Found My Way Home

I cannot help but wonder a bit about the space I've found myself in recently.  I write and put it out there publicly in the hopes that something I write about my experiences might help others but what I've encountered is something entirely different than what I had anticipated.  When you step outside of yourself in any means publicly, others tend to develop certain expectations about who you are and what it is that they want or need you to be in order for them to feel okay.  Sometimes that expectation is too much of a burden to carry.  I've written about this before but the lesson lingers on and so, there must be something more to it than I had originally considered.  My ego reacts terribly to people who try to tell me what to do, how to think or who to be.  My ego reacts this way because it is a direct, even if unintended insult, right straight through the the heart and soul of who I really am.  Please consider this the next time you lay your expectations on someone else.  Is it really about them or is it really about you and the healing and accepting you need to do on your own.

I am a student of life, an observer with natural keen analytical ability.  I take things in, learn the frame work and then dissect it completely for one purpose and one purpose only...to understand it.  I write about my observational experiments because as I write, it helps me to understand what I think I am perceiving more clearly.  I am a human being just like everyone else on the planet.  I get out of bed every day, shower and make myself presentable to a world that doesn't really care who I really am - they care how I show up.  Sometimes the world seems to expect me not to be who I am but what it needs me to be.  I look at this one thing and see it as the very nature of much discontent and conflict in all human interaction.  I've bumped up against this one several times in the last few weeks and have suddenly come to realize how much this has materialized on my path in life and I look back nervously now as I see how many times I twisted, bent and contorted myself to be what others expected, demanded or even nicely asked that I be for them.  Its an unreasonable and untenable request - an unfair request - and ultimately, one I can no longer grant to any soul on the face of this Earth.

I can only ever truly find happiness if I show up and present with my heart wide open, my mind wide open and curious but I have to do that my way and I cannot cave under the duress of threat that someone won't like me or they will take their love and respect away from me if I don't behave the way they want me or need me to.  Not one single soul on this planet is above making mistakes or being human so let him who has never made a mistake be the only soul with a right to throw a stone at me.  I'm laughing as I type this and want you to know that I say these things truly with a light heart and to be a bit "cheeky" as my friend Annie would say.  In my 46 years of learning I have come to know the greatest life lesson there is:  To thine own self be true and for no other reason than to uphold your own sense of honor, honesty and integrity because at the end of the day or the end of your life which one day will come at the end of the pavement that is the road of your life...the character you build in matters of the heart and soul are all you take with you.  Being the best at acting to meet other's needs and please those around you in exchange for superficial "love" (that isn't love at all) will win you nothing but a trip to the void where you'll have to figure this out pretty quickly in order to move beyond and into the afterlife.  If you don't figure out who you are now and find a way to love yourselves for the beautiful divine representation of love that you are, you'll be beset one day, much like now, with the monsters and villains of your own creation.  It's not a good path if you ultimately wish to find love and happiness.

I have learned that in life, I tire of fighting the expectations that others have placed upon me and I will never succumb to those expectations again.  Rather, I shall move away, far away from those who think so little of themselves that they can influence others and manipulate them into being something they want and need for instant gratification.  Oh, it is never done with malicious intent I do believe, but rather a great heaping pile of misguided misunderstanding.  If you want to look up to someone and raise them above you - you have immediately cut yourself down.  Stop that right this instant as you do not deserve that.  Do not idolize anyone or anything ever because to do so minimizes you and you are no less than a child of light...a beautiful child of this amazing universe.  Take your rightful place in this world by finding and seeing the love within.  Quit seeking flattery and adoration and instead rebuild the structure of your thinking.  You are so beautiful just as you are and if another cannot accept you, then walk away.  I have walked away all of my life from those who laid the burden of their expectation on me about who I should be to them or for them.  I hope above hope and I pray that one day, one bright and beautiful day will come those who have fully embraced the hearts of who they are and who, like me, have decided to lay down the world's expectations and be the loving, joyful and wonderful souls that they truly are for the pure joy of it...rather than fake something or act just so others might adore them find me and together we will merely enjoy a moment in the sun.  I am not on this Earth to be adored and I am not on this Earth to cut myself down by placing others above me in my own mind.  We are one.  We are equal at many levels.  Our understanding, perceptions and assumptions are the only things that separate us.

Be courageous enough to accept you for who you are.  Be curious enough to discover the things you do not know about you.  Be compassionate enough with yourself and others to see your kindred equality and then you might see what the true light of heaven really looks like.  Heaven never was a place, dearest souls.  Heaven is a state of being...a state of knowing...a state of grace...a state of love...and a state of mind.  Thank Source I finally found my way home.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart 

Motion and Growth

I could probably say this a thousand times and every time the sentiment would still run as deep.  This world is such an amazing place.  Life can seem so very difficult at times, I know.  But consider something you may not have considered before, the things occurring in your lives are ultimately for your greater good in some way.  It may not seem so at times when you are trying to see with the tears of pain, frustration and anguish in your eyes but know that when the emotion fades and the heart has had a little time to heal, you will see the truth if you but open to it.  In life there are often phases of "clearing away."  These phases serve a great purpose.  Sometimes people and situations you have grown fond of and quite comfortable with must be cleared away to free up your energy and focus to bring in new energy and situations that are for your ultimate higher good. 

When you find yourselves is such a place of clearing, find the courage within to let go with love, let go with curiosity and let go knowing that you are able to stand and accept with grace those things that are coming to you.  Realize that although at times you may find yourselves lonely and feeling the effects of loss and change, you have a divine ability to create in your world and sometimes your creations must be set free to fly, to move and grow and when you let go, you may face a time of sadness and a seeming stasis sense of life around you.  Know that everything is always in motion, even you.  You're standing on a hunk of rock that spins on its axis at approximately just over 1,000 miles per hour (if you are on or near the equator) and while it spins, it is orbiting the sun at over 33,000 miles per hour (realizing many adjustments for elliptical versus circular orbit and many other variables and modifications).  Everything is moving, changing, growing, shedding, and regenerating.  Nothing ever stays the same.  This is not necessarily a bad thing although it can, at times, be quite painful.

Use moments of beauty and inspiration to soothe your soul until those things intended to manifest within your sphere of existence, manifest.  Find uplifting things to do, study, create and do things that feel good until the moments of emotional difficulty pass.  Embrace the change that comes because new things, people and situations can bring you the stuff of your deepest and most beautiful dreams.  Stand tall, curious and courageous beautiful dreamers and know that Source always provides an abundance of grace from which you can accept your fate and pursue your truest dreams.  Life is ultimately good even with all of its changing and shifting with people coming and going and the emotions swirling and turning within. ~Blessings of love, peace and higher wisdom dearest souls.

(c) 9/12 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

The Dream

The clouds float across the dark sky
Like strange creatures swimming
Through an ethereal sea
Twinkling lights from far away suns
Soothe my soul in ways I can't define
The descending darkness has lifted
The soul wrenching ache has gone
Its amazing how understanding something more fully
Can chase all of the pain away
The silence and stillness
Great friends of mine
They stood by every step of this journey
Calling me back from the brink every time
Making sure I explored every nuance in thought
Every ripple of emotion
Until that moment everything disappeared
And I found myself standing on the shores of Elsewhere
I prayed the Sea of Memories
Would take all mine away
It wouldn't and I couldn't
There are some things that shall remain with me always
My memories and the love woven through them so beautifully
Life can surely seem a challenge at times
But I've learned its worth every step
Every seeming heart break is a gift
It helps you understand much better
Your chosen place within this world
Our creations so good, so real seeming in existence
Require our focus in order to exist
But when you let them drop away in love
Set them free on invisible wings
The breeze left in their wake
Is actually refreshing
So it is, alone I stand
Under this dark sea of stars this morning
A brand new day dawns as the planets precede the sun
The heat will dissipate all of the cold places
And my heart will continue its beating
And I've finally caught my breath again
I shall carry within me now a new vision
Of life, and of love, and maybe some day
The dream

(c) August 2012 Jaie Hart (photo, beautiful random internet find)

Moments Strung Together

The last couple days have been so incredibly busy that I've hardly had time to think, let alone be inspired to write.  Two days in a row, I drove home late into the setting sun.  There are interesting moments at those times when the sky takes on that silvery pale orange color and even the streets seem to glitter with the color of the sun's fading rays.  I notice the people rushing around always focused on a destination rarely ever giving much thought to the journey.  Our time here is so limited and so to me, to waste any moment not focused on the present is a loss.  There are all those moments in between, all of those spaces in between we think are filled with nothing and then one day you may realize all of those spaces in between starting a journey and arriving at your intended destination held by far more than you realized.  Well, and hopefully you do realize those precious moments before the end of your days come and you think about how many moments you've squandered focused on getting somewhere.  What if there is no "there" to get to?  What if the journey is all that there is and the destination remains illusive?  What then would you do?  Would scream and throw a temper tantrum at the universe or those who must have hidden it from you or would you relax, take a deep breath and realize all moments come together for a reason?

Sometimes I feel like I've squandered precious moments I can never get back but then I realize there was nothing to save those moments up for.  I don't mean for that to sound negative because that isn't my intent, nor is it what I'm feeling.  I think I've finally come to realize the precious sense of everything in everything.  All of my moments strung together lead me to now in this warm comfort within my own skin.  It's early evening after a long seeming day that seemed to follow a week that took an eternity.  Time has momentarily slowed and I find that interesting because the moments since 1/1/11 have spun by me so quickly I don't really even recall all that much time to catch my breath.  I exaggerate, certainly, but you get the feeling maybe.  I wonder about all of those things I held as important on that very day.  Such wonder had I concerning infinite possibilities and so many unknowns.  I held different plans and dreams than I hold today.  I've destroyed them, set fire to them, ignored them, hid them, walked away from them only to start over again and again and again like some strange sort of ground-hog day.  The monotony of routine seems to set my being on edge sometimes but at the same time, I could not be more grateful for dull, boring and unexciting, non-adrenaline producing existence.  I'm actually quite amazed at the abundance of adrenaline I have produced in my life time.  I think I have finally effectively kicked that habit among many others that no longer suit and support me.  Do I have more to go?  Oh, sure I do and I look forward to thinking and feeling my way through each one in order to let go of all that troubles me and embrace more completely what it is I have come to know really matters.

We're not alone here, not even in our own minds it sometimes seems.  We're surrounded always physically as well as ethereally.  A single thought from miles away can come crashing through an ordinary moment and leave you with a feeling you didn't have only moments before.  We think our paths are set in stone but that's only because we can see only just to the point of our horizon.  After that, we can't yet see but we can feel when we want to.  I like to sit back, relax and see what comes next.  Oh, I wonder about it often just like everyone else does but I don't tend to put too much energy into fruitless endeavors these days.  I need my senses, my energy and my being in full capacity of all of my faculties.  I don't know why just yet but imagine this feeling will bear out in some new interesting journey of love, lessons and greater understanding of this life and my place in it.  It's Friday night and I'm sitting in my living room, with the fan on to cool off this sweltering heat and I'm watching the sun set in a summer sky.  A glass of red in hand, music in the background and words in front of me.  Hmmm, never thought this would be the highlight of my week...but it is and I'm so grateful, you have no idea how grateful.  So, well, enough rambling then and I shall be off to finding some sustenance.  This morning's oatmeal lost its ability to sustain me hours ago and I think the stress of the day has finally settled enough to allow me to eat with peace in my being (so much more important than you may realize).  Simple pleasures are often the most amazing sometimes.  Especially, if you take a moment fully present and thoroughly enjoy every precious second.  ~Blessings of peace, love and light dear souls.

(c) Jaie Hart (words/photo)

Energy Observation

(Photo, random internet find)

The sun rises behind a rather thick bank of coastal clouds today and although I miss the pink and orange fiery rays of the rising sun, I find that I am grateful for the cooler temperatures the morning clouds bring forth.  I find lately that there is an abundance of stillness, silence and peace around me in contrast to an emerging swirl of new ideas and concepts.  There is still, deep within me, this sense of "something brewing" or "some form of change is on the wind for me" and there is an anxiety at the core.  I never cared for such feelings because they were the precursor to a time requiring an inordinate expense of energy.  I do not know from which direction or topic this new - whatever-it-is - will emerge or materialize and I attempt in this moment to steer my focus very far away from that. I often seem to shut down my ability to see the future because I don't find it helpful at all.  Some might think "but to see, you can prepare and make yourself ready."  But to me, I'd rather not know.  I do my best thinking in the heat of a moment when I'm challenged to quickly leaf through the files and filters of experience within my own mind and soul and intuitively choose a path at random out of the chaotic swirl of happenings within this dream.  Sometimes, those files and filters do nothing at all anyway but bring to light anxiety and fear and neither are a good place to work from anyway.  At least not when you seek a more fortunate outcome.

I decide in this moment to chalk it up to work stress and let it go with a breath under dark and cloudy skies.  I have much to contend with and nothing will get done properly from a state of anxiety and adrenaline producing thoughts.  I would much rather take a breath and let nebulous feelings go and escape into the ether with child-like wonder and meander through the stuff my dreams are made of.  It is a much more serene existence when you allow the mind it's freedom to roam where ever it is it might choose.  I shall engage in a bit more experimentation tonight.  Another visit back into the mystery of my own time line and see what revisiting might reveal to me in terms of questions I have and true answers I seek.  I do not know the outcome and I think that I'm really grateful.  The effort to experiment and explore in this life are often rewarded in ways we can't fully comprehend until some time later on.

Perhaps I shall write more of the experiment later.  That is, if I return with any results for my efforts. It's funny in a way, this feeling.  I stand here peacefully breathing and I feel this powerful energy swirling about me.  It's nearly palpable physically and yet I am untouched by it but am observing it.  I do not know what it portends and am still unsure that I wish to know at all.  I recall a near similar feeling from early yesterday morning while sitting in my supervisor's office.  I was trying to speak when an overwhelming presence struck me that I felt to the core of my being.  I was immersed completely within this energy almost as if it had wrapped itself around me and then all at once, I heard it...a single deep, rich and beautiful tone.  While I somehow maintained my ability for dual focus on the within and without, I queried it's source as it lifted me up to the beginning stages of bliss.  I relaxed and breathed it in and reasserted my query of origins and it intensified mere moments as if to say, "I am here, be not afraid and I am always with you."  I sensed then a tinge of sadness in this presence and sent loving thoughts to it and with that sentiment it left me as quickly as it came.  You'd be shocked if I told you how often this occurs and how I can tell the tones belong to different souls both incarnate and not.  To be aware of your energy sensitivity and know that at that moment a soul that knows you is reaching out with thoughts of love or just thinking about you is quite a beautiful and yet also a puzzling experience.  I have verified the essence of these energy visitations more times than I can count and so have come to trust them as validated.  This presence was one that I was familiar with but the tone had deepened since last I felt it.  I do not know what this means but I pray that whoever it is that they know that I noticed and acknowledged them fully.

When you can find and breathe in the quiet and still moments of life, you'd be amazed at what the inner world can bring you.  Surrounded both physically and not with beautiful loving souls, I find that mostly I am gratefully at peace and shall pray that I will remain so this day.  ~Blessings for your journey of discovery in the lives that are you this time around dear souls.  Enjoy every step as you traverse this Earth.  May good tidings bring you happily home to the core of the loving you!

To Date or Not to Date, That is the Question

So, a friend of mine thought I should try my hand at dating advice.  I laughed at first because Lord knows the tales I could tell.  But I'm not going to do that and will keep my own counsel on my personal experiences.  However, there is an aspect of the dating experience I have observed and would like to write about.  Lots of people think about dating for the wrong reasons and honestly, at the worst times of their lives. Well, that is if they want a good experience.  Having a really good dating experience is about you and your readiness.  If you're not really ready, I promise you it could be a harrowing experience.  At no other time is it more important to ensure you are in full possession of your faculties as when you are dating.  You must have very agile and on target discernment faculties in full operation or the consequences can be quite devastating for you and could even become dangerous.

So, to make this easy, let me start by giving an example you may think is completely unrelated but it is very relevant.  When you are starving and go to the grocery store to shop, what happens?  Most often, you end up buying all sorts of unhealthy junk that sounds good in a moment of thinking from the space of hunger rather than health and when you get it home, you dive into some very unhealthy choices.  Later on, you may take stock of your purchases thinking, "What was I thinking?"  You weren't actually.  You were acting from a state of hunger (negative) and not from  place of satiety (positive or neutral).  So, now, extrapolate this thought process across the challenging realities of dating.  If you are lonely, sad, depressed and down on your luck or otherwise not in a good stead with your own responsibilities, emotional stability and peace, what do you think you are going to bring home?  Junk that sounds good in a moment but is wholly unhealthy for you.  It's a fact no matter how much you'd like to argue.  Think back across your choices while in an unhealthy state and tell me what happened?  Did you get lucky or did you end up paying for your emotional choices?

When not to date - Here are some examples I submit for your consideration:

1.  If your ex-husband or ex-wife, ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is to blame for any or all of your current woes in life - You are SO not ready to date.
2.  If you are unemployed, underemployed or otherwise lacking in your ability to provide for yourself - You are SO not ready to date.
3.  If you are still holding intense thoughts of love or anger for an ex or someone else - You are SO not ready to date.
4.  If you are at an emotionally vulnerable time due to the stress of family drama or trauma - You are SO not ready to date.
5.  If you don't know who you are, have no idea of your direction in life and do not know what you want - You are SO not ready to date.
6.  If you are sad, depressed and lonely to the point of heart ache - you are SO not ready to date.

Now, I say all of the above things not to disappoint you or frustrate you but to get you to think about these things in particular.  These things above are very strong signs that you need time for yourself, for thinking through your life lessons, resolving your emotional wounds and striving for healing on your own.  If you don't do this first, you are apt to miss very big glaring red flags in the person you are are attempting to date in your un-whole state and, if it doesn't turn out well or you end up in the company of one of the many personality disordered individuals out there, you will not have the where-with-all to understand how to respond to such a soul without putting yourself emotionally and potentially, physically in harm's way.  This is just the absolute truth of the matter.  Like it or not, there are people in this world working with many unhealed wounds.  If you are not whole emotionally, you will be unable to access sound decision making and could lead yourself to a great and painful unanticipated fall or worse yet, become someone else's emotional prey.  There are those out there adept at emotional manipulation and you do need all of your faculties to spot them.  It is not that these individuals don't deserve love and compassion - they do, but you certainly will be in over your head if you are not completely whole and healthy emotionally yourself to the point you can spot the red flags and respond to them safely.

So, I leave you with this food for thought.  Ask yourself, "Am I really ready to date?  Am I whole and healed enough that I could have a discussion with a potential mate without bringing up unresolved feelings of pain from any aspect of my past or current life experiences?"  If you are not whole, are in a negative state of loneliness or are wounded - you will be creating from a negative state and will invite only those of similar vibration to you.  Will it be a learning experience?  Oh, absolutely but you have to give some serious thought about what you want from dating experience and make sure that you are in a position to bring that to the table.  If you are not ready, get yourself ready, seek out healing for wounds, get yourself emotionally and financially stable, learn who you are and what you want and then open yourselves up to thinking about dating.  If you can do this, you create a much better chance that you will have a positive and rewarding experience that is empowering for you rather than the opposite which can be wholly debilitating emotionally.  Think about what you are bringing to a partner and ask yourself, "Is it fair that I bring myself half whole and healed and half stable to someone else to fill me and heal me?  Is it fair to lay the responsibility to fix you on someone else?"  The answer to those questions is NO if you want a truly good and healthy outcome from the dating experience.

So, enough of this for now.  You create every experience.  My attempt here is to teach you how to have a better experience that supports you rather than tears you apart.  Just food for thought.  Get out there and have a good time.  That's what life is for.  Lighten up and don't take things too seriously.  Allow yourself healing and invite wholeness into your being and you will see life from a very empowered perspective. ~Blessings.


(c) Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find).

Reconciling Assumption

I have learned something of late that is so very important.  I've written about it before from some knowing part of my soul that didn't truly realize the grave importance of the matter but knew my consciousness was onto something.  You all have your beliefs and experience as I do mine.  Mine have shed light on a certain topic that I didn't quite understand until an experimental search for something in the ether this past Sunday.  I set my intent and found what I was looking for.  I found an assumption created in another time and one that I held for good and valiant reasons but my assumptions were wrong and with those unreconciled assumptions, I carried a wound deep within my soul that created 3 primary undesired results.  I will spare you the boredom of the details and although, I may decide to write of my specific experiment in more depth at another time but the details of the event were not as important as the findings.

To get straight to the point, which I'm often not good at...I tend to meander and explore as I write and understand but this, this is just too important.  It's going to sound very simple dear ones but I assure you it isn't.  The realization after reviewing the results of my experiment was this:  Explore and understand every single assumption you've created in this life and do so before you leave it.  If you do not attempt to seek out all of your assumptions and the emotions they create, you may unwittingly end up carrying a burden of pain you were never ever meant to carry beyond this life and possibly, into the next one.  I suffered my burden so long it would blow your mind to know the truth.  Be that as it may, I followed a hunch and did some digging and with the help of a wonderful soul I found the source of something I carried without knowing.

Another thing I learned and this one will be very hard for many to accept so for those I ask you skip over this part and consider it my own crazy experience of which you wish to take no part in.  Souls choose how they will come into this world and how they will leave.  Each soul desires it's own experience.  Often at the time of death, a soul has already left the body so there isn't the suffering that so many wring their hands and their hearts over.  I'm not here to debate, as I qualify in my about me description - I'm here to figure out my own thoughts for good or ill and offer up my  learnings to those who may find them of interest.  For those not interested, I take no offense and wish only to share the things I think about and figure out sufficiently for my own present sense of satisfaction.  For so long on this journey I have walked a path of mystical, spiritual and magical things completely alone with no frame of reference and no one to help me understand that which I experienced.  So many things did I misunderstand as a result.  But, honestly speaking, these visions began and within them beings answered my every question and I don't care if they were real or not real, the end result was the same - my questions were answered and I was encouraged further to share.

So, well, enough of this topic for now.  A side effect of this weekend is I'm unable to hold my focus for long...I'm too caught up in the beauty of slightest color changes in the sky, the pure and beautiful feeling of this summer breeze, the birds and the smiles of the children and well, they are all beautiful distractions and so I go.  The sky has turned lavender and peach as a blanket of indigo with sparkling lights has been pulled towards the already long set sun.  I wish you peace, I wish you courage and I wish you success in reconciling all assumptions you hold.  When you shatter the assumptions and find the truth, you set your heart free and well, that's so important you'll one day understand.  Blessings beautiful souls!

(c) Jaie Hart (photo, random but fortunate internet find)