Chasing Dreams and Lessons Learned

 

So many miles have come between me and the land of my birth.  If I think about it too long, my heart starts to ache for the sound of the ocean, a strong and cool salty sea breeze, and the sound of gulls.  How many days did I sit at the shore just to feel the power of the waves, feel the enormity of the depth and the breadth of the ocean? Through sunny summer warmth, and cool, cold and stormy days, I’d find my way to the coast and gaze for hours in solitude.  I miss those days sometimes.  Fortunately, those memories will always live in my heart and bring me comfort still when most I surely need it.

 

As many in life have come to know, the land of your birth won’t always support your dreams and if those dreams are strong enough, you’ll pack up all that you own, kiss your loved ones goodbye and begin a journey to find whatever it is that calls to your heart and soul the most. Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to go to far to begin to fulfill my biggest dream.  It was a simple dream to own a home on my own - large enough for me and my children, a yard big and green filled with flowers and trees, and some space to breathe with rare beauty.  I did find it and I’m so grateful.  But these words echo in my mind, “now what?”  

In my mind I have visited the echoes of yesterday and the enormity of lessons learned, love lost and found, broken, and bruised pieces of my heart and psyche along with the strength of the inner light that can and will carry you through the darkest of places if you just find a small shred of hope to hold.  I have not lived an easy life by any stretch, but I have learned above all else to trust my inner most urges and intuitions.  In all the times that I learned to listen and heed my inner guidance, I have found resolution to outer and inner conflict, new paths where all once seemed obscure and a beautiful light to reveal what lay hidden in the darkness (that of my own thinking and that brought to me by the lessons of others).

 

 When I look at all that I have accomplished, I feel really good.  Humble beginnings was the start to my story.  Where I am now I am not married to because I have learned in life that all is fleeting, transient and impermanent at every level.  I have come to know that it is not what I have and what I have done that matters most.  The greatest of my life’s lessons has been learning to take a measure of comfort in what is as it is in the absence of judgement or fear.  I have grown and gone far beyond anything I ever expected.  It only took me learning to let go of what this world, society and my family expected of me.  The conventional has never suited me and I will no longer entertain it.  I am content now, more whole and happy even - most days.

 

Life lessons still come and the pain can sometimes feel soul crushing.  But the key to leaving that prison is accepting what is, sitting with the pain without reacting, and allowing yourself to cry, shout, scream or be.  In time, we expand beyond the painful spaces within us.  We learn to bring in more light to shine more clearly into the darkness and we find our way back to the sun as long as we spend no time in resistance.  That is so hard and can take years and years.  It’s not an easy lesson facing grief, sadness and pain.  These things are part of the human condition and when we encounter them we must always remember – this is not it.  It is not all we will ever feel again.  We will expand, we will grow and as we do we create more space within us to take in other things – joy, love, curiosity, hope and so much more.  I think the pain never goes away but we take in more and with balance, we learn to live with the good and the bad seeming within us.  It’s amazing how that works, and it has worked for me time and time again.

 

 I stand here today so grateful for all of the mountains I have climbed, the darkness I have faced, the disappointment, the anger, the bliss and love – all of it.  My time is not yet done.  I just plan to live a little wiser, with more patience and acceptance.  Maybe find a little more courage, curiosity, and wisdom to face the rest of my journey wherever it is it may lead me.  I think sometimes the journey is within and without simultaneously.  How can it not be?  It’s like magic at times and it can make me laugh or cry depending on how I look at it.

 

If you take anything away from this piece, I hope you take with it hope, trust in your journey and yourselves to live your lives as perfectly and as meaningfully as you were meant to.  Count your blessings and lessons both (you’ll find they are one and the same in the end).

 

 

© Copyright 2023 Janice Harter (photo and words)

Solstice - Recounting - Intention and Flow

These days of celebration and ceremony, of tradition, hope and love are truly no insignificant things. They bring us something we need, something we’ve unconsciously wished for…a point in time of culmination of lessons learned and dreams to come.  We mark the year in celebratory fashion at different points with each bringing an opportunity to observe where we’ve been, what’s worked and what needs more refinement in our lives as we go.  If we take a breath and a quiet moment within the seeming chaos of activity, what things might we see?  I suppose that is up to each dreamer.  Every breath and step is a choice in terms of how we perceive it. It’s appreciating the experience for what it is, sometimes I think quietly to myself.

It was surprising for me to begin to witness that I was separate from my worries and thoughts each step of the way along the path that has been my life.  If I’d only known sooner, I sometimes think, I might have chosen better or at least from a more aware state of being. But, I have to warn you, once you become aware, there is no going back to sleep.  You begin to realize that arguments you seemingly continuously face is really just entertainment at some level and you choose it not due to challenge yourself or others but because there is something you are unconsciously striving to learn.  I don’t agree with wishing I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, as the song goes.  I’m grateful for every gossamer strand of understanding I’ve gathered in my life.

Gratitude is one of the greatest keys to happiness, serenity, and peace I’ve ever known.  In tragic moments, gratitude has helped pull me through.  In moments of joy, gratitude has helped me to better savor the experience.  I find that I become more grateful as time goes by and often it is for the simpler things in my life.  Just now it’s chilly in my corner of the world that is usually beyond quite warm.  The opposites are fascinating not only in the weather but all things.  Like dark and light, the way they contrast and define, where they pull away and then meet…truly it is a fascinating display but more so when you are aware of their differences and the sameness they equally possess.

The solstice always marks a time for me to appreciate what I’ve learned and to begin to truly set my intent for the next year.  I strive always and ever to observe but not get overly caught up in anything…not feelings that aren’t facts, not the emotion of an absent minded or psychologically triggered moment, not the struggles or stress that comes with life.  When I take a deep breath and allow what is to be just as it is without needing to change a thing, I find a better stream of existence to flow within.  I battle resistance sometimes until I reawaken to fully understand the obstacle is the path.  When I meet it not to defend against but to embrace “it” whatever “it” is in a moment, it’s impact relaxes in response to my own surrender and the flow brings with it a greater understanding and awareness as well as appreciation.  I’ve come to trust that in my life from things of great significance to small.  Trust is a big word with far reaching impact in my world.  Greeting in warmly has been my saving grace along with gratitude.

Embrace the season’s celebrations and know that it can bring you more than you ever thought possible.  It may not bring you precisely what you wanted (or consciously thought you wanted) but it will bring you precisely what it is that you truly most needed.  When you begin to trust that life will bring you that, and completely surrender to it ready to flow knowing you can handle what ever manifests on your path, the season, your interactions and your life can be a more interesting set of experiences.  I pray the season brings you compassionate understanding, reawakening, joy, love and peace.  Happy Solstice, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year too.

 

© 2019, Jaie Hart (photo and words)

Seeing Clearly

I watched storm clouds roll in last night off the coast.  They were huge white clouds that appeared to be rolling and tumbling like waves onto the shore.  For a brief moment, I watched a large mushroom shaped cloud with tendrils hanging all the way to the ground.  I had never seen anything like it in my life and then suddenly it disappeared and reformed into a typical cloud right before my eyes.  I was immensely grateful since I was driving right into it.  It was a good feeling knowing the instability was calming as I was headed into that situation.  It reminded me of my life.  So often have I seen very tense and seemingly untenable situations on the horizon only to head right into it seeing that it’s not so bad and definitively NOT insurmountable.  I spent most of the rest of the late day and evening watching the clouds—winds of change carving and shaping clouds into miraculous pieces of temporary art.  It was quite beautiful.  When the sun finally dipped over the horizons, the sky was just absolutely amazing.  I wanted to head down to the coast but sadly, I was just too tired to make the trip.  It’s been a very long seeming couple of weeks with time barely seeming to move.  I think that when that happens, it’s time to pay attention.

The past year has flown by for me in a day and I had gotten used to it and suddenly, time slows down and I feel, hear and see things differently.  That has been part of my goal of late – to see things not as I ‘think’ they are but as they truly are.  I see the themes in my own life, the ones that repeat and I realize they repeat because I have not yet seen the truth.  The universe in its infinite wisdom brings me opportunity after opportunity to see the truth and so I go within to understand at a much deeper level why?  What is it that I have unconsciously created?  What is it that I fail to see time and time again?  These questions are a very good place to start.  However, rather than seek to beat myself up for those things I have unconsciously created in the past, I will shift my focus onto what I wish to consciously create…the real truth.  I think the only thing I can come back to and feel on solid ground about is that if nothing else, I can stand in my own light…not the shades others attempt to paint for me…but in my own light.  As much as I have unconsciously created in my world, others have also participated unconsciously creating and now that I look back, I see so much so very differently.  It brings me hope and comfort.  It is as if I meet myself in the light of truth for the very first time and now, now I can let go of the assumptions I have held as truth for far too long.  When you can stand in your own light, bravely…courageously…and completely unafraid to see the truth about you and use the love within you to see the truth about others, things, situations well…Well, it changes something within you.

I come back to my memory of the clouds again and see them perfectly formed.  I see the ragged lines joined to perfectly painted opalescent soft lines that expand and grow the moment I focus my attention on them.  I am reminded in the sky right in front of me a truth I have always known but misapplied many times.  What you focus on…the thoughts you hold inside of you about what you see—these are the seeds from which what you plant will grow and flourish.  It’s a beautiful design and so perfectly tuned to each soul as they dream and create within this larger dream we call life.  I stand under the same sky today and I see not a single cloud but the rays of the rising sun.  I am at peace and it is those thoughts I shall hold close and in clear focus today.  The truth is, I am the creator of everything in my world and I have designed everything perfectly and in just the way I most needed things to be.  Now, I understand.  As a new day dawns I find an interesting freedom that blows through my soul.  I stand in awe.  Blessings dear souls.  May you find the truth within you, be courageous enough to face you and find the strength always to stand in your own light! 

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo is a beautiful random internet find)

Comfortably Numb

We, as a people, are so epically under developed in terms of our senses.  Day in and day out our senses become numbed beyond comprehension by egotistical pursuits and pain and we are so unaware.  We don’t appropriately understand the need, I mean core-level need, to have about us all of our God-given faculties.  We pursue people, things, feelings – all outside of ourselves to feed the insatiable ego at the expense of the state of our souls.  We are not intrinsically bad in such endeavors, just unaware and the truth is that for every moment we remain unaware, we commit ourselves to this vicious cycle of same, same and same.  I don’t know about you but quite some time ago, that concept became so distasteful to me.  I was probably the leader of the pack in terms of pursuing those things that kept all of my senses, all of my hopes and all of my dreams in this thick, murky and nebulous comfortably numb state of total unawareness.  I’ll tell you what it brought me – years and years of blindness and pain to the truth of this world, the truth about life and most definitely, the truth about me.

Other cultures and societies on our own planet Earth learned to tap into these God-given senses and they were so often ridiculed, persecuted and judged by an ignorant and fearful majority that their great lessons are lost to antiquity.  Some of us strive so hard to recover the truths these other cultures have found.  For one who looks, even just a little, you will see the traces of this knowledge and understanding on every continent that now covers the Earth.  Yet, still, the ignorant and fearful majority ridicules, persecutes and judges those who pursue the truth.  It’s a sad state in reality.  I cannot judge them as bad for their actions because at heart I understand truly the nature of fear and how it has the capacity to warp and twist a mind, heart and soul.  In our own lack of faith and trust in what we can feel as the truth, we lock ourselves away in our own prisons of heinous thoughtless design.  There it is we stay until we become so spiritually toxic, so emotionally sick and so mentally frustrated that we begin to look within for some way out.

I cannot present a problem without a solution.  There are many solutions to be had in this world and so many can be found right inside the hearts of us.  There is more than one language for example.  We have the languages of literal written and spoken symbols used across the globe.  It is just as don Miguel Ruiz writes, these symbols are inadequate to fully express the truth about anything.  Until we can learn to feel the power of the strength and feelings within our bodies we will be unable to understand some of the things our limited symbols do not cover.  When speaking to a soul on planet Earth, if you listen only to the words they are speaking, you are missing volumes of very valuable and pertinent information that needs to be understood in order to truly hear what a person is really saying.  It’s only guesswork to try to read between the lines because your own egotistical wounds and filters will tell you only what it wants to perceive in order to make it better than the person speaking.  If we cannot learn to “feel” and I mean really “feel” what the other person is trying to tell us with all of our senses (mind, heart, body, soul and spirit), we will only ever learn bits and pieces of a lesson presenting itself and may miss a beautiful opportunity to participate in life.  We may also mistake what we think we are hearing if we get so hung up on the words and syntax alone.  There is more, so much more and you cannot read these separately and get the whole picture.  You must learn to take them in all at once.

So much on this Earth presented to us can be misread and misunderstood creating emotions, assuming the worst possible scenario driving us deeper behind our walls of fear.  These fears exploited by governments, politicians and the crafty egotistically wounded people can drive you into seeking numbness in order to exist and feel safe.  These designs force you into protective mode and perpetuate cycles of bare existence moving from one distraction to the next that continues to dull the senses further. 

Reconnect to the human race, the truth about who we really are and what we are capable of.  Forget about complacency and the seeming safety of known evils and ignoring what your senses are telling you.  Get quiet often and learn to feel your way through things, conversations and situations.  Everything is speaking all the time, as a dear soul to me so often says.  Its true.  A rock will speak to you.  A tree will speak to you.  Even a bird will speak to you.  Oh, not in the limited language of inadequate symbols but through the heart, through feeling and through the soul.  There are frequencies of information playing on low in the background, like a radio with the sound turned way down, all the time.  When we begin to listen for the sound, the feeling and the meaning, you will begin to hear the languages and through repeated listening, you will begin to feel and understand and awaken all of the senses you came to this Earth with.  Forget comfortably numb.  Don’t remain part of the problems of this world.  Step outside the comforts of complacency and learn how to listen.  Your life will become so much more rich, fascinating and ultimately joyful for you.

Rant over, I’m off to finish cooking dinner.  I love learning and learning to truly listen with all of my senses has been one of my life’s greatest discoveries and I am still learning.  I am just absolutely loving every single minute of it.   I hope you discover the beauty of learning and feeling along these lines too.  If you haven’t found that space yet, just set your intent, relax and open up to it.  With practice, it will come as will people to help you understand.  ~Brightest blessings dearest souls.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo, random but beautiful internet find)

Abandonment

It’s not a pretty word is it? It creates all kinds of visuals and negative sensations or emotions right? I never knew that abandonment could be created by people who are still there. Abandonment can occur invisibly by severing emotions while still being present…emotional abandonment. The symptoms for one suffering from emotional abandonment can be a long list. For some it’s a simple feeling of not being able to trust people and as a result, having feelings of not being able to let someone in. So, what does one do if they have challenges with abandonment? Do they suffer in silence with an inability to trust and as a result, keep everyone on the perimeter? Do they continue to ignore anything representing self-awareness and continue to live behind invisible mile high and thick emotional spring-loaded steel walls or become self-aware and strive to over-come the issue(s)? There are choices to be made and they can become conscious choices and responses as opposed to involuntary painful reactions even as difficult as that might sound.

Some abandonment issues start from so young, it’s hard for an individual to connect present day behavior with emotional abandonment from the past. One clear way to determine the existence of abandonment issues is to take a look at patterns in past relationships with family, friends and significant others. What are the themes? Someone with abandonment issues and lacking trust will have a theme that has recurred in all of their interactions. Why? Because the heart of you is so cool and amazing that it knows your issues and presents you with situations and people that will expose your weaknesses so you can see them, understand them and work to resolve them. How can that not be cool? Okay, so you have to step back pretty far from yourself to see it that way because some “lessons” can be quite painful. No doubt about abandonment issues being hard to deal with but at some point folks might decide they are tired of repeating themes and patterns in their lives…they may wish to make some changes and the only things we have the power to change are our actions, our thoughts and our approaches to life. We can’t change people, situations or the past, right?

So, what is the best way to overcome a fear? Exposure!!!!! Through exposure, you can become desensitized to the fear and begin to understand it, realize it is unreasonable today and may stem from a past wound and begin to modify your thought process in order to resolve the fear. With abandonment issues, this is so important. Well, that is, if you want close, fulfilling and caring relationships. If you’re fine keeping everyone at arm’s length, just close your browser and continue like Cleopatra! However, if you want to learn to love more, be loved more, feel more comfortable in romantic relationships and friendships then you’re really going to have to learn to do things differently…particularly if you lack trust due to abandonment issues. One thing I recommend that you do, and I mean this, sincerely…if you think you have abandonment issues that are really interfering with your relationships, go get some professional help through a licensed marriage and family therapist. They have the training to help you focus, find the precise source of the pain or original wound(s) and help you focus on healing those wounds and learning to respond to relationships in a different way.

There is a lot of work that can be done outside of the therapists office and on that note, let me just say…if you’ve got a psychological or emotional issue you’re working with a therapist on…don’t expect to be cured if you do nothing in between visits! Homework is necessary and that homework is being aware of your triggers and your natural responses to triggers…just noticing when they go off. Becoming aware is the first key to healing abandonment/trust issues. Next, learning to understand your reactions and rebuilding your own inner faith and trust along with self-esteem is the next place of focus. Then, after that, forgiving the people involved at the heart or who are or seem to be the cause of the abandonment feelings/wounding is going to need to come at some point in order for you to move on. Then, finally, learning to respond to your triggers instead of reacting as you’ve always done is going to come next. You’ve got to learn to respond differently than you did to a trigger.

So, in a nutshell, that’s how to spot it, work to heal it and relearn a better way to live. Now, when you get down to it, the work is quite uncomfortable. You really have to be dedicated to fixing the problem and being near people that will honor you and help you work through the issue. If you’re around people who can’t support this…you need to be around different people or be more selective in who you let into your life…and do definitely work with a counselor if this is the case. So, the simple answer…if you have abandonment issues and lack trust that if you let anyone in they’ll hurt you, what do you think you’re going to need to do? Yup, let people in…be open, be honest and realize no matter what happens or doesn’t, the situation can’t take your birthday away from you, it cannot change who you are inside and tomorrow will be a new day no matter what. Ever heard the saying: “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself?” Well, with abandonment, the fear of being hurt and abandoned again, keeps us from letting people in which reinforces the fear and reinstates the original wound over and over again. So, the only cure is learning to be open. It’s not hard in theory. What’s hard is changing your natural tendencies…learning to think…learning not to over-think…taking time outs before speaking and reacting so you are in control of your words, your thoughts and your actions.

Making changes to your natural seeming instinctual reactions takes time, patience and understanding from the people around you and you have to realize that sometimes people can’t handle “your stuff” …meaning the things that are your issues. And let me say, as un-fun as that sort of rejection is, you have to understand that a rejection does not invalidate you as a human being. It really can be quite impersonal. There was a time for me that any form of rejection was unacceptable to me so I beat everyone to the punch. I didn’t let people in so they couldn’t ever really reject me. But a long string of failed relationships really made me want to change that behavior. It takes work and it takes time. But back to rejection…both my parents were alcoholics…I spent a fair amount of time in Al-Anon meetings and there I learned some really amazing things…like how to separate my issues from someone else’s…not to take someone else’s issues as a personal rejection and how to instead focus on the things I had the power to change…namely…me and my thoughts, actions and reactions. Al-Anon has an online bookstore and if you’ve never been to their site or ready anything about how that program works, I’d look into it. Another book I’ve read that sort of underscores this particular theme that is sooooo helpful in dealing with abandonment is a book by Byron Katie called “I need your love. Is that true?” Very eye opening in terms of the assumptions we automatically make as a reaction based on our own “stuff” as well as the natural thought progression we allow to follow which really leads us to our own pain. Interesting stuff…check that book out!

So, this topic could really become a book and maybe it will some day. For now, it’s just a blog, just some ideas that I wanted to share with folks out in cyber-space. It’s an important topic because part of the meaning of life is learning to love…love yourself…love those around you…and, allow yourself to be loved. If you’re facing abandonment issues and complete lack of trust in humanity, you may be relegating yourself to a lonely life with not a lot of love in it. That’s just not a good place to be. If anything I’ve written resonates with you on any level, I strongly recommend that you spend the time on yourself to heal abandonment and trust issues. Life is just too short to live it disconnected and in denial. Such things can lead to escapism, alcoholism, drug abuse, over-working …Goodness, the list goes on. It takes more time and energy to maintain “issues” than it does to work on healing them. At the end of the day, facing pain is a good thing. It’s really not as bad as the fear of it but you just have to know that there are tools out there, there are books out there and there are human beings willing and able to lend an ear, a shoulder or some advice to help you deal with challenges.

So, my thoughts for the day are pretty focused in one area. It’s an important area. I’ve seen abandonment and trust issues tear lives apart and cause some very unhappy and painful consequences for a lot of people that I care about. I’ve dealt with my own for the better part of my entire life. So, focus on healing, focus on learning and love yourself enough to make positive changes for yourself! There isn’t anything that cannot be changed within you so long as you allow the thoughts to grow, in the positive, love yourself enough to become aware, make changes that are healthy for you and surround yourself with people who will support you. (And just a hint…if you have no such people in your sphere…that’s a theme you might also want to look at). Peace and healing to you!



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