I noticed a pair of hawks in flight from my office window today. I watched them circling around in a warm air current for quite a while in between meetings. It was peaceful, so very peaceful.
I spoke warmly today with co-workers. Despite the stress and strain of corporate existence, I deeply respect the folks I work with and most interactions are truly a joy. I liked that about my day, especially today.
As I was getting on the freeway to come home, I watched a large pastel peach sun sinking behind gray and pink hazy atmosphere. The light thrown through the fine particles of moisture in the air gave the whole sky an ethereal glow and the clouds parting just above the setting sun shone electric silver and like liquid white light in the sky. It was an amazing view, breathtaking. Had I not been driving I'd have taken a picture with my cell phone. But I have the memory.
I have a lot of those playing through my mind just now. Maybe its the season, the winter of reflection of all of those things collected over the year, processed and learned. It grows dark so soon now with not much daylight to be had and no time for tennis, sadly.
I've a strange feeling of letting things go. Things that once made me anxious are slipping away. It's not that I don't care any more it's that I suddenly just don't care as much. It feels peaceful and I like it.
I came home to my kids and made dinner as soon as I walked in the door. All I heard was fighting with the oldest being mean to the younger ones just because she was in a bad mood and then I watched the younger ones acting rowdy and then being mean and bossy with eachother. I wince wondering where I went wrong but then I realize ego and emotion go hand in hand and no one can control the ego of another. I let go again, clean up the dishes and relax with a nice glass of cabernet and a vanilla cigarette.
Peace returns a bit again as I sit somehow in a position of observer in my own skin rather than a participant. I'm not sure when the shift occurred...maybe while watching the hawks in flight earlier. I realize I'm human and fallible but I love and I care, so I just do the best I can do in a day.
The crescent moon is out tonight, glowing dully behind misty skies. It's quiet out which is strange for a Thursday in this place. No matter, I like it and will just enjoy it for a time.
I'm watching my big furry black cat Zacky try to sharpen his claws on our metal stair railing...that's an interesting sight. It's quite a useless endeavor as he can't find purchase for his claws and it makes such a racket. So many parallels I could go off on here but I decide to save those thoughts for another time...breathe in the peace and quiet in this tiny moment, going back to my earlier ethereal view.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Season
A rather prophetic poem I wrote some time ago for someone who meant the world to me but who never knew.
The Season
I will walk with you
If you want me to
I’ll be your refuge
Your pause from the world
I’ll be here for you
If you want me to
To listen when you need it
And go when you ask
I’ll stay here and hold you
If you want me to
And give you love and kindness
Without any strings
I’ll keep inside what I feel for you
If you want me to
But you know that I care too much
And at some point I’ll have to go
I’ll walk away from you
If you want me to
Perhaps that’s the best thing for me
And maybe the best thing for you
I’ll let go in time
If you want me to
But I’ll never forget the season we shared
Or how much I loved you
The Season
I will walk with you
If you want me to
I’ll be your refuge
Your pause from the world
I’ll be here for you
If you want me to
To listen when you need it
And go when you ask
I’ll stay here and hold you
If you want me to
And give you love and kindness
Without any strings
I’ll keep inside what I feel for you
If you want me to
But you know that I care too much
And at some point I’ll have to go
I’ll walk away from you
If you want me to
Perhaps that’s the best thing for me
And maybe the best thing for you
I’ll let go in time
If you want me to
But I’ll never forget the season we shared
Or how much I loved you
Liquid Glass
The Pacific looks like liquid glass interrupted by periodic waves falling gently onto the shore with a silent hissing sound. It’s peaceful even with the prolific hum of shiny metal boxes speeding by carrying their inhabitants somewhere. It’s amazing how the waves curl like little tubes of glass. I’ve not seen it like this in a while. It’s foggy just offshore so that you can’t see where the ocean ends and the sky begins. On land, the sky looks like a bright gray light, the sun dispelling momentary mists a bit. It’s cool out this morning but not uncomfortably so.
I notice all the foot prints in the sand. Each one representing a small journey taken by hundreds of people in days just past. I think about them and wonder about the universe each is the center of. We’re all the center of our own universes, the populace joining mini galaxies traversing the surface of this third rock from the sun, swirling, spinning through space with no concept of what for…no reason…no seeming purpose.
We just seem to go on day in and day out until we can go no longer, at least not in this frame. And then what? I wish I knew but then again, perhaps its better I don’t. Maybe the illusion of my own existence is enough of a toy to play with. I think maybe I don’t want to know the meaning of life. What if its futile, what then? How would I find the courage to get up and breathe? How would I maintain the emotional constitution to live it? I think maybe I would for love…the love for my children. I think I’d go on for them and maybe try my best to paint a compelling vision or frame-work to make them want to exist.
I guess that’s your role as a parental unit…to continue to paint a compelling reason for each of the souls you brought into this world to fight to exist amongst adversity and chaos. Maybe point out that there are miracles and laughter too to look forward to and participate in with all of their might and all of their being. Maybe that’s the real meaning of life. I just don’t know.
For now, I’ll let such thoughts go and I’m going to take a walk in warm sunlight, watch the dolphins float through the water, glide onto the top of the waves and dive down under again. Such peace, such simple beauty. Life is truly amazing as long as you continue to look at your world and your existence through filters of wonder despite any pain. That’s it. Those are my thoughts for today. Be peaceful.
I notice all the foot prints in the sand. Each one representing a small journey taken by hundreds of people in days just past. I think about them and wonder about the universe each is the center of. We’re all the center of our own universes, the populace joining mini galaxies traversing the surface of this third rock from the sun, swirling, spinning through space with no concept of what for…no reason…no seeming purpose.
We just seem to go on day in and day out until we can go no longer, at least not in this frame. And then what? I wish I knew but then again, perhaps its better I don’t. Maybe the illusion of my own existence is enough of a toy to play with. I think maybe I don’t want to know the meaning of life. What if its futile, what then? How would I find the courage to get up and breathe? How would I maintain the emotional constitution to live it? I think maybe I would for love…the love for my children. I think I’d go on for them and maybe try my best to paint a compelling vision or frame-work to make them want to exist.
I guess that’s your role as a parental unit…to continue to paint a compelling reason for each of the souls you brought into this world to fight to exist amongst adversity and chaos. Maybe point out that there are miracles and laughter too to look forward to and participate in with all of their might and all of their being. Maybe that’s the real meaning of life. I just don’t know.
For now, I’ll let such thoughts go and I’m going to take a walk in warm sunlight, watch the dolphins float through the water, glide onto the top of the waves and dive down under again. Such peace, such simple beauty. Life is truly amazing as long as you continue to look at your world and your existence through filters of wonder despite any pain. That’s it. Those are my thoughts for today. Be peaceful.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Journey Is the Destination
I stepped outside early this morning with a fresh cup of coffee in hand. As always, I glanced up at the dark sky hoping to see something. I felt the chill of the morning temperature that’s been dropping a little each day. There was no morning sea breeze to be felt. I noticed there were no stars in sight at all and that a fairly thick blanket of fog had covered all that I could see. A bright spot momentarily appeared in the sky and there I saw a waning crescent moon. It’s light seemed to pulse as the fog thickened and thinned way up above the houses. It gave me a peaceful feeling that was oh so very welcome.
Last night felt, temporarily, like the end of the world. I felt like an overburdened shopping cart the universe kept pilling challenge after challenge and emotion after emotion. The wheels beginning to creak and groan under the sheer weight of what I’ve had to contend with. I allowed the feelings of pity to take hold and knew that would only be a temporary concession. It felt awful. I felt victimized. I had grown weary of people attempting to hurt me just because they have some sick and twisted sense of entitlement as well as imperfect mental stability. I felt down-trodden finding something I wanted I had to send away. I felt frustrated that I make a fantastic amount of money but shortages in a few areas and unexpected illness of a family pet has left me struggling in a huge way to make ends meet. If only the ones that owed me would pay me back, I’d be right back on track but they just may not be part of my reality.
So, I just gave into all of these feelings. I noticed them all. I validated them all and I let these things drive me to tears. The release that followed was peaceful. I found myself in meditation at bed time. I worked hard to mentally clear the negative energy, the accumulated dark spots of pain and at the same time I prayed for help knowing I was in over my head. All at once I felt calm, warm, sheltered and certainly not forgotten. I know things will get better because I will do my part to make things better and I will be met with the help I need. For whatever reason, I needed to go through these things. I’m becoming okay with it all. I’m surrendering to what is because I cannot change any of the things that lead up to these feelings. I cannot look back and change the past and I cannot spend time trapping myself in the false illusion of tomorrow. I have to be here, now, very in the present moment as that is the only way for me to exist. When I clear away the fog of emotions in my mind and tell myself “I am here now,” I become acutely aware in the moment, I feel the stress these emotions have placed on me physically and I breathe in the air and some light to help me heal all of my weak and wounded parts.
The lesson here is not to become disheartened, cynical or depressed but rather to just view all of the things I’ve been through, understand what has happened and why and then just keep breathing while I place one foot with thoughtfulness and awareness in this present moment while I journey. As I often say, the journey is the destination. Peace
Last night felt, temporarily, like the end of the world. I felt like an overburdened shopping cart the universe kept pilling challenge after challenge and emotion after emotion. The wheels beginning to creak and groan under the sheer weight of what I’ve had to contend with. I allowed the feelings of pity to take hold and knew that would only be a temporary concession. It felt awful. I felt victimized. I had grown weary of people attempting to hurt me just because they have some sick and twisted sense of entitlement as well as imperfect mental stability. I felt down-trodden finding something I wanted I had to send away. I felt frustrated that I make a fantastic amount of money but shortages in a few areas and unexpected illness of a family pet has left me struggling in a huge way to make ends meet. If only the ones that owed me would pay me back, I’d be right back on track but they just may not be part of my reality.
So, I just gave into all of these feelings. I noticed them all. I validated them all and I let these things drive me to tears. The release that followed was peaceful. I found myself in meditation at bed time. I worked hard to mentally clear the negative energy, the accumulated dark spots of pain and at the same time I prayed for help knowing I was in over my head. All at once I felt calm, warm, sheltered and certainly not forgotten. I know things will get better because I will do my part to make things better and I will be met with the help I need. For whatever reason, I needed to go through these things. I’m becoming okay with it all. I’m surrendering to what is because I cannot change any of the things that lead up to these feelings. I cannot look back and change the past and I cannot spend time trapping myself in the false illusion of tomorrow. I have to be here, now, very in the present moment as that is the only way for me to exist. When I clear away the fog of emotions in my mind and tell myself “I am here now,” I become acutely aware in the moment, I feel the stress these emotions have placed on me physically and I breathe in the air and some light to help me heal all of my weak and wounded parts.
The lesson here is not to become disheartened, cynical or depressed but rather to just view all of the things I’ve been through, understand what has happened and why and then just keep breathing while I place one foot with thoughtfulness and awareness in this present moment while I journey. As I often say, the journey is the destination. Peace
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Missing Peaces
Today was a strange day. I really felt out of sorts from the moment I woke up before my alarm all the way up until now. I guess emotional stuff can really put you through the wringer. There really is no use in fighting it, you know. The only thing you can really do is surrender to whatever you are feeling realizing that for whatever reason you are choosing to feel the way you do whether or not you consciously are aware. So, you might as well relax into your unconscious seeming decision and figure out why. Maybe you just need to process something so you’ll remember how you feel and in the future you might make other choices in reaction or response to life’s events.
I’m nursing a bit of a broken heart but it’s not really broken. A more accurate description might be that I had a hope that wasn’t panning out so I changed direction. In deciding to change direction I have to give myself time to mourn the hopes I once held and love myself enough to let them go. I have for the most part and what I’m feeling now are mere reverberations, echoes if you will. They linger because I’m choosing to let them but I’m not sure why. I really don’t wish to feel out of sorts. I wish to feel whole and happy. I think for the most part I’m still in touch with those feelings as well. Maybe I’m just tired. I cannot begin to go into the sheer emotional upheaval I’ve dealt with. I’ve written some about it but I can’t tell you the emotional hell it has felt like. I’ve been imprisoned for the last two years, seemingly, by my own emotions. Granted, others pushed hard to get me here but I let them. I let them because I had expectations along the lines of common decency I expected to experience but there were aspects of a couple of souls that were neither common nor decent and they sought to and succeeded in hurting me to the core.
So, I picked myself up and dusted myself off thinking, “wow, lesson learned.” My version of common decency doesn’t apply to a couple of people that were close to me. All I can think about was how I should have been more aware and less in denial so I could have protected myself better. I could have lowered my expectations or been more in the moment, more thoughtful, less engaged in my own ego and I might have seen some things coming. Again, “wow, lesson learned.” So, now what? I’m not sure. I guess I need to just sort of turn my heart around. The only way I know how to do that is to focus on those things I appreciate and the people I truly love and want the best for. I appreciate the colors and wonders of God’s Earth and just be glad to be alive and breathing. I will appreciate the love of my truest friends, my children and the companionship my beautiful co-workers provide every day. Some are as wonderful as family and they’ve been with me a long time. I’m truly blessed.
When I shift my perspective to gratitude, I start to come back to myself. I notice I start to feel okay. When I take a deep breath and say, “I am acutely aware of this moment and in this moment I am more alive than ever,” all my worries, the pain, the trauma, the worries, the guilt, the shame, the frustration and all of it just seems to disappear. I write this and at this moment realize how tense I become turning my awareness away from this moment to order fighting children who have resorted to physical violence very loudly to stop and do what I asked them to do. Momentarily the appreciation slips away and I just want to go to sleep. That’s the one thing I take great pleasure in lately and I’m not depressed…just processing tough emotions…and processing while my little ones inadvertently attempt to push every button I have. I’m too tired to hide the buttons tonight and its so hard. When I need them to be calm and loving because I am at wit’s end it seems they are at each other’s throats and playing the tattle tale game until I’m ready to pull out all of my hair. But, this stage I know will pass in the blink of an eye and I will miss it terribly. It’s a double edged sword it seems. I’m growing very weary of double edged swords lately and I think I shall find scabbards with titanium locks and throw away all keys. That might give me a bit of reprieve.
Well, my resolve for this thought is to just surrender. I need to stop fighting for peace because the act of fighting for it places the focus on not having it. I would much rather be grateful for peace and feel it than to continue to fight for the seemingly unachievable. Ghandi said something along the lines of be the peace you want to see. I guess I need to figure out what that looks like in a family setting and get to work employing some lessons in my own behavior. Hopefully, I might learn how to do this. I think for tonight I will give up looking for meanings, thinking of solutions and slip into my nice comfy bed, turn on the discovery channel and watch something beautiful. That will help…a nice and peaceful visual diversion with little siblings off to sleep leaving the rivalry on the night stand table until morning as usual. My thought for today, well it’ll be for tomorrow…is just to be where ever you are and know that where ever you are and whatever you are feeling you will ultimately be okay. You’ll be okay because you have the strength and fortitude to muster that much faith in yourself. If I can do it, so can you…making up your mind to that end truly is half the battle, even, maybe, a little more than half. May you be the peace I so wish to see and behold in this moment (smiles). Have a blessed day!
I’m nursing a bit of a broken heart but it’s not really broken. A more accurate description might be that I had a hope that wasn’t panning out so I changed direction. In deciding to change direction I have to give myself time to mourn the hopes I once held and love myself enough to let them go. I have for the most part and what I’m feeling now are mere reverberations, echoes if you will. They linger because I’m choosing to let them but I’m not sure why. I really don’t wish to feel out of sorts. I wish to feel whole and happy. I think for the most part I’m still in touch with those feelings as well. Maybe I’m just tired. I cannot begin to go into the sheer emotional upheaval I’ve dealt with. I’ve written some about it but I can’t tell you the emotional hell it has felt like. I’ve been imprisoned for the last two years, seemingly, by my own emotions. Granted, others pushed hard to get me here but I let them. I let them because I had expectations along the lines of common decency I expected to experience but there were aspects of a couple of souls that were neither common nor decent and they sought to and succeeded in hurting me to the core.
So, I picked myself up and dusted myself off thinking, “wow, lesson learned.” My version of common decency doesn’t apply to a couple of people that were close to me. All I can think about was how I should have been more aware and less in denial so I could have protected myself better. I could have lowered my expectations or been more in the moment, more thoughtful, less engaged in my own ego and I might have seen some things coming. Again, “wow, lesson learned.” So, now what? I’m not sure. I guess I need to just sort of turn my heart around. The only way I know how to do that is to focus on those things I appreciate and the people I truly love and want the best for. I appreciate the colors and wonders of God’s Earth and just be glad to be alive and breathing. I will appreciate the love of my truest friends, my children and the companionship my beautiful co-workers provide every day. Some are as wonderful as family and they’ve been with me a long time. I’m truly blessed.
When I shift my perspective to gratitude, I start to come back to myself. I notice I start to feel okay. When I take a deep breath and say, “I am acutely aware of this moment and in this moment I am more alive than ever,” all my worries, the pain, the trauma, the worries, the guilt, the shame, the frustration and all of it just seems to disappear. I write this and at this moment realize how tense I become turning my awareness away from this moment to order fighting children who have resorted to physical violence very loudly to stop and do what I asked them to do. Momentarily the appreciation slips away and I just want to go to sleep. That’s the one thing I take great pleasure in lately and I’m not depressed…just processing tough emotions…and processing while my little ones inadvertently attempt to push every button I have. I’m too tired to hide the buttons tonight and its so hard. When I need them to be calm and loving because I am at wit’s end it seems they are at each other’s throats and playing the tattle tale game until I’m ready to pull out all of my hair. But, this stage I know will pass in the blink of an eye and I will miss it terribly. It’s a double edged sword it seems. I’m growing very weary of double edged swords lately and I think I shall find scabbards with titanium locks and throw away all keys. That might give me a bit of reprieve.
Well, my resolve for this thought is to just surrender. I need to stop fighting for peace because the act of fighting for it places the focus on not having it. I would much rather be grateful for peace and feel it than to continue to fight for the seemingly unachievable. Ghandi said something along the lines of be the peace you want to see. I guess I need to figure out what that looks like in a family setting and get to work employing some lessons in my own behavior. Hopefully, I might learn how to do this. I think for tonight I will give up looking for meanings, thinking of solutions and slip into my nice comfy bed, turn on the discovery channel and watch something beautiful. That will help…a nice and peaceful visual diversion with little siblings off to sleep leaving the rivalry on the night stand table until morning as usual. My thought for today, well it’ll be for tomorrow…is just to be where ever you are and know that where ever you are and whatever you are feeling you will ultimately be okay. You’ll be okay because you have the strength and fortitude to muster that much faith in yourself. If I can do it, so can you…making up your mind to that end truly is half the battle, even, maybe, a little more than half. May you be the peace I so wish to see and behold in this moment (smiles). Have a blessed day!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
California's Burning Again
I woke up this morning only slightly disorientated. My first thought was for a certain friend and hopes that he is doing well. My next thought was that I finally felt rested, no heaviness and recalling the plans for the day. Then I remembered California is burning again and not too far away. I went to visit another friend last night and as I was driving in the dark I could see with my bare eyes the glowing orange smoke clouds contrasting brightly in a very dark sky. It was so eerie. I thought back to earlier in the day when I went out for lunch. I was sitting outside relaxing in the sun waiting for my order at Surf City Tacos (yummy place btw) when I noticed a dark looking cloud. The sky near the beach was a beautiful cerulean blue, the air hot with Santa Ana winds blowing. It’s those winds, sadly, that served to fan the flames in several areas damaging at least 100 structures. The sky held a thick dark gray band of smoke blowing out to sea. The Santa Ana winds reverse the wind flow in our area. Usually we have an onshore breeze cool fresh off the ocean. The Santa Ana’s reverse that flow and takes the heat from the California deserts and valleys and blows it out over the Pacific.
It’s sad to me realizing how many people have lost their homes, evacuated to some place safe to do nothing while their lives go up in smoke. The fires yesterday were burning in Brea and Yorba Linda in Orange County. They’ve spread to Anaheim Hills and Chino Hills. I’m eager to learn the fate of co-workers who live in these areas, people that are more than just co-workers…but I can’t call them due to a switch in cell phones and misplacing phone numbers. Frustrating! I pray they are okay. I pray everyone gets out with no injuries. The homes can be replaced. Things can be replaced. Lives cannot and that’s the most important.
I stepped outside this morning and noticed the sky was a bit hazy with smoke. The smell of fire is so strong in the morning air. There is a slight breeze but it’s notably cooler today. I pray the winds are calmer today. I’m praying for rain. If there is any moisture to be had anywhere, God please bring it here to California. The entire state seems at risk for going up in flames. I know its times like these that we are reminded how little we have control over our environment. We’re deluded to think we can control nature once ignited. I pray none of these fires are the work of arsonists. Too many are burning up and down the state to hear yet if investigations in any of them have been concluded.
Aside from all of these distractions, I had a really fun time with a new friend last night. We walked through folk songs of the seventies with a live acoustic guitar and singing. It was fantastic and simple and I’m still smiling at how fun it was. It was absolutely what I needed …to feel good again…and music, wow, that’s been a tough one to deal with lately but my appreciation for music is back. It’s not the pain it was to experience from a few days before. My thoughts are a bit more focused today with the plan for my day. A little domestic work followed by some tennis with another friend this afternoon. I’m grateful. I’ve so wanted to play this weekend but just couldn’t yesterday. I wasn’t up to it. Today will be a good day no matter what happens. Every moment is a precious moment and I’m trying to feel that in earnest.
The thought for the day is to focus on the worries of the world instead of your own concerns but don’t focus in pity. Focus on seeing the best outcome for the situation at hand, happiness for down-trodden people trying to make it through and for an equitable and peaceful resolution. Realize we are all small humans on a big gigantic rock spinning on an axis, spinning in formation around another giant burning rock. In the scheme of things, we are all nothing but souls carrying out our destiny whatever that may be. That’s not to be fatalistic; it’s intended to be both realistic and even a bit optimistic. We may be small in the scheme of existence but the amount of love our souls are capable of are immeasurable. May your day be filled with peace, with safety, with love and light.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Scattered Thoughts
I woke before the sun this morning. I sat up slowly feeling like I was an actress playing a role in someone else’s life. I felt distant and disconnected like the events and the words of the past few days were a story someone told me. The memories started to get closer and I became conscious of the heaviness in my heart and my eyes filled with tears that would not fall. There just weren’t enough left. I stepped into the shower and thought hard about letting the water carry away the heaviness, let the warmth fill the cold places within. I distracted myself with routine as I made my way down stairs focused on making some coffee. I stepped outside in the dark. Again I saw the silvery glow of the moon, a waning moon covering everything in an eerie light. It wasn’t cold this morning. I stood their warm, the breeze gently blowing, the ocean silent and I leaned to my left against the wall as a pang of pain momentarily took my strength but I quickly recovered. I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply disgusted to be stuck using this crutch but realizing that was a problem I couldn’t focus on today.
I sent up a prayer for the object of my feelings praying that he didn’t feel any of this and hoping my instincts were right and knowing my actions taken on my intuition about the right thing for me to do would pull me through. I sent up a prayer once again for healing for me, for gentleness and tenderness to settle over my soul. I’m proud of myself as I stand here in the moon light. I did what I thought was right for me and I have to settle into my resolve. I am content for the most part but just want to move away from this heaviness. I breathe in the moonlight and realize I am mourning something I never really had and that the true source has nothing to do with the events of the last few days. Maybe it’s more of a yearning in my soul for my soul mate or something and now I have no distraction from the truth. I don’t know why love is so important to me. It’s brought me nothing but pain and heart ache but I cannot close myself off from it any more, I just can’t. I’ve learned so much about the pain I’ve carried reflected back to me from the people who have been close to me. As each one came into my life and then left me, I became more healed and more whole. Hard won lessons that’s for sure.
Perspective starts to dawn along with a little peace as I hear the coffee maker finish brewing. I step back inside, walk to the cupboard and take out one of my favorite cups. I’m remembering the moment of purchase, a happy time; I let it go. I open the refrigerator for some cream noting the mess my daughters have made of it and feel a pang of anxiety but then I let it go also. I pour some cream in my cup, then a little more, put it back in the door of the refrigerator and close it. I walk over to the pot, noticing the rich warm smell and I flash back to a moment sipping coffee in the morning light with my friend. I wince a bit at the memory, tear up a bit and decide to let it go. I pour some coffee and take a deep breath reminding myself that it’s the first days following change that are the hardest. Soon my memories will stop torturing me and I’ll smile at the times I shared with my friend. I pull my consciousness out to an observer position and see how the ego tortures me with thoughts of wanting to call him and tell him never mind, I didn’t mean what I said and that I just want him to hold me. But then sanity returns as I realize that I cannot hold on in the absence of feeling at a level I want and a level I needed. I’m not as confused as I seem to be. I chose a familiar path with my friend and realize my friend was a familiar teacher. I had to back track, go back to the beginning to that place where our paths converged. I am, gladly in that same frame once again, a little fearful, a bit questioning and a whole lot hopeful about the future and pursuing my dreams. I’m optimistic again even though I feel a little heavy. I know that this heaviness will pass as my energy and focus are pulled back inward and I realize the bit of a hole I feel inside was generated by the energy I gave away. It’s coming back to me, slowly and I know that I will feel better soon, stronger soon, more whole very soon.
I sat down grateful for the view outside this morning. I was thankful, so thankful for this lesson most recently learned. I am hopeful that my friend and I may still keep in touch as I do like knowing that he’s there. I hope in time he can forgive me. I know at least he understands because he told me so. I’m glad, really glad for that at least. I’ve had way too many emotionally traumatic experiences in the last 3 years and I really need to fight and focus hard on restoring my energy, my strength and my sanity to normal levels. I realize that is a journey that can be taken only with intense love for the self, with incredible courage and bravery. I have to have a lot of faith in myself and in whatever plan the universe has in store for me. I need to pay attention, feel and then let go of draining things.
My thought for today could be explained more clearly were they not so scattered. So maybe the thoughts for today are just to sit back and observe how they become scattered and what scatters them. Maybe you sit back and relax and just let them go where ever the take you. Maybe you don’t try so hard to judge or belittle them. I guess maybe you give yourself a moment to be in the moment and to feel whatever it is that you feel and then be done with that and let it go. Then go back to your life and move through it in peace, allowing yourself to feel that peace and knowing that everything, every thought, every persona and action you encounter happens for a reasons. You should know that every moment is worth paying keen attention to. That’s it for today. Be peaceful.
I sent up a prayer for the object of my feelings praying that he didn’t feel any of this and hoping my instincts were right and knowing my actions taken on my intuition about the right thing for me to do would pull me through. I sent up a prayer once again for healing for me, for gentleness and tenderness to settle over my soul. I’m proud of myself as I stand here in the moon light. I did what I thought was right for me and I have to settle into my resolve. I am content for the most part but just want to move away from this heaviness. I breathe in the moonlight and realize I am mourning something I never really had and that the true source has nothing to do with the events of the last few days. Maybe it’s more of a yearning in my soul for my soul mate or something and now I have no distraction from the truth. I don’t know why love is so important to me. It’s brought me nothing but pain and heart ache but I cannot close myself off from it any more, I just can’t. I’ve learned so much about the pain I’ve carried reflected back to me from the people who have been close to me. As each one came into my life and then left me, I became more healed and more whole. Hard won lessons that’s for sure.
Perspective starts to dawn along with a little peace as I hear the coffee maker finish brewing. I step back inside, walk to the cupboard and take out one of my favorite cups. I’m remembering the moment of purchase, a happy time; I let it go. I open the refrigerator for some cream noting the mess my daughters have made of it and feel a pang of anxiety but then I let it go also. I pour some cream in my cup, then a little more, put it back in the door of the refrigerator and close it. I walk over to the pot, noticing the rich warm smell and I flash back to a moment sipping coffee in the morning light with my friend. I wince a bit at the memory, tear up a bit and decide to let it go. I pour some coffee and take a deep breath reminding myself that it’s the first days following change that are the hardest. Soon my memories will stop torturing me and I’ll smile at the times I shared with my friend. I pull my consciousness out to an observer position and see how the ego tortures me with thoughts of wanting to call him and tell him never mind, I didn’t mean what I said and that I just want him to hold me. But then sanity returns as I realize that I cannot hold on in the absence of feeling at a level I want and a level I needed. I’m not as confused as I seem to be. I chose a familiar path with my friend and realize my friend was a familiar teacher. I had to back track, go back to the beginning to that place where our paths converged. I am, gladly in that same frame once again, a little fearful, a bit questioning and a whole lot hopeful about the future and pursuing my dreams. I’m optimistic again even though I feel a little heavy. I know that this heaviness will pass as my energy and focus are pulled back inward and I realize the bit of a hole I feel inside was generated by the energy I gave away. It’s coming back to me, slowly and I know that I will feel better soon, stronger soon, more whole very soon.
I sat down grateful for the view outside this morning. I was thankful, so thankful for this lesson most recently learned. I am hopeful that my friend and I may still keep in touch as I do like knowing that he’s there. I hope in time he can forgive me. I know at least he understands because he told me so. I’m glad, really glad for that at least. I’ve had way too many emotionally traumatic experiences in the last 3 years and I really need to fight and focus hard on restoring my energy, my strength and my sanity to normal levels. I realize that is a journey that can be taken only with intense love for the self, with incredible courage and bravery. I have to have a lot of faith in myself and in whatever plan the universe has in store for me. I need to pay attention, feel and then let go of draining things.
My thought for today could be explained more clearly were they not so scattered. So maybe the thoughts for today are just to sit back and observe how they become scattered and what scatters them. Maybe you sit back and relax and just let them go where ever the take you. Maybe you don’t try so hard to judge or belittle them. I guess maybe you give yourself a moment to be in the moment and to feel whatever it is that you feel and then be done with that and let it go. Then go back to your life and move through it in peace, allowing yourself to feel that peace and knowing that everything, every thought, every persona and action you encounter happens for a reasons. You should know that every moment is worth paying keen attention to. That’s it for today. Be peaceful.
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