General Gratitude

I left the windows open a bit too long.  Late winter days in California can be quite temperate but the moment the sun slips below the horizon, it’s very chilly.  I could get up and close the windows but for some reason, I like the chill in this moment.  Days on end of work, problem solving and then peace.  Life seems a bit, at the moment like the old shampoo commercials stuck on repeat – you know, rinse, wash and repeat.  It’s so quiet in my little neck of the world in this moment.  My sanctuary alive with evidence of happy children, sigh.  The birds are settling in for the night as my dishwasher hums and the washing machine spins.  I’m having quite a frenetically peaceful moment.  In fact, it feels as if I am about to burst out in laughter.  I recall a time earlier in life, sitting on the floor of my room in my dad’s house, staring out the window, begging for God to scroll the clock forward so summer would get here.  Unfortunately, some prayers are best not thought of.  I look back and see near 30 years have gone by since that moment.  I don’t have much of the things I think I wanted all of those years ago as a very young woman.  I can’t say I ever had them.  But I’ve got something else.  I have love and it does not come from anyone or anything.  I found it deep inside the core of me when all the rest of my cares were figuratively washed away.

 Now, for a fraction of a moment, my mind opens up to the pathways ahead of me.  I don’t know what the next part of life might bring me.  Will it be my dreams?  Will it be some more of the same?  Will it be more than I had ever hoped for?  I don’t know, I think as I sit here silently willing my fingers to keep tapping out these thoughts.  I do know that I will be content whether or not silly wishes and dreams have come true.  I can smile for all I’ve been permitted to accomplish – I say it that way because I know I’ve been helped along my path with every breath and step.  I own nothing of my own merits other than the love I have inside.  Hmmm, but even that was given to me before I arrived.  A precious gift, a spark of divine inspired love I shall carry with me until my time of departure, whenever that is.  Would I ever come back?  If given the choice, and knowing what I know now, I’m not sure.  Additional “knowing” may change my mind at some point in man’s time or even beyond it.  For now, I’m feeling so completely content.  Movement out of the corner of my eye catches my attention as I snap back to be present.  Peacefully, I’m gazing at soon to bloom Iris stems bending in a breeze as the last of the sun’s fiery rays etch them in flaming gold light.  I smile realizing what a beautiful place this is and for however long my stay shall be, I will remember this moment and all of those like it.  Those spacey distant feeling moments where nothing and everything seems thought of at once and no thought singled out can take hold in any feelings.  Well, other than general gratitude anyway.

I ramble tonight.  I do that sometimes.  ~Blessings for your journey.

(c) Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)