Wednesday, February 18, 2009


It’s Wednesday morning and I’m agitated. I’m agitated because I intended to return to being a non-smoker this week and I failed. But within failure lies opportunity and, speaking of lies, I intend to spend some time contemplating the lies I’ve told myself, took in and believed about smoking. I notice with everyone that I smoke, I’m instantly agitated after just a couple of puffs. It’s the nicotine that makes me anxious…I am not anxious by nature. More food for thought. I need to spend time destroying the WANT to smoke. I never want to want to smoke again and I’m getting there very fast. I only want to light a cigarette. After a couple of puffs, I notice that I wished I was done…so many other things I could be doing. So, again today, I won’t smoke at work. I’ll walk up and down 8 flights of stairs every hour again instead of smoking and will think of other things…like how other people don’t need to smoke to function. I can be like that too…just as soon as I kill this desire in me.

I’m not losing anything by stopping smoking. But, until I can completely eradicate the thoughts that I’m missing something or giving up something or attempting to bargain with myself to keep doing something that just may very well end my life prematurely, I’m stuck. But I’m not floundering. A friend sent me a great book called Easy Quit. I read it yesterday and will read it again today. The book makes sense and I’m starting to see things differently. Today, I definitely had no enjoyment at all in the cigarettes I smoked and clearly see that it was only nicotine addiction that drove me to it. I’ve got nicotine gum but that doesn’t really get to the source of the problem…oh, I’ll use it because at this point I will do anything. Friday is my new quit date…I will be successful this time and have no doubts about it. I will make it this time as my mind set is different. For the next two days I will spend time noticing how every time I smoke, I hate the taste, I hate how it burns my throat and I hate it when the nicotine kicks in…it’s not calming or relaxing at all.

Eventually, I’ll kick this addiction and that eventually is not a dragged out incident for a far off future date…it’s this week, it’s right now, it’s tomorrow and it’s Friday. I cannot fail to return to my natural state…I’m working on remembering how life was fine before I smoked and life will be fine when I quit. I remember how to function without them…I had forgotten. I’m going to spend the next two days remembering…remembering…remembering how to cope with stress, anger, frustration and sadness. I had those skills as a young teen when I started smoking…I will remember those skills when I give them a new try this week. Don’t wish me luck, help me celebrate freedom from my self-imposed prison! Peace.

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1 comment:

  1. Update (in case you were curious)- Although it took a couple more years and many more attempts, I've finally done it! I quit smoking 3 months ago and haven't fallen back not even once. I finally found the freedom I sought and am agitated by this little bugger of an addiction, no more. Now chocolate on the other hand, that's going to be a tough one! ~Blessings of love and peace!