Aimless Meandering

 

It’s amazing how quickly the hours, minutes and days go by when your mind is occupied in a busy life.  I think I’m reminded more so now than ever of the importance of taking a pause, a moment, a breath in the present to just appreciate all that has been, all that is and all that is to come without assigning any emotion to that.

 

In reflecting this morning, I realize what a winding steep and perilous road I have sometimes travelled.  At other times, it felt like smooth sailing.  At this time and in this stage of my life, I have to say that I am happier than ever I have been.  I have meaningful work, a growing family, and I somehow managed to deal with grief.  I’ll be honest, I don’t care for that part of life.  It seems the things that wound us never really ever heal (sorry – spoilers).  But if we give ourselves the space and the grace to be fully present with grief without resisting it, something shifts in our disposition.  Some part of us begins to accept that grief as part of life and we learn that pain is okay to feel – it is nothing to fear – and we just tend to grow beyond those moments.

 

Acceptance has loomed large in my life with many lessons to affirm the need for it.  I might like to throw temper tantrums because of “what is” in various aspects of my life but I know ultimately how I face something or not is a choice and that choice may extol more energy than I have (if in resistance) or apply just the right amount (if I allow what is to be).  Ever since I heard the serenity prayer and took the time to really dive deep into what seems on the surface a simple string of phrases, I have learned the wisdom of it.  At some point we have to decide if our resistance to what is makes sense to hold onto.

 

I’m a deeply sensitive soul and I have faced some pretty big emotional upsets in my life but I somehow learned to stand and remain flexible regardless.  If we can learn to bend sometimes like a tree in a storm, flow instead of resisting, we’ll weather most storms.  Sometimes the storms are just overwhelming in life – did you know it’s okay to crumple into a heap and cry it out?  (I’m telling you – give yourselves permission to feel whatever you feel when you feel it – just don’t take action when in feeling mode. When in feeling mode, just feel – be with whatever it is – then take action in a healthy and appropriate manner that supports you and others).

 

I think for a while in my life I got hung up in trying to ascribe a reason for this or that lesson.  While seemingly a pain-minimizing endeavor, sometimes we just don’t get any closure on things.  You have to learn to deal with what you have, what you don’t know – you don’t know, and assumption is never a good idea.  It isn’t an either or – assume or get the definitive answer exercise – in order to be okay.  The one thing in life that is fact is that life is ever changing. The only thing that is the constant is change.  When I run into rougher times I remember – “This too shall pass.”  When I am enjoying happier times I remember – “This too shall pass” and I appreciate with much gratitude any moment of peace or happiness.

 

I understand much about people and sometimes that understanding that everyone is battling their own trauma’s, wars, environmental psychology etc. is all I need.  I never let that excuse behavior I find untoward or indecent, but it does help me to realize much of what other people engage in along hurtful or unthinking lines is not personal for me.  That thought doesn’t minimize the pain of the things that some people do but understanding that from one human to another – life is hard – I know all that I need to know, and I can set boundaries for myself in terms of what I can and cannot tolerate.  In life, the one thing you must learn to do is stand up for yourself and your needs and that doesn’t have to be a battle of wills with another human to get them to understand your needs.  In some cases, you can scream that crystal clear and the person you’re screaming at cannot take that onboard at all.  That’s okay – some people are not for you, and you are not for some people.  You don’t have to hate or hold grudges, just refocus on you and what you need to do for you.

 

Life is hard but when you look back, 10, 20, 30, 40, or 50 years in a life, you see so many different versions of yourself while you were enmeshed in one life lesson or another.  The same is true of your family and friends – different versions of them throughout the years.  It doesn’t matter so much today who you were yesterday – what matters is who you are now – in this moment.  Every moment is an opportunity to find realization, gratitude, acceptance, make plans and set goals and find something in our moments to appreciate.  I find I can appreciate even the bad times even if only to think they won’t last forever.  I find I can appreciate people – even the hurtful and mindless seeming ones. I do know they’re doing the best they can.  I also know I don’t have to remain in proximity to those who are hurtful and hateful.  I don’t have to add to their negative energy.  I can lick my wounds and take a detour down any number of different life paths open to me when I and only when I remain open to finding them.

 

Sorry for the aimless and meandering thought journey this morning.  I don’t often have the time to write these days.  I appreciate more living life rather than trying to mentally figure it out, but old habits die hard.  I still love my morning reflections over coffee when the house is quiet, and the cat is curled up right next to me.  I’ve got projects to get started and I’m burning daylight. Wherever it is you find yourself on this great journey of your life, I hope you can take a moment to congratulate yourself for making it to this moment.  It’s been no easy task and yet you have somehow managed to master it.  Yay You! Be good to yourself today – acknowledge your efforts regardless of whether anyone else will.  Do one thing at least today just for yourself.  You deserve that kind of love and care from you to you.

 

Blessings for a great day on the journey that is your life.  Remember – the Journey IS the Destination!

 

©October 2023, Janice L. Harter (photo and words)

Chasing Dreams and Lessons Learned

 

So many miles have come between me and the land of my birth.  If I think about it too long, my heart starts to ache for the sound of the ocean, a strong and cool salty sea breeze, and the sound of gulls.  How many days did I sit at the shore just to feel the power of the waves, feel the enormity of the depth and the breadth of the ocean? Through sunny summer warmth, and cool, cold and stormy days, I’d find my way to the coast and gaze for hours in solitude.  I miss those days sometimes.  Fortunately, those memories will always live in my heart and bring me comfort still when most I surely need it.

 

As many in life have come to know, the land of your birth won’t always support your dreams and if those dreams are strong enough, you’ll pack up all that you own, kiss your loved ones goodbye and begin a journey to find whatever it is that calls to your heart and soul the most. Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to go to far to begin to fulfill my biggest dream.  It was a simple dream to own a home on my own - large enough for me and my children, a yard big and green filled with flowers and trees, and some space to breathe with rare beauty.  I did find it and I’m so grateful.  But these words echo in my mind, “now what?”  

In my mind I have visited the echoes of yesterday and the enormity of lessons learned, love lost and found, broken, and bruised pieces of my heart and psyche along with the strength of the inner light that can and will carry you through the darkest of places if you just find a small shred of hope to hold.  I have not lived an easy life by any stretch, but I have learned above all else to trust my inner most urges and intuitions.  In all the times that I learned to listen and heed my inner guidance, I have found resolution to outer and inner conflict, new paths where all once seemed obscure and a beautiful light to reveal what lay hidden in the darkness (that of my own thinking and that brought to me by the lessons of others).

 

 When I look at all that I have accomplished, I feel really good.  Humble beginnings was the start to my story.  Where I am now I am not married to because I have learned in life that all is fleeting, transient and impermanent at every level.  I have come to know that it is not what I have and what I have done that matters most.  The greatest of my life’s lessons has been learning to take a measure of comfort in what is as it is in the absence of judgement or fear.  I have grown and gone far beyond anything I ever expected.  It only took me learning to let go of what this world, society and my family expected of me.  The conventional has never suited me and I will no longer entertain it.  I am content now, more whole and happy even - most days.

 

Life lessons still come and the pain can sometimes feel soul crushing.  But the key to leaving that prison is accepting what is, sitting with the pain without reacting, and allowing yourself to cry, shout, scream or be.  In time, we expand beyond the painful spaces within us.  We learn to bring in more light to shine more clearly into the darkness and we find our way back to the sun as long as we spend no time in resistance.  That is so hard and can take years and years.  It’s not an easy lesson facing grief, sadness and pain.  These things are part of the human condition and when we encounter them we must always remember – this is not it.  It is not all we will ever feel again.  We will expand, we will grow and as we do we create more space within us to take in other things – joy, love, curiosity, hope and so much more.  I think the pain never goes away but we take in more and with balance, we learn to live with the good and the bad seeming within us.  It’s amazing how that works, and it has worked for me time and time again.

 

 I stand here today so grateful for all of the mountains I have climbed, the darkness I have faced, the disappointment, the anger, the bliss and love – all of it.  My time is not yet done.  I just plan to live a little wiser, with more patience and acceptance.  Maybe find a little more courage, curiosity, and wisdom to face the rest of my journey wherever it is it may lead me.  I think sometimes the journey is within and without simultaneously.  How can it not be?  It’s like magic at times and it can make me laugh or cry depending on how I look at it.

 

If you take anything away from this piece, I hope you take with it hope, trust in your journey and yourselves to live your lives as perfectly and as meaningfully as you were meant to.  Count your blessings and lessons both (you’ll find they are one and the same in the end).

 

 

© Copyright 2023 Janice Harter (photo and words)

Change in Season - Facing Change

 

No matter what we do or say, there are few things we can count on in our lives...the world will turn, the sun will rise and there will be stars up in the sky whether obscured by sunlight or accented by darkness. Gravity is fairly constant and something we must learn to contend with day in and day out.  For now, the coffee is warm – aromatic and I’m sipping it peacefully as the sun climbs above the horizon (or, more accurately put, the Earth is noticeably turning at one of those times of day that it is truly noticeable).

 

The long scorching hot Summer came and went and if I’m honest, I’d say uneventfully.  That’s not a problem in my book.  Uneventful means I’ve had moments of clarity, of peace and of quiet.  The birds are singing just now, and it is reasonably cool out in my little corner of the world.  The Chinese Elm in my back yard is speckled now with yellow leaves that soon will fall.  At this time of year, I am always reminded that the trees just let their leaves fall.  It is part of their existence – their nature.  Funny it is that we humans hold on to things…memories, stuff, and thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts.  When we can muster a moment of clarity and let things drop away and become even more clear, more grounded and even more grateful, we can flow more easily through the stream of the elements and Seasons that make up our experience of life.

 

Fall winds here always seems to bring change.  Those Fall winds are blowing now and soon into the season too.  I remain curious about the changes going on around me.  Some changes are uncomfortable because of the unknown aspects of potential consequences but some changes are good bringing relief and an opportunity to refresh, begin again, usher in new thought and energy.  While uncomfortable for a time, I’d like to think that change is ultimately good – whether wanted or unwanted. Pivotal moments where lives and paths intersect always bring the possibility of change and growth. Well, the growth-part is a choice we'd be wise to make.  I am okay with change even if it feels uncomfortable for a time. If I dig in my heels and resist, the only soul I’d be hurting is myself and I have vowed time and time again, never to intentionally cause self-harm! We can't really fight change in our lives - time marches on - a constant.

 

The seasons of my life have brought me much that I am so grateful for.  I stand much more confidently in my own skin these days and so the changes blowing all around me aren’t something that I get overly concerned about.  If I walk back through my memories, I can clearly see that change has been the one very dominant constant in my life along with breathing – up to this point.  It is part of my awareness and existence.  I am constantly reminded to appreciate all that I have experienced and to cherish the good and bad alike.  It is all part of my experience of life on planet Earth.  Although I am very aware of the change thoughts running through my mind this morning, I intend to just breathe, remain curious and hopeful – grateful – committed.

 

Coffee consumed and first morning chores complete (feed the doggo and the kitty cat), I now must return to the routine of my day.  I’ll do so contemplative today.  I feel it already.  I have much to wonder about.  I have much gratitude yet to fully appreciate and I’ll keep that in mind throughout my day today.  At this moment in time, all is well, no major concerns or worries and I intend to appreciate a day off of my work-a-day world.  I have learned that I am well prepared and grounded enough and with trust in my ability enough to face whatever consequences of change that I encounter.  I have proven myself resourceful, thoughtful and capable of pivoting quickly if need be.  I think that is the beauty of experience and growing older in this frame.  When you look back and recount all of the things and situations you have faced and mastered, you begin to develop very strong trust in yourself to face your life with an ever diminishing sense of fear and angst and an ever growing sense of strength, wisdom and confidence.  I love that.  I hope what ever change blows your way brings you the courage to stand and face it standing tall in your skin with curiosity and confidence.  You’ve got this.  Have a lovely Fall!  Enjoy every turn of color, gently falling leaf and hopefully, gently changing temperatures that don’t shock your system! 

 

© J.L. Harter, September 2022 (photo and words)

Blessings for Another New Year

 

This Holiday Season has been precious and wonderful, despite all of the restrictions. I missed some members of my family but thanks to electronic communications, I’ve been able to keep in touch with all.  I’d be lying if I said my thoughts don’t meander into the darkness wondering when on Earth this pandemic will end and wondering when we might be able to traverse the out of doors when a smile in passing can actually be shared and seen.  I can’t linger much in the darkness with my thoughts because it takes me away from the present.  If I have learned anything in all of my years is that the present moment is all we have.

 

There is much to be stressed and concerned about these days, but I don’t choose to wander among the wishful thinking or petty frustrations for too long.  I’d rather hold out hope for strength for those folks fighting to remain healthy, comfort for those in mourning, and love for those feeling left out and lonely.  I want ever so much to remain compassionate for all of those battles fought in the minds and hearts of my fellow human beings all over the world.  I cannot help but whisper a nightly prayer for those both within my circle and especially those far beyond it.  I pray for less inclement weather, calm seas, skies and psyches.  I pray for wisdom to find the ignorant as much as those folks seeking it.

 

We go into a new year in just a few short days.  I find that I’m grateful to be here to witness the calendar’s change into another new year.  I’m grateful the light begins to return day by day even if that means welcoming the super-hot temps of my little corner of the world.  I think about prosperity for people, ease in their suffering, and that each may find some measure of happiness no matter how fleeting that might seem in this new year. 2022…oh my, I cannot believe that I’m here to see it. 

 

One of the things that has kept me going these past challenging couple of years is an immense gratitude for everything.  When I’m feeling the stress and strain of this or that, I step outside to feel the breeze, listen to the birds sing, feel the grass beneath my feet, watch the clouds sailing by or reverently witness the fiery pink glory of sunrise and the awe-striking display of orange at sunset.  I listen to the sounds outside – people with hearts and thoughts driving here or there, my neighbors talking, the four-legged canines barking at this sound or that…it’s all of these things that reminds me that life goes on and it will always go on.  I find I’m less emotional these days and more confident in the world’s workings.  I’m more comfortable in my own skin, with my own heart, memories and experiences.  I found happiness amidst chaos by welcoming all memories that arise and breathing gently in the present.

 

I have seen so much and despite the horrors conveyed on the news or in social media, I know one thing is true, there are more than descent, reasonable, helpful, honest, hardworking people out there that care about this world and all life in it.  That fact comforts me.  I pray for them the most so that they may be continually inspired to create what this world most needs – healing, comfort, caring and compassion.  Wherever you are or find yourself this New Year’s Eve, may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you find comfort, may you be safe, and may you be at peace.  Blessings for a safe, abundant, successful and joyous new year! 

 

© December 2021, photo and words J.L. Harter

The Wisdom of the Elements

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon?  I have, some time ago.  Nothing could have prepared me for the absolute breath-taking view.  You don’t realize how very tiny you are until you stand beside it, feel the ancient energy of it and imagine its creation.  I don’t know exactly why, but I was remembering the Grand Canyon in a dream I had a few nights ago.  I didn’t recall it for its aesthetic beauty and grandeur.  I recalled it because of what my mind has been wrestling with forever, it seems.

The steadfast rock and Earth surrounds us, water flows within and around us.  Great rivers erode the rock slowly over time and yet in some place and at some times, the work of the water flowing etches gently and cuts deeply into the Earth.  If you think about it or truly realize it, as stunningly beautiful as the Grand Canyon is – remember, it was created by water flowing over rock and wind whipping through it over time. I think of us, mere mortals, our daily trials and tribulations and even the minor things we tend to get so upset about.  To me, it’s all like water flowing over rocks and wind whipping through.  We may be etched and cut into by the various elements of existence that flow around and through us in our experience but we are no less beautiful in the end than before our lives began.

We do so many things, we strive to achieve this or that, to acquire, to gather and hold things to us and that is a funny thing to me.  Nothing remains forever just as it is.  Life here is forever changing, merging, falling away - blowing away even. We fly, we crash, and we tumble and flow.  Just like the wind, the water, just like the rocks we live upon.  We can stand firm in the fullness of our being and let life flow within and around us.  It doesn’t matter what we do, what we achieve, what we learn or acquire, the part of us that witnesses all of our life-experience, remains the same – unharmed and ever transformed.  We live, we breathe and we die but there is that part of us that remains untouched like the day we were born, pure and pristine.  It doesn’t matter what we go through and grow through because in the end, that pure and pristine part of us lives on.

The point of this is not that you should not acquire, grow or learn as you live and breathe in this life but rather that you should understand what remains and what changes.  In a way, what remains and changes is the same.  That is confusing in a way.  Perhaps it is all about aspects and perspectives of what we choose, how we take in an experience or how it is we might use it?  We ARE.  No matter what we have or don’t, who supports us or won’t, how we live or die – no matter what, we still ARE.  We are made neither greater nor lesser by what we do really.  We still ARE.  If we dress Class Act, or bare cozy and comfy, we still just ARE.  I think that the more I live, the more I understand what nature is trying so hard to teach us.

These observations and thoughts didn’t come to me all at once.   These thoughts didn’t occur to or comfort me as I acquired and gathered, or while I surrendered and lost.  Whether I was climbing ladders, or admitting defeat, I still AM.  There is a part of me that remains pure and pristine no matter what it is I mire myself in.  It seems that what I do, is for my entertainment, because I feel moved to do this or that.  It feels good sometimes to do this and that.  It feels bad sometimes to do this or that.  But when the feelings of whatever it is I am or was engaged in fade, I remain just as whole as I was.  I still AM.

I go back to my memories of the Grand Canyon and take a slow and easy breath in and out. The water is not evil because it cut the walls of the canyon.  The colorful rocks that have withstood the years and seasons are not weak because they stood still.  No matter what the experience, they still ARE and yet they are beautifully transformed in a way by the experience but their essence and their power is not lost or made lesser by interaction with the elements.  When I see the rocks now, I feel gratitude and deep appreciation for their existence.  When I see the rain, water flowing – I feel grateful and a deep affinity for it’s existence.  When the wind blows it carries aspects of rock and water and I’m grateful as the air I breathe carries the pure power of transformation.  When I feel the heat of the sun, I am reminded of the gifts of transformation it too brings.  These things can harm and support me but I am made neither greater nor lesser for my experience of them.

You, in your lives, living day in and day out, working and achieving or learning and growing – you are made no greater or lesser as a result of your experience.  Even though you may be transformed willingly or unwillingly remember that there is an aspect of you that will remain pure and pristine as the day you were born.  Live, laugh, play and love.  Enjoy fully the richness of your experience here.  Appreciate your surroundings, check in now and then to see if you find value in what you are learning. Strive if you feel moved to – to understand all of your amazing and magical teachers in this life.  Everything matters. You too matter.  Never mind how life has shaped you, cut through you or changed you.  Your soul is still beautiful and filled with magic.  You still ARE.  Blessings of great love to you.

Copyright 2020, Jaie Hart (Photo NPS.org)

The Real and Surreal of Life Just Now

 A year ago I left the State of California to make a new home and life in the beautiful state of Arizona.  We’ve been here almost a year now.  The living and dining rooms that once were crammed full of boxes from the floor to about 4-5 feet high, are finally cleared, furnished and decorated.  It’s the most peaceful part of my home.  Yesterday was such a beautiful day.  After getting required outings completed quickly, I sat for a time looking at the space and imagining how it looked a year ago.  I’m so pleased with the transformation and also so very grateful for the opportunity to be here, to own my home (or at least hold a reasonable mortgage to one) and find a measure of comfort and peace. My community now is smaller, we’re close to the very edge of town where it’s quiet and less chaotic.  I truly love it.

The heat of the desert here in Arizona takes some getting used to.  But this time of year is so beautiful.  It took me a year but we finally got screens on the windows and I took full advantage yesterday throwing the windows open wide to let in the most delicious warm breezes. I sat quietly and listened to the birds sing, children at play and the sounds of my part of the city absent the usual consistent drone and hum of air conditioning units. I’ve been out of the house only twice in the last two weeks.  It is a troubling time and getting necessities has been difficult.  But, when we can get a hold of those things that are missing, I completely reject every urge to stockpile.  We take just what we need so that there will be enough for all.  After four days of searching the internet, I actually found a place to order Toilette Paper from.  Sheesh!  But I still ordered only one 10 pack.  That will arrive about the time we run out.  I refuse to hoard and so every week that goes by, I pray there will be just what we need somewhere.

Grocery store shopping yesterday was better than the week before.  But it’s funny the things people are hoarding.  There was hardly any meat left in the stores, no rice, no pasta, barely any water, no snacks, ibuprophen gone, no Tylenol, no hydrogen peroxide, no laundry soap, no dish soap, and no cleaning supplies or paper products and we went to two stores.  I refuse to contribute to the problem.  I rearrange our meal plans to work with what we’ve got.  What else would we do?  We continue to support the local restaurants with orders several times a week because, again, what else would we do? We stay home unless absolutely required.

I’m fortunate that no one in my household is ill and I pray for all of those who have been exposed and those who have lost loved ones.  My heart aches for them.  I could swear one of my kids had this nasty virus back in January based on the symptoms and the duration.  But she made it through just fine and fortunately, the rest of us did not get it.  One in my household has a compromised immune system so every day, I pray.  With such a long duration of the incubation period, I think we still have another 7 days before we know if he was exposed.  After going out and about yesterday, I suppose we have another 14 days until we know if we were exposed.  Is this how we have to live now? I can't hold these kinds of thoughts for long. I have to learn to just be in the moment, accept what is.  Worry won't change this situation we all find ourselves in will it?

It’s quiet here now.  I’m sipping coffee in my beautiful home, cat purring beside me, birds singing joyfully outside.  It’s a cool Spring morning and I’ve opened the blinds to let the beautiful light in.  I don’t know what this day will hold but I pray it is quiet comfort and simple tasks.  Mundane and the ordinary are what I look forward to.  Peaceful activities, maybe some creative ones too will ease the back drop of anxious undertones for existence at the moment.  The world seems a bit surreal just now.  The things we're used too are different and we must strive to do our best to just be present, let go of the worry and just be here now.  In the now, it is less surreal, less worrisome, and holds this vast sense of just okay and you know what?  That’s not so bad considering the state of affairs.  Keep your chin up, take a breath, try to make a positive difference, check on your people, your neighbors and your friends.  Try to find ways to keep yourself up, going, and healthy.  Pray, meditate, and use this time to relax as much as you can.  I don’t know why at all honestly, but I still have this sense of everything is going to be alright.  Maybe not instantly, or even overnight, but this feeling is comforting and whether delusional or not, I’m going to try to hold onto it, breathe into it and do what I can to send that energy outward – calm, peaceful, healthy and okay!  Blessings to you all.

Copyright 2020 Jaie Hart (photos/words)

 

Random Thoughts on The Decade Passing

I sit in the cool and darkness becoming light. The sun slowly greets the day and me, here, mind empty and heart full. Not only does another year come to a close but the end of another decade does too. I don’t know where the time has gone.  It trickled away bit by bit while I was busy with other things.  Don’t get me wrong; the time I spent, I am most grateful for. My grandfather barely saw 54 years and my father never did.  Their time here was brief, so much so that I barely knew either of them. I send them my love wherever they are and hold nothing but gratitude for the blessings their existence brought me.

I have in my pocket, a seeming lifetime of good and hard life lessons learned in just this last decade and although I don’t care to repeat them (and pray I never do again), a part of me has come to terms.  A part of me is glad to be nothing else but simply present.  I’ve made so many changes in just the past 10 years.  I’ve come to a number of realizations.  They are by far too many to recite here and likely, they’d bore you to tears, but my life isn’t for anyone else’s entertainment but mine I suppose.

I used to think I knew where I was going and what I was doing as well as why but the funny plot twist in my life is that I never knew a thing.  Learning that now, is a very strange blessing.  I don’t know where I’m going and I do whatever it is that I am called to do without attempting the pre-determining of the outcome.  The results are more entertaining when it’s a surprise any way.  I’ve seen dreams shattered and brilliantly born in this past decade.  It’s been a joy, all of it.  But its strange to feel more self-assured not knowing what will happen.  It’s not as fearful when you truly know you can trust yourself to manage whatever it is that presents itself squarely upon your path to contend with.  If it is that and only that I have learned in this past decade, it was all well worth it.

The next decade holds just as much promise - of that I have no doubt.  So, I’ll slip into it gently, in full awareness of the past, pure enjoyment of the present and much hope and faith for the future, whatever it brings.  I’ve had seasons come and go, family and friends too.  It’s always a challenge to say goodbye but there is a strange comfort and peace in letting go and letting things and people be just as they are – even if far away.

When I look at the miniature world of this life I have created, I am content.  It isn’t perfect and I think that is the best part of it.  The beauty in the imperfection…it can sometimes seem magical.  To dare to be and do whatever it is your heart calls for is an amazing experience.  I say, pick up and move, go and explore, be a stranger in a strange land, be anonymous in the crowd, be one with the energy and stand in awe and wonder of every moment of every day.  Stand in the sunlight and feel the warmth.  Stand under a vast and depthless seeming sky and feel every single star and planet. Know the motion of it all is not only something you witness, but something you are a part of.

The ripples and waves we create in this life can be good ones if we can simply learn to relax and flow.  I don’t know.  It’s been a while since I have allowed myself to wax contemplative.  No reason behind that really, it’s just a side effect of staying ever-present.  Thinking really big thoughts is cool and all of that but it is entirely another thing all-together to just be so very present in a moment to truly appreciate all the moment has to offer you…the richness, the simplicity, the breath, the heart beating, the sensing and gently holding and then letting go.  It is a different sort of magic I guess and that is what the last decade brought me.  It brought me a deeper appreciation for all that is just exactly as it is while letting go of any thoughts depending upon some egotistical desire to change things or people. The now moment is a powerful thing. And it is right there for you, Now. How will you experience it?

I wish for you as this decade comes to a close, many realizations, the beautiful culmination of lessons learned, laughter, love, hope, courage and faith for the next one that comes to your door.  Breathe in; Breathe out.  You’ve got this and the Universe has got you!  Thank all that is good! 

 

© 2019, photo and words.

Observation of the Breath - A Gift

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The Birds are beginning to stir as my little coffee pot finishes its fine brew.  It has been a rough week but beautiful too.  Strange happenings in the world this week have my mind and energy stretched out far and wide.  To all who suffer, I pray for comfort and peace.  To all who feel lost, I pray for the deepest feeling of home and love.  For all those worried and in mourning, I send great gentleness and even more love.  For all those out there trying to make this world a better place, ROCK ON!  You got this!  We’ve all got this, really.

I’ve thrown all the windows open to let in the breeze, as slight as it may be.  I’ve a full day of things to do and places to be.  My mind has been stirred so much these last few days, sleep hardly greeted me at all last night.  The coffee seems exceptionally good just now.  My last post was very sad so I really felt I wanted to post something a little bit lighter.  I just don’t know if I can deliver.  I try.  I always try.

Were it not for the kindness of complete strangers this week, I probably would have been a total wreck.  Dealing with loss is never easy, even when you know in your heart that those loved ones who leave us go to a better place.  The energetic void of their non-physical presence is very real to a grieving heart.  But so is the very real presence of hope, acceptance, perseverance and love.  I have all of these things and employ them to help me through a challenging time.

Grief is not so terrible a thing.  It just seems like it at first.  As I sit here quietly thinking this morning I realize the beauty of the feeling that underlies the grief.  It is overwhelming at times only due to the overwhelming love shared for a time.  That is not horrible.  It is so very beautiful.  Each wave of heaviness that makes its way towards me, I let crash directly into me.  I hold no fear for grief and mourning.  I hold steady knowing the truth of this delicate and gentle time. 

Grief, you must know, can take physical form in aches, pains and severely lacking sleep.  This is okay.  It is just part of the process.  We breathe with more purpose in the dark seeming times.  Each breath serves a greater purpose when you are dealing with loss.  With great mindful presence can you withstand the waves of heaviness and the winds of change you must now contend with.  What begins will end and it is only a matter of time.  Feeling the emotion is hard and scary but less so if you don’t let that fear begin to control the process.  It seems only natural to contend also with fear…how will I ever get through this?  We might begin to think at times.  But, you do get through it…one breath and one step at a time and often with many pauses along the way to lean towards your memories.  I smile today with memories of happier times, sweet and gentle times.  I am not discouraged by loss.  I am encouraged by the love I still and always feel.  Maybe that gets me through.  Maybe it is truly the strongest faith I have In myself and my Maker to help get me through this and I will get through this.

My thoughts localize and I take a sip of my coffee.  In the distance I hear the cars passing on the freeway and the birds slowly preparing for the day.  Its dark still this morning and I can hear someone’s alarm going off in the distance.  I just wish them well.  I hear the leaves moving ever so slowly in the trees outside of my window now and then when a gentle sea breeze lifts them up.  I hear the whir and whine of my neighbor’s air conditioner and my coffee pot clicking as it stays warm on the burner.

Today I collect the ashes of my beloved little friend.  I won’t lie and say that doesn’t hurt but my mind is now ready to embrace any emotion because I know I can breathe, I know I can move and I know I can master this part of the process no matter how hard it may be for me.  Today I have hope and faith and I know that I can smile and laugh.  I can give comfort to others and share whatever it is I can to lend a little gentleness to their day.  There is a shift inside when we are dealing with loss.  The little cracks and fissures that seem to grow within our hearts isn’t just the heart breaking.  It is also a beautiful opening.  I intend to let that continue every day.  Every day. 

In a miserable tearful moment this week, I asked for a sign that my little friend was okay and do you know what I got?  The sign.  It came and it is too personal and precious to share but my heart hurts a little less today and I’m really grateful.  I can do this today – this life, these tasks and things.  I will treat myself later to a massage to help ease all the places the grief has temporarily stored itself and I will breathe in every beautiful ray of sunlight with a heart-felt smile today if for no other reason than that is just what I do. 

Whenever it feels like the pain is pulling all hope away from you, stop, take a breath and maybe another and another.  Slowly center your thoughts on your breathing.  Slowly center your thoughts on each sound you hear.  Notice your emotions swirling but don’t give them an ounce more importance than your breath.  Stay focused in these moments for just a few minutes.  Realize you are not your grieving and are certainly not your pain.  These are just parts of an experience you are witnessing in your life.  Observe the experience, feel the experience and just breathe.  For any of you grieving I pray you are enfolded in gentleness and wrapped in love and sweetness.  Consider ways you can bring yourself more of this energy.  You will get through this best by getting through this.  If you are a friend of someone suffering loss, give to them gentleness, presence if they want it and comfort if they need it.  Keep following up. It is a gift to be that light for someone walking through a dark part of their life journey.   

May you be comforted, may you be blessed.

© 2017, Jaie Hart (photo/words)

A Day in an Ordinary Life

I didn’t sleep much last night.  I’m not sure why on one hand and on the other, I’m not surprised at all.  Social media is teaming with fear, fear and well, some more fear.  I wasn’t consciously engaged in it much as I know it is just the political machinations of a new administration at the core of it.  As if the change were not enough to send people over the edge, then there is what comes next, more change.  I finally got myself up at 4:30 am and engaged in my ordinary routine...there was a shower and coffee in my immediate future and, well, it’s Friday and I’ve got the day off.

A day off for a mom doesn’t always work out to be anything else but not showing up at the office.  I had children to get to school, chores on a timeline (aka, the trash-truck comes this morning) and I’ve got old furniture to schedule for a pick up, appointments to schedule and correspondence to attend to.  In the midst of all this my mind drifts to the cool weather and the first real Winter for us in California in a few years.  The rain washed everything clean and now we’ve got a strong cool wind blowing everything away.  The trees look so bare with few rebel leaves holding tight against the wind.  The skies are so blue and I’m grateful, so warm here tapping away at the keys on my computer.

Such an exciting life, isn’t it?  Sometimes I allow the stray thoughts of dissatisfaction to roam and I just notice them without attaching much importance to them.  I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have what I wanted most, to be a Mother, to have my own place and to be able to carry myself and my family through this world.  I’m far from carefree though.  I’ve got a shoulder injury we don’t know the origins of and weeks ahead of chiropractic care and painful physical therapy.  It’s a bit daunting and frustrating but I’ll do whatever it takes because I can’t lose the use of my arm, I’m only 50 for goodness sake and intend to enjoy the rest of my life!

I’m not overly optimistic about our little part of the world here of late but I hold fast to a state of curiosity and fight off the doomsdayer's words looking away from them at every turn.  I just don’t see much use in engaging in dreadful thoughts about a horrid future.  I can’t engage with the people bashing women or anyone else for marching for what they believe in or the others engaging in wholly unsavory behavior ruining the world they live in because of someone they think is ruining their world.  This makes no sense to me.  I’m a peaceful soul who holds compassion truly for all sides.  I understand.  Everyone does the thing they think is best for them, they act out sometimes, terrorize sometimes but none of it matters in the way they think.  They take global things personally and personal things globally and it’s all like some far out and crazy circus of madness if you ask me.

Today, I’m going to be home, resting.  I may write a bit, color in the gorgeous coloring books my partner and children bought me and maybe resign myself to letting the world be as it is and love it any way for its multi-faceted display of experiences.  Life is truly amazing when you shift your perspective to one of observation without emotional attachment to specific outcomes.  It doesn’t create the horrid apathy one thinks. Instead, at least for me, it creates a greater appreciation within me for diversity, expression and the varied perspectives we hold.  I may not like everything that is happening in the world right now but I know that the only thing I can bring to it is my loving attention, positive energy, respect and appreciation right now.  Anything else I might engage in emotionally, might not be so positive or uplifting for me or those around me.   

I will do my best to see a better world and ignore those who attempt so vigorously to cram fear in my face and destroy the true love, compassion and peace in my soul.  I won’t let them even if I know they mostly mean well.  I may be unpopular in my approach to what is but I’ll not waste energy where it is not needed.  I just can’t bring myself to add to the negative energy of it all and believe me, there is a LOT of negative energy permeating all communication channels just now.  So, I will do what I can.  I will pray, support organizations that I think make a difference, fight hard to stay positive, optimistic and more that those in power will learn about what truly serves humanity, that the people will learn what truly serves and what doesn’t and mostly, above all else, I’ll pray for everyone mired in fear and those who need help and healing at this time.  Some day in the life huh?  Pretty low key, pretty boring and un-sensational.  But for me, it is calm and peaceful amidst chaos.  It seems it's always like that.  I don’t mind so much any more.  Blessings of peace, of hope and calm for all.

 

© 2017 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

Roles and Plays

How many times have I engaged in a play only to realize the part doesn't suit me?  I am afraid that I have most certainly lost count.  Even more times have I pleaded kindly with the writer of the screen play to cast me in a more appealing role only to have said same writer/director refuse me and insist on manipulating, shaming or imposing guilt upon me to remain in a miserable and overly dramatic play in the most horrid of ghastly and ghostly roles.  Having no choice then and heart-broken, I cast the script down at his or her feet and walked off the stage never to return.  How many more times will it be so?  I shall not answer any more casting calls and rather, I think I shall design my own screen play and it's one in which psychology is infinitely stable, love is spiritually at the core so very strong and optimism and curiosity shall guide every line, action and scene in a complete absence of judgement and inability to see the beauty of all of the play's participants.  I shall endeavor to initiate my own casting call and perhaps it is that I shall engage in said activities very soon.  But not now, I think.  I'm too busy writing, too busy creating, too busy healing the frustration from past roles gone awry and so very engaged in embracing all that is beauty, love and light in this amazing world.  Sadly, I suppose I did not clearly understand the roles I had unintentionally agreed to play.  I thought I was answering a certain call only to find the bait and switch trap had been laid.  But I cannot be trapped as a free-will human and shall be no one's victim of poor writing and directing even though I understand the point and the cause from which the roles were blindly created.  With great love I can find understanding and forgiveness but I cannot be manipulated, possessed or coerced into anything that does not align with the truth of my being.

For now, I tire of roles and plays.  I tire of trips and traps.  I dream of scenes more beautiful than most souls could ever even begin to imagine and I shall not settle for anything that is not in pure and beautiful alignment with my truest desire.  So, I go...practicing the lines in my head, creating the sets and scenes with graceful fluidity and openness enough to entertain those things I had not quite yet imagined.  I am not without hope or great faith and inside of me is a love that burns so pure and so bright.  I will never settle for a two-bit part in some psycho drama created by a soul overly mired in illusion to the point that they have so sadly lost touch with their pure love and light.  In my heart of hearts, I know I deserve by far much better than that and so, I must be always much better than that.  I do not fear my ability in any regard.  What I fear a little is the substance and volume of the pool of actors and co-creators of this dream here at this time.  But I have been encouraged to never give up hope on a dream, to lend my love and light to it instead always and trust in full faith it shall be just as I intend and create.  I smile from my soul now feeling the truth.

If you do not care for the roles you have been cast in, rewrite the role or step out of the play and create your own.  You are always infinitely empowered to do so. ~ In love and in light, I wish you all perfectly beautiful and inspiring dreams.

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)