Random Thoughts on The Decade Passing

I sit in the cool and darkness becoming light. The sun slowly greets the day and me, here, mind empty and heart full. Not only does another year come to a close but the end of another decade does too. I don’t know where the time has gone.  It trickled away bit by bit while I was busy with other things.  Don’t get me wrong; the time I spent, I am most grateful for. My grandfather barely saw 54 years and my father never did.  Their time here was brief, so much so that I barely knew either of them. I send them my love wherever they are and hold nothing but gratitude for the blessings their existence brought me.

I have in my pocket, a seeming lifetime of good and hard life lessons learned in just this last decade and although I don’t care to repeat them (and pray I never do again), a part of me has come to terms.  A part of me is glad to be nothing else but simply present.  I’ve made so many changes in just the past 10 years.  I’ve come to a number of realizations.  They are by far too many to recite here and likely, they’d bore you to tears, but my life isn’t for anyone else’s entertainment but mine I suppose.

I used to think I knew where I was going and what I was doing as well as why but the funny plot twist in my life is that I never knew a thing.  Learning that now, is a very strange blessing.  I don’t know where I’m going and I do whatever it is that I am called to do without attempting the pre-determining of the outcome.  The results are more entertaining when it’s a surprise any way.  I’ve seen dreams shattered and brilliantly born in this past decade.  It’s been a joy, all of it.  But its strange to feel more self-assured not knowing what will happen.  It’s not as fearful when you truly know you can trust yourself to manage whatever it is that presents itself squarely upon your path to contend with.  If it is that and only that I have learned in this past decade, it was all well worth it.

The next decade holds just as much promise - of that I have no doubt.  So, I’ll slip into it gently, in full awareness of the past, pure enjoyment of the present and much hope and faith for the future, whatever it brings.  I’ve had seasons come and go, family and friends too.  It’s always a challenge to say goodbye but there is a strange comfort and peace in letting go and letting things and people be just as they are – even if far away.

When I look at the miniature world of this life I have created, I am content.  It isn’t perfect and I think that is the best part of it.  The beauty in the imperfection…it can sometimes seem magical.  To dare to be and do whatever it is your heart calls for is an amazing experience.  I say, pick up and move, go and explore, be a stranger in a strange land, be anonymous in the crowd, be one with the energy and stand in awe and wonder of every moment of every day.  Stand in the sunlight and feel the warmth.  Stand under a vast and depthless seeming sky and feel every single star and planet. Know the motion of it all is not only something you witness, but something you are a part of.

The ripples and waves we create in this life can be good ones if we can simply learn to relax and flow.  I don’t know.  It’s been a while since I have allowed myself to wax contemplative.  No reason behind that really, it’s just a side effect of staying ever-present.  Thinking really big thoughts is cool and all of that but it is entirely another thing all-together to just be so very present in a moment to truly appreciate all the moment has to offer you…the richness, the simplicity, the breath, the heart beating, the sensing and gently holding and then letting go.  It is a different sort of magic I guess and that is what the last decade brought me.  It brought me a deeper appreciation for all that is just exactly as it is while letting go of any thoughts depending upon some egotistical desire to change things or people. The now moment is a powerful thing. And it is right there for you, Now. How will you experience it?

I wish for you as this decade comes to a close, many realizations, the beautiful culmination of lessons learned, laughter, love, hope, courage and faith for the next one that comes to your door.  Breathe in; Breathe out.  You’ve got this and the Universe has got you!  Thank all that is good! 

 

© 2019, photo and words.

Gentle Rain from My Ceiling

The leak in my ceiling is like a gentle waterfall and as the hours go by, the paint bubbles to release some more.  It’s almost like this place is filled with pent up emotion bubbling out and ready to fall.  I’m home now waiting for the contractor to arrive.  He’ll pull down the dry wall and the water will fall whichever way it wants to.  It won’t have to find the seam from the last repair to try to worm it’s way out and about from behind the dry wall.  So many metaphors spool up and race to reach my finger tips.  I think I’ll just acknowledge them and flow more gently with the vibe of the day.

Things go wrong sometimes at the worst possible time.  You can stress and worry about these things or you can just take things as they come, do what you can do and well, just breathe.  I never in my life would have thought a leak coming through my ceiling would bring me peace.  Really, I’ve already done everything I could possibly do and now I wait.  I wait for help and assistance and listen to the tink, tink, tink as the water drips from the ceiling onto the cookie sheets I have strategically placed around my living room floor.

The floor is now getting wet and all I can do is shield the electronics I’m not able to move at this time.  I’d take out the only semblance of norm we’ve been able to somewhat restore since the leak became apparent.  I did take the opportunity to rearrange the furniture while everything was torn up.  I’m trying to change up the energy a bit.  Preliminarily, I’m happy but it needs some fine tuning.  I’m also using the opportunity to throw away the clutter, get rid of a couple more big pieces of furniture that just no longer suit me.  All the money I spent for this piece 10 years ago feeling like I was somebody because I could spend $900 on a beautiful desk.  It was one of the first really nice things I bought for myself.  I’m now going to give it away.  I no longer need things of monetary value to feel okay. I find it easy to let go of things these days and become so much more curious now to wander through my motivations then.

I’m so much happier, I think - letting go.  I’m simplifying my life as much as I can.  I’m down grading, releasing, breathing more comfortably and making plans to get rid of some more.  So much have I physically carried with me for all of these years.  Honestly, I’m going to empty my garage without opening the boxes.  I’ll donate what I recall as usable, recycle what I can and then just enjoy the space with no need to fill it.  I suddenly feel so grown up, content and happy.  Life isn’t about attaining material things as much as we think it is.  At some point you realize you didn’t really even want half of the stuff you bought for a quick fix of ego-joy.  It pales greatly in comparison to acceptance of self, love of what is, as it is and just being.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as sentimental as the day is long and have small trinkets from family and my partner all around the house that make me smile.  It isn’t the things that matter but the sentiment behind them.  If I lost them all tomorrow, I’d carry the memory of the sentiments and just count myself blessed.  I glance up at the ceiling and see yet another bulge in the paint as big as the palm of my hand.  At any moment, it is going to break and more water will be tumbling down.  I’ve prepared - another cookie sheet is at the ready to catch the mini deluge.  I don’t know why I’m calm right now but I like it.  My home is chaotic at the moment with everything being removed from the room where the water is gently coming down.  I’m not feeling chaotic.  If that bulge gets much bigger, I may opt for a pot…hmmm.  Not necessary, I now hear dual tink, tink, tinks as the water is now making it through the other leaking spot in the ceiling. Only another hour to go until help arrives and we’ll hopefully have the leak found this time, staging for repairs of the source and after-math of it and then repairing the ceiling and drying the floors.  Who knows how long it will take.  But I’ve got the day off today to manage it and the frame of mind to handle it.  I guess that is just good enough.

Water is an amazing substance, I must say.  I wholly admire its tenacity to move and flow.  I might appreciate it more where it falling from the sky instead of my ceiling but, well, this is what I’ve got to contend with today.  So, I’m off to it.  Whatever you face in your day, whatever inconvenience or frustration you encounter, just do what you can do.  Make sure you take some time to breathe, step back and view the situation as if it were on a TV screen.  Let it be as it is, let you be as you are and know that you are up to the task and if not, ask for help and be grateful when it arrives.  Blessings of great peace, calm and understanding for your journey.

© 2016 Jaie Hart

The Song of the Morning

The sun is only just creeping up to the horizon and a strong breeze blows outside my window.  To hear the wind rustling the leaves in the giant Sycamore tree outside my window with a warm cup of coffee in hand is just one of those moments I am truly grateful for.  To have a moment of stillness in the cool and dark, wind chimes making beautiful music, it seems as if I’ve left all of the cares of my world behind. 

The days are so warm still and yet the nights begin to cool a bit.  I love the changing time – those moments when Summer begins to move gently into Autumn.  All the remnants of those childhood memories and feelings of excitement for the new school year, Fall activities, Halloween, Thanksgiving – I can feel them just around the corner and it makes me smile.  I’m more than grown up now but I still hold within me that child-like wonder for all those moments I’ve lived up until now during this beautiful time of year.

In meditation this morning I felt a great peace unlike anything I’ve felt in months.  It feels almost as if I’ve been running and running some made race to get to some unknown place and only now have reached the top of the latest hill climbed.  I’ve slowed my pace now in this moment and am really just very much enjoying the view – this moment – this now.  Another strong gust of sea air blows in through the open window and I feel so calm and peaceful still.  This song of the morning has been so beautiful and so very sweet.  It is a calm reverence that washes over me as I sit here in silence embracing the fullness of a collection of very simple moments spent ever so present.

These moments are rare in a very busy life but something within me wishes to slow down now in every respect and appreciate all of the moments with a deeper reverence and even more gratitude.  What ever this is – a call from my soul maybe – I’m stopping and I’m listening.  I do not wish to spend the rest of my days in a blur of activity without tasting each precious moment of life.  It is so fragile, so fleeting and I do no longer wish to take even one second for granted.  I don’t know what that means for my every day-work-a-day life.  Maybe it is that I just allow this gentle shift within to take over – to take hold and breathe more.  Maybe i learn better what it means to openly take what comes just as it is with ever deepening gratitude just for the gift of presence.

The light comes now and with it gentle gray skies.  Wind rustles the leaves a bit more loudly now  and I can see the bright pink blooms of the Crape Myrtle tree that also thankfully lives right outside my window.  Such contrast exists in the vibrant pink blooms against the newly lit gray sky.  It is really beautiful.  I’m going to savor this day, every moment of it.  I think I may go to the park this morning for a nice walk in the coolness before the sun chases away the more temperate air.  I don’t want to miss another moment of this life and wish instead to gain greater appreciation every day for everything for the rest of my life.  It is a fine goal - this...appreciation and gratitude.  These things deepen the calm and peace within the soul.  That is what I need most just now.  I treasure this moment as I do all others and I hope to carry the undertones of this as the symphony of life plays on.  I wish you all a steady stream of beautiful moments - the kind that lets you know gratitude always.

© 2016 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

Hanging on a Moment

What are the good things in life?  A good cup of coffee? Watching the sun rise?  Seeing dandelion seeds twirl in the breeze as you gently blow them into oblivion and unwittingly end up supporting the circle of life while you make a wish like an innocent child of the universe?

All of the little life moments we experienced have mattered and will matter in the future perhaps, but what about right now?

The reason this moment or point of focus matters is that when we are not busy worrying about what we should, would or could have done or what we could, would or should do tomorrow, we can settle into feeling what it feels like to be a real living and breathing human being inside our body observing all these important seeming things that really amount to lessons in a text book that is our life.  Weird and anticlimactic huh?

Sometimes it is just that and well, even that is precious but we just don’t understand that for every yin there is a yang, every action an equal and opposite reaction – it’s life – it’s amazingly, incredibly, wonderfully perfect even when it feels very much like it isn’t.

So, then, what to do with a thought or a feeling in a moment?  I guess we judge it and decide whether or not to hold it.  It doesn’t really matter what we decide unless we have expectations.  With expectations one must be cognizant of choices ahead of time.  Other than that, we think what we think and we feel what we feel until we wish to think and feel something else.  And then, we do.

Life is not so complicated in some regards but one tiny little thought or action can turn it on a dime in terms of experience.  So, what kind of experience do you most wish to have? Do you at least know that you have a choice in how you experience it even without the control to manage outside actions?

Peace!  :)

2015 Copyright Jaie Hart both photo and words

Moments Strung Together

The last couple days have been so incredibly busy that I've hardly had time to think, let alone be inspired to write.  Two days in a row, I drove home late into the setting sun.  There are interesting moments at those times when the sky takes on that silvery pale orange color and even the streets seem to glitter with the color of the sun's fading rays.  I notice the people rushing around always focused on a destination rarely ever giving much thought to the journey.  Our time here is so limited and so to me, to waste any moment not focused on the present is a loss.  There are all those moments in between, all of those spaces in between we think are filled with nothing and then one day you may realize all of those spaces in between starting a journey and arriving at your intended destination held by far more than you realized.  Well, and hopefully you do realize those precious moments before the end of your days come and you think about how many moments you've squandered focused on getting somewhere.  What if there is no "there" to get to?  What if the journey is all that there is and the destination remains illusive?  What then would you do?  Would scream and throw a temper tantrum at the universe or those who must have hidden it from you or would you relax, take a deep breath and realize all moments come together for a reason?

Sometimes I feel like I've squandered precious moments I can never get back but then I realize there was nothing to save those moments up for.  I don't mean for that to sound negative because that isn't my intent, nor is it what I'm feeling.  I think I've finally come to realize the precious sense of everything in everything.  All of my moments strung together lead me to now in this warm comfort within my own skin.  It's early evening after a long seeming day that seemed to follow a week that took an eternity.  Time has momentarily slowed and I find that interesting because the moments since 1/1/11 have spun by me so quickly I don't really even recall all that much time to catch my breath.  I exaggerate, certainly, but you get the feeling maybe.  I wonder about all of those things I held as important on that very day.  Such wonder had I concerning infinite possibilities and so many unknowns.  I held different plans and dreams than I hold today.  I've destroyed them, set fire to them, ignored them, hid them, walked away from them only to start over again and again and again like some strange sort of ground-hog day.  The monotony of routine seems to set my being on edge sometimes but at the same time, I could not be more grateful for dull, boring and unexciting, non-adrenaline producing existence.  I'm actually quite amazed at the abundance of adrenaline I have produced in my life time.  I think I have finally effectively kicked that habit among many others that no longer suit and support me.  Do I have more to go?  Oh, sure I do and I look forward to thinking and feeling my way through each one in order to let go of all that troubles me and embrace more completely what it is I have come to know really matters.

We're not alone here, not even in our own minds it sometimes seems.  We're surrounded always physically as well as ethereally.  A single thought from miles away can come crashing through an ordinary moment and leave you with a feeling you didn't have only moments before.  We think our paths are set in stone but that's only because we can see only just to the point of our horizon.  After that, we can't yet see but we can feel when we want to.  I like to sit back, relax and see what comes next.  Oh, I wonder about it often just like everyone else does but I don't tend to put too much energy into fruitless endeavors these days.  I need my senses, my energy and my being in full capacity of all of my faculties.  I don't know why just yet but imagine this feeling will bear out in some new interesting journey of love, lessons and greater understanding of this life and my place in it.  It's Friday night and I'm sitting in my living room, with the fan on to cool off this sweltering heat and I'm watching the sun set in a summer sky.  A glass of red in hand, music in the background and words in front of me.  Hmmm, never thought this would be the highlight of my week...but it is and I'm so grateful, you have no idea how grateful.  So, well, enough rambling then and I shall be off to finding some sustenance.  This morning's oatmeal lost its ability to sustain me hours ago and I think the stress of the day has finally settled enough to allow me to eat with peace in my being (so much more important than you may realize).  Simple pleasures are often the most amazing sometimes.  Especially, if you take a moment fully present and thoroughly enjoy every precious second.  ~Blessings of peace, love and light dear souls.

(c) Jaie Hart (words/photo)