I stepped outside early this morning with a fresh cup of coffee in hand. As always, I glanced up at the dark sky hoping to see something. I felt the chill of the morning temperature that’s been dropping a little each day. There was no morning sea breeze to be felt. I noticed there were no stars in sight at all and that a fairly thick blanket of fog had covered all that I could see. A bright spot momentarily appeared in the sky and there I saw a waning crescent moon. It’s light seemed to pulse as the fog thickened and thinned way up above the houses. It gave me a peaceful feeling that was oh so very welcome.
Last night felt, temporarily, like the end of the world. I felt like an overburdened shopping cart the universe kept pilling challenge after challenge and emotion after emotion. The wheels beginning to creak and groan under the sheer weight of what I’ve had to contend with. I allowed the feelings of pity to take hold and knew that would only be a temporary concession. It felt awful. I felt victimized. I had grown weary of people attempting to hurt me just because they have some sick and twisted sense of entitlement as well as imperfect mental stability. I felt down-trodden finding something I wanted I had to send away. I felt frustrated that I make a fantastic amount of money but shortages in a few areas and unexpected illness of a family pet has left me struggling in a huge way to make ends meet. If only the ones that owed me would pay me back, I’d be right back on track but they just may not be part of my reality.
So, I just gave into all of these feelings. I noticed them all. I validated them all and I let these things drive me to tears. The release that followed was peaceful. I found myself in meditation at bed time. I worked hard to mentally clear the negative energy, the accumulated dark spots of pain and at the same time I prayed for help knowing I was in over my head. All at once I felt calm, warm, sheltered and certainly not forgotten. I know things will get better because I will do my part to make things better and I will be met with the help I need. For whatever reason, I needed to go through these things. I’m becoming okay with it all. I’m surrendering to what is because I cannot change any of the things that lead up to these feelings. I cannot look back and change the past and I cannot spend time trapping myself in the false illusion of tomorrow. I have to be here, now, very in the present moment as that is the only way for me to exist. When I clear away the fog of emotions in my mind and tell myself “I am here now,” I become acutely aware in the moment, I feel the stress these emotions have placed on me physically and I breathe in the air and some light to help me heal all of my weak and wounded parts.
The lesson here is not to become disheartened, cynical or depressed but rather to just view all of the things I’ve been through, understand what has happened and why and then just keep breathing while I place one foot with thoughtfulness and awareness in this present moment while I journey. As I often say, the journey is the destination. Peace
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