It's All About the Journey

I used to think it was important to be the best I could be at this goal or that goal throughout my life.  To my wonder and amazement, I achieved each of the things I set out to do.  Of course I found my very egotistical moments of, "Hey not bad for a girl who grew up dirt poor in the welfare system." 

But I noticed that each time I achieved this goal or that goal and I had that moment or sense of momentary satisfaction at achievement, it was truly only very short-lived and really kind of empty now that I recall each one more fully with all of my senses open wide.  Then, I thought if I could just materially attain this or that or make this much or hold that position, I'd feel better and well, just good about me. 

Well, I achieved the material possessions and the positions and I felt good about them, but again, only for a moment.  These things and achievements felt good to strive for and good even for just a moment to finally attain.  But again, only a moment's happiness did they bring me truly. 

There are really too many things I've come to realize in my life but of those things a couple are more important than all of the rest.  For starters, any soul, regardless of of upbringing, financial status or environmental psychology can achieve goals they set for themselves if they but try, never giving up or disbelieving in their ability. Great lesson!  Yes!  Of course.

But despite this one thing and the many more I have learned on my journey, a question has gently floated to the fore of my consciousness.  The question seemed bigger, brighter and more important than all of the goals and achievements I can recount and proudly call my own.  The question I ultimately considered, "Why did I strive for those things and what was it I was trying to prove to no one else really but me?" 

I have done nothing but consider this question for about 18 months now.  I think I have finally answered after much thought and well, more accurately, feeling.  I have answered that question a good number of times and in a good number of ways for me.  I now further question everything that I thought I wanted.

I think I have finally come to the conclusion that money can buy a nice roof temporarily, cool clothes can put on a nice exterior, position can give you egotistical stature if you're lacking self-confidence in your own right or light and even public acknowledgement if you need that validation but, if there is no lasting contentment and joy in life that lasts as a result of all of these energy burning and very tiring efforts, I guess I just see no point in them any more.

So, now I think some more and I wonder whether I ever care to achieve position again, whether I care any longer to have more and ever more money because with it comes its own sort of problems.  What I care to achieve is contentment in my present focus no matter what it is that I might be focusing on.

Considering my former and present thinking carefully, it feels as if I am finally read to give up on most destinations I once thought important for me in my life and I that I no longer care for the thought of doing anything other than what I want for my own approval in tune with the dictates of my own deepest inner soul.  More than anything else in this world, I wish to see only love in everything and maybe to strive more towards finding contentment in whatever I do from scrubbing a floor, to laundry, to driving to work (with gratitude at having a job), to talking with loved ones and strangers or merely sitting alone at peace staring up at the leaves swaying in the breeze in beautiful contrast with a vast cerulean blue sky.  What good are things in life if you cannot find lasting contentment?  The journey's purpose I think at least for me, is to learn to truly see love in every single thing in existence and to find contentment no matter what presents itself to me on my journey for good or ill purpose.  And so, a new journey begins as my thoughts begin to shift and change with greater focus on the journey itself.

Change is in the wind, a welcome change, a beautiful change and a wondrous life-altering change.  I welcome it with the mind of a curious child filled with a desire just to experience the amazing wonder that is life here on planet Earth.  Silly?  Maybe.  Crazy?  Maybe that too.  But, well, I'm off to explore these thoughts and feelings some more.  ~Blessings for your journey to true and lasting love and, well, contentment too.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo, very fortunate and oh so beautiful random internet find)

Moments Strung Together

The last couple days have been so incredibly busy that I've hardly had time to think, let alone be inspired to write.  Two days in a row, I drove home late into the setting sun.  There are interesting moments at those times when the sky takes on that silvery pale orange color and even the streets seem to glitter with the color of the sun's fading rays.  I notice the people rushing around always focused on a destination rarely ever giving much thought to the journey.  Our time here is so limited and so to me, to waste any moment not focused on the present is a loss.  There are all those moments in between, all of those spaces in between we think are filled with nothing and then one day you may realize all of those spaces in between starting a journey and arriving at your intended destination held by far more than you realized.  Well, and hopefully you do realize those precious moments before the end of your days come and you think about how many moments you've squandered focused on getting somewhere.  What if there is no "there" to get to?  What if the journey is all that there is and the destination remains illusive?  What then would you do?  Would scream and throw a temper tantrum at the universe or those who must have hidden it from you or would you relax, take a deep breath and realize all moments come together for a reason?

Sometimes I feel like I've squandered precious moments I can never get back but then I realize there was nothing to save those moments up for.  I don't mean for that to sound negative because that isn't my intent, nor is it what I'm feeling.  I think I've finally come to realize the precious sense of everything in everything.  All of my moments strung together lead me to now in this warm comfort within my own skin.  It's early evening after a long seeming day that seemed to follow a week that took an eternity.  Time has momentarily slowed and I find that interesting because the moments since 1/1/11 have spun by me so quickly I don't really even recall all that much time to catch my breath.  I exaggerate, certainly, but you get the feeling maybe.  I wonder about all of those things I held as important on that very day.  Such wonder had I concerning infinite possibilities and so many unknowns.  I held different plans and dreams than I hold today.  I've destroyed them, set fire to them, ignored them, hid them, walked away from them only to start over again and again and again like some strange sort of ground-hog day.  The monotony of routine seems to set my being on edge sometimes but at the same time, I could not be more grateful for dull, boring and unexciting, non-adrenaline producing existence.  I'm actually quite amazed at the abundance of adrenaline I have produced in my life time.  I think I have finally effectively kicked that habit among many others that no longer suit and support me.  Do I have more to go?  Oh, sure I do and I look forward to thinking and feeling my way through each one in order to let go of all that troubles me and embrace more completely what it is I have come to know really matters.

We're not alone here, not even in our own minds it sometimes seems.  We're surrounded always physically as well as ethereally.  A single thought from miles away can come crashing through an ordinary moment and leave you with a feeling you didn't have only moments before.  We think our paths are set in stone but that's only because we can see only just to the point of our horizon.  After that, we can't yet see but we can feel when we want to.  I like to sit back, relax and see what comes next.  Oh, I wonder about it often just like everyone else does but I don't tend to put too much energy into fruitless endeavors these days.  I need my senses, my energy and my being in full capacity of all of my faculties.  I don't know why just yet but imagine this feeling will bear out in some new interesting journey of love, lessons and greater understanding of this life and my place in it.  It's Friday night and I'm sitting in my living room, with the fan on to cool off this sweltering heat and I'm watching the sun set in a summer sky.  A glass of red in hand, music in the background and words in front of me.  Hmmm, never thought this would be the highlight of my week...but it is and I'm so grateful, you have no idea how grateful.  So, well, enough rambling then and I shall be off to finding some sustenance.  This morning's oatmeal lost its ability to sustain me hours ago and I think the stress of the day has finally settled enough to allow me to eat with peace in my being (so much more important than you may realize).  Simple pleasures are often the most amazing sometimes.  Especially, if you take a moment fully present and thoroughly enjoy every precious second.  ~Blessings of peace, love and light dear souls.

(c) Jaie Hart (words/photo)