Friday, November 14, 2008

For a Season

The moon is full this morning spilling bright silvery light all over what is usually very dark ground and the waves, I can hear, are crashing loudly with abandon on the shore a half block away. It’s cold out this morning and it seems appropriate. I’m raw this morning due to a season of learning with a very special friend I fell in love with but who never knew and I think maybe he didn’t want to know. It’s okay, I’ll treasure the season for it was surely amazing in so many ways. I’ll miss him I think for a very long time.

I learned during this season that you absolutely cannot help who you fall in love with. It just isn’t possible but it is possible to decide whether you should stay or go. I sensed something a few months back I really didn’t want to know so played with denial as long as I could. I just woke up one day and realized I couldn’t do it anymore. What I was looking for in another was love, openness and emotional availability. I couldn’t have that with the man I loved even though I wanted it with all that I am. I tried different ways to cope for me so that I might hold on to the friendship as long as I could but I learned it was just no good. I decided I just couldn’t stay and as absolutely painful as it was to let go, letting go was the right thing for me to do.

I cried myself to sleep last night. As a person with co-dependent personality traits, I’m so challenged when it comes to relationships and love. I love openly but tend to love the people who are not going to be a good fit for me in the long run. I don’t do that on purpose. These are fine people but as time goes by you learn that some things will work and some won’t. It used to be I tried my best to guilt and manipulate people into doing the right thing as I saw it but with this last friend, who I truly loved just the way he was, I saw no reason to fight or to get him to be anything other than exactly who he was. I realized that if who he was caused pain for me, it was my obligation to change and do something different. There was no need for fighting or screaming at him to change because it was hurting me. This was a lesson of expression for me, an opportunity to stand up, although I loved him and tell him that what I wanted was not what I had and that I really needed what I wanted, I don’t fault him and pray that at some level we can remain friends in the strictest sense. I know he will understand because he truly is a wonderful man. He’s just a wonderful man looking for something different than I’m looking for.

The beauty of love, the best parts include honoring your own love for yourself and the actions you take to support love of the self. Taking actions in accord with your truth even if that means being alone is so liberating and freeing. I will be so lonely at times without my friend. He’s been there every weekend for a season and the memories will be bittersweet for a while but I owed myself correct action, I owed myself protection and I owed myself the strength to stand up for me and what I know I need. I could stand up and be right in this situation without making him wrong. Sometimes taking actions in accord with self does not bring instant gratification. It’s more along the lines of an investment that you put effort into and trust that the payoff will be good. My actions to stand up for myself and my truest needs are not feeling pleasant, warm and fuzzy at the moment. I feel raw and painfilled. It’s to be expected and I will pull my way out and I will heal in time and the next time I will respond to something I face that isn’t quite in line with what is best for me even quicker. Although I was a bit disheartened to learn this lesson, I’m grateful it did not take me years to learn it this time. I reacted on a certain issue after a few weeks and then doubt and lack of clarity dwelled for a couple of months. The pain was setting in so I listened to myself, I wrote my friend a letter explaining what was happening with me, what my needs were, how much I really appreciated him and cared about him and then I said I had to go…I had to pursue my dream and heal myself on my own. This was a really tough lessons but I’m glad I learned it, I’m so grateful for this season and I am immeasurably grateful to have met this particular friend. My sincerest hope is that he will be able to maintain contact in time and that I one day hear that he has found the love of a lifetime that he has completely opened himself up to. That would be a wonderful gift and I hope I’m around to see it and share in his joy as a friend.

For now, my sights are set much closer to home. Feeling every ounce of pain, letting it hit and also appreciating the pride I hold for doing the right thing by me. That was no easy task for a person with co-dependent tendencies but although I am still making mistakes, my recognition factor is improving greatly and appropriate action is following more appropriately. That part makes me feel good. That’s what makes this feeling bittersweet. Triumph! I learned a lesson. Oh yeah, but the lesson hurts. But, my actions were true to a demonstration of self-love, finally…that’s good and I’m proud of me. I’ve got to run.

Thought for the day…where are you sacrificing yourself? Where are you ignoring your truth? Are you hurting yourself in any way to help another? If you can say yes to any of these things, get yourself a plan together to stop it as soon as possible. I can tell you that its by far easier, and less painful to do nothing, or so it will seem but if you don’t change these things the pain will be much greater later. Take actions that line up with who you really are and what you really want and be kind in the process where other people are involved, be honest and as sensitive as you can be and pray that your Maker, angels, muses whatever are with you helping guide your words and actions in line with truth. The pain is sweet when you align yourself and correct your actions. Sweet because you are doing something that is ultimately good for you…bitter because well, pain is pain and you will realize at some level that your choices lead you where you are. May you find peace, truth and light in your travels today.

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