Monday, February 2, 2009

A Peculiar Part of the Journey

Something is churning at the core of my soul and it doesn’t feel good. It feels like a painful lesson beginning to emerge or, maybe, it’s just a strong dose of hormones. I’m not sure which but I know I’m not going to let it ruin my day. I’ve had feelings like this before, sometimes preceding some of life’s tougher lessons. I’m feeling like I’m in freefall just now…you know what I mean…it’s that space between the ending of one chapter and the beginning of another…before you can fully see the newly emerging patterns of learnings. I think that what I’m starting to see sends a few frightening thoughts spiraling outwards and it’s hard to articulate. It’s sort of a feeling that all of my weakest parts are being pulled outside of me in the daylight for not only me to take a look at but everyone close to me as well.

It’s alarming but I know such things are necessary. If all your weakest parts are exposed, what is left? There isn’t anything left to fear. It’s sort of a “well, there it is…what can you do? What can I do? What am I gonna do?” There is no hiding when you are exposed. You can tuck your tail between your legs and run away where no one knows you and you can beat the exposure in that manner. Or, you can stay put…stand tall even when you might feel weak and stupid in some areas. I guess that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve made decisions that probably weren’t the best but they were mine to make and I made them the only way I felt I could at the time. Wrong or right doesn’t really matter today…let the cards fall where they will…nothing I can think or do or say can change where I’ve been, the path I took to get to where I am today or the resulting scars I feel still very strongly in my own heart. But, that pain doesn’t bring me fear any more. It lets me know I’m alive, that I’m human…very human, quite fallible, imperfect and bound to make many more mistakes along the way. As much as that thought is alarming to me, I cannot be perfect and I cannot be anyone other than who I am.

Some days I wonder who that is? Some days I feel smart and I make great decisions and other days, I seem to lose my head and make bad decisions I’m just not proud of. The one thing I notice though is that I will beat myself up for the mistakes I’ve made five times as much as I congratulate myself for all of the good things that I’ve done. I’m my own worse enemy most days and I’m not 100% certain that will ever change…maybe some day I’ll learn to tolerate my own judgment of myself, brush it off, quell that voice that drives me too hard towards an unachievable goal of perfection. It’s a ridiculous and impossible goal to do everything perfect, to be perfect and without fault. So I wonder about the way I feel today. I feel raw, emotional and like I’m struggling to keep one step ahead of a bout with the blues. It’s got to be hormones as my problems and worries are really so few at the moment. Perhaps its time to go back and take my own advice…don’t become alarmed at such feelings, make no attempt to resist or over-analyze such feelings…just feel them, acknowledge them…know they are there for a purpose and will soon pass to be replaced, as usual, with complete emotional stability which follows such bouts. You walk through miles of the dark sometimes to find the light but it’s always there just waiting for you to take the steps necessary to lead you there. This I know is true and a fact, at least it is based on my experience.

I just feel peculiar today and wow, hmmm, that’s really a good word to describe it. I feel neither bad nor good just peculiar. Yes, that’s it. I like the description…it doesn’t imply a wrong-ness or a right-ness to anything, just something notably different. That, I can be okay with and that I can just roll with until whatever is trying to get my attention becomes more a part of my awareness. I do realize as I type this that part of this feeling has to do with an aspect of my consciousness, my emotions that are not dwelling in the present…they are quickly washing over the past and thinking of an immediate future where a separation will bring some uneasiness, a yearning and well, I guess that’s really all there is to it. I’m sad when I think about that but I realize it’s just another step in a journey I’m on and that step will lead to another and yet another as the whole thing unfolds. There is a fear underlying it all that comes from a long ways away and it’s silly and really irrelevant so I’ll have no choice but to let it go, send it packing, banished to that place that I stowed away other childish things. As I said, I won’t let this ruin my day. I felt like crying when I started to write this piece today and now, just mere minutes later and I’m smiling even if still feeling quite subdued. I didn’t pick any easy journey this time but it is one that called out to me so I had to take it. It will be worth it in the end as I sense so much growth potential here. It’ll all be well, I know it…that’s just the way it is with me…the curiosity, the discovery, the struggle, overcoming fear and hurdles, success and then rest. Common themes in my journeys it seems. Ah well, enough of that.

My thought for today is, tackle emotions head on. When you’re feeling fearful and wanting to run away and hide…stop right there and try to understand why…when the ego is exposed it becomes very fearful but it’s only through that exposure that you become more refined, more whole and content. You can do it now or put it off and pick it up again later but why wait…why not engage in the inevitable and see what you have to learn from the experience. That’s where my thoughts are today…riding the waves again, staying afloat again, enjoying this feeling of nebulous drifting again trying to trust my innate ability to tread the water of my own emotions successfully, as always.

Blessings to you on your journey.

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