Wednesday, February 11, 2009

More Change...Just What I Need!

Well, parenthood is the focus of late and man, am I really getting an education. My oldest child is almost 19. For a year, she has done nothing but hide out in front of the computer screen. She hasn’t worked, doesn’t help much around the house and is royally mean to her siblings. She’s not doing drugs, isn’t hanging out late at night and I’ve done nothing but encourage her to get out, get a job and meet new people to enjoy reality as opposed to virtual reality. So, this has gone on for 18 months with no change…sometimes marginal in all fairness, but mostly no change. So, I get ready to have “the big talk” with her about…contribute to the household by doing your chores, lay off the little ones and get out and get a job or find a new place to live. I figured something drastic was what was going to be needed to get some kind of about face.

Well, my little sweetheart had a surprise for me. For the last two months she has been planning to move to the opposite coast with a male friend. Okay, my heart broke in that moment because I know how ill prepared she truly is but as she aptly reminded me…whether I think her decision is a mistake or not, it’s her decision to make and not mine. She’s right. How can I argue with that?! So, I had to back track and tell her what I think would make me feel less worried about her decision. Namely, buy a round-trip ticket with an open ended return date…that will help her with a way out if it doesn’t work out well. My motto has always been “plan for the worst but hope for and believe in the best outcome.” So, she agreed. I also told her it would be best to get a job fast so she can save up as much money as possible so she’ll have a little breathing room when she gets there…until she gets a job. So, instead of leaving in March, she’s going to wait until May. Ugh! Not enough time to save up much money but I do have a sneaky hope that getting a job here might introduce her to friends HERE that might make her want to stay HERE. Moving out would be a great idea for her…absolutely. She needs to test her wings. But, going without thinking or planning is just so not a good idea.

So, she got herself a job her first day out looking and I came home to a clean kitchen and living room. Amazing! If only she could have done this a while ago. I’m excited for her journey and think she is incredibly courageous for what she’s doing…to go so far from home her first time out…but then I realized, my daughter, who has also often times been my friend, is leaving me and all of a sudden I feel so very sad. If she was moving close by, I could visit or she could visit but the opposite end of the continent just won’t allow that so it’s a cut it quick, rip off the band aid kind of thing and I just don’t like it. I’ve got enough change to contend with right now and this one will be tough.

Aside from this, my boyfriend and I are moving in together in a few months, we’ll be renting a new place that is a bit less expensive and hopefully more roomy and then trying to adjust to all the kid’s comings and goings. At the same time, now my 9 year old has brought up wanting to go live with her dad. She misses him and I know how hard it is. I’ve suggested to her that she wait to finish 5th grade. When she changes schools to go to Junior high, it’ll be the perfect opportunity to make a change then. I don’t want her to go. My son did this just 2 years ago. So, I’m dealing with too much impending loss and potential loss and I’m feeling really sad and depressed. It’s hard but I know better than to get too worked up. Life’s happenings some times are just not about you and the changes, well, you get used to them eventually and move on. The day I learned my son wanted to live at his dad’s across the continent, I was devastated…it felt like the end of the world but I adjusted. Right now, I’m not adjusting. My oldest is at work, the two younger ones are out playing, my boyfriend is visiting family up north and I’m sitting here all by myself trying to make sense of my own feelings. It just feels weird. I’ve been tired for days despite going to bed early and…I’m quitting smoking this weekend. Ugh! Whatever, if you’re gonna go with change, go BIG, I guess. I’m also moving my office at work 18 miles south. It’ll be a closer drive and a nicer office (with a cafĂ© down stairs that proudly brews Starbuck’s). Too much to deal with.

So, I had a little glass of Bailey’s, smoked like 5 cigarettes and just decided that no matter what happens, I should never be afraid of my own feelings…even when I feel bad and like I want to crawl outside of my skin. I know that ultimately, balance will be restored because that’s just who I am. I got good news today that was a bright spot…I actually still get a bonus. It’s a few K shorter than normal but in today’s economy, that’s awesome and I’m grateful. Got an “A” on my annual evaluation and have lots of plans for the next year to get me busy. I also just published two books and hard-launched my website… I’ll certainly have more time for some side work and work that I love, helping people, so it’ll all be good. This too, no matter how difficult it seems, shall pass and life is still beautiful and amazing, the sky is still a beautiful cerulean blue, the sea breeze is still a comfort, and I’ve got lots of people in this world who love me. The cool part about all of it is after all the crazy stuff I’ve been through, I still love me and that’s how I know this will turn out just fine even though I don’t feel so hot right now. I realize I’m on change overload and ultimately it will be good and I’ll adjust. Wow, with kids moving out quicker than I expected, I may get to go back to school…take that journalism class I wanted to take, the psychology classes I wanted to take and well, start to focus on my impending move.

So, my thought for the day is this...I’m sort of having a really bad day today but even though I don’t feel good emotionally or physically right now, I fully realize this is just a normal response to life stress and I will adjust. I’m also still quitting smoking. That’ll make things seem worse but who knows…maybe the nicotine I’m ingesting now is making this all seem worse than it is now. I’m in for a rough couple days starting the day after tomorrow but, maybe I might actually be over the worst of it before my boyfriend gets home next week. That’d be a great surprise. I’ll bet he thinks I can’t do it…well, I can, and I will because I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I allow my addiction to be right now. I’m also a lot stronger than all of this change going on. I’ll get through it one feeling or maybe one tear at a time and I know I’ll feel better a little at a time. So, whatever you’re dealing with or feeling, realize you can get through it one moment at a time, you can still find silver linings and appreciate the sun. My prescription for myself for the next few days is to notice as much beauty in my surroundings as I can. That will generate some positive happy feelings to combat the ones I’m struggling with. You should try it…even if it feels like your heart isn’t in it. Peace to you and to me my friends!!!! LOL

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