Monday, January 16, 2017

A Split Decision and Peace

I had occasion to visit a local theme park a few days ago.  Aside from letting my inner child out with much excitement, I made an unexpected discovery.  I’ve never been one for amusement park rides or fast-moving roller-coasters that take you way up high away from the Earth’s normal pull on your being and let you free fall quickly back down.  There is a feeling in it that I just never cared for.  To describe it might sound strange or to some of you, not but its that tightening sensation at the core of my being during free fall that I just never ever liked.  I don’t care for the feeling of gravity forces on me at any rate of speed.  I guess I just never found any joy in it.

Well, upon my recent visit to the “Happiest place on Earth,” I went on one of those rides…not a big one or a fast one, mind you, but one with a bit of a drop.  This time as I  approached the few seconds before the drop I knew would be coming, instead of tensing up, I let go.  I let go and let whatever would happen, happen.  The rise in the darkness came and then the drop and I relaxed so fully into the experience of it I felt near out of body.  Time slowed in my consciousness and I felt a very familiar sensation.  It was nearly just like that moment in the void during my NDE (Near Death Experience) where there was no motion, no body to tense, no light, no anything but just me, my consciousness and a presence.  Well, that is what I felt this time.  I let go so fully without any concern.  I found myself for mere seconds in a state where nothing in my life held any significance for me and that meant, there was nothing for me to fight against.  In that moment "life" as I knew it didn’t hold significance because I knew whether I tensed up or relaxed, all was going to be as it was.  It needed no interference from me focused or not and it would go on as it was meant to.  It's hard to put the exact sentiment into words.

When I reached the bottom of the drop, my senses came back to me with the sounds of rushing water and the screaming of exhilaration from the children I traveled on the ride with (grown up ones too) and I just smiled from somewhere deep inside of my being.  I knew what was coming, I knew I didn’t care for the feeling of gravity pulling me back to Earth but I enjoyed it truly for the first time in this life.  Now, I’ll not be setting my sights on bigger and faster roller-coasters for that just isn’t my way.  I don’t derive joy from getting a fix of my own adrenaline.  Every day life does that enough for me, honestly.  But, I did feel a sense of triumph.  Not for making it through the amusement park ride but rather for a moment of letting go so completely that I felt myself disappear into a place of pure peace, quiet and freedom.  I can’t explain it any better than that.

It was a perfect day in every other way but in this moment, I found the day to be extraordinary and it took the least amount of effort.  It took only a split second decision to shift my focus from a point of resistance to a point of complete and total surrender and I have to tell you that it freed a part of my psyche in a way I can’t say I’ve enjoyed much in my life.  Now, I don’t intend to run around the rest of my life extrapolating tiny moments of decision making to give myself a little buzz of triumph but I will hold gratitude for every moment that I am granted and have wits about me enough to recognize that in much of this life I am given a choice in terms of how I will experience something.  That, to me, is an epic outcome to a simple and yet at times very complex, adventure…Life.

Copyright 2017, (photo and words), Jaie Hart

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