what if we are already quite prosperous in our ability to take breath, exist, dream, sleep, wake, enjoy a morsel or beverage or the rays of the sun dancing on the rooftops followed by starlight chasing away the chill of the night?

As I said, it is possible I am a bit premature in my venturing back into the world of writing and blogging.  More time yet may be needed to just sink into the newness of sensation, satisfactory existence, beautiful and blissful neutrality, balance and equanimity.  I don’t know.  I may publish this even if it is difficult to follow because it is real and it is me right now.  I’m happy and sad, I’m elated and mad.  I love this life immensely and I shall no longer fear it.  I want to really live it.  The time I have spent sorting through my thoughts and tapping them out like mad on these keys may or may not be coming to somewhat of a close.  Perhaps it is just a momentary transformation.  We are continually transforming in every breath and step that we take into a newness of being we know not the true origins of and that is just simply okay.  It doesn’t matter.  Past lives, do not matter.  Future lives do not matter.  Who you’ve been matters not, who you’ve planned to become matters not.  What really matters is this one moment that you are in – how do you feel – what do you feel?  Can you find any form of gratitude in that?  If you can – good for you.  Step one and done.  Life is amazing, let us never forget this.   The boring drudgery of the day in and day out can dull your senses to the point of sheer madness and senselessness.  It’s okay. Just let it be. Breathe in and out and feel the unique essence of your body, your energy, your presence right here and now.  Maybe, there is nothing else and maybe that is perfect.  The search truly is over.  The new frontier is where we’ve always been and will ever long be.  Not knowing is the cause and acceptance is the key.  Blessings for your perfect journey.

 

© 2016 Jaie Hart (photo and words)

Grandma's Porch

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In just a few days’ time, I will have completed my 49^th year on planet Earth in our Milky-way Galaxy and will enter into the cycle of endeavoring to complete my 50^th year.  I’m quite thoughtful this time of year for many reasons and I’ll share something personal with you that I’ve shared near every year for the past 22.  My father died on September 14, 1993 just 15 days after his 48^th birthday.  When I had completed my 48^th year last year, it struck me with a great well of sadness that I would see more here in this beautiful world than my father had the opportunity to do.  Once again my soul is gripped with this thought and the emotion that comes so strongly with it.  Tomorrow would have been his 70^th Birthday. 

It is in tribute to my Father and his Birthday that I reflect here this morning.  I’m grateful that I knew him even for the short time I did.  The 22^nd anniversary of his departure from this plane approaches.  I’ve done somethings he’d have been so proud of.  So many moons ago, on a day like today or a night like the last, we’d have sat on Grandma’s porch and gazed at the stars contemplating the myriad theories and philosophies of existence, shooting stars, consciousness and our origins.  These are things I dearly love today.  From those very precious conversations while my mind was still so young and impressionable was born a true love of philosophy and a dire need for Marianna’s Trench deep conversation and continuous learning just to really feel goodness and true beauty of life.

There was nothing superficial about my father.  He was authentic, so very sensitive on the inside and so very strong on the outside.  He was so wise in so many unbelievable things that I was always awestruck by the thoughts in his head that he readily shared with me.  Life kept me so very busy in his last years that I never got the chance to tell him how much those conversations on Grandma’s porch meant to me.  I never got to tell him how much I loved his philosophical conversations.  He’ll never know that he was the impetus that drove me to continuously seek knowledge and understanding of everything under this sun.  Not that I know it all now for the further I go, surely I have discovered I know nothing but the fact that there is so much I have yet to learn.  But even that is a wondrous gift.  For in that mere understanding I realize I still have time to seek and to learn and to dig deeper into the heart of our existence and to share what I have learned as he so willingly and lovingly shared with me.

And all of this was born from so many childhood conversations when most thought I was too little or too young to understand.  At six years old we sat there on Grandma’s porch and watched the stars and talked about physics and astronomy.  At 9 years old we sat there and talked on hot summer nights about anything and everything in life.  At 12 years old we’d sit on the porch and watch the pouring rain, hear the thunder boom and roar and watching the lightning crackle across the sky with the excitement of two children where only one stood.  At 21 years of age, we’d share a beer and talk about the philosophy of anything and everything – from human behavior, to ancient astronauts, to astronomy and the many theories of our human origins.  I'd later in life learn that so many learned scholars know what my father intuitively knew.  My father never went to college.  He seemed to intuitively know everything about everything and I was so blessed to be his daughter.

In tribute I’d like to share some words just for him whether he sees them or not, I do know that he’ll feel them some how.  So, Dad, where ever it is that you are now – although my heart still aches from missing you and I can hardly see the screen on my computer to type this annual share in tribute to your life and to my complete gratitude that you existed for the short time you did here, I just want to thank you for the time that you spent here with me on Earth.  I just want you to know that I loved you above all else and that I deeply appreciate how difficult your life was but want to honor you for completing the toughest job of raising not one but two head strong kids pretty much on your own in the crazy world that we lived in.  You did a really great job and you were a really great dad.  You were and will always be like Superman to me (dad did love those comics).  Thank you Dad.  I love you and Happy Birthday.

 

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© 2015 Dr. J.L. Harter aka Jaie Hart (photo:  Google images edited by me)

I and the Moment Are One

Cloudy skies and the sun paints the edges of the clouds in silvery golden light.  My consciousness stretched out wide again, I’m opening to whatever thoughts may come.  I am not disappointed for they do come but not in their usual frenetic cacophony but more of a peaceful swirl of curiosity and questioning.  As I notice the motion of them inside, just one begins to rise to the surface:  What do you believe in?  I let the thought linger in the present and reflect upon it without trying to think too much about it.  From my studies in psychology and consciousness I could tear apart most things I believe.  But I don’t give much credence to my beliefs as I see them for what they are, thousands and thousands of thought forms existing within my head as untested hypotheses or provisional truths stated or derived as fact from the outside world of my own perspectives.

There is a feeling within me growing in response to my own question and I relax and let it culminate into conscious cognition.  It comes then, the response:  I believe in this moment.  For in this moment, there is both nothing and everything from the microcosm to the quantum whole of all of reality.  And then I wonder a little more as I let my thoughts gently float into and out of my awareness.  More questions than answers I presume as a measure of my learning and another becomes more clear:  How do you know that this moment exists at all?  I consider these questions and answers reflect in the form of feeling rather than thinking and the swirling then stops.  The thoughts now still have me reaching with my senses again.  I can only seemingly know a moment by the way I sense the moment, by the way I am present in that moment but that brings me no further certainty that it exists definitively outside the scope of my perception.

I’m not the first to wonder of such things and I certainly won’t be the last.  But I like this mental meandering of sorts and its accompanying ever-expanding feeling and so stay with it a bit more wondering where it will lead me.  I trace with a glance, a bank of clouds moving a little faster and lower on the horizon than the larger and darker ones nearer the sun.  I watch the city come fully awake and am wandering amongst a concrete jungle.  So many thoughts beg for attention and I quell them focused on one breath in this moment.  This moment to me is very much like a wave on a sea.  When we are in the midst of a moment there is no before or after, there is no past or future and there is no worry or care.  I like how that feels but it doesn’t answer my question or address my seeming belief in the validity of a moment.  Perhaps a moment isn’t a moment at all but a collective of moments woven by chains in hours and minutes or days and years.  I cannot say with any definitive certainty, for who am I to say anything definitive or certain about anything even my own measure of consciousness? I think I am awake and driving my car down the busy highway.  I see that there are buildings and people walking.  I see there are other drivers driving and still I can’t decide so with certainty that they exist.  I perceive something but a perception, like belief, is not a fact.  It seems so, both – perception and belief.  They seem like truth but time and time again are we proven wrong by science, experience or our own first hand observation from a much higher level of consciousness we may find ourselves momentarily engaged in.

I think the moment is as others have described and being fully present within it is like a surfer on top of a wave, there is no more waiting for it to come or considering it after, there is only the ride in the moment it has become manifest.  To think about those moments awakens a part of our experience that takes the pure and pristine beauty of a moment away.  Every moment is precious whether here, gone or yet to come.  All of time is an expression of our own perception and I’ve had these experiences where time has stopped or sped by extraordinarily fast.  Does it stand on its own outside of my experience?  I could easily argue both yes and no.  Did yesterday exist?  In my perception it did at least as my perception of my own memories tell me.  Will tomorrow exist?  Maybe. I don’t know if it will.  Does today exist?  I think that it does as I hear the wind chimes outside playing a wind facilitated beautiful tune, while the leaves shiver and shake in the sea breeze and I hear the birds singing as well.  But I must admit that each of these things is filtered through the perception that is the way I see the world.  Who is to say that I am right?  What if I’m wrong?

How does one master true understanding then of anything when all we think we know is based only on perception or belief?  I believe in this moment, I thought only moments ago.  But there are other moments I believed in too and now they are gone except in the confines of my conscious memory.  What is more real in my consciousness, that which stands before me or that recalled from memory?  If I go with feeling alone there is no answer and my feelings seem to react the same to memory or “real-time.”  But what is real-time but a moment in motion?  I cannot say even what a moment is or whether it truly exists or doesn’t but I exist as I observe it.  Am I separate at all then, in my consciousness from this moment?  Am I separate at all then in my consciousness from my perceptions or beliefs?  Again, I could answer both yes and no.  But something doesn’t sit right with the feeling within me.

If I throw out all of my thoughts and just be, I am content, sensing an ever expanding existence of consciousness of the big “C” kind.  Is that the Moment?  Are we creating them, the moments?  Do they exist in our memory, our souls or our Spirits or are we sitting in some etheric movie theatre somewhere…Elsewhere watching some form of educational movie we call life?  From a momentary experience I suppose it doesn’t matter whether when I am asleep I dream or I perceive myself awake even if by other standards I am still very much asleep.  My logical mind grasps for the themes, the patterns and the constants and there is only one and that one is most easily expressed as “I.”  Anything in this world or the next may follow that one tiny little letter in our very short alphabet that has meaning beyond that which 100,000 dictionaries, encyclopedias or academics of all sorts could define.  We can all describe a piece from our learning and from our respective perspectives but how much closer does that bring us to understanding a Moment?  I think the Moment is aligned with I.  I and the Moment are one in a way that may make no sense at all.

But it’s fun to toy with my thoughts as the leaves glow brilliant green on the trees and the clouds give way to cerulean blue skies and every single line and angle in my perspective is etched in both dark and light.  Now, in this moment, I have found yet again a tiny little space of peace in having no answers but questions, curiosity with coming knowledge and feeling.  What would a moment be without a feeling?  That, I suppose is a question for another time. 

May you find joy in your life’s moments for all are truly precious in whatever manner you perceive them to be.  May the light brilliantly shine upon the dark shadows of all of your perceptions and beliefs.  In time illumination comes for those who know it will and already has.

© J.L. Harter (photo/words)

Courtesy of the Journal of Metaphysics and Connected Consciousness.