Taking Things Personally

 

How much suffering do you want to take on in this life?  If it’s a lot, then continue to take everything personally.  If it’s not a lot, then consider something very important before you take things personally.  We sometimes get this idea in our heads that just because we would never do or say something like X unless we disrespected someone, doesn’t mean other people think or behave in the same way.  By our very nature, we are born to monitor and look for patterns in our surroundings to keep ourselves safe.  But when we make too many automatic assumptions about others and their intent (which we can’t with 100% certainty ever know), we actually cause our own suffering. 

 

If someone cuts you off on the highway, and you get angry – you’ve taken things personally.  You have absolutely no idea what’s going on for that person.  They could be on their way to the hospital to say goodbye to a loved one.  They could be on their way to day care to pick up a sick child.  They could have just lost their job or are running late for an interview.  Should they drive carelessly?  No. But you see, when things trigger our emotions and urgency, we do sometimes lose our ability to do things or say things with any amount of normal care.  Are some people just careless as a part of their nature?  Sure.  But none of that is about you is all I’m saying.

 

A part of our ego sometimes revels in the idea of catching others doing something wrong as if that might lift us in status in some way.  It doesn’t. What you see in others is filtered through what?  Your experience and your own intimate and personal awareness of your own short comings.  But wait, isn’t there a right and wrong here?  Sure, sometimes there is but also, sometimes that realm of right and wrong can differ from person to person and justifiably so given their situation, life experience and also their psychological state at any given moment.

 

Definitive truths in human interactions is hard to pin down especially when you are sure that your assumptions are facts just because they come from within your own mind.  Your deductions based on the limited information you observe do not equate to definitive truth.  When you understand that, you start to understand situations more, spool up less and your compassion and tolerance grows.  Why would you want that?  Well, intolerance, distrust, accusation, and anger all have their place but if you are living your life with the energy of those thoughts controlling the filter through which you see the world every moment of every day, you could be making yourself and those around you quite miserable.

 

We assume intention often but you can’t know someone’s intention with certainty so why let your mind take it to that level?  You punish yourself so much when you create a framework where everyone and everything is out to get you or ruin your day. Sometimes bad or rough things happen.  It isn’t necessarily personal, and I’d argue that even when someone attempts to make it personal with intention, you have to realize all the years of potentially detrimental psychology that person has lived with to come to that point where they may take issue with intention with you and your presence at a certain time or place.

 

I’m all for standing up for yourself and for what you believe in for sure.  But belief, please understand, is provisional truth at best. Belief is a hypothesis.  I’m not talking faith and religion here. That’s a whole other matter I’d prefer not to bring into this discussion at this time. Think more psychology – simpler like the thought process of – my husband didn’t take out the trash, therefore, he doesn’t love me and expects me to do all of the work in this house alone.  He lives here too.  Why should I do all of the work?  The thing is, hubby may be busy with other things.  So, if you want the trash out right this second – do it yourself or ask him again when you can tell he isn’t preoccupied.  Taking the trash out when asked does not prove love to begin with.  Love is bigger than that.  I’m not suggesting we don’t set boundaries on what we will and will not tolerate but understand what love is and isn’t.  If my imaginary situation is one that you have faced or feel, you might want to instead have a talk with your spouse rather than assume lack of love or care.  Assumptions, and we all do it – are part of the problem.

 

We assume so naturally, but we can’t know 360 degrees of a person or their intentions by assumption alone.  I find dealing in facts keeps me from constantly being disappointed by others.  I also find expressing my needs up front rather than trying to catch someone with proof they don’t love me is time better spent.  In my life, I have faced both intentional and unintentional slights or bad behavior.  Because I value my peace, I choose to see both as not about me.  I have developed a pretty good sense of self and I know that no one on this planet can know me at a 360 degree level.  So, their insult is not something I need to take on board.  If I’m concerned about truth in their words, I can own up to my actions or behavior without that threatening me at the core level of my being.  Most of the time though, I understand that someone who calls me names is telling the world more about the state of their own psychology than they are telling the world about me.

 

I mean, I am certainly not everyone’s cup of tea but if someone wants to see a monster in me, that’s on them and doesn’t bear out as the definitive truth about me.  If I get caught up in collateral damage by the unthinking actions of others, I’m not always quick to anger and even if I do become angry, I won’t act or react on that anger without first trying my best to see the truth of a situation.  Once I see that my own assumptions cannot be validated about a person or thing – again, since I value my own personal peace, I’m more likely to set the matter on ignore and walk away.  I choose understanding over asserting my ego for its version of right or wrong because I know me and my ego is wholly incapable of doing that accurately.

 

A few more parting thoughts on the matter…have you ever done something stupid, insensitive, uncaring or even cringy?  We all have as we have made our way through life.  Our mistakes are how we learn.  When someone “transgresses” in my view, I am likely to be compassionate and understanding – meaning, I’m not going to get crazy angry or feel bad about myself to the point I get angry.  I may be disappointed and I may choose to set boundaries so I don’t suffer further unthinking or bad behavior but I will do my level best to maintain my balance and equanimity.  Somethings just hurt in life and that is what it is but “hurting someone back” will never, ever remove the pain or other emotion that you suffered and any attempt at vengeance for a perceived slight whether intentionally or unintentionally committed will never un-mark that pivotal moment in your interaction.  Your energy is better spent understanding the emotion an action evoked in you rather than engaging in further battle.  In life, battle is all some people know and due to psychology, it’s the only way they know how to interact with others and it’s very likely – unhealthy. To continue to engage with some people in a tit-for-tat exchange is truly beneath you, won’t change that person or their behavior and is really not the best use of your energy.

 

From a bigger picture perspective, those things in life that vex you the most, the things that trigger that feeling of incredulous within you – those are all messages to you from you that you have wounds inside that need your time, attention and great care.  We all carry these.  It’s part of living life on Earth.  But when you strive for understanding both for yourself and another, you can home in on what is best for you in a moment.  Maintaining peace is a beautiful thing.  Engaging in battle often leads to escalation, chaos and worse.  Step back.  Take a breath.  Pause for a moment. See what within you can thoughtfully respond.  Ask yourself if this or that thing is really the thing you want to take personally.  Is there a basis inside of you that is easily triggered?  Do you know that if you figure out what those things are and strive to understand and heal them, no one can ever trigger you to unconsciously take things personally again?  Wow!  That is a powerful thing to possess – healing, the ability to stop, think, and respond to a situation (walking away or not saying a word is also a response).

 

So yeah, if you value your peace, don’t take things personally.  Things don’t always go the way we think they should. That doesn’t mean that we are bad, wrong or whatever.  It just means this or that interaction isn’t going as planned. So, stop, consider, reset and strive for something different, better or healthy for you.  You matter as does every human on this planet no matter how attractive of repulsive you find certain folks.  We are all part of a whole living here in this giant Earth School at this time.  We need to learn how to de-escalate and honestly, that begins best within and a starting point is not taking things so personally.

 

I wish you peace, I wish you love, I wish you the greatest understanding, and the deepest compassion.  You’ve got this!

 

© 2024 Jaie Hart (photo and words)

My Spiritual Journey

 

Often at times in my life, I’ve had this deep almost visceral feeling that there just has to be more to this life than working, raising kids, eating right and exercise.  For many years, I’d have to say I was on a spiritual quest.  Along the way, I’d have to say that I came across some pretty amazing things, unexplainable things, and things you wouldn’t believe even if I were to explain in great detail.  But, at the end of the day – none of the things that I discovered satisfied that inner feeling that there was something more. 

 

I’ve had plenty of subtle hints left at perfectly timed and pivotal moments of my life.  But as I sit here today, I feel like all the different shoes I tried on to walk that path, didn’t take me anywhere I didn’t have access to all along within me.  Nothing in the “New Age” or even purported ancient teachings brought me what I was looking for.  There was still that feeling of home, like I’m missing it terribly that sometimes washed over me.  I can’t really explain it well enough to give it proper meaning and in nearly 60 years of this life journey, I’ve not run across anything outside of me that quells that feeling entirely.

 

However, there were often things that I could do from time to time that satisfied that longing for a time.  It wasn’t teachers, books, classes or chasing knowledge.  It was something by far more simple. Believe it or not, getting up early to have a quiet moment to watch the miracle of the Earth turning into the sun and then again, at the end of the day, seemingly turning away from it while watching a miraculous fiery display of light in every warm color imaginable at sunset did it for me.  Other things too, like noticing the quality of light etching the leaves on trees, a blade of grass or a simple weed, it brought me a sense of that feeling of home.

 

In quiet meditation, I have found much solace and comfort for that feeling.  Other things impacted it positively as well like holding a new born, stroking a fluffy kitten or playing with a bouncy land-shark puppy or rising above a vexing psychological matter in myself or others – all of these things seemed to quell that longing a bit.

 

If I’m honest, I’d say my spiritual journey was a grand disappointment on one hand.  It took me down many pathways and rabbit holes.  It had me spending time and money on what equated to snake oil.  At the point I discovered I wasn’t finding what I was looking for, the path disappeared and pointed me right back to myself.  Not a bad thing but an unexpected thing.  Some other things I learned along the way (random truths - at least truths for me):

 

1.     Everyone holds dark and light within them.  There is no point decrying the darkness in others when we are holding our own darkness either in ignorance or denial. Remember – what you see is because it is within you to understand.

2.      True love is as it has forever been – inside of you and readily available at any time you become willing to dig deep inside and find it.

3.     Whatever seemingly calls to you in the outside world comes from within you – nothing in the outside world will bring you as much as if you explore your own inner depths and seek understanding – your personal whys.

4.     We are One at many levels – we all co-experience this frame, this Earth and each other.  Ego gratification never truly soothes the soul but the Ego isn’t something to be destroyed either.  It’s best understood as a necessary part of us during our travels here on Earth.  It’s best to make friends with it, accept it, and in a way maybe to tame it with love.

5.     Finding self-love enough to stand on your own two feet and make your way through life in confidence and compassion can take you far in terms of understanding the meaning of your life.

6.     While there may be this grand design in life, you will never definitively know it.  You are best served finding within your life -  all of those things that you are truly grateful for, treasuring and appreciating those things and then learning what you can do to give something to this world and Her inhabitants rather than figuring out ways to take things from this world and Her inhabitants.

7.     You are entitled to nothing here in the Earth School. You are given a body.  You are given consciousness.  Everything from there stems from your earnest effort and seeking to understand your life lessons.  Right action, right thinking and right presence is required to succeed (and know that even when you fail, you are learning so – that can still be right for your at parts of your unique journey).

8.     It’s okay to feel however you feel.  You can wallow in darkness for the entirety of your life.  You can find ways to understand and then shatter the darkness that you feel in your life.  You can walk in the light understanding that even when the sun shines unobstructed, you may not feel it – walk any way.  Keep going.  Never give up.  Never quit.  Always have faith in yourself to master your life.

9.     Grief is real here and you must learn to process it.  We come in at different times and we go at different times.  If we fight change too hard, our grief will be protracted.  Learn from your grief and understand that the depth and level of your grieving is very likely equal to your love.  Seek help if you should struggle.  Help is there for you if you seek it.

10.  Never fall into the trap of equating your worth based on what you observe in others. Envy is a trap as is keeping up with the Jone’s.  Your path is uniquely yours.  Find your gifts that are unique to you and appreciate them. Focus inward and what you have to work with and not what you think others are given. Remember, you are entitled to nothing in this life.  But you do have free will.  Use it wisely without circumventing or imposing on the free will of others.

 

After many years of searching, I’d have to say I willingly stepped off the path.  I came to terms with much uncertainty and worked hard to grow comfortable with change.  As I got older, energy began to wane some, lines and wrinkles appeared as did glorious and sparkly silver strands comprising the covering of my head (I spent so many years dying all manner of shades and still do today just for the fun of it). Change is a constant.  It’s best to make it your friend. View aging not with fear and trepidation but as graduating to the class of Elders on the Earth.  If you make it to this stage in life where age shows in your reflection, you are one of the fortunate.  Aging is a gift not granted to all equally in this frame. If you can, strive to hold gratitude instead of fear.  When your body dies, your consciousness lives on but you transform from the existence you have become accustomed to here.

 

I love my life today so much.  I don’t have deep, burning, or all-consuming desires to know this or that about life.  I’ve learned in my life that taking time to better understand my inner landscape, learning self-love, full acceptance of self and a lifetime’s worth of action was necessary for happiness.  The more I engaged in self-understanding, the more that feeling of connection to Source returned and the more that sense of longing quieted.  I still have desires and goals and I will succeed in them as I always do.  It’s just that my reason or mission has changed.  I think I’m at a place in my life now where the idea of contributing to life has more meaning than anything.  Lending a voice, an ear or compassionate presence – that totally kills that old greatly diminished now feeling of longing for home.  When I stopped looking for something to fill that longing, I found it.  I am home (as I have always been), I’m comfortable in my skin, I’m happy, satisfied with a life well lived and hopeful for tomorrow despite the chaos of information constantly bombarding me. 

 

I’d have to say that I do appreciate the spiritual journey I embarked upon and all of the magical and unexplainable things that I have experienced.  I’m really glad that this grounded comforting feeling eventually caught my attention and noticed that it was coming from within after all that searching in the outside world.  Our lives and our journeys here on Earth are intensely personal and uniquely experienced just for ourselves and our growth as souls.  You can’t read your life’s purpose in a book.  You are so unique and precious that no one else’s words, thoughts or ideas can describe you or your purpose. Living your life and doing what you do is what you came her to do.  If your life brings you sadness, that’s okay.  Consider it a message to you from you that you might potentially benefit another way of learning or living along your journey.  If your life brings you comfort, that also is a message that maybe you are on the right path for the moment.  In those moments that you find bliss, that’s a YES from the Universe. 

 

One of the many phrases I’ve come across in my life that inspired me the most – more than any practice, books, classes or whatever was: The Journey Is The Destination.  It inspires me still.  We are all born in this frame and our bodies die at the end.  If we continually wait for happiness only until this or that happens or we put off relaxing or wait continually to do things until all lights are green, we’re missing the point.  Our destination is ultimately to die after living a life well lived.  So, go and well-live your life.  Find something in the day to day that you like, love, or appreciate in some way. Enjoy your spiritual quest or existential explorations as is your desire but live and appreciate something in your experience that is truly good, light and bright. Respect the darkness for that does truly exist within us all.  Strive to find a place of balance and equanimity.  Know that tough times will come and go and still you will learn and achieve all that you were meant to in life. Relax your judgement of yourself, others, and this world.  Be the amazing you that you are.  That’s what my journey taught me most loudly and most clear.

© 2024 Jaie Hart (photo and words)

Mosaic

-->

So many people in this world want to save people from themselves.  This is an honorable intention, no doubt.  But what if we realized that suffering was truly optional and that our intention to save people from themselves would actually result in robbing others from an experience they are choosing to experience?  What if instead, we took a look at our own desire to save and understand what is truly at the core of that desire?  What if we truly got very curious and asked ourselves about the belief or judgments we may be unconsciously holding that might cause us to want to play the hero?

Playing any role is fine, so understand that I don’t mean to burst anyone’s bubble or to come off as lacking compassion.  I’ve just learned lately to see things differently.  So, I’ve written before about Sympathy, Empathy and Compassion.  Of the three, I would always choose compassion.  Compassion allows everyone and everything to be as they are or as it is, without requiring change; without judgment of good or bad.  Compassion just loves and allows, it seeks understanding, it knows with full awareness that there is nothing really wrong with anything.

That might be a huge stretch for many to grasp and that is okay.  I might even take some heat for these thoughts by those who might judge me callous.  I’d say, okay, if that is how you wish to see me through your own psychological filters, fine.  It changes nothing in my world, it does not change my love for humanity or the compassion I hold for all in my soul.  What it would do is help me understand better all the thoughts and feelings of my fellow human beings.  It is okay to feel and to have emotion.  It is all just an experience.  All experience is on the same continuum and only differs by the various degrees with which an experience is perceived by the wonderful individuals who perceive.

You see, part of what makes this world and humanity so amazing is the varied perceptions of the whole.  These perspectives are the mosaic of the projection of life as we know it.  If you pull out pieces of the mosaic indicating that the mosaic is incomplete because this piece or that displeases you or brings you discomfort, you could be missing the point of the entirety of the picture.  It’s okay because even that is perfect no matter how imperfect or perfect it might be perceived by some.  Everything is okay as it is.  Do what you must or what you feel compelled to do but if you want real growth in life, you first must desire to understand your own motivation.  For understanding the self, leads to understanding of the whole of humanity, of existence, of life in its true state of perfect projection.

So, what do you want to do today?  Do it with all of your heart.  Be as authentically you as you can and realize that not everything is precisely as it seems.  This understanding creates great compassion.  The more loving of self and authentic you become in your quest within, the more you realize not one soul is alone here, all suffer to some degree and you may even come to understand and appreciate your own suffering as more than some infinitely uncomfortable experience or bad hand in life.  You may come to understand your own beauty and perfection and then view all of humanity through this new and truly divine filter you have created in your curious investigations.

Just some food for thought.  

-->

© 2016 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

 

Taking It In? Are You Sure You Want To Choose That?

It is a funny world that we live in some times.  We take certain things so seriously.  For example, someone may proclaim to any who will hear, their opinion of us, we learn of this and we take it in right to the core, through the inner veil of protection and then the sword has left its mark leaving us with nothing but anger, pain or feelings of incredulousness.  But you know, and I want you to know, it does not have to be this way.  Let me repeat this so you really, really get it…it does NOT have to be this way.

Let me explain.  There is no one who can completely define you in the outside world because they only ever experience a facet of you.  You are multifaceted, therefore, no one can take all of you in at once so nothing they say can truly define you.  Let those who would decry your evils from the mountain tops and choose not to take it in.  It isn’t you they are truly decrying.  It is that little part of themselves, more than likely, that they are truly upset with and projecting that onto you gives them the illusion of relief if only momentarily.

You see, no one is ever uplifted at the expense of someone else.  Oh, I know that it sometimes seems like that is the case.  But the reality is, it just isn’t true.  That person who gets a momentary lift by taking any sort of pleasure in your pain is either unfeeling or has issues. That has absolutely nothing to do with you.  So, let them cry and tell everyone about your wrongs.  It’s not you they are telling stories about.  You know you.  You know your story.  Stand in your own light with dignity, with much self- love and an infinite well of self-respect.  You know in the heart of the core of you these words I speak are truth even if your mind cannot yet fully wrap itself around this concept.

At some point you will become so tired of letting people get to you that you will just stop and move on.  You’ll learn to ignore them and live your life fully and with as much joy and happiness as possible and perhaps, your living life fully and with joy may as yet set an example for others to follow. 

It is hard to make that choice between taking it in and getting even with words or actions or deciding to walk off of an illusory battlefield.  But you do hold this power within you.  You do hold the power to stand tall in your own light.  So, I invite you to explore this concept. When next someone attacks you verbally, get still and quiet and feel what the center of your soul is telling you.  It will tell you if the words are true and if they are, well then you’ve just gained a great opportunity to learn a life lesson and change if you want to.  If it is telling you that what is being said is just rubbish, then don’t let it in, shrug it off and go about your life as the beautiful human being that you are.

Blessings of great courage, love, compassion, joy and happiness to you all.

 

© 2015 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

The Warrior's Sword

-->

With all of my other projects in life of late, it seems I’ve neglected this blog a bit.  Well, it has been for good reason.  You see, I’ve been very busy learning some very wonderful things about life and as I learn, I suppose I like to have a little time to test my learning before I begin writing.

Lately I’ve taken up Kundalini Yoga Certification training.  For whatever reason, it called to me.  I’ve learned in life that whenever I receive those very subtle, quiet and internal urgings and I pay attention to them, they almost always turn into something beautiful.  I was prepared for the mental agility required for Kundalini Yoga and I knew that the physical aspects would be a challenge for this body that has spent by far too much time working at a computer screen for long hours.

Something that I have learned in my studying and working with my wonderful teacher is that sometimes the Malware (e.g., the environmental psychology that seeps into our conscious operating system unbeknownst to us) is so deeply entrenched that no amount of psychotherapy or counseling will bring to the light of day those things we most wish to work on.  Sometimes it takes the intent to go at something differently, almost indirectly in order to make the greatest progress.  Kundalini Yoga seems to work that way for me.

Since I began, I have uncovered bits and bytes of malware trapped not just within my psyche but deeply entrenched within the cellular aspects of  my being.  When my teacher first mentioned this concept to me, I wasn’t sure about the validity of the concept.  I question her no more.  She is amazingly spot on as always and I thank the stars above for that little inkling of an urge that lead me to the door of her Yoga Studio.  In the short time I’ve been involved in training, I have uncovered some rather surprising issues deep within the core of my being that I never knew even existed.

I write about these topics continually so I shouldn’t have been so surprised to find something buried but when one particular core level matter surfaced and the pain of it hit, my training allowed me to do something I’ve never before been able to do.  That is, give my self total and complete permission to feel in the absence of all judgment, be kind, understanding and compassionate with myself as I deal with a very sensitive issue that arises from the inner child in me. 

We all have these matters and I guess the moral to my long story here is that it is vitally important that you give yourselves permission right here and right now to feel what you feel and to know that what you feel is okay and also to love yourself with all that you have while you are in the process of feeling.  It seems so simple but we are not taught this.  Another theme I write about is all of the things we are not taught.  I’ve become adept at many things in my time on Earth and if I may say, I am proud of myself for those things but I have become both humbled and very proud of my ability fail, to be frail, to be vulnerable completely to whatever it is that decides to rise from within me. 

In times of old I’d have run screaming from emotion.  Taking the warrior’s tough stance in mastering self and anything else that comes before us is admirable.  But and this is a really BIG but, there is nothing that takes more strength, more stamina, more skill, and more will power than to face a forgotten wound and allow it to come to the light of day for much needed acknowledgement, understanding, compassion and learning.  We must learn to just be with it knowing that no matter what we will be okay.

This, my training and learning of late has brought me.  What a precious gift.  I’ve laid down my sword many times over the years and picked it right back up to protect the wounds inside.  No more.  The sword no longer exists.  I’ve decided to bury it for good.  Instead I stand for self love, self compassion and self-kindness.  I also stand for showing these very same things to all of humanity as I continue to learn and grow.  I also wish to continue to share these learnings in the hopes it may help give another the courage to stand up and just be beautifully perfect, wounds and all in the light of the sun. 

Having said all of the above, this does not in any way mean that I will not put up appropriate boundaries in front of those who would harbor ill-respect, lacking integrity or honor.  I need not deal with such nonsense as I turn within and focus on dealing with my own shadows.  Let others fend for themselves or ask for help but I will not tolerate what does not serve me.  I guess that part of my warrior spirit will always live but it now lives to serve in a new way – a good way.

May your God or Goddess comfort you, hold you and bless you now and for all time.  Yours, Deva Kirtan Kaur (aka Jaie Hart).

Perfect in Our Imperfection

Some day we will learn that it is okay to be imperfect, to say or do the wrong things at the wrong time and that it is okay to make mistakes. I think sometimes we forget how perfect we are in our imperfection.

 Life is amazing no matter what but you have to remember that you just cannot be the perfect person at the perfect time for every single soul you run into in the way you might think you should be. Even when you show up seemingly and completely imperfect for someone in a moment, even in that there can be beautiful perfection.

 We don’t understand our own paths well enough at times let alone another’s. Who knows what they intended to learn or what you did? Your interaction will be perfectly timed no matter what you say or do or don’t say or do.

In a way this means that it’s okay to accept your every word, your every thought, your every emotion as well as those of others just as they are. There is no you like you in all of this universe. So be content with your unique qualities that add to the whole whether or not someone deems you perfect in a moment. 

You are perfect in every moment and so is everyone else. We are as we intended to be and we will interact as we intended whether we are conscious of that intent or not. We will learn from these exchanges and experiences. Just how cool is that?!

© 2015 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

Tired of Toxic People? Time to Get Curious

-->

We see these quotes, concepts and ideas thrown about on social media related to ditching the toxic people, get them out of your life and just flat out do not engage or hang around with them.  You hear about them in the work-place, in family gatherings and even during social interactions with friends.  Believe me, in my life-time I have had my share of people I might perceive as toxic that would lead my ego to completely agree with the idea of ditching toxic people

Here’s the thing and there is a thing, in this world it takes all kinds of people to make the world work, from saints to sinners, sane to crazy and creative to mundane.  This world can seem a crazy place and anyone you hang out with or situations you engage in that create toxic energy for you is not a healthy thing to do until at least, you begin to understand what is really happening.

I can only explain this concept by asking a question.  When people do the crazy things that they do that evoke that toxic feeling reaction from within you, aren’t you at least a little curious about what within you would give those folks permission to slide in right underneath your skin and irritate or hurt you?

In a world where pop-psychology is so mainstream, we all get the basic idea of “People who attack and insult you are telling you about them and not you.”  For the most part, I really think this is true.  But there is something else going on here too.  When you react to toxic people you are giving them permission to get your goat.  If you weren’t giving them permission, it wouldn’t bother you as much as it does.  So, where is your goat tied up and how on Earth was it created?

Let’s face it, we’ve all lived on planet Earth and experienced both the joyful and unsavory aspects of it.  We’ve all taken on some form of malware in the operating system of our psyches whether we are aware of it or not.  In every interaction, it takes two to create the reaction.  There is stimulus recognized and then there is reaction.  But what if we realized we didn’t have to react to begin with?

Lets go back to curious again for a minute.  Consider carefully for just a moment the following question:  What within you would give someone permission to seemingly control your emotions?  I’m not going to dig into anyone’s psychology because that is just none of my business.  What I’d like to do is empower you with some thoughts that might shift your perspective just long enough for you to understand the true intent and purpose of an exchange. 

When someone can so easily “push your buttons,” did you ever wonder about where the buttons came from?  How come you have a button to push?  People go on all day long about this or that and nothing sticks to you that you know with certainty is untrue.  You’ll hear something insanely thrown at you and you won’t react.  But the moment someone pushes your button or you’ve let them under your skin (towards that very tender place where the button was created at some point in your history), you’ve shifted your focus externally in defense when the internal concepts, goats and buttons are really trying to get your attention – not for the guy or gal who seems to be putting you in that position but for you.  You are reacting and that reaction is deserving of some curiosity.

I don’t mean to suggest that we walk this life like zombies, never feeling, never reacting and never acting, well, normal.  I mean to suggest that with some understanding, you may be less perturbed by what you feel is unsavory behavior in others.  You may find that button within you, understand it and heal any wounding beneath it thus eliminating the possibility forever more that someone with ill intent can find it to push it.  And there are always other strategies too – get off the battlefield for starters before you engage in something you may later regret by immersing in the toxicity or the blind reacting stage of having your buttons pushed. 

When we’re emotionally triggered, we can’t think straight and we certainly cannot be curious about anything.  The better cause of valor may be to close your mouth and shut down defensive thoughts and contemplate that urge rising from your core with emotion.  Speak again only when you can respond rather than react.  Find understanding and get curious before you engage in any button pushing attempts you perceive from another.

All of these interactions and human to human verbal skirmishes are designed to get you to look within you and understand the amazing wonder that you are.  That is a bit hard to see when your light is buried under years of debris created by unchallenged beliefs about yourself, your world and the people who have been or are in your life. 

Dealing with toxic people is a challenge but it can also be an opportunity.  But opportunities can be taken advantage of only by those aware enough that they exist and also those who are curious enough to explore for proactive prevention of recurring reactions.  It’s really all up to you and how you most wish to spend your time and energy here in life.   This world is amazing and so is every single aspect of humanity, especially you.  Consider what makes you tick, focus on your own behavior and let the toxic people be as they are.  You can’t change them.  Only they have the power to do that.

I can tell you that as weird as it sounds, I’m really grateful for the toxic people that have crossed my path.  When I got so sick of reacting I began to realize I could learn from my reactions.  I’m a root cause, fix-it kind of person.  I don’t like the feeling of reacting and definitely not because of the psychology of toxic people.  Spoilers: I’ve learned to see that toxic people bring up the toxicity within me.  When I see that, I have a beautiful opportunity to detoxify my own beliefs and thinking.  Sometimes it takes at lot of reflection and courage to look within.  It takes great strength and integrity of character to honor yourself by allowing people to be who they are without your input…even toxic people.

Some food for thought. 

If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy some of my books.  Please check them out if you’d like at http://www.jaiehart.com.  If you’re interested in a little help with spiritually exploring your buttons, I am in the business of consulting and would be honored to assist you.  Just visit me at http://ministryofconnectedconsciousness.org to learn more about me and what I do.

© 2015 J.L. Harter (photo and words)

Healthy Detachment: A Far Cry Different Than Being a Doormat

In spiritual circles, there is much discussion about detaching or rising above something frustrating or bad behavior that truly is wholly unacceptable.  This talk ensues leaving an earnest seeker thinking they are somehow trapped in the space of forcing down anger and frustration while they try to rise above something or not let something bother them.  It is so very important to note that many spiritual principles are discussed but not necessarily understood in their proper context and without that context, you could be misapplying principles to your own psychological detriment. 

Healthy detachment does not mean that you walk around letting everyone use you as a doormat while you just smile and I say, I love you or I forgive you.  You can do and say these things, absolutely!  But, if you are in any way being inauthentic about that, you are actually harming yourself.  Sometimes you have to say something until you mean it but that is mostly applicable to negative self-talk and that is certainly not what I’m talking about here.  What I’m talking about here is actually several concepts wrapped up into one designed to help you better understand how you can make some choices that will hopefully be more in line with your integrity and authenticity as well as helping you understand human interactions and their true intent.

Let’s face it and be real up front, not all of us know how to play nice in the sand box in terms of human behavior.  We’ve even been guilty of this kind of behavior ourselves, lets be very honest, at least at some point in our timelines.  The first part about this concept is to understand that another’s bad behavior is not your doing, is not your fault and is nothing for you to carry no matter how loudly the poor behaving person screams from the mountain tops.  Bad behavior is about the person conducting it and not you.  Learn accountability for your own behavior and you will start to notice where that accountability is lacking in another.  When you start to notice, don’t slip into the trap of judging another’s side of the street dirtier than yours because that doesn’t really lift you up either.  You have to deal with what you face to get the true meaning and essence of the life lesson before you.  

When people behave poorly to us, until we break old patterns of our own thoughts and normal reactions to the behavior or others, that behavior is likely to generate negative emotion within us.  That’s perfectly fine and completely okay.  Allow yourself to feel the emotion and then consider whether you might be able to understand its true message to you.  Perhaps that message is simply this:  Some people have suffered environmental psychology they are either unable or unwilling to change and this causes them to behave poorly and sometimes even in ways that hurts your feelings.  Fighting back with vengeful-type behavior is like trying to put out fire with gasoline.  You’re likely the one to go up in flames.  I always suggest that when someone has hurt your feelings with their behavior, it’s best to take a moment, a breath or even a walk long enough for you to gain your composure to the point you can articulate how you feel.  Then I’m going to suggest that if it is safe for you to do so, tell the person how you feel when they behave in a certain way.  I suggest that you don’t attack the person but instead you focus on the behavior.

State your piece and then get ready to let go of your attachment to outcomes.  You see, people who behave poorly cannot change their behavior until they learn how.  You can speak how you feel when it is safe to do so (or journal or talk to a trusted friend or adviser if it is not safe for you to speak how you feel) but you can’t control another person or their behavior at the end of the day.  To complicate matters even more, the way you perceive the “bad behavior” is filtered through your own environmental psychology and part of the emotion you feel may not necessarily be from the outside world at all but for something within you left unexamined, a belief held and long-forgotten that you were unconsciously reminded of by someone else’s bad behavior.  Regardless of your perception, regardless of the reason for the other person’s bad behavior, you can express how you feel about it.  Consider a discourse rather than a raging argument.  Consider a moment of listening within for what is calling to you.  Listening without for what someone else is really saying.

There is a final part to this and this is perhaps the most important.  If you’re getting the message and still the bad behavior continues and you really don’t want to participate, that’s where you have to choose your own side and set a boundary to protect yourself.  The best way to do that is to step off the battlefield or seek the appropriate assistance with processing what is happening and making the best choices for you.  Healthy detachment is when you arrive at a place where you know what “stuff” in an interaction is your “stuff” and what “stuff” in an interaction belongs to another.  Set boundaries.  Participate only in what you wish to participate in and do so gladly whether that means stepping further into discussion or stepping off the battlefield entirely.  Know that you were put here to be no one’s door mat.  Sometimes some people behave so poorly that the only way you can hear your own inner messages on whatever it is they brought up for you is to get away and spend as little time as possible with that person.  Set a boundary around what you will or won’t participate in.

In closing, truly for your own sake and benefit, you must let go of the idea that you have the power to change another’s behavior.  Healthy detachment means that you truly understand that you have power only to understand and control your own behavior, make your own choices for your own ideals.  No other can be accurately judged by your standards, perceive exactly the way you do or contain within the exact same messages for life lessons that need learning like you do.  Healthy detachment means that you allow yourself the authenticity to feel how you feel, think before you act or react and that you choose then what you will or will not participate in.  It is work and hard work sometimes.  The malware that runs rampant within our sense of self-needs to be right, validated and vindicated and thinks it can control others.  This is an illusion. 
  

With healthy detachment you can show yourself compassion by allowing your feelings to be felt, seeking understanding, speaking up if you need to be heard and then moving on if need be in order to set boundaries more in line with your own personal integrity.  You can also show another through healthy detachment, the respect and the courtesy to allow them to be exactly who they are without your interference or requiring them to change.  Participate or don’t but let go of any idea of getting them to change.  Let go of the thoughts of “only if.”  You can “only if” every single relationship or encounter and never will you get to the space of healthy detachment while you dig yourself deeper into the emotional egotistical drama of it all.  If you want to engage in it, it is up to you but if it isn’t healthy for you then you have some choices to make to get off the floor and decide you will detach rather than be a doormat or martyr. There is nothing of true value in that for you.  You’ve done nothing so wrong that you deserve such self-inflicted punishment.  Know this and feel the truth of it within you.

These are no easy things to learn.  Simple in concept perhaps but more challenging in action and action for you personally is what this is all about.  Your timeline, your life and your experiences are about you but not necessarily in the way you might think.  So, give yourselves room to be, to feel, and to respond to life as you deem most appropriate. Detach from the need to manipulate or control what you consider to be bad behavior in others and try if you can to accept people and situations just exactly as they are.  If you don’t like their behavior, set boundaries for yourself, communicate your boundaries where needed and you can go on living, understanding, expanding and growing in a healthy manner in your life.

 

© 2015 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

If you like this post, you might enjoy some of the concepts in my books.  You can visit my website at:

Http://www.JaieHart.com.