Holding Space - Empathy in Times of Conflict

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The political climate of late has put so much negative energy out into the ether that it is just hard to breathe sometimes.  I think that we humans are just competitive by our very natures and so easily succumb to the tasks at hand (winning at all costs) that we forget that there is a cost.  I remember once sitting in a meeting a very long time ago.  In that meeting tempers flared to the point that the sparks of anger were not only heard but energetically felt in the room that suddenly became so thick and heavy.  Several people seemed to be doing their best to just disappear, one was desperately trying to intervene and return focus and equilibrium, some seemed to be relishing in the conflict on the side of one or the other of the seemingly warring factions and then there was me, feeling the collateral damage of the continuing conflict as a silent empath in the room.  I held an energetic space in that moment.  I just imagined sending out peaceful energy, drawing from the light of the universe, pulling it in, concentrating as much as I could and blanketing all within ear-shot and energetic reach with calm focused peace.

It didn’t stop the conflict. The egos continued to clash for pole position in front of the others. The peacemaker continued her efforts and as the minutes wore on she was joined by others and we all joined in as a majority then and suggested that the two warring factions would need to discuss their conflict offline rather than continuing to derail the meeting and preventing the rest of the group from moving forward with its respective set goals and well, the meeting agenda.  Begrudgingly the two political warriors capitulated outwardly but I could still feel the divisive negativity of their energy.  Gosh was it thick and awful being in that room.  At one point, I could take it no further so I excused myself a moment.  I needed air; I needed to put some distance between me and that energy.  I took a short lap around the floor of the building slowly and purposefully.  I intended to waste 5 minutes of meeting time to just discharge some of that negative energy my sponge-like being seemed to soak in over-much.    I turned the corner to return to the meeting.  I imagined myself in a huge impenetrable bubble that no energy could enter and imagined any stray energy that tried would just bounce off and head on out to space.  I took a deep breath and re-entered the room composed and hopeful.

This election reminded me of that meeting.  There are those in outright conflict willing to battle with anyone, anything and everything that moves on any side of the candidates’ platforms, there are those who absolutely relish in the conflict for the energy put out no matter how destructive and then there are those peace makers running around trying to make peace with their friends, family and even on social media.  But you know, there is another faction beyond the peacekeepers.  There are those who hold space.  They hold space of energy clearing (and yes that is really a thing) to remove unproductive aspects such as fear that darkens the potential progress that conflict can bring.  You won’t see them at the table relishing in the conflict, or trying to change it outwardly, they may speak up now and then somewhat softly and do their level best to hold a space where others are not so fearfully impacted while they learn from this conflict.  They’ll reach for the high road and pull it down a bit so others can more easily traverse the road, the weeks, days and hours until the mass of the conflict starts to dissipate.

This isn’t limited to the presidential candidacy.  They intend to do their work for whatever conflict they encounter in their lives or in the ether as needed.  Do they make a difference?  I think they do and I notice them, I can feel them and I am with them energetically, mindfully and physically with all of my heart and soul.  They’ll see this conflict through with logic, calm peace and tranquility like a mother’s gentle brushing of the hair from the eyes of a small child upset.  It’s really quite beautiful to witness and to feel.  They may not seem to obviously change the world but to the energetically sensitive, we’ll know the power they truly hold.  So, today my thoughts and energy go out to the collective in peace for the sake of harmony, tranquility and growth from this conflict.  My hopes and prayers contain love, understanding and compassion for all seeing and feeling the conflict for what it is – not something to hate, despise or add more negative energy to but something to understand and maybe appreciate if even from a safe energetic distance. 

In allowing the world to be as it is, I do not need to change what I see, I do not need to engage in battle to fight those I think are wrong because they do not see as I see or believe as I do.  In allowing the world to be as it is, I can thrive because I seek understanding, I strive to see more and more through the eyes of love and I live for every beautiful precious and precarious moment of life that we all share.  I’m glad to be here in good times and bad and although sometimes I think we’ve had moments as the human race I might be prouder, my judgment is not needed and my energetic responsibility is to take comfort in the knowing that all will be well regardless of races, opinions, conflicts and platforms.  This is how I choose to see it – well, safe, globally triumphant and compassionately fine.  I send you blessings for your journey dear ones.  Take comfort in your being for you are blessed beyond compare no matter where you sit or what you see or even do to contribute either positively or sometimes even negatively.  You will learn and grow and do miraculous things no matter who wins or loses.  Keep striving.  Keep living.  Add to the collective from the heart as much as possible and you will make a difference.  You are amazing.  Keep being amazing!

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© 2016 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

Mindful Healing Love

It is funny how quickly the ego can become engaged in reaction.  Believe me when I tell you I laugh at myself when I see my own triggered reactions.  Honestly, sometimes it takes a few moments of some serious talking to myself to get there but I always endeavor to get there so I can better understand what may be hiding in my own sub-conscious to work out pain wise.  It’s not an easy thing to do and it takes a fierce and fearless courage to do it but every one can if they are willing.

We are triggered into reaction for very good reason but I’ve learned something of late.  Perhaps it was something I always knew and used at least sometimes without thinking about it.  The simple act of refocusing on breathing and becoming extraordinarily mindful and quiet in a moment of challenge can return you quickly to a logical and calm place instead of a reacting, irrational and emotionally out of control place.

Are you one of those who always feels they can only think of something good to say after an argumentative encounter is over?  Well then, mindfulness breathing may be just the perfect thing for you.  You do not have to react or even answer forcefully expressed questions on the spot until you are good and ready to.  I would say that in an emotional and reactional frame, you are more likely to say something you didn’t mean undermining your own serenity in the process.  Giving yourself time to get straight concerning your own projections, expectations and emotions through the simple act of breathing can do much in terms of restoring your own equilibrium.  Then you can respond when necessary to address conflict with compassion and the fullness of your heart.  When you can find a way to let the heart lead the way, there is no remorse or regret to follow thus complicating already triggered emotions.

You see, we all either project or vomit our psychology onto everyone we meet.  It may be positive or it may be negative and that depends solely on you and what you are willing to become fully aware of from the inside out.  So, if you have become tired of a life of continual conflict, go within and start asking yourselves why you might have created a situation.  You do not have to ever become a victim of your creations.  Just stop and consider what they may be trying to teach you.  Good things like maybe you are good enough, smart enough and loving enough to be and exist in this world.  Just some food for thought as we ready for the new year beautiful dreamers.  

© 2015 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

 

You hold great powers within you for healing and transformation without doing ever a single thing but going within and reflecting by asking yourself some questions.  Be unafraid of the answers.  Be prepared to see them, to own them and to overcome them with healing love.  All it takes is your intent and consent.  How cool is that?

Are you Conflict Avoidant? Read On...

Wow what a week has it been.  I’ve had one conflict after another arise and I’m reminded of the Whack-a-Mole game.  I realized that as soon as I whacked one away, another cropped up.  After a while I began to lose patience with all that whacking away of conflict.  I decided to step back from it and get some perspective, a much higher perspective.  What I saw in a moment in the sun, listening to Deval Premal chanting was that each conflict that presented itself was actually an opportunity to learn.  I took a deep breath and just soaked in the light of the sun.  I calmed my frazzled nerves and went back to my day with a new perspective.  I can choose to be conflict avoidant and irritated when it shows up on my path or I can observe it and consider precisely why it showed up on my path.

Now, with this perspective, I can see with much greater clarity that conflict is actually a wonderful opportunity to learn something.  Whether the conflict is generated by people, situations or things, there is something to be learned.  So, learn I did and I’m so very grateful.  With people conflict arises primarily from assumption.  When each side makes an assumption from a perception filtered through their own environmental psychology and considers that assumption to be truth without even attempting to fact-check, conflict will arise.  Now, if each side is willing to tackle the conflict head on, open their minds and hearts to the fact that their perceptions and assumptions may not be the truth, each may have an opportunity to grow closer in understanding and even embrace compassion for the formerly held perception or assumption.  Is that not amazing?  It certainly is to me.

Oh if we only came with instruction books!  Sadly, we do not and we do not for good reason.  Are you curious about that reason?  It’s simple.  You are infinitely amazing just exactly as you are and whether you know it or not, you love the experience of living and through that living, you learn.  If you had a book that gave you all the answers, you’d be bored because you are just too smart for a simple class in the Earth School.

So, the next time you encounter conflict, observe the little “c” consciousness or ego’s need to engage.  Try if you can not to judge anything about what is happening but just observe and see if you can feel your way to the truth beyond assumption and perception.  You can then ask questions, validate facts and then move forward in full awareness.  It’s really quite amazing when you can train yourself to respond in this way in control of your faculties rather than being controlled by your little “c” consciousness.  Just some more food for thought beautiful souls.  Have a great day.

And if you need a little calm inspiration, have a listen to this great work from Deva Premal:

 

Change Your Focus

We get so lost sometimes focusing on the world of people around us that we forget the world inside of us.   There are treasures unimaginably great within if one would simply find the courage to stop all the analyzing, criticizing and judging and just go within.  I catch myself in judgment sometimes and I don’t like it when that happens so I realize whenever judgment lurks in my thoughts, I am actually being too fearful of my own soul to go deep within and find the wound I am protecting with my judgment of others.  It is no easy shift dear souls but if you can find some measure of strength, will or stamina to endure the quest, you will find it a most worthy endeavor.

You see, when you get to the truth, the heart of the matter and you find what is really at your core, no string of events in the past can tear you apart by someone come to assist with the exorcism of wounds within.  It’s a stretch and a difficult one at that but as I said, give it a try.  You won’t waste as much energy as you do when engaged in egotistical battles intended only to divert you from the truth.  I mean, think about it – do you really want to remain victim forever reacting to the labels and guilt trips people lay upon you or would you rather uncover the truth enough about you so that you could stand in your own light when the exorcists come.  Oh, and believe me, they will come.  Each will have a new face but they will attempt to expose your wounds for one reason and one reason only…to get you to find the core, the true source (you) and begin to heal when you find also within, your own love and light.

Never give up and never let the outside world or even those who love you paint a picture of you that you swallow as wholehearted truth.  They don’t know who you really are – they only know their experience of you.  No one truly defines you or your actions but you and your thoughts.  Your thoughts decide whether you will give labels born of fear credence or brush them off as a simple opinion based on one perspective of an aspect of you.  Be fearless and be strong.  You can find what makes you weak and in so doing, you’ll find your strength.  Blessings of highest love and light dear ones! 

(c) Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)

Shining the Light on One Relationship Challenge

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard about, been through and watched helplessly as others struggled with this one very significant aspect of a relationship…the various ways people demonstrate love.  I write often about perspectives and prisons.  The reason is that we create so many in all of the various places of our lives and as a result, we support the self-obscurity of the truth of a situation.  We are all individuals.  Everyone of us thinks, acts and reacts to life based on our own core set of ideals.  So often in relationships and especially romantic ones we have this mistaken belief that if someone doesn’t perfectly and frequently demonstrate love in the way that we want and need it that the other person doesn’t care about us or love us.  This is huge so please pay close attention.  You have to have the ability to clearly discern the truth about this one from the judgment you might exhibit based on the prison you are trapping yourself within.  For example, Sue (made up person) is an overtly demonstrative and affectionate person. Her partner Bob (another made up person) is not an overtly demonstrative and affectionate person.  Sue shows that she loves Bob by always telling him the uplifting and complementary things that she wants to hear and may always touch his hand or shoulder while speaking and always reaches out to him when they are together. This is how Sue demonstrates love.  Bob demonstrates love differently.  Bob demonstrates his love for people by being a fixer of things, being there for people, listening and offering advice.  Bob adores Sue and is always fixing things and just being there to listen to her speak and share her thoughts.  Sue, over time, has begun to feel that Bob doesn’t really love her.  She raises the issue in conversation stating that Bob is not demonstrative and she doesn’t feel like he even notices her.  Bob, hearing this and knowing how much he does love Sue is offended and doesn’t understand how she could possibly feel that way – he’s there every day whenever she needs him, he’s always fixing things and always listening.  They get locked into battle defending their positions and sadly, losing sight of what is really there.

For Sue, she either needs to understand that Bob demonstrates love differently than she does and that fact in no way minimizes how he feels about her or she needs to decide that she needs to find someone more like her.  It is unfair of Sue to require Bob to become more like her and demonstrate love in the same way she does.  For Bob, he either needs to understand what Sue is saying and agree to try to be a little more demonstrative if he can be or he needs to decide that he needs someone a little more like him.  In Sue’s case, the man adores her and is there for her every day but she feels insecure about their relationship because he doesn’t demonstrate love the way that she does.  The perception that someone does not care and love us just because they do not show love and affection the way that we do is untrue.  We have to understand that everyone is different and that difference can be a beautiful thing.  So many perfectly good relationships are thrown away on this issue and so many conflicts are ignorantly engaged in in the absence of understanding of how different people demonstrate love.

If we would take the time to understand how other people demonstrate love, we would feel less insecure about many of our relationships.  You have to really know and understand yourself and your  needs and you have to really be able to open yourself up fully to receiving unconditional love and understanding of your partner.  If you can’t do this and you cannot understand and reconcile the differences in how you express yourself, you are locking yourself into a prison of conflict.  Until one person becomes ready and willing to see the other person’s side of the equation and the willingness to accept another person unconditionally just the way they are, you are wasting your time and someone else’s and only you can figure out the real reasons behind why you would do that to you.

We make so many assumptions and judgments about other people based on how we are.  That is so unfair and it really imprisons and tortures you.  It also makes the lives of people around you very difficult to bear.  I speak from experience here.  I had a family member once that I went out on a steep financial limb for.  I really loved this family member and just wanted to help.  Because I am not an overtly demonstrative person and showed my love differently, I was accused of being an insensitive and unloving person.  I’m not that and I know that.  Over time, I began to see that this person demonstrated love in a certain way and would not believe that anyone could love her unless they demonstrated love to her only the way that she demonstrated love.  This bred so much conflict for her in her life, with her partners and even with family members.  I think that if she could only understand that people love differently and those differences do not mean they love her less, she could free herself from years of pain and anguish.

So, the next time you think your spouse or partner doesn’t love you because he doesn’t take out the trash or cook your favorite meal without being asked – think again.  The next time you think the person you care about doesn’t care about you because they don’t call you like you call them, think again.  Now, having said that we also have to be aware of what our needs are.  We often want to make the other person bad so we can feel okay about complaining.  Here is where understanding, unconditional love and acceptance comes in.  You do not have to hurt and blame people for not being to you what you need.  If someone cannot be what you really need, tell them so and send them away with love so you can find that person closer to being able to demonstrating what you need. There is no need to hurt others because your needs are not being met.  State your needs, if they are still not met, stand up like a grown up and make a mature decision – accept the situation as it is with love and understanding or have the love and understanding to allow yourself to move on and find something else.  There is so much unnecessary conflict where blame and attack, judgment and persecution run rampant.  It is so unnecessary.  If my partner were to tell me tomorrow that I am not meeting his need.  I would be sad.  I would do what I was capable of to improve but I know I can’t change the heart of me.  If I cannot change enough to make him happy, I love him enough to let him go and pursue what would make him happy.  I would not need to hate him nor hurt him for being who he is and needing what he needs.  Conversely, if my partner cannot be what I need, I will raise my needs to him and trust that he will do what he can.  If he can’t, I know I must either love and accept him for who he is or I have to be honest and let him know that my need is so important I must leave to pursue it somewhere else.

You’d be surprised at what you can learn about each other together with lots of understanding, effort, acceptance and unconditional love.  We don’t have to make other people out to be villains for being who they are.  We also cannot expect people to automatically know what we need.  If you need something specific, ask for it.  If you don’t ask and its not given, don’t punish your partner with conflict.  Ask for what you want.  If they are capable of providing it and consent to doing so, great!  If they can’t do it or they won’t, love yourself enough to make the right decisions for you.  There are so many other applications here.  Give it some thought!   Have a blissful day.

(c) 2012, Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)