Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Missing Peaces

Today was a strange day. I really felt out of sorts from the moment I woke up before my alarm all the way up until now. I guess emotional stuff can really put you through the wringer. There really is no use in fighting it, you know. The only thing you can really do is surrender to whatever you are feeling realizing that for whatever reason you are choosing to feel the way you do whether or not you consciously are aware. So, you might as well relax into your unconscious seeming decision and figure out why. Maybe you just need to process something so you’ll remember how you feel and in the future you might make other choices in reaction or response to life’s events.

I’m nursing a bit of a broken heart but it’s not really broken. A more accurate description might be that I had a hope that wasn’t panning out so I changed direction. In deciding to change direction I have to give myself time to mourn the hopes I once held and love myself enough to let them go. I have for the most part and what I’m feeling now are mere reverberations, echoes if you will. They linger because I’m choosing to let them but I’m not sure why. I really don’t wish to feel out of sorts. I wish to feel whole and happy. I think for the most part I’m still in touch with those feelings as well. Maybe I’m just tired. I cannot begin to go into the sheer emotional upheaval I’ve dealt with. I’ve written some about it but I can’t tell you the emotional hell it has felt like. I’ve been imprisoned for the last two years, seemingly, by my own emotions. Granted, others pushed hard to get me here but I let them. I let them because I had expectations along the lines of common decency I expected to experience but there were aspects of a couple of souls that were neither common nor decent and they sought to and succeeded in hurting me to the core.

So, I picked myself up and dusted myself off thinking, “wow, lesson learned.” My version of common decency doesn’t apply to a couple of people that were close to me. All I can think about was how I should have been more aware and less in denial so I could have protected myself better. I could have lowered my expectations or been more in the moment, more thoughtful, less engaged in my own ego and I might have seen some things coming. Again, “wow, lesson learned.” So, now what? I’m not sure. I guess I need to just sort of turn my heart around. The only way I know how to do that is to focus on those things I appreciate and the people I truly love and want the best for. I appreciate the colors and wonders of God’s Earth and just be glad to be alive and breathing. I will appreciate the love of my truest friends, my children and the companionship my beautiful co-workers provide every day. Some are as wonderful as family and they’ve been with me a long time. I’m truly blessed.

When I shift my perspective to gratitude, I start to come back to myself. I notice I start to feel okay. When I take a deep breath and say, “I am acutely aware of this moment and in this moment I am more alive than ever,” all my worries, the pain, the trauma, the worries, the guilt, the shame, the frustration and all of it just seems to disappear. I write this and at this moment realize how tense I become turning my awareness away from this moment to order fighting children who have resorted to physical violence very loudly to stop and do what I asked them to do. Momentarily the appreciation slips away and I just want to go to sleep. That’s the one thing I take great pleasure in lately and I’m not depressed…just processing tough emotions…and processing while my little ones inadvertently attempt to push every button I have. I’m too tired to hide the buttons tonight and its so hard. When I need them to be calm and loving because I am at wit’s end it seems they are at each other’s throats and playing the tattle tale game until I’m ready to pull out all of my hair. But, this stage I know will pass in the blink of an eye and I will miss it terribly. It’s a double edged sword it seems. I’m growing very weary of double edged swords lately and I think I shall find scabbards with titanium locks and throw away all keys. That might give me a bit of reprieve.

Well, my resolve for this thought is to just surrender. I need to stop fighting for peace because the act of fighting for it places the focus on not having it. I would much rather be grateful for peace and feel it than to continue to fight for the seemingly unachievable. Ghandi said something along the lines of be the peace you want to see. I guess I need to figure out what that looks like in a family setting and get to work employing some lessons in my own behavior. Hopefully, I might learn how to do this. I think for tonight I will give up looking for meanings, thinking of solutions and slip into my nice comfy bed, turn on the discovery channel and watch something beautiful. That will help…a nice and peaceful visual diversion with little siblings off to sleep leaving the rivalry on the night stand table until morning as usual. My thought for today, well it’ll be for tomorrow…is just to be where ever you are and know that where ever you are and whatever you are feeling you will ultimately be okay. You’ll be okay because you have the strength and fortitude to muster that much faith in yourself. If I can do it, so can you…making up your mind to that end truly is half the battle, even, maybe, a little more than half. May you be the peace I so wish to see and behold in this moment (smiles). Have a blessed day!

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