So It's Over. Now What? - Are You Struggling with the End of a Relationship?

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Relationships are a very important aspect of our existence here on Earth and one of our greatest sources for learning.  Unfortunately, no one teaches us in advance what to do when that perfect seeming relationship ends or needs to.  Well, I thought about that quite a long time and then decided to write this book.  My intent is to help others better understand relationships, their own feelings as well as the life lessons they truly intended to learn through relationships.  I wanted to share with you an excerpt from one of my latest books.  Read on.  If it piques your interest, click the link under the picture above.  I'm offering all of my books half off right now.  The money isn't the key importance for me in my work at this time.  It is getting messages out there to help people learn, grow and love their lives more.  So, then...on with the excerpt.  I hope you enjoy it.  

 

This book is about relationship endings and emotions, effects and thoughts that follow along with some suggestions for what to do and think as well as what not to do and think if you are interested in healing and moving on following the ending of a relationship.  This book is intended to be a toolbox of bits and pieces of information that might help you view your situation a little bit differently.  We’ve all known pain and heartbreak when a relationship ends.  It’s horrible, it’s awful; it’s so very final and uncomfortable.  But there can also be joy, serenity, opportunity, adventure and discovery.  It’s all in how you choose to look at it.

In my book, Changing Perspectives – The Journey is the Destination, I wrote about changing your perspective so that you might change your outlook on life generally by pointing out that what you perceive in a certain way may not actually be the truth.  This is ultimately a good thing no matter whether you stand on the positive or negative side of the line.  This book is not all that different in concept.  However, the concepts in that book are applied here specifically to dealing with the ending of romantic relationships.  This book is about taking a cold, hard look at where you’ve been, how you got there and now, what you can do about it to move through to healing and avoid repeating the same “lessons” (and that doesn’t mean never getting involved again).  On that note, don’t let any man or woman shut your heart down forever more!  That wasn’t the role they intended to play in your life and you can be afraid and run away, you can blame and deny OR, you can take a look at the relationship or all of the relationships in your past, see what you did, how you reacted and what your goals were and determine what works for you and doesn’t going forward.

So, who am I and how in the world am I qualified to write a book on endings of relationships?   Well, I’m just like you.  I have lived, I have loved and I have lost….many times over.  I am not in a 30-year marriage with no relationship or dating experience preaching to you about how you have to compromise everything for the sake of a relationship.  I’ve been married a few times so I’m definitely clear on the “what does and doesn’t work” department.  I have had the unique experience of listening to the stories of my clients, paying attention to the news, analyzing information received from all six senses (and yes, there is a sixth sense) and I have failed miserably so many times personally by ignoring lessons I only now understand.  I’m not a relationship expert but I do have a unique perspective on a good number of things and a very strong desire to help people grasp life lessons and turn the negatives into positives in that specific arena. 

Because I’m like you, I know a measure of what you feel, I know the physical pain of endings and I also know that pain in this area is nothing to fear because you can move on and do so in a healthy way.  I am a reverend, an intuitive and spiritual counselor and even though you don’t know me from Adam, I happen to care about you and your growth here on Earth.  I’d like to help set out a little bit of a road map that might shed some light for you on your journey.

One of the things I have learned in my travels of life here on Earth is that at the end of a relationship, we have a very unique opportunity to explore the whole of ourselves.  We get to learn about what we wanted consciously, projected unconsciously, what we actually had, what worked for us and what didn’t, and what we compromised on too much or didn’t enough.  We also can see where we held blame and denial instead of unconditional love. 

If it’s over now and you find yourself alone, please know that it is definitely not a fate worse than death to be alone, it is not horrible to be alone and since you cannot predict with 100 percent certainty you’ll only ever be alone, there is no use in wallowing in bad feelings indefinitely.  So, grab yourself a beverage, find a comfy spot to sit down and let’s talk for a bit and see what we can do about your current situation.  I’m willing to bet we can find something for you to work with to get you out of any “feeling sorry for yourself” modes of existence and get you into thinking about opportunities…and maybe, just maybe, we can get you right back out there and drawing to you the right man or woman to have an even better relationship experience with the next time around.

Before we go on, let me just say this, I wish you much love and healing on this journey of endings.  I’m willing to bet you will look back on this time one day and see it for the beautiful beginning it truly was or is.  May your God or Goddess be with you and comfort you at this most precious and truly beautiful time in your life.


If after reading this you have questions, feel free to ask me in the comments.  I'm also a Metaphysical Counselor and Life Coach if you're interested in working more one on one.  You can email me at Jaiehart@gmail.com.  You can check out my biography by Clicking Here:  Biography.

Blessings!

Jaie 

Shining the Light on One Relationship Challenge

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard about, been through and watched helplessly as others struggled with this one very significant aspect of a relationship…the various ways people demonstrate love.  I write often about perspectives and prisons.  The reason is that we create so many in all of the various places of our lives and as a result, we support the self-obscurity of the truth of a situation.  We are all individuals.  Everyone of us thinks, acts and reacts to life based on our own core set of ideals.  So often in relationships and especially romantic ones we have this mistaken belief that if someone doesn’t perfectly and frequently demonstrate love in the way that we want and need it that the other person doesn’t care about us or love us.  This is huge so please pay close attention.  You have to have the ability to clearly discern the truth about this one from the judgment you might exhibit based on the prison you are trapping yourself within.  For example, Sue (made up person) is an overtly demonstrative and affectionate person. Her partner Bob (another made up person) is not an overtly demonstrative and affectionate person.  Sue shows that she loves Bob by always telling him the uplifting and complementary things that she wants to hear and may always touch his hand or shoulder while speaking and always reaches out to him when they are together. This is how Sue demonstrates love.  Bob demonstrates love differently.  Bob demonstrates his love for people by being a fixer of things, being there for people, listening and offering advice.  Bob adores Sue and is always fixing things and just being there to listen to her speak and share her thoughts.  Sue, over time, has begun to feel that Bob doesn’t really love her.  She raises the issue in conversation stating that Bob is not demonstrative and she doesn’t feel like he even notices her.  Bob, hearing this and knowing how much he does love Sue is offended and doesn’t understand how she could possibly feel that way – he’s there every day whenever she needs him, he’s always fixing things and always listening.  They get locked into battle defending their positions and sadly, losing sight of what is really there.

For Sue, she either needs to understand that Bob demonstrates love differently than she does and that fact in no way minimizes how he feels about her or she needs to decide that she needs to find someone more like her.  It is unfair of Sue to require Bob to become more like her and demonstrate love in the same way she does.  For Bob, he either needs to understand what Sue is saying and agree to try to be a little more demonstrative if he can be or he needs to decide that he needs someone a little more like him.  In Sue’s case, the man adores her and is there for her every day but she feels insecure about their relationship because he doesn’t demonstrate love the way that she does.  The perception that someone does not care and love us just because they do not show love and affection the way that we do is untrue.  We have to understand that everyone is different and that difference can be a beautiful thing.  So many perfectly good relationships are thrown away on this issue and so many conflicts are ignorantly engaged in in the absence of understanding of how different people demonstrate love.

If we would take the time to understand how other people demonstrate love, we would feel less insecure about many of our relationships.  You have to really know and understand yourself and your  needs and you have to really be able to open yourself up fully to receiving unconditional love and understanding of your partner.  If you can’t do this and you cannot understand and reconcile the differences in how you express yourself, you are locking yourself into a prison of conflict.  Until one person becomes ready and willing to see the other person’s side of the equation and the willingness to accept another person unconditionally just the way they are, you are wasting your time and someone else’s and only you can figure out the real reasons behind why you would do that to you.

We make so many assumptions and judgments about other people based on how we are.  That is so unfair and it really imprisons and tortures you.  It also makes the lives of people around you very difficult to bear.  I speak from experience here.  I had a family member once that I went out on a steep financial limb for.  I really loved this family member and just wanted to help.  Because I am not an overtly demonstrative person and showed my love differently, I was accused of being an insensitive and unloving person.  I’m not that and I know that.  Over time, I began to see that this person demonstrated love in a certain way and would not believe that anyone could love her unless they demonstrated love to her only the way that she demonstrated love.  This bred so much conflict for her in her life, with her partners and even with family members.  I think that if she could only understand that people love differently and those differences do not mean they love her less, she could free herself from years of pain and anguish.

So, the next time you think your spouse or partner doesn’t love you because he doesn’t take out the trash or cook your favorite meal without being asked – think again.  The next time you think the person you care about doesn’t care about you because they don’t call you like you call them, think again.  Now, having said that we also have to be aware of what our needs are.  We often want to make the other person bad so we can feel okay about complaining.  Here is where understanding, unconditional love and acceptance comes in.  You do not have to hurt and blame people for not being to you what you need.  If someone cannot be what you really need, tell them so and send them away with love so you can find that person closer to being able to demonstrating what you need. There is no need to hurt others because your needs are not being met.  State your needs, if they are still not met, stand up like a grown up and make a mature decision – accept the situation as it is with love and understanding or have the love and understanding to allow yourself to move on and find something else.  There is so much unnecessary conflict where blame and attack, judgment and persecution run rampant.  It is so unnecessary.  If my partner were to tell me tomorrow that I am not meeting his need.  I would be sad.  I would do what I was capable of to improve but I know I can’t change the heart of me.  If I cannot change enough to make him happy, I love him enough to let him go and pursue what would make him happy.  I would not need to hate him nor hurt him for being who he is and needing what he needs.  Conversely, if my partner cannot be what I need, I will raise my needs to him and trust that he will do what he can.  If he can’t, I know I must either love and accept him for who he is or I have to be honest and let him know that my need is so important I must leave to pursue it somewhere else.

You’d be surprised at what you can learn about each other together with lots of understanding, effort, acceptance and unconditional love.  We don’t have to make other people out to be villains for being who they are.  We also cannot expect people to automatically know what we need.  If you need something specific, ask for it.  If you don’t ask and its not given, don’t punish your partner with conflict.  Ask for what you want.  If they are capable of providing it and consent to doing so, great!  If they can’t do it or they won’t, love yourself enough to make the right decisions for you.  There are so many other applications here.  Give it some thought!   Have a blissful day.

(c) 2012, Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)