The Toxicity of Gossip: A Heavy and Dark Path From Which to Learn

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We don’t think about it very much but perhaps we should.  Engaging in or propagating gossip is toxic for both the bearer of it and the receiver.  I hear gossip constantly and while I understand it deeply at a psychological level, I have to tell you that there is something within me that sinks and cringes whenever I hear it.  Now, having said that, I think there is a difference between momentarily venting when you’ve missed those Nano seconds to seek true understanding and have taken something into self and engaging in something wholly unhealthy due to pure psychology.  The Oz Principle, by Roger Conners talks about giving yourselves a moment to vent below the line, realize you are just venting and then bring yourself back above the line.  With Senn-Delaney (the culture shaping firm) concepts, which I also love, they acknowledge that as humans we react at a certain level in the negative when under stress but can bring ourselves back up to a level of curious which is neutral.

I wish more of the populace had exposure to these principles and guides so they would better understand why we operate the way we do.  I have to admit that I love these two specific sources of understanding that I’ve mentioned.  I also have to say that we can go deeper with our understanding by just cutting straight to the heart of a few things about life:

1.     No matter what we go through, we are going to experience something only from our ego’s very limited perspective.  That limited perspective is formed by our environmental psychology and its resulting conditioning.

2.     The ego seeks to protect itself first and foremost so will deny it’s part in any wrong doing, make assumptions and seek revenge if it feels in any way threatened by its conditioning even if passive-aggressively.

3.     The level to which you are affected by or engage in any of these things depends upon your own personal growth and development.  Everyone operates at a different level, please understand.

4.     We seek these experiences on purpose to learn from and hopefully some day, transcend.

At some point when we tire of the toxic engagement and stop doing the same things we’ve always done just to receive the same result, we may seek understanding instead.  Once you understand that your perspectives and assumptions are not truth, you’ve just lost half of anything there is to gossip about or become ensnared with.  When you reach for understanding and take the next step, setting boundaries for your own level of engagement, you realize you neither have to engage in the toxicity of gossip or take it in to you (as Mooji might say) when someone brings it to you.

Please understand, that gossip, assumption from skewed perception, victimizing thoughts and revenge all come from a wounded space of the armor that is our own egos as well as the ego's conditioning.  Just understand that and realize you don’t have to do anything about it.  The ego judges its safety and security by the level at which everyone else is perceived to reside within.  The ego does not, however, perceive the truth.  Thankfully within you there is the alternate experiencer who bears witness to all you see, hear, feel and engage in and seems quite separate, the observer (as Eckart Tolle and many other luminaries write about).  From that watcher or observer, if you will, stems true feeling once you learn to tune in and listen to it.  Your own inner voice is no voice at all…but is rather a very wonderful inner guide in the form of feelings (sometimes physical ones if need be) that exists as part of your being.

The next time you engage in gossip or receive it, I want you to pay very close attention to your solar plexus area or your heart area…does it feel a bit tight?  Does it feel like it’s sinking?  Does it feel like there is something not quite right like fear, dread, anxiety, or even a faster heart beat? Provided you do not suffer some form of sociopathic tendencies, you’ll notice that feeling and that feeling is a message.  That message is trying to tell you something – that something is either to stop blaming, victimizing, comparing, contrasting or trying to make yourself better at the expense of someone else you have most likely inaccurately perceived, or you are sensing what someone else is bringing you is just truly toxic and no good for you.

I dislike gossip.  I do not like how it feels.  I am a human being also and if I miss that Nano second to grab understanding instead of the ego’s perception, I’m going to need to vent my emotion just like the next person.  The only difference is that I find even as I begin to speak, my own body starts to tell me I’m wrong.  It starts to tell me through feeling that I’m not seeing the whole picture and so what I have judged may be inaccurate and that I may be missing an opportunity to get calm and centered and seek truth through real understanding rather than assuming my own assumptions are facts.  What I begin to understand is that my emotion is based on an illusion and so, may not be necessary.  That emotion must be understood better before acted upon.  Emotion based on assumption cannot be fact until validated.  Assumption, if left unchecked forms belief. Belief engages egoic emotion.  Before long this process leaves you with a mess of anxiety, anger and hurt feelings.  Understanding that belief is untested hypothesis, assumption is only deduction from information without the facts validated and that you can free yourself from generating or taking in toxicity is one of the key modes of self-actualization.  When we face these egoic emotions, the better cause of valor is to stop all action and go for a walk, breathe in and breathe out – repeat until the egoic emotion stops and we recenter ourselves in normal reality whatever that is for each of us.  Then, with a calm and cool head, go validate the facts and respond accordingly with  a compassion for self and understanding for others (this does not mean be a doormat - this means seek the truth and respond in a healthy way for you and others).

So, we are human in form at the moment.  We seek out interactions from which to learn.  We grow when we understand the life lesson presented over and over again.  Gossip is an opportunity to learn.  You can hear it and not let it in.  You can stop yourself from engaging in it by being accountable and honest with yourself about assumption and perception.  If you can do this, you can learn to operate from a healthy space of compassion.  This is an optimal state from which to learn and live positively in a way that helps you create and learn differently.  It takes change to learn and grow. Why not shift your own perspectives into a higher gear and steer clear of the one thing that will drag you down like cement shoes?  One more thought I’ll leave you with, if you, like me – tend to be the receiver of gossip, instead of taking it in, ask questions about the assumptions others are making.  The payoff of gossip is not worth anything the ego might think it will gain.  Just food for thought.

Blessings of higher love, compassion, healing and understanding beautiful dreamers!

 

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©  2015 Jaie Hart

A Life Lacking Authenticity = A Long, Dark and Lonely Road

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What is it within us that keeps us tied to someone else’s ideal of who or what we should be?  I think within us lives a primal fear from days long gone of being eliminated from the pack, shunned or otherwise humiliated for being authentically who we truly are.

I was reminded of these thoughts yesterday while out and about.  A simple thing no one but my partner and I noticed, but there was a woman walking down the street.  She wore brightly colored clothing that did not match.  It was partly cool ethnic, partly hippie and partly beach casual.  Absolutely nothing in her attire was in sync;  not the style, not the colors and certainly not the mixed prints.  She was a beautiful woman I thought, maybe somewhere in her forties.  My partner commented on her dress and wondered about it.  I let my senses go out and feel for what it might be that gave her the inspiration for her choice in attire.  Now mind you that I can only filter through my own perception of this reality I experience but what I felt was a spirit true to herself.  I didn’t sense mental illness, lacking awareness of fashion, drug-induced ignorance, color blindness or anything else.  I saw a soul comfortably walking her own way.  And you know what?  I respected and appreciated it so much.

Admittedly, I am a recovering co-dependent people pleaser.  I have lived most of my life trying to be what every one else thought I should be from an A student, to a star team player to a perfect wife and mother.  None of these things could I ever measure up to for long in the eyes of another.  Eventually I’d fail to live up to an ideal and oh the wicked lashing I’d get then.  Not from those with the expectations of me but from my own mind.  That, in my opinion sitting here this morning, is the absolute worst. 

Somewhere along the timeline of my life a feeling grew inside of my core that could no longer be ignored.  I was tired of working so hard for an unachievable perfection that I nearly imploded and in that moment was true perfection born.  I began to question why on Earth would I ever endeavor to be anything other than who and what I actually was?  I realized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, my choices, or my desires for my own life, (except for the minor point that I had no clue what any of that was).

As I look back on my life I see so much of the authentic real person within me who tried so hard to fight its way out of my ego’s seemingly forced invisibility.  There is such a thing as an inverse ego.  It is a very fragile one as are most wounded egos.  But something within me kept begging for cognition, awareness and the desire to throw away invisibility and anyone or anything that required that of me.

I spent years then trying on new things to see if it felt right and good and in the process, did the best I could to raise my children the way I thought best despite the frustration of the expectations of others, despite the lectures and the “you oughtta’s.”  I became a self-made success nearly in spite of myself and that’s kind of funny to me.  By sheer force of will I reduced all barriers to mere rubble so-to-speak and I forged a new path if even in pure darkness and eventually as the twists and turns of my life completed themselves, I came to the tiniest glimmer of light from deep within.  I no longer question who I am and have come to learn that I need not worry so much about what others think because they don’t define me, I don’t define me.  The part of me that would try to define me is only my ego and it is incapable.  So, I have learned that I am of two minds in a very interesting and psych-spiritual-philosophical way.  I see myself getting caught up in things and I pull myself out with rational thought and a true sense of authenticity but usually not unscathed.  But those scrapes, bumps and bruises from exploration have taught me what I am not by process of elimination.  Some of you may identify with that process of learning.  It is a very interesting path to say the least!

I rebel against the idea of dictates towards me now near automatically.  I work very hard to quiet the voice inside my head that tries still to tell me who and what to be and well, how to do it even.  I grapple and struggle with that voice that says, “No, you’re wrong, you can’t do that and you’ll never make it this way or that way.”  I struggle with that voice because I see its true origin – again, malware in the psyche.  It’s not mental illness per se.  This is more environmental psychology – along the lines of the natural effect of living in a perfectly imperfect world with individuals who did not understand a human being’s true potential.

Every single soul on the planet does the only thing they know how to do…even when they are doing things morally judged as wrong, mean, horrible, awful, insulting, demeaning, etc.  We all have choices to make in life; including how to manage the effects of our own very personal environmental psychology.

Walking your own path in life can sometimes be a lonely experience.  When you refuse to conform to societal norms or enforced conformity for the ease of others, life takes on a new meaning and the challenge that arises becomes an invitation to climb.  And by climb, I mean climbing out of the pit of other’s ideals of who you should be and embracing the true authenticity within you, accepting yourself exactly as you are and loving yourself despite any lingering traces of a voice whispering negative thoughts to thwart your progress.  The lonlier path truly is complacency, sleepy conformity and ignoring your own true inner feelings and spiritual urgings.

Being authentic means you have found your true inner voice and it will no longer keep quiet.  You can recognize the true inner voice by the way that it speaks to you so that you can feel the purity of the flow within you.  This is the voice you can begin to recognize as the higher part of the self guiding you up and out of the lower designs of the ego.  The ego is not to be destroyed mind-you, but rather understood and then transcended.  Old paradigms of thought and outmoded methods of activity can be overcome when you grab hold of those few precious nano seconds between judgment, emotion and action.  The span is so short from a human timeline perspective that if you remain asleep and unaware that such times are a gift in which you can step out of normal reaction and into, instead, understanding and thoughtful response, you might miss a beautiful opportunity to truly see yourself just as beautifully as you are.  It is absolutely amazing the way you can truly feel living life honestly from a place of authenticity.

Why does this matter, I often write in my posts.  I want you to think for just a moment about why this matters.  If you live the life someone else designs for you – even if that design comes from your own ego spurred on by environmental psychology and unconscious malware, this is a recipe for a very unhappy and unfulfilling life.  I don’t want that for myself certainly and I don’t want that for you either.  I can pretend I am a teacher of sparkling and impeccable thoughts and actions but that would be a lie.  I teach from the heart by real experience that I have been through, that I grapple with and that I succeed at if even painfully sometimes.  I like to find meaning in the ugliness and take it as a personal challenge to find some shred of beauty in it no matter how long and hard I must contemplate, reflect and adjust my sometimes-myopic vision.

This is one incredible ride…life.  It is meant to be lived from the heart and soul of you. When you can determine that which most prevents you from living life in joy from the truest center of your being, everything changes from the mundane to the extraordinary.  You become (once again) extraordinary and the thought of that makes me smile.  Blessings for your journey beautiful dreamers.  Find that thread of authenticity fighting within you for conscious cognition.  Give it a tug with a smile on your face and be willing to deal with all the stuff that falls out.  It’s that “stuff” that you must wade through and clean up to get to the good stuff in life.  Be fearless and courageous.  You were born of the stuff of the stars that shine so very brightly.  Live your life like you mean it straight from the heart.  Much love and light always and in all ways. And, So, It Is!

 

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© 2015 Jaie Hart (photo and words)

If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy my books.  You can find them at http://www.jaiehart.com or Amazon Kindle and even in Nook.  Bless!

So it's Over, Now What?

So, it's over
Now what?
That thing you thought was everything
Whatever it was and whatever you thought it would be
It's over
So now what?
Will you lie there defeated, deflated and wounded?
Will you hate, seek revenge, sink to the depths of despair?
Will you calculate, seek to commiserate and drive the wounds in deep?
Are you the victim of a villain?
Are you a victim of circumstance?
What are you in this? 
Have you given it thought?
You look back at the days and weeks
But do you see what happened?
Do you truly comprehend the purpose of the experience?
You didn't want change did you?
You wanted to take this one thing and possess it, hold it there for eternity unchanged
Did you think that was reasonable or realistic to hold a thing static to appease your fears?
Really?  Was that a reasonable expectation to towards your serenity
In a world where everything is always in continual motion?
So, it's over
Now what?
Will you sort through the facts or hold to your provisional truths
So carefully created with environmental psychology?
Will you stand in the darkness?
If so, how long?
What will it take to propel you toward transcendence?
What will it take to reveal your own hand in your seeming undoing?
Think about it.
Things in this world do not happen to you randomly while you try to have a good time.
Things in this world you experience are created by you, for you
Either consciously or unconsciously
So, it's over
Now what?
Is it time yet to look again
And see what was really there in the absence of hate and fear or rejection?
Is it time yet to embrace the lesson you  just couldn't see?
Is it time yet to wake from your deep and dark slumber?
It can be if you want it to be
So, it's over
Now what?
Can you take the steps towards the light on your own two feet?
Can you realize you created the scene so perfectly?
Can you comprehend the bad thing can be a good thing in terms of your soul's growth?
You can but free will dictates that concept, that pure and beautiful action
Is entirely up to a matter of your choosing
You can remain mired in the darkness and like a black whole suck all the life out of
Everyone and everything around you to validate you, vindicate you from responsibility
Or, you can seek the deeper meaning, gain understanding and embrace the change
That was inevitable to bring alignment with your soul's truest desire?
So, its over
Now what?
Stand up, live, love and breathe...you are that powerful and nothing can take you down but you.

(c) 2009 Jaie Hart - photo is a random internet find...

Note:  From a new book in the works by Jaie Hart. :)