Friday, February 13, 2009

Back-Lit Clouds/Black Sky

Tonight I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. I looked up at the night time sky as I often do and beheld a most amazing view. Huge white cotton ball clouds back-lit with glowing silver moonlight in contrast against a pitch black sky. It was cold out with the most recent storm moving through and I just stood there in the quiet stillness of the evening. I'm contemplative tonight as I often am. I'm quitting smoking tomorrow so tonight will be my last night standing outside watching the smoke twist and turn catching particles of light. Instead I'll step outside just to see the sky without causing myself bodily harm. That's a much better way to enjoy the sky.

With all I've been through these last 4 hears, I'm incredibly grateful and ultimately humbled by life's lessons. I'm not bitter in any way. I picked a few paths or they picked me and learn I did and then some. It's all good today now that I've got a little time and distance from the first cuts of each of the wounds I suffered or did I inflict them upon myself? I'm really not sure. It's likely the latter and the sole reason for my healing...I was able to forgive, to remember what choices were mine. I'll not make some of those choices again and will strive ever to do better.

I've been working off and on with Al-Anon...I've worked through steps one through three but struggle with step four. Moral inventory of my defects...they are many..that much I do know even though I can't bring myself to articulate them now, right here on the internet. Oh, I plan to admit them and I plan to articulate them and I intend to allow them to be removed and replaced. I think I'm finally ready for that...ready to set down childish things, hurtful things and move on to a life that is full of love and magic every where I turn. I count myself among the luckiest of women. I have beautiful children, I have a job that I love, a hobby that is beginning to pay (now that I've got two books published) and I also have the love of a kind-hearted man. These things mean so much to me. My heart is so full and I've achieved so much. Actually, a lot more than I thought I would ever have achieved. So, now it's time to allow some new dreams to take hold. Maybe create some new ones or resurrect one I've seen shattered one too many times. That's one I really want to manifest!

In all honesty, I'm really preoccupied with way too many things to even write but I felt the need. I'm missing a loved one and I feel his absence intensely and deeply. It's true, the old axiom, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I couldn't imagine feeling any stronger for him than I feel right now but I know this is only the tip of the iceberg. Instead of being mostly afraid, I'm mostly not. No matter what happens, I'm grateful for this moment, grateful, truly, that after all I've been through in matters of the heart, that I had the ability to remain open one more time...give love one more try and see if I can't make it work beautifully, perfectly, unconditionally. I feel like I'm missing a piece of my soul when he's gone. But I know that I also have a part of his to comfort me. It feels really amazing.

So, I think I'll close thought for the day (or rather for tomorrow) is on love in all of its facets...just like my book, "Ravenous Reflections" (available on by the way, plug, plug, plug) says. Love has many facets and can bring you the highest highs and the lowest lows but no matter which end of the spectrum you find yourself on, count yourself lucky...if you feel love of the lack of love, your heart is close to the surface of your other words, open. Enjoy that...give love and you will have love. Happy Valentine's day. May you all find the love of a life time and for those who hold it now, may you never take it for granted...I pray you hold it unconditionally and that you keep the fire of your own love inside burning ever-brightly!

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