Saturday, November 15, 2008

Scattered Thoughts

I woke before the sun this morning. I sat up slowly feeling like I was an actress playing a role in someone else’s life. I felt distant and disconnected like the events and the words of the past few days were a story someone told me. The memories started to get closer and I became conscious of the heaviness in my heart and my eyes filled with tears that would not fall. There just weren’t enough left. I stepped into the shower and thought hard about letting the water carry away the heaviness, let the warmth fill the cold places within. I distracted myself with routine as I made my way down stairs focused on making some coffee. I stepped outside in the dark. Again I saw the silvery glow of the moon, a waning moon covering everything in an eerie light. It wasn’t cold this morning. I stood their warm, the breeze gently blowing, the ocean silent and I leaned to my left against the wall as a pang of pain momentarily took my strength but I quickly recovered. I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply disgusted to be stuck using this crutch but realizing that was a problem I couldn’t focus on today.

I sent up a prayer for the object of my feelings praying that he didn’t feel any of this and hoping my instincts were right and knowing my actions taken on my intuition about the right thing for me to do would pull me through. I sent up a prayer once again for healing for me, for gentleness and tenderness to settle over my soul. I’m proud of myself as I stand here in the moon light. I did what I thought was right for me and I have to settle into my resolve. I am content for the most part but just want to move away from this heaviness. I breathe in the moonlight and realize I am mourning something I never really had and that the true source has nothing to do with the events of the last few days. Maybe it’s more of a yearning in my soul for my soul mate or something and now I have no distraction from the truth. I don’t know why love is so important to me. It’s brought me nothing but pain and heart ache but I cannot close myself off from it any more, I just can’t. I’ve learned so much about the pain I’ve carried reflected back to me from the people who have been close to me. As each one came into my life and then left me, I became more healed and more whole. Hard won lessons that’s for sure.

Perspective starts to dawn along with a little peace as I hear the coffee maker finish brewing. I step back inside, walk to the cupboard and take out one of my favorite cups. I’m remembering the moment of purchase, a happy time; I let it go. I open the refrigerator for some cream noting the mess my daughters have made of it and feel a pang of anxiety but then I let it go also. I pour some cream in my cup, then a little more, put it back in the door of the refrigerator and close it. I walk over to the pot, noticing the rich warm smell and I flash back to a moment sipping coffee in the morning light with my friend. I wince a bit at the memory, tear up a bit and decide to let it go. I pour some coffee and take a deep breath reminding myself that it’s the first days following change that are the hardest. Soon my memories will stop torturing me and I’ll smile at the times I shared with my friend. I pull my consciousness out to an observer position and see how the ego tortures me with thoughts of wanting to call him and tell him never mind, I didn’t mean what I said and that I just want him to hold me. But then sanity returns as I realize that I cannot hold on in the absence of feeling at a level I want and a level I needed. I’m not as confused as I seem to be. I chose a familiar path with my friend and realize my friend was a familiar teacher. I had to back track, go back to the beginning to that place where our paths converged. I am, gladly in that same frame once again, a little fearful, a bit questioning and a whole lot hopeful about the future and pursuing my dreams. I’m optimistic again even though I feel a little heavy. I know that this heaviness will pass as my energy and focus are pulled back inward and I realize the bit of a hole I feel inside was generated by the energy I gave away. It’s coming back to me, slowly and I know that I will feel better soon, stronger soon, more whole very soon.

I sat down grateful for the view outside this morning. I was thankful, so thankful for this lesson most recently learned. I am hopeful that my friend and I may still keep in touch as I do like knowing that he’s there. I hope in time he can forgive me. I know at least he understands because he told me so. I’m glad, really glad for that at least. I’ve had way too many emotionally traumatic experiences in the last 3 years and I really need to fight and focus hard on restoring my energy, my strength and my sanity to normal levels. I realize that is a journey that can be taken only with intense love for the self, with incredible courage and bravery. I have to have a lot of faith in myself and in whatever plan the universe has in store for me. I need to pay attention, feel and then let go of draining things.

My thought for today could be explained more clearly were they not so scattered. So maybe the thoughts for today are just to sit back and observe how they become scattered and what scatters them. Maybe you sit back and relax and just let them go where ever the take you. Maybe you don’t try so hard to judge or belittle them. I guess maybe you give yourself a moment to be in the moment and to feel whatever it is that you feel and then be done with that and let it go. Then go back to your life and move through it in peace, allowing yourself to feel that peace and knowing that everything, every thought, every persona and action you encounter happens for a reasons. You should know that every moment is worth paying keen attention to. That’s it for today. Be peaceful.

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