It’s interesting to me to think about the conflict that exists in the world, between nations, between families and even that conflict inherent within us all. As I sit outside and watch the sunrise yet again, feeling both peace and turmoil, I can’t but wonder about it’s purpose. To me, it seems, that we were born torn and conflicted. We have an ego that strives only to be heard—me, me, me and then we have soul consciousness that is all about relating, love and true inner peace. We have both inside of us and externally. But, what to do about it?
I’m not sure I have any answers. The deeper I dig into this topic, it seems the more questions I come up with. A lot of meditative practice seeks to disconnect the mind or the ego, if you will, in order to bring about a great sense of peace and well being. We must disconnect the mind in order to reconnect with the soul. I do not like to see one as better than the other. I think our Maker gave us both to contend with for a good reason. If we’re always seeking to better ourselves some good can come of that…well, unless too much environmental psychology has stepped in and warped any chance at a healthy perspective. But, our perspectives can be changed I have found. It takes only a willingness to consider something different.
So, while I don’t have any definitive answers, I know what works for me. When my mind seems in dire conflict with my soul, I know my ego is wrong. I know my ego has become fearful and wounded and I must decide to let go of whatever pain it holds and in such moments I need to connect more with my soul. It’s not all that easy on some days but I find ways that bring me there very quickly. When I am out in nature and my experience is on growth, the cycles of birth and death in plant life and I’m witness to the sounds of nature, the deep hum of life that sings in beautiful tones, I find I am free. When I see beauty in a flower, I can feel my soul and my ego has no need to debate what I see. When I see the beauty in a child, I can feel my own inner child and amazingly my ego has no need to debate what I see. When I look up at a cerulean sky with huge white cotton ball clouds, I feel a peace take over my soul and my ego has no need to debate what I see. My most favorite, the night time sky—filled with twinkling stars—in such moments I feel very small and insignificant and my ego has no need to argue or debate, it is in harmony with my soul.
It is only when it comes to human relations that my ego is set off. When I see the ugliness that comes from some souls, it is very difficult to see the behavior as pain and fear that should be understood and not battled with that I become very conflicted. My own development creates a reaction first that if I am not careful to consider my own thoughts, I might make decisions that contribute to the pain of others and when I engage in such behavior, I know I only contribute to my own pain. So, I try hard to circumvent the natural reactions of the ego and instead make a choice of non-reaction but that doesn’t mean I don’t still hurt when someone tries to hurt me. It’s that deep seated fear that maybe someone else is right. It’s pain that somewhere I overlooked that causes me to react at all. In such moments, I realize I need to let go of the interaction, separate from it and create a space of love that will allow people to be who they are, accept myself for who I am—pains and all and decide to choose a different response, one of love and understanding while I work through my own pain. The last thing in this world I would wish to do is bring more pain into it. I would rather focus inside, sit deep within the seat of my own soul and strive to let go of my own pain, fear and doubt so that I can heal. If I can heal my own pain and choose not to bring any more into this world, would I not create some sort of healing in the realm of my own existence? I’m not sure but the alternatives are just not something I can bear. I do not want to be part of a world where revenge and inflicting pain reigns supreme.
I slept uncomfortably with such thoughts as I drifted off to dream last night. The universe seemingly sending me back to review the past again and again. As if I’ve not looked already so much that I can remember even those things I should have forgotten and yet still the reminders come…the only thing I can think of is there are places within where I have not shown myself forgiveness for not seeing things coming, for choosing a low road when I had the chance to take a higher one and for being too trusting and gullible and helpless when I could have chosen otherwise. But I forgive those things right here and right now because I do not want to bring this world any more pain than it already carries. I don’t know how this all works but I know these truths: As above so below, as within so without…fear and love cannot co-exist and healing is a choice we make.
Whatever pain you carry in your hearts and minds, I wish you this: As you read these words, I pray that you choose healing, I pray that you choose love and I pray that you’ll walk in the light of the sunshine forever.
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