Sunday, November 9, 2008

It’s cool here in the dark. The gusting wind has settled now to a gentle consistent breeze. I gaze up at the sky in search of my sparkling friends but don’t find them in abundance as I usually do. Instead, however, I’m mesmerized by a partly cloudy sky, a waxing moon more than half way to full and peace sitting here alone on my swing. I sit here often at night to gain perspective, feel the world from outside of my home and to collect my thoughts. I’m really adrift tonight in a sea of thoughts that are so tangled up I can’t pull them apart to comprehend them. I’m feeling a little numb emotionally. I’m not happy nor am I sad. I don't feel angry or frustrated just something else, this nebulous stasis where nothing is moving. I feel stuck but the frustrating thoughts that would normally accompany such a feeling seem very distant. I know they’re out there on the horizon but they can’t get to me. I feel like I’m right smack in the center of the eye of a large hurricane of emotion. It’s calm and peaceful as if all the troubling emotions are being kept at bay by something strong and unseen.

I’m grateful for the distance of emotion tonight. I have of late been thinking mostly of my troubles, my struggles, my challenges and pain. I could dwell on my woes and worries but I just can’t bring myself to exert the energy to articulate them just now. It’s almost as if somewhere I’m clearly thinking that the more I write about them and tell the story, the more these things are reinforced in my sphere of existence and I can’t say that I’m really on board with doing that any more. Maybe it’s simply time to acknowledge painful things and decide to really let them go, cut all associated cords and just let them fall away. If only doing that would line up the physical sensations and emotions as quickly as the cords were cut. I know it doesn’t work that way. For the most part I think I just have to let go of hope for changing things that cannot be changed. The last cut is not the deepest for sure here and I really must just decide to truly let go. So, here in the dark with the moonlight flooding down through hazy clouds I imagine the cord between me and a certain other individual severed by angels with large glowing swords. Where the cuts have been made I say a prayer for healing those wounds once and for all and I take a deep cleansing breath and let it out slowly, emptying all remnants of the negative energy that connection once held. I’m free at last.

The emotions will wash over me in waves for some time but I’ll be prepared to handle them. The swells are out there beyond the wall of storm clouds I feel and they’ll come close and I’ll relax into it and drift keeping my head above the surface. When you relax into a current it carries you. When you fight it you tire and go under too easily. I’m not going under any more, the weight of the cord has been lifted and already, sitting here alone in the moonlight, I feel so much lighter, a bit relieved but still numb. I feel very alone suddenly. Physically, I’m always surrounded by family, co-workers and friends so I’m not physically alone. This is an imaginary feeling of loneliness. It is not a real feeling and I think it’s my ego frustrated at not having its way or maybe not being able to change anything. It’s okay, that aspect of the being that is me will also get used to change, thinking differently and letting go. I don’t need any self-righteousness complicating my life. I don’t need frustration and pain inflicted on me from a certain direction any more. What I need is this peace. Rather than viewing this numb feeling as something bad, I’m starting to see it as protection. Whatever holds the emotions at bay is also protecting me from being completely overwhelmed so I need to just appreciate that.

There are times in life when the silence is deafening. The silence tonight, out here in the dark is comforting. If I listen real hard I can hear the wind rustling the leaves in the trees. I can hear the tiny metal boxes rushing to destinations with occupants not giving a second thought to their journey. I can hear slight movements of people close by. It feels good knowing my fellow humans are close by and I realize now that my woes are like a tiny grain of sand at the bottom of a sea of other humans with problems more prolific than mine. Again I feel small and insignificant. Maybe that’s part of it too, I don’t want to be insignificant. I know of four souls who will never consider me so and they know that I’ll always feel the same. I have a desire I’m wrestling with and I’m not sure why, perhaps its something I really should also let go of…not forever but just for a time until other areas of my life grow more peaceful.

I send up a prayer in the dark for those who are struggling by far worse than I. I pray for my mom, I pray God has sent a host of angels to watch over her. I say a prayer for my children and for my ability to continue to live up to my responsibilities regarding their love and care. I sit quietly now just relaxing in this temporary place of no movement of significant thoughts. I come to terms with it feeling like it does and realize I should do what I always do, just relax into this feeling, see it as a gift instead of something to worry about and know that my faith and trust in myself, our Maker and my world are strong and all will be well as it always turns out to be for us. Again I look up at the sky grateful for a moment to appreciate the view, for a moment to think, for a moment to acknowledge my path and direction no matter how obscure it might seem at the present. I pull myself up, pause for a moment looking at the lights inside my home. I smile knowing the love that exists in that tiny little place and feel pure gratitude for the opportunity to be at the helm within it. Life might be hard at times for us but love will always keep us together and help us help each other make it through.

My thought for today is that there are just days where the thoughts won’t seem to come. There are days when the problems are apparent and solutions nebulous and dissipating like smoke. There are days when love reigns supreme and there are days you can’t feel it at all. There are days you feel weak and small and there are days where you radiate strength and competence. No matter what the challenge of the day is, one thing is true…you will get through it and the only way to get through it is one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time, one thought at a time. Having faith in life, in God’s plan, in the love you have inside pulling you through both your darkest and brightest hours is key. May God bless you and yours, may He keep you and yours safe, healthy and happy and provide you all with an abundance of love and blessings to comfort you.

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