Tired of Toxic People? Time to Get Curious

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We see these quotes, concepts and ideas thrown about on social media related to ditching the toxic people, get them out of your life and just flat out do not engage or hang around with them.  You hear about them in the work-place, in family gatherings and even during social interactions with friends.  Believe me, in my life-time I have had my share of people I might perceive as toxic that would lead my ego to completely agree with the idea of ditching toxic people

Here’s the thing and there is a thing, in this world it takes all kinds of people to make the world work, from saints to sinners, sane to crazy and creative to mundane.  This world can seem a crazy place and anyone you hang out with or situations you engage in that create toxic energy for you is not a healthy thing to do until at least, you begin to understand what is really happening.

I can only explain this concept by asking a question.  When people do the crazy things that they do that evoke that toxic feeling reaction from within you, aren’t you at least a little curious about what within you would give those folks permission to slide in right underneath your skin and irritate or hurt you?

In a world where pop-psychology is so mainstream, we all get the basic idea of “People who attack and insult you are telling you about them and not you.”  For the most part, I really think this is true.  But there is something else going on here too.  When you react to toxic people you are giving them permission to get your goat.  If you weren’t giving them permission, it wouldn’t bother you as much as it does.  So, where is your goat tied up and how on Earth was it created?

Let’s face it, we’ve all lived on planet Earth and experienced both the joyful and unsavory aspects of it.  We’ve all taken on some form of malware in the operating system of our psyches whether we are aware of it or not.  In every interaction, it takes two to create the reaction.  There is stimulus recognized and then there is reaction.  But what if we realized we didn’t have to react to begin with?

Lets go back to curious again for a minute.  Consider carefully for just a moment the following question:  What within you would give someone permission to seemingly control your emotions?  I’m not going to dig into anyone’s psychology because that is just none of my business.  What I’d like to do is empower you with some thoughts that might shift your perspective just long enough for you to understand the true intent and purpose of an exchange. 

When someone can so easily “push your buttons,” did you ever wonder about where the buttons came from?  How come you have a button to push?  People go on all day long about this or that and nothing sticks to you that you know with certainty is untrue.  You’ll hear something insanely thrown at you and you won’t react.  But the moment someone pushes your button or you’ve let them under your skin (towards that very tender place where the button was created at some point in your history), you’ve shifted your focus externally in defense when the internal concepts, goats and buttons are really trying to get your attention – not for the guy or gal who seems to be putting you in that position but for you.  You are reacting and that reaction is deserving of some curiosity.

I don’t mean to suggest that we walk this life like zombies, never feeling, never reacting and never acting, well, normal.  I mean to suggest that with some understanding, you may be less perturbed by what you feel is unsavory behavior in others.  You may find that button within you, understand it and heal any wounding beneath it thus eliminating the possibility forever more that someone with ill intent can find it to push it.  And there are always other strategies too – get off the battlefield for starters before you engage in something you may later regret by immersing in the toxicity or the blind reacting stage of having your buttons pushed. 

When we’re emotionally triggered, we can’t think straight and we certainly cannot be curious about anything.  The better cause of valor may be to close your mouth and shut down defensive thoughts and contemplate that urge rising from your core with emotion.  Speak again only when you can respond rather than react.  Find understanding and get curious before you engage in any button pushing attempts you perceive from another.

All of these interactions and human to human verbal skirmishes are designed to get you to look within you and understand the amazing wonder that you are.  That is a bit hard to see when your light is buried under years of debris created by unchallenged beliefs about yourself, your world and the people who have been or are in your life. 

Dealing with toxic people is a challenge but it can also be an opportunity.  But opportunities can be taken advantage of only by those aware enough that they exist and also those who are curious enough to explore for proactive prevention of recurring reactions.  It’s really all up to you and how you most wish to spend your time and energy here in life.   This world is amazing and so is every single aspect of humanity, especially you.  Consider what makes you tick, focus on your own behavior and let the toxic people be as they are.  You can’t change them.  Only they have the power to do that.

I can tell you that as weird as it sounds, I’m really grateful for the toxic people that have crossed my path.  When I got so sick of reacting I began to realize I could learn from my reactions.  I’m a root cause, fix-it kind of person.  I don’t like the feeling of reacting and definitely not because of the psychology of toxic people.  Spoilers: I’ve learned to see that toxic people bring up the toxicity within me.  When I see that, I have a beautiful opportunity to detoxify my own beliefs and thinking.  Sometimes it takes at lot of reflection and courage to look within.  It takes great strength and integrity of character to honor yourself by allowing people to be who they are without your input…even toxic people.

Some food for thought. 

If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy some of my books.  Please check them out if you’d like at http://www.jaiehart.com.  If you’re interested in a little help with spiritually exploring your buttons, I am in the business of consulting and would be honored to assist you.  Just visit me at http://ministryofconnectedconsciousness.org to learn more about me and what I do.

© 2015 J.L. Harter (photo and words)

Shifting Focus and Entertaining Change

A silent morning spent sipping warm coffee and I find my mind wandering.  Days and weeks have had me thinking, wondering and worrying about way too many things.  I feel the change in season and very much love the fall but within me grows the need for more change, a deeper change as if a new direction is about to open up and I'm so very curious to see what that might be.  I need to change some things in my life as I've come to learn that some things no longer fit.  More accurately, I no long fit a framework that I, myself, have created.  The challenge or worry comes in that this one thing has kept everything so very consistent for so long and has assured me of a level of comfort.  The change feeling runs deep though and I know the only thing that I really have to do is just remain open and meet it graciously when it comes.

What does one do when they don't know what to do but the feel they must do?  I know the answer and my ego doesn't like it.  My ego wants to control and establish a security that doesn't exist except within its construct only.  Security is a funny thing.  How secure can a tiny life form be on a giant round rock spinning on it's axis somewhere around a thousand miles per hour while traveling through space around a little star at over 33,000 miles per hour in a much larger galaxy that is also in motion?  We are subject to anything and everything from biological, geologic and astronomical forces from a physical perspective.  If that were not worrisome enough, we have our own tiny microcosmic psychological matters to deal with as sentient beings.  I'm not writing this to scare or worry anyone really, just to point out a huge illusion that we all hold and the pointlessness of worry - even though I seem to have become a master of that particular negative activity at times.  Thankfully I look at those very moments as opportunities to realize fear is somewhere in my midst and its time to focus not on what is big and scary in this world but the lies I tell myself that generate unnecessary fears.

I watched a program on the Discovery Channel yesterday about an experiment conducted using random number generators and how at times of different significant events in the world, the randomness of the generators was affected by the morphic fields surrounding this Earth's inhabitants.  It made me realize how much I did not want to be an individual putting more negativity out there into the mix that everyone else must contend with.  I'm a sensitive soul who feels energy.  When tragedy occurs in the world, I feel it.  When beautiful things occur in this world, I feel it.  I realize at some level that I must be responsible, entirely, for what I put out there.  So, I come back to my local worrisome meanderings and realize they stem from my own ego's need to control a change I feel coming that cannot be controlled.  It's really ridiculous and humorous at the same time.  So, I stop the anxious thoughts for a moment and breathe in the peace and cool of this most beautiful fall morning.  We are always in a state of flux and change and no matter what happens, we go on whether physically and psychologically sound or, well, not.  It is what it is and what we think determines our experience.  I do not wish to have a negative experience in this life as that is not why I came here.  I wish to learn to relax a little better a times in my own skin and realize that everything in my play happens for a reason, a reason I wanted or a reason I needed (whether I liked it or not).

So, I shift my thought process as I sit here typing away to a completely different paradigm.  If I go over the facts of my own feelings that lie much deeper within at my core than mere random egotistical thoughts and ignorantly attached emotion.  Deepest within my knowing, I implicitly trust me.  I also know my own limits, strengths, challenges and opportunities.  I think rather than superficially feeling uneasy about seemingly impending change I will rest more peacefully knowing that it's my play and I will cast it and direct it and set the scenes up in a way that ultimately supports me quite positively.  I open myself trustingly to this change I feel is coming and the anxiety and uneasiness falls away.  It's not an easy process to trust....trust self or trust others, let alone trust in a plan you cannot easily recall.  Opportunity here in this place is endless.  We can seek the wisdom of opportunity rather than dispair over the perception of challenge experienced negatively.  It's all in our minds as is this entire experience of life anyway.  We're so amazingly powerful but we forget just how much so.

I think I shall sit back and breathe for a bit, take comfort in the void of nothingness, relax into curiosity rather than trepidation and learn to be a bit more present.  It's so hard sometimes but as I've often written, its worth the effort to work at it until you get it right, until you breathe in that one moment where you feel the energy within you rise in perfect harmony with all that is.  Those are precious moments and infinitely more rewarding than entertaining continually the bouts of discomfort and fear.  There is love to be had here and not the kind that can hold any definition of full and complete meaning in any dictionary or other book.  Love is the expansive energy that holds so much of what we experience together.  Trusting in that to bring about positive and necessary change in life is a beautiful experience.  I'm off to some silent contemplation of nothing for a short time.  I find comfort in the silence, peace in the stillness and love when I can silence the mind by letting the thoughts go one by one.  ~Blessings for a peaceful journey beautiful dreamers.  I pray you find your own spaces of curiosity over control, peace over worry and love over fear.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo copyright as noted on photo)